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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Dealing with being painted black  (Read 3229 times)
Stripey77
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« on: April 18, 2016, 04:20:57 AM »

I wonder if anyone would be so kind as to cast an eye over the last post I made on my 'introduction' board? It is the one thing I am struggling with above all... .I am getting stronger every single day, and accepting my lot. But I just wondered how anyone else here has coped with being painted black by someone they love so much. My ex sees me and he cannot HELP but look at me, but he essentially totally blanks me. He acts as if he has never even met me. It is incredibly, horribly painful. We live in a very small town populated with ex-pats of all different nationalities, but we are like one big family here. We all know each other and our circles overlap. Every time it happens I feel humiliated, as if I am being punished, and so on. I do not ever attempt to approach him, for those of you who haven't read my posts about this, I walked away from him on the small hours of Christmas morning when he was ranting and ranting and ranting at me for around 40 minutes about why he'd deleted me from his life, and all of my misdemeanors. My heart had sunk into my shoes, I already knew he had deleted me from all social media, yet here he was making sure I knew all about it, and my one thought throughout was... .this is never going end. This will never be over. How can it be if someone who has deleted you has to come to tell you all about it? It's madness. We haven't spoken since and I haven't given him one inch as I don't want him to take the proverbial mile. I suspect he is angry and resentful as well as surprised because I was probably supposed to come back begging again. I haven't. I have stayed silent, calm and have reflected his silence. I have refused to even look at him when we've seen each other. I almost feel like waving to him next time I see him, it really does feel as if I'm dealing with a toddler who's had a massive temper tantrum and doesn't know how to come back down.  He has NO idea how heartbroken, hurt and devastated I am because I have maintained total silence. I haven't deleted him from anything, but even the sight of me a couple of weeks ago caused him to go home and block me from his IG account, which I found out totally by the by. I am obviously still under his skin. I want SO much to be civil, to be friendly and able to say hello and pass the time of day at least, anything other than this continued hostility from him. I guess in his mind I have walked (even though he pushed me spectacularly hard) and rejected him, because I didn't stand there begging him, so I've show him a strength he didn't know I had. Maybe that's where I went wrong, but I can't help thinking that him seeing my pain would put me on a massive back foot. I suppose what I'm asking is if anyone else has gone through this, or is going through it now? How do you cope? It is so very painful. He seems to be about a million miles away from me right now and the sight of me obviously triggers some kind of turmoil or rage in him. When I see him, my mouth tingles, my legs go wobbly, the works. Yes, even  months later. I am getting stronger all of the time, I just want to know if anyone has any coping tactics? Other than simply avoiding vast swathes of my own town.  

I am so very, very tired out by all of this. I go on holiday/back home in a week and am counting the days. I feel as if I have aged 1,000 years in the last 6 months, and sometimes can't recognise the exhausted woman looking back at me in the mirror. I cannot even believe last summer, I was feeling the happiest I have ever felt in my life, in a bubble of perfect contentment. I can't remember what truly feeling happy feels like, but I remember that last time I felt it was in November when I was with him. It's been an existence since then. What a sad waste of days we can't get back.
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2016, 06:10:42 AM »

The thing is you wanting to be on a friendly footing does not depend on you. It depends on him. And he can't do it. Your ex seems in some ways similar to mine and for my ex my sheer presence was enough to set him off in a rage. Even when I thought we had passed into a friendlier stage I would still set him off.

Example: I went on holiday, saw him in passing a few hours before leaving. He looked at me clearly hoping the hate in his eyes would make me drop dead on the spot.

I came back and needed to call the office to check what shift I was on on my first day back. Who answered the phone? Of course... .Deep breath. If I had "finally relaxed enough?" Deep breath... And I managed to calmly and in a VERY relaxed way answer "oh yes... ." Got the answer to the shift question. Went to work. Asked him the next day in passing, me very relaxed, him with a twitching face, where I could find female colleague so and so as her desk had been moved. He told me, I left a small present on her desk from my holidays.

