Divorce and first contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All

It's been a while since I posted as things were very quiet, myself and my ex haven't spoken for a year and we've reached the two anniversary of our break up which means we can file uncontested if we agree. What I wasn't prepared for, especially after so much happening in the interim and really not thinking of her that much, was how painful contact would be with her again. I initiated it, I spoke of the divorce in kind terms and even wished her well for the future, the reply I got was without salutations, sarcastic and treating me in a way I feel I do not deserve to be treated after 8 years of relationship.

Still, what did I expect right? As the relationship, so the divorce. I find it such a shame that she still can't muster up the humanity to treat someone she spent so long with - with any respect or kindness.

It took me quite some time to formulate a gentle letter on a delicate subject to receive such a blunt reply, though expected, just reminds me of how I spent so long and continue to do so, laying around crash mats in case this woman, who gives no such regard for my feelings, feels bad! A woman who treated me with utter contempt and made my life hell. It's like the rules of etiquette do not apply to her! They don't i guess!

Urghh   - Perhaps I should have sent her a matter of fact mail and not given a monkeys how she may be feeling, from now on that's how I'll treat her, but I feel sick for falling into my own trap, believing for a second she may be remorseful or at least treat me with some honour. I just wasn't brought up to believe that people are life-long A-holes! I figured a year out may have softened her and brought some balance, nope!

Just a word to the wise for anyone who has to reach out or is going through divorce, please don't expect, even a little bit in your heart that things may be different, that they may see things how you see them or have developed any remorse, they haven't. They got their story and they are sticking to it and will re-abuse you again into the process, or treat you as less than human not deserving of basic civilities.

I wouldn't trade places with her, I am proud of myself that I can maintain care and consideration, but in these cases, as it was in the relationship, self preservation is #1.

On a happier note - At least I'm getting divorced.

Good luck to all

[Trog]

Hi All

It's been a while since I posted as things were very quiet, myself and my ex haven't spoken for a year and we've reached the two anniversary of our break up which means we can file uncontested if we agree. What I wasn't prepared for, especially after so much happening in the interim and really not thinking of her that much, was how painful contact would be with her again. I initiated it, I spoke of the divorce in kind terms and even wished her well for the future, the reply I got was without salutations, sarcastic and treating me in a way I feel I do not deserve to be treated after 8 years of relationship.

Still, what did I expect right? As the relationship, so the divorce. I find it such a shame that she still can't muster up the humanity to treat someone she spent so long with - with any respect or kindness.

It took me quite some time to formulate a gentle letter on a delicate subject to receive such a blunt reply, though expected, just reminds me of how I spent so long and continue to do so, laying around crash mats in case this woman, who gives no such regard for my feelings, feels bad! A woman who treated me with utter contempt and made my life hell. It's like the rules of etiquette do not apply to her! They don't i guess!

Urghh   - Perhaps I should have sent her a matter of fact mail and not given a monkeys how she may be feeling, from now on that's how I'll treat her, but I feel sick for falling into my own trap, believing for a second she may be remorseful or at least treat me with some honour. I just wasn't brought up to believe that people are life-long A-holes! I figured a year out may have softened her and brought some balance, nope!

Just a word to the wise for anyone who has to reach out or is going through divorce, please don't expect, even a little bit in your heart that things may be different, that they may see things how you see them or have developed any remorse, they haven't. They got their story and they are sticking to it and will re-abuse you again into the process, or treat you as less than human not deserving of basic civilities.

I wouldn't trade places with her, I am proud of myself that I can maintain care and consideration, but in these cases, as it was in the relationship, self preservation is #1.

On a happier note - At least I'm getting divorced.

Good luck to all

[livednlearned]

Hi Trog,

Glad to hear things were quiet for you. Sorry that you were met with sarcasm, it sounds like she has not moved on.

One of the issues with BPD is a problem grieving hurts, they continue to feel like third-degree burns. The emotions are continually being re-triggered in new relationships. Same wound, new trigger.

She probably will struggle to find relief from the pain she feels and the pain she inflicts. It's part of BPD, unfortunately.

It feels personal, and in many ways, it is not.

Good luck with the rest of the process. I hope it goes smoothly for you 

LnL