After 17 months contact

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So it happened... .and I have to say I was always scared and nervous about what I would do if she ever contacted me. Well yesterday I had to find out what I would do.  The answer... .nothing! 

After 17 months of no contact my ex undiagnosed BPD contacted me. She sent me a message through FB. Not really sure what to make of it. She first apologized for everything she put me through and wished she could take it back. Then she said all she could say was she admired me.

What are people's thoughts on this contact?  My thought is its a fishing expedition. My life has taken off. I have fought so hard to get where I am and I am really happy. I do have days where I miss her but then the feeling passes. I have met someone new and I am so happy. I am treated so well. My thought is she knows how good my life is and wants to know more or things are falling apart with the replacement.

I have no interest in going back. I am curious that's all. And I have  to say I have been waiting for that message for 17 months. I talk about it in therapy. I know I don't need to be validated by her but getting that message made me feel great. It just let me know that she made a mistake or at least is questioning her actions so I know it wasn't me. Don't get me wrong I made many mistakes in the relationship. But I was faithful, generous, and kind. She cheated, lied, and stole from me. I always felt that if her life fell apart I would feel better. I would feel that validation. I do feel that validation but I also feel sorry for her. I would  hate to be stuck in that life and I am so thankful I got out.

[willtimeheal]

So it happened... .and I have to say I was always scared and nervous about what I would do if she ever contacted me. Well yesterday I had to find out what I would do.  The answer... .nothing! 

After 17 months of no contact my ex undiagnosed BPD contacted me. She sent me a message through FB. Not really sure what to make of it. She first apologized for everything she put me through and wished she could take it back. Then she said all she could say was she admired me.

What are people's thoughts on this contact?  My thought is its a fishing expedition. My life has taken off. I have fought so hard to get where I am and I am really happy. I do have days where I miss her but then the feeling passes. I have met someone new and I am so happy. I am treated so well. My thought is she knows how good my life is and wants to know more or things are falling apart with the replacement.

I have no interest in going back. I am curious that's all. And I have  to say I have been waiting for that message for 17 months. I talk about it in therapy. I know I don't need to be validated by her but getting that message made me feel great. It just let me know that she made a mistake or at least is questioning her actions so I know it wasn't me. Don't get me wrong I made many mistakes in the relationship. But I was faithful, generous, and kind. She cheated, lied, and stole from me. I always felt that if her life fell apart I would feel better. I would feel that validation. I do feel that validation but I also feel sorry for her. I would  hate to be stuck in that life and I am so thankful I got out.

[FannyB]

Hi WTH

It could well be a fishing expedition to see if you're amenable to recycling should the idea take her fancy.  However she may have undergone therapy or had an epiphany in the time since you were together and feel genuinely bad about what happened with you. It's rare, but there has been the odd post where an ex has contacted someone after a period of time has elapsed and sought to make amends.  Do you feel in a forgiving mood? Are you going to give her an answer along the lines of 'I'm well and loving life - hope you are too' or remain steadfastly NC?


Fanny

[Survivingher]

Let it go.  if your happy with the new person in your life, youd be crazy to let be ruined by her.  Even if she is in therapy and doing better,  she doesn't deserve another chance after you've come so far.  it would be a major setback.  and what if she pulled you back under and it ruined your current relationship and you were left with neither of them?  is it worth it?   I wish I was where you are.  maybe one day.  for now im in the middle of the storm.  tread wisely.

[Confused?]

Mine texted me that a few months after she left for a second time. My ex used to tell me while we were together that she wasn't good enough. Talked about her horrible exes. You know the normal relationship stuff with pwBPD. For me this kind of contact usually means one thing. Things aren't going well and her lack of impulse control and feeling of nothingness made her not only think of you but also wants an affirming response from you. I used to validate my ex all the time. I would reassure her time and time again that she was the only girl for me. I'm sure you did the same.

17 months is an absurd amount of time to wait to message someone something as simple as that. Her guilt maybe finally caught up with her and she is probably being triggered by the impending end of her new relationship.

The last time I heard from my ex was 5 months ago just before entering her third relationship since replacing me. The text simply said "I hope everything is going good with you, you deserve the best you are a great person". I replied with a thanks and she replied with a "yep"

[Herodias]

Take it and run... .I would feel good to have gotten the validation too! Just know if you get involved in any way, you are doomed to be hurt again. This is a test of your strength. I would thank her for her apology and  wish her well. That's it. Don't ruin all your efforts now. You know it as well.