No personal contact happened, nothing significant on any level work wise either. So I thought we had past the worst. About 2 weeks later he sent (normal procedure) an email to the group of direct colleagues announcing him going on vacation. The email was exceptionally long. It was filled with references and stabs in my direction only I would get. Who would do his work while he was gone, how much he loved them. How you were nobody until you were truly loved. How a certain someone (the number one flying monkey he tried to triangulate me with I just didn't play along) advised him so well and told him not to open his mail while away. A link to a love song he used to sing for me. And an inappropriate link to a song about drinking too much and that it's nobody's business but the one drinking. Apparently none of my colleagues either watched that last one or thought it a problem but me. And some more stuff. Now... .who had to finally get relaxed again?

There was no reason for this. Nothing had happened after I came back. We had spoken on the phone and he seemed relaxed and I has answered in a relaxed way. I never showed any reaction to his vacation email.

The fact I was there, I existed, I still was breathing was enough for him to want to do this. Him seeing me from a large distance was enough to make his mood change dramatically. The same goes for your ex. The only thing I could do was remove myself from the scene to prevent more damage. Not knowing shortly after I would actually get seriously ill.

You have no control over your ex. Your presence seems enough to set him off. There is something that makes an enormous difference though: my ex has something magical about him that gave him a large following who believed or excused all he said or did. That was a huge disadvantage for me. Your ex doesn't seem to have an army of flying monkeys. People are less likely to side with him just because they cannot get away from his gravitational pull. How ever painful it is, live your life, avoid him and let him burn out like a dying star.
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Stripey77
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« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2016, 08:38:33 AM »

Hi Bibi,

Thanks for this. He definitely has a little group of friends around him who have become his new 'gang'. If he's not out drinking alone, he's spending time with them doing all the things he and I used to do together, in particular with the lady friend who I think has stepped into my shoes, but as a friend. He hasn't even managed to turn her against me, she will come and talk to me if she sees me out, and has put photos of her and I up on her FB together. I cannot begin to imagine how much that must have got to him. It makes me so sad. I don't think he's happy, but he put us in this situation.

I agree with a lot of what you're saying, but I don't think it's rage he's feeling towards me. I can't put a finger on it but take the night in the restaurant where he walked past me some weeks ago; he was with his parents (I assume that's who they were)  and me with a whole group of other girls including my friend he adores. He ignored all of us. It's the first time I've been face to face with him since the night I walked out on him ranting at me. I expected to see HATE or rage in his eyes. I looked up to hope to catch his eye, fully expecting to see rage or similar, as I say. What I actually saw his face twist into a kind of guilty (?) smirk as he quickly tore his eyes away from me. He'd been looking at me all right. But not angrily. That seriously surprised me and I still struggle to put a finger on what expression was exactly. Embarrassment?  I saw the exact same look on his face just a few weeks ago when he saw me sitting in 'his' local wine bar. I looked up just in time to see that same look on his face (he didn't see me looking at him) A kind of twisted smile of resignation, someone on a back foot... .someone not in control of someone they thought they controlled? Hard to say.  That's the week he went home and blocked me on his IG, after 3 months of no contact, which as I've said elsewhere, I can only assume was to prevent him having to see my presence on there, not the other way round. Because I never contact him or try to interact with him, so it's not as if he needed to block me from that point of view.  At the time of writing, I remain unblocked on either Skype or Whatsapp, both of which we used to communicate.

I just feel so terribly sad about it all. Still. It is surreal. Surreal that someone could expend this much energy into avoiding/blocking someone whose heart they broke - not the other way round! 

I have been avoiding him for 3, almost 4 months. Enough is enough, I live in this very small town as well and I am fed up of feeling frightened to go various bars, the supermarket etc. I have been timing my trips to the shops at times I know he'll be at work so as not to cross paths with him - but why? He isn't going to do anything to me. That's no way to live. As I so clearly do get under his skin still, I feel almost more resolved to be seen out and about and make sure that I go where I want and that he sees me doing what I want. Sigh... .
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2016, 09:25:48 AM »

The thing is, his heart is broken too. Indirectly he broke it himself but he doesn't see it like that. He blames you.
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2016, 09:39:25 AM »

Not having to work with him is another major advantage you have. I felt like a hunted animal at work as the group he got involved in his version grew and grew. Every time I looked up from my work, went to the toilet, went for a break, lunch, a meeting, home, whatever, there would be people whispering and looking, pointing, laughing, giving me the death stare, giving me the cold shoulder, not speaking anymore when we used have loads of fun... .It was like being back in school. So childish. So not me. I don't do gossip because I know it can damage people.

