I don't know where to start...

[GuardianGrigori]

 

But first... .I'm new here.    

I spent my entire childhood saving my mother. From age 4 until the day I moved out was devoted to maintaining her happiness, her sanity, her continued existence.

I'm nearly 40 now. Long since moved out. Long since had a life of my own.  She still acts like every single choice I make that she doesn't like is a personal attack against her.

About a month ago she sent a hateful rant about me to my wife for no reason. Completely unprovoked. I'd not even talked to her in a month or more. So *shrugs*

I sent her a message asking her what that was about... .she then proceeded to launch into the most vulgar rant I've ever heard about my lifestyle and things I allegedly do in bed. Which is odd, considering that my wife and I are asexual and I don't tend to do much of anything there at all. As I'm also quite sick... .well, anyhow. I know this is a lot of back story.   Long story short, she ended the conversation with 'I should have aborted you.'

Now I want to send her a letter. I don't know how to do this thing.  I want to tell her that for my own sake, I have forgiven her. This is not for her. Hate is too much of a burden to carry.  For my own sake, I have also metaphorically granted her the wish she made in anger. I have blocked her name and every name she has ever gone by from my phone, all my messengers, and my emails. My wife has done the same.  I have also started answering other family members with 'who' every time her name is mentioned, and show them the screenshot of what she said, and explain what I'm doing. I haven't had to repeat myself. I was the last enabler she had left. Other people were done with her years ago.

So, how do I write this letter?

[faithlady007]

Hi GuardianGrigori

Write it if you feel you need to get closure. I can't tell you how because when you are dealing with someone who is not getting treatment and or taking any accountability, whatever you say they are going to twist it and interpret it in whatever fashion their mind works.

She is toxic to your life. And your wife's. Personally I would just let all the communications in the past from you to her be it.  I don't think there is anymore you can say to express what she has done to your life.

Let your wife see your actions in standing firm in cutting her out of your life.

I had to cut a diagnosed yet refused to treat BiPo sister out of mine.  She ruined just about every happy life event in my life in some way or another. I paid a heavy price by not cutting her out sooner.

It is hard and we sometimes feel guilt because we know they need help. But I feel if they can make decisions about things that are important to THEM then they can make decisions to be better at relationships.

Hope it helps and blessings!

[Turkish]

Tough stuff, and protecting your wife (and you) from further abuse was the right thing to do.

What is your core motivation to write this letter? I mean for you, not you mother, and not your protectiveness regarding your wife, for you?

[HappyChappy]

If the letter is for you rather than your mother, do you need to post it ? Just write the letter and leave it a while and then go back to it. You’ve always got the option to post it. I intended to post mine, but glad I never did. I wrote loads of unposted letters.

In your post you suggest you’ve naturally gone low to no contact with your mom. This is a more conflict free way of putting up the boundaries. We don't have to announce our intentions, we can just fade to grey with them. I sense from your post this low contact suits you better, certainly suits me. Is that your plan ?

[Pilpel]

If this is intended as the last letter to say "This is it, I'm done" I think you should write whatever is in your heart to write, whatever gives you a sense of closure. At this point, you know better than to write with the expectation that you can get her to see your side or you can motivate her to change.  But I think it can be healing, for yourself, to articulate what she is doing, how irratational it is, and that you will not be a part of it. 

I wrote a letter like that to the pwBPD in my life.  It took months to write it.  But I don't regret it.  From her perspective, she's so emotionally wound up, I think it just frustrates her that I bother her with my own perspective, and that we're not getting to the heart of the only thing that matters --which is her wound up feelings.  But I was still glad I wrote it, because I had to do it for myself.  It was so liberating to just articulate out loud how she was crossing my boundaries, and to say that she doesn't have a right to invent things or always assume the worst intentions of me.  And that if she wants a genuine relationship with me, she needs to stop seeing the worst in me. 

[Naughty Nibbler]

I'm so sorry that you have been sick.  Then to have your situation with your mom.  That is a lot to handle.  HappyChappy's idea of writing a letter and not sending it is a good one. \

The only means of communication I will currently allow with my uBPD sister is via US Mail.  It really slows things down.  I currently have my sister blocked on my phone (no calls, no texts).  Should she contact me via some other phone, I just won't read the text or listen to the voicemail. I have to admit that using snail mail has saved me a few times from sending letters that I'm glad I never sent.  For the mos tpart, I have a lot of drafts of letters on my computer hard drive.  Many of them, I had planned to send, but I waited to fine tune, print, etc. and then never mailed or eventually redrafted.

Writing  the letters that I never sent has served as a venting tool.  I have a letter I need to send now for legal reasons.  I've written several lengthy versions, but I've finally made peace with sending a very brief letter using the BIFF technique (Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm).  If I didn't have to send any letter at the current time, I would gladly embrace "The Sound of Silence".