[Ab123]

Take it and run... .I would feel good to have gotten the validation too! Just know if you get involved in any way, you are doomed to be hurt again. This is a test of your strength. I would thank her for her apology and  wish her well. That's it. Don't ruin all your efforts now. You know it as well.

I agree. It took courage for her to reach out, and, if you can without hurting your self, it would be nice to honor and respect that courage by thanking her. But, chances are, the stove is still hot and you will be better off if you stay away and avoid engaging further.

[willtimeheal]

Thanks everyone for the replies. I have no intention of contacting her or replying. I find it hard to believe she is in therapy or has made any changes in her life. My thought is her life is crashing or her relationship with the replacement is falling apart and she wants a back up plan. I am not a back up plan.

As far as the possibility of her feeling remorse... .I really don't care. The forgiveness piece I feel was about forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for allowing someone to treat me so poorly. For not having the love and confidence for myself. I don't owe her my forgiveness. I feel that if I told her I forgive her or its alright ... .it allows her to believe and feel that what she did to me was ok. And it's not. I feel if she really wanted to make amends she should send me a check for all the money she stole from me. So I will never give her the satisfaction of telling her I forgive her. She wouldn't get that from me. I know it may sound cold but it's not about her. The whole relationship was about her... .this is about me and forgiving myself.

So I am staying NC and keeping her away from me. I am happy and I fought like hell to get here. And honestly she was my greatest teacher... .She taught me to appreciate myself, my friends, my family, and to never take anyone or thing for granted.

Ab 123  not sure if it's courage or her reaching out to just serve her own interest. I just feel she wants to see where I am at or she wants to not feel guilty. I don't feel I owe her any respect. For six years she verbally and emotionally abused me, cheat, lied, and stole from me. People just don't change ... .especially people with BPD.

[Survivingher]

"As far as the possibility of her feeling remorse... .I really don't care. The forgiveness piece I feel was about forgiving myself. Forgiving myself for allowing someone to treat me so poorly. For not having the love and confidence for myself. I don't owe her my forgiveness. I feel that if I told her I forgive her or its alright ... .it allows her to believe and feel that what she did to me was ok. And it's not. I feel if she really wanted to make amends she should send me a check for all the money she stole from me. So I will never give her the satisfaction of telling her I forgive her. She wouldn't get that from me. I know it may sound cold but it's not about her. The whole relationship was about her... .this is about me and forgiving myself. "

wow.  said perfectly.   i might print this to remind myself of how badly mine treated me.  stole money, cheated, lied, same ole song and dance. 

[Confused108]

RUN! My ex used to say the same BS line with me too! Oh I admired you blah blah my A$$! It's a good line of crap. She is fishing my friend BIG TIME! Looking to recycle you bc her replacement most likely met his fate! Don't look back bc as I hope you k ow it's only gonna be the same crap with her again. You found someone new, who treats you well! Awesome! Because you deserve it! Don't contact your ex. Run!

[once removed]

it sounds like she reached out to say some nice things. if you have no interest in responding, it need not mean any more than that. shes not a psychic. she doesnt know how good or bad your life is 

your life is good. your outcome doesnt depend on hers 

[willtimeheal]

it sounds like she reached out to say some nice things. if you have no interest in responding, it need not mean any more than that. shes not a psychic. she doesnt know how good or bad your life is 

your life is good. your outcome doesnt depend on hers 

See she actually does know how good my life is. We work together. In separate buildings but our paths cross from time to time. Plus she has friends in my building who know about my life. So the fact I am not still crying over her I am sure bothers her.I truly felt when we were together she thought I would never leave no matter what she did. I think she hates the fact I am happy and have a great life without her.

[once removed]

thats speculation, and it might be self serving.

I always felt that if her life fell apart I would feel better. I would feel that validation.

let her think what she wants, willtimeheal. she said nice things. thats only a fishing expedition if you take the bait.

if her life got better would you fall apart? my point is its not a contest unless youre living your life to prove something to her.

[willtimeheal]

I understand once removed.

I am not taking the bait. She has no bearing on my life now.  My happiness does not depend on her. It does feel good to know that I am not crazy and I am out of the toxic cycle.

I did find out she is going to court at the end of the week for her dwi. That explains the reaching out. She needs someone to talk to and help her through this. I was always the one. But I am no longer there. She might actually have to face some consequences.

I am just glad I am far away from this.