And from his perspective so incredibly stupid and so not thought through... He had already been in trouble with HR over an alleged affair with a subordinate. The more people you involve the bigger the chance word will reach management or HR. So if you want to avoid trouble you keep your mouth shut. But no... .

If you feel comfortable enough to go around doing your thing without thinking about if he will be there, do. But for your sake, so you don't get hurt or sucked back in, I would ignore him.
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Stripey77
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« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2016, 10:11:16 AM »

Bibi, you are probably right.  And yet to all outward appearances, he appears to be having the time of his life. If you think being drunk all the time is having the time of his life.

I feel as though we're trapped in a stand-off and contact would burst a bubble that needs to be burst, if that makes any sense. The tension and pain is unbelievable for me. He looks like he's doing a-OK, but then, going by MY social media posts and pictures, you would say the same about me.  Breaking up from anyone is hard enough, but when someone almost turns into someone else in front of your eyes, and then acts as if they never even knew you... .I just don't know how the hell this open wound is ever going to close. It just feels like it won't. Despite everything, I am still love  him. Dr. Jekyll, that is, not Mr. Hyde. I didn't know it was possible to miss someone this much. Somehow I have even found it in myself to feel sorry for him. I am absolutely sure those new friends around him, who only know the 'party' version of him, have no idea at all what they are actually dealing with. They probably won't ever be exposed to it.

In the week when he dropped off the face of the earth (and left me for the 2nd time 3 weeks later) we had a very sad text conversation in which he suddenly told me that his brain was injured (as well as his knee in football) Now, one could take this as a joke as I was remonstrating with him for not having asked about my day. This was during our 'recycle' and we had just spent a passionate weekend together in which he told me how very happy he was, seeing my new home, being with me. I have never seen his eyes light up so much as they did that weekend.  The thing is, who jokes that their brain is injured?  I trod very carefully but asked him what he meant, and did he want to tell me anything... .I was already beginning to suspect that something was VERY up because in the conversation (at my birthday night out no less) leading to our getting back together that same night he stopped me in the bar and made the following statements:

"I don't deserve you"

"You should forget me and hate me"

"It's complicated"

"You're one of the most important people in my life"

We got back together that night, after he asked me to come home with him. I went like a shot.

It's not the first time he told me to forget and hate him either... .he had said the same 6 weeks before when I was practically begging him for another chance. He walked out on me that night, saying the 'decision was made'. Months before, he had alluded to himself having a very dark side, which of course I rubbished at the time, being so in love and in bliss at the time. He said I brought out the best side of him, but that he definitely had a dark side to him. This was months before. I woke up on my birthday in his arms and in a state of pure euphoria, but non the wiser as to what was wrong with him or why I should forget him. I was back with the man I loved!... .I tried to ask him what he had meant and braced himself,  thinking it was going to be something like a wife/children back in his country. If only it had been something so wonderfully simple.

So when he texted me telling me that his brain was injured, you can bet you life I let him talk (by text) He told me that everything about him was wrong. Lots of things. That maybe I would be able to heal him. That he was very glad I was here for him, that he needs me.  I told him I loved him and he could tell me anything, because nothing would put me off him. But he didn't elaborate other to say that he was happy he had me.

I went out with him for a drink a few nights later, and asked him to tell me what he'd meant. He immediately tried to dismiss it all, saying that he'd been joking. I said, I think not. He THEN said, it was impossible to explain because he can't even explain it to himself. So, not a joke then. I said again, there is nothing whatsoever that is going to put me off you, or change my mind about you. Everyone deserves a second chance.  I love you. He kept saying again "Are you sure about that? Are you sure? are you sure?"  But once he said he couldn't explain it, the conversation was over.  Again, no explanation. We went home and I slept in his arms, where he held me even tighter than ever before.

The next night, he deliberately kept me waiting for him all night after telling me were going for dinner. I believe he got totally and utterly drunk instead. Some 2 hours after we were supposed to be meeting, he finally told me he was 'at home, almost ready'. Apparently, I was supposed to interpret that as meaning I should come round. Do you remember what you said about mind reading, Bibi? This is a classic case in point. Because I didn't read his mind and run round straight away, when he was ready to sleep 40 minutes later (no doubt tanked full of beer) it was somehow MY fault that we'd not gone out together. I waited 3 hours, dressed up to the 9s, ready to meet him and went to bed totally crushed. He said he was sure I was looking beautiful, and admitted that he had already been falling asleep. I suspect because, for the 2nd time that week. he'd got too drunk to actually see me.  The next day he stopped talking to me. For 3 WHOLE WEEKS.

Until I saw him out on a night out and he pulled me over - after 3 weeks of limbo- to tell me that we were over because... .wait for it:

"I've been thinking about us a lot as a couple. It can't work because I know how much you love me, and my feelings will never be that strong."

He pulled me over to break up with me after 3 weeks of limbo, after standing me up, after spilling his heart out to me about his injured brain and needing me, how glad he is to have me.  After deliberately seeking me out on my birthday, and being seen doing so having waited about an hour for me in the bar, to get back together with me and tell me that 'something has been missing all this time' that he could shelter me again, that he 'always' loved me. HE instigated getting back together, and then 5 weeks later is telling me the mistake was his and he shouldn't have done it. I can't help but think that him telling me that his brain is injured is a significant factor in all of this.  I got too close. And after breaking up with me, in the bar, he literally walked out mid conversation. Not for the first time. I actually walked out after him this time, caught up with him and told him to his face that he is a coward.  I STILL didn't really know about BPD at this point... I'd dismissed it as a possibility... .but if this doesn't fit the description, I don't know what does.

He then found the perfect vehicle to paint me black a few weeks later, because I had the audacity to speak to his new friend when he was away. They approached me btw, and we shared a fair few drinks together, in which she told me allllll the lovely things he'd been doing for her. Just before  he had got back together with me. She unwittingly revealed him to me, in minute detail. And as a result... .I find myself deleted, blocked and 'deleted from his life'... .you know the rest.

I am coping, I am living, I've finally stopped going on and on and on and on at my friends about it every day. But it's not switched off in my head. I just keep getting up, living, breathing, working, working out, seeing friends... .and hoping the pain is going to dissipate. I feel so very, very sad about it all though. And the thing I am saddest about is how much he seems to be trying to hate me, when all I have ever done is love him with my whole heart.
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Stripey77
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« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2016, 10:26:54 AM »

I have ignored him, for months. I am just so terribly sad about it. I miss him so much, it hurts. I am sure he is hurt. The anger is a defence. No I'm not comfortable doing it, it terrifies me because I am still attached to him and care so much. But I manage to put on the act when I go out, and I pull it off.

I'm sure it shocked him to the CORE for me to walk away when he was ranting and ranting at me. I just took a deep breath and walked. My last words to him being that I loved him but that basically... .he's a head case. He met his match. He met someone he can't control. Someone who told him they loved him deeply but when he pushed me away the 2nd time, I cracked on with my life. The first time, I wrote him a letter. I told him how sad I was, that I respected his decision but thanking him for how very, very happy he'd made me.  This time... .I went quiet.

The ranting was because I'd dared to speak to his new friend in his absence. I ALSO let 'slip' something huge to another girl in the group, who incidentally he had told me for ages didn't like me and I'd made problems, so ensuring we never spoke again (divide and conquer) I now think, because she has known him for years and knows there is something very wrong with him. Looking back, he cleverly manipulated us and the situation to make sure I never again went near her. Until she happened to be out on this night out and I told her something that made it VERY clear he had been back in my life. She was visibly shocked. I think she went back to him and confronted him to ask him wth he was playing at.  And that's how I became the Devil Incarnate in his eyes. And yet, the only other thing I said to anyone, all evening was... ."I still love him".

I was instructed to NOT talk to his friends. But I have done again since, and they've talked to me. And that's how I ended up being almost attacked on Christmas day, for a verbal onslaught and being given more orders not to talk to his friends.  I have disobeyed that order by the way, as much as possible.  

I truly feel for you having to work in this as well. You poor thing. I TOTALLY  understand what you mean about being back in school. I have already likened what mine is doing as being like a playground bully. Divide and conquer. If you want to be in my gang don't talk to her... .any of you. Pulling the hair of the girl he loves the most and making her cry. This entire experience has taken me right back to being 14 years old when my then so-called best friend successfully managed to make our whole friendship group give me the silent treatment for several months. I was almost suicidal and never found out the cause. All these years later, as an adult  she has tried to FB friend me hahahahahha. I think not. What she did to me affected me profoundly and I believe, shaped my life in many ways. I don't ever give HER any thought, but what he is doing to me now, or trying to do, is the same gut wrenching, heart breaking, frightening feeling. Except we're in our late 30s and this is someone I actually love.

I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like for you. No wonder your health has been compromised.
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HurtinNW
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« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2016, 10:49:21 AM »

I've been painted black as well, and my ex is an expert at playing the victim to our large group of mutual social friends. He is a very charming man who has cultivated a mask as the kindest, sweetest little boy-man you would ever meet. I know most our social friends wouldn't believe for a moment that in private he is abusive. I wouldn't have believed it either.

He is working overtime now to convince our numerous friends I am crazy, deranged, and was cruel to him. It's been very painful for me. This has been his pattern every time he raged and broke up with me. He immediately calls in the troops, crying on the shoulder of old friends, posting sad songs on social media, highlighting the lyrics where the man was hurt by a cruel woman, getting together with mutual friends and telling them all about me and how I broke his heart.

In past break-ups I would try to go out to theater and other art events. It's something we often did together. I cannot describe the pain of going to an event once after he had raged and broken up with me, and seeing him standing in a group of people, obviously comforting him while giving me eye daggers. I've had social friends call me in the past to tell me how much ex supposedly missed me, how he put me on a pedestal. One time I finally snapped, and said, "if that was a pedestal I'd sure hate to see the ground!" Another time I met mutual friends for lunch and they told me how sad and hurt my ex was. It is very hard to take the higher road but I am doing it. I am not going to lower myself into a he-said-she-said childish finger pointing session.

My ex has way more skills than I ever would have in the art of manipulating public opinion. He is very adept at playing the nice guy, because in his mind he was the nice guy. I know how good he is because for many years we knew of each other, and I was convinced of his mask as well.

The only people that have seen through this, that I can tell, are the few of us that have ever gotten close. Which is his sisters and me. Actually I am sure more astute people have as well.

It's been incredibly hard for me to handle this too. I am not someone who wants to show pain publicly, so I can see it looks like I am fine and he is not. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. No one ever found happiness through self-pity. So I am trying to carry on. But yes, it is so hard. I do have friends outside our arts community and I am trying to see them more.

I'm not sure how or when I should try and defend myself or correct the record. It bothers me that people I respect would believe I hurt my ex, but then I try to remember that eventually this will get old. He can go around acting like a hurt victim for so long, and people will want him to move on. I have a feeling he will cast this as the great loss of his life, and is already building a tragic story around it.

I am trying to remind myself that this is not the kind of person capable of an adult relationship. Even the people who are feeling sorry for him have to know that, at some level. They may feel sorry for him and believe whatever he says about me, but I think intuitively people understand they wouldn't want to be with someone who castigates and demonizes another. So that gives me comfort. I also hope that eventually time will tell. If I can heal and learn from this, I can go on to have a happy life. Eventually people will forget. They have other things to think about than my ex and his tale of woe.

Sending up support in keeping your head up high!   
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Stripey77
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« Reply #8 on: April 18, 2016, 11:08:54 AM »

Thank you, and right back at you.

My ex is very high functioning (and a functioning alcoholic if you ask me) intelligent and otherwise lucid. The most intelligent and interesting partner I've ever had, and I am a switched on chick myself. So of course, the intellectual connection was instant, and I suppose we each recognised that we had met our match, in many ways.

The reason I say this, my ex is not therefore, so stupid as to try to enlist to his cause each and every person who knows both of us. That would involved making something up, and getting them to believe it, and even care... .it would have to be something pretty substantial. And it would have to be substantiated, which he'd be unable to do.

Secondly... .I'm a nice lady! I'm not without my faults, who is? But I go out of my way to project happiness, kindness and friendship where ever I go, especially in our community where networking is everything and we all know each other. I help people where I can and try, as you do, to keep an even keel and a happy face on in public at all times. My pain is very private. It would take some serious slandering to try to turn all of those people against me... in fact, all I see happening at the moment is more and more people turning towards me and me making more friends. It's all happening organically and naturally, just by me being me.  In the much longer run, I honestly think that he is going to wind up looking ridiculous  JUST like the school bully left standing alone with just his sidekicks. How many social occasions, nights out etc. can there be when there is one prince of darkness scowling in the corner ignoring me... .whose friends are also my friends, and want to talk to me? What an exhausting waste of energy that must be.  My only hope is that one day... .he'll realise it and he'll crack. If he wanted to speak to me again I would welcome it with open arms, even if was just to say hello. We can dream.   But I stand by what I say, he is going to end up looking like a child with a silly little resentment against someone everyone else just wants to get on with.
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Stripey77
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« Reply #9 on: April 18, 2016, 11:15:38 AM »

BTW

Don't you find it all very strange that someone who has DELETED ME FROM HIS LIFE has kept me on Skype/messenger apps?  And is still subscribed to see our photos if he wanted to. It's not as if he's stupid and has forgotten that I was his contact on there, is it? We talked all the time on them.

This makes it hard for me to totally believe, deep deep down, that I am truly deleted, for life. Although I clearly am right now.

:'(
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #10 on: April 18, 2016, 12:41:21 PM »

BTW

Don't you find it all very strange that someone who has DELETED ME FROM HIS LIFE has kept me on Skype/messenger apps?  And is still subscribed to see our photos if he wanted to. It's not as if he's stupid and has forgotten that I was his contact on there, is it? We talked all the time on them.

This makes it hard for me to totally believe, deep deep down, that I am truly deleted, for life. Although I clearly am right now.

:'(

I have not been deleted or blocked from Whatsapp either. Despite him painting me black, trying to destroy me because he hurts on the inside but also enjoying hurting me in the process. I think there is an element of NPD in him. If he 'quit' as he thinks, and I'm such a horrible person he needs to get some 60 people on my case to make my life h*ll why the h*ll does he leave this channel of possible communication open? Same as yours.

Perhaps at some point we will be contacted by our exes. I dread the day. I wouldn't have a clue what to do and would feel every emotion humanly possible times 100.

I mean after months of feeling strong and being sure I would just ignore or say something like 'bugger ye off' the last few weeks I have felt weak. Too much on my plate with my diagnosis and feeling the pressure of having to go back to work and his new job and now this LinkedIn stuff... I fell off my No Searching wagon last week, found a picture of him with a bloated face and damaged skin because of the nonstop boozing but with this oh so familiar soft sensitive vulnerable look and I almost caved. I had to remind myself of the things he did, picture the glance he threw at me when he wanted to punish me for asking a question that triggered him, a mixture of slyness, enjoyment, cunningness, 'let's see how you like this game', hate, pain. I had to remind myself it was the same face to stop myself from reaching out.

Because he looked vulnerable and damaged and as if he needed taking care of. I needed to remind myself he is a grown man who is very capable of looking after himself in a lot of other ways and it isn't in any way shape or form my responsibility if he drinks himself to death or gets Korsakov. It physically hurts when I think of the soft boyish look. So I try to think of the devilish distorted face that hissed at me that something was not to his liking. But that made me feel like a 6 year old about to get smacked by my mum. And thinking about that side of him physically hurts too.

I need to be able to walk soon. I need proper therapy from my psychologist not just her weekly calls to support me in my staying afloat.
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« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2016, 12:48:38 PM »

Thank you, and right back at you.

My ex is very high functioning (and a functioning alcoholic if you ask me) intelligent and otherwise lucid. The most intelligent and interesting partner I've ever had, and I am a switched on chick myself. So of course, the intellectual connection was instant, and I suppose we each recognised that we had met our match, in many ways.

The reason I say this, my ex is not therefore, so stupid as to try to enlist to his cause each and every person who knows both of us. That would involved making something up, and getting them to believe it, and even care... .it would have to be something pretty substantial. And it would have to be substantiated, which he'd be unable to do.

Secondly... .I'm a nice lady! I'm not without my faults, who is? But I go out of my way to project happiness, kindness and friendship where ever I go, especially in our community where networking is everything and we all know each other. I help people where I can and try, as you do, to keep an even keel and a happy face on in public at all times. My pain is very private. It would take some serious slandering to try to turn all of those people against me... in fact, all I see happening at the moment is more and more people turning towards me and me making more friends. It's all happening organically and naturally, just by me being me.  In the much longer run, I honestly think that he is going to wind up looking ridiculous  JUST like the school bully left standing alone with just his sidekicks. How many social occasions, nights out etc. can there be when there is one prince of darkness scowling in the corner ignoring me... .whose friends are also my friends, and want to talk to me? What an exhausting waste of energy that must be.  My only hope is that one day... .he'll realise it and he'll crack. If he wanted to speak to me again I would welcome it with open arms, even if was just to say hello. We can dream.   But I stand by what I say, he is going to end up looking like a child with a silly little resentment against someone everyone else just wants to get on with.

Well said! My ex is also careful not to try and smear me to people who know me personally, including members of his own family. These are all social friends.

And also, I have found that most people will be attracted to kindness and good cheer. At the same time I feel his social circle is being manipulated and is feeling sorry for him, that hasn't stopped many of them from continuing to be my friends. In the moment I think people will rally around him because he seems so sad. But once out of sight they still like me. I'm thinking of a time during a break up where some people he had introduced me to asked me out to dinner, and clearly made overtures of friendship.

I do a lot of good work in the community, and people do seem to genuinely like me, and respect me in warm ways, so thank you for reminding me of that.

Regarding deleting you: he's not deleting you, he is using you as the canvas in which he projects all his emotions. He can just easily decide next week you really were The One and try to recycle you.

WoundedBibi: I caught my ex making similar faces. Once I very gently confronted him about making me out to be a shrew, and he got the oddest smirk on his face, with a little guilty smile. It was like a mean little kid caught. Other times he has had a sly expression on his face. I think part of him knows exactly what he is doing, and that is very much like NPD. There is a calculated quality to it. For instance, he never once raged at me in front of social friends. In public he acted the part of adoring me beyond measure. It was only in private or someplace people weren't watching that he raged. To me that he could turn it on and off like that suggests something more than BPD. To go from that sweet little doe eyed, tender, biting his lips look to a distorted, hissing angry face the moment the audience wasn't there... .
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« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2016, 01:06:27 PM »

Exactly that, the secret sly look over the shoulder only I would see. The hissing in a dark corner where no one was watching.

The thing with work is, I've always tried to separate private and professional. You cannot just mix the two and go off boozing with subordinates. So to a degree I'm reserved. The people that worked for me love me to bits and are still contacting me asking if I'm able to go out yet, go for coffee. I went to a wedding of one of them in Greece when I could still walk well enough.

The others didn't know me well enough. Or we talked on breaks and they found me utterly amusing and loved my departmental emails. They seemed to genuinely like me. But he boozed with them, bought them drinks until his bank account was empty, hung around their necks and told them how he loved them, so I guess they liked him more. And there is this very strange almost magical magnetic thing about him. People are almost grateful he chooses them to be with. So the really funny and once you know her warm and genuine woman or the magical wizard that buys you booze so you can bask in his glory?

And of course I never campaigned. I was silent. So there was no one that said "hang on people, is this really true? Is he the wizard of Oz? Or a guy behind a curtain?"
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« Reply #13 on: April 18, 2016, 01:18:12 PM »

Stripey and everyone else painted black by your exes I feel for you all. My ex painted me black as well. I've been told by she herself that just thinking about me makes her angry, but my ex is the type to internalize most things. Even though you don't THINK your ex is feeling rage towards you it is very possible he is, because what I've read from my time on the BPD forums trying to understand the emotional dysregulation is not all of them are acting out. Some act in. My ex literally refuses to acknowledge me, but at this point that's normal as we had a long distance relationship. Even still, I managed to rile up feelings in her.

Honestly, the way I see it is it goes past the point of just being painted black. Plain and simple you're a trigger for him. You trigger whatever feelings it is he is trying to hide from. I trigger my ex a lot, just by the mere site of my name popping up. She would just rather not deal with me in any way, shape or form. After all, I'm to blame for her lying and cheating ways and seeing me reminds her that she isn't as good of a person as she portrays herself to be. Imagine someone pretending to be this knight in shining armor, but in reality they are not. Still, they don't want anyone to know. The best thing to do is to not take it personal. It's how they cope, it's how they have always coped and survived life and emotional turmoil. My ex once told me she left her home for a couple years and never looked back. Never thought about her mom or anything. It's how they function. If it makes you feel any better, just take it as you got under his skin SO much that the mere sight or mention of you causes him distress. That's why he does what he does.
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« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2016, 01:21:05 PM »

Exactly that, the secret sly look over the shoulder only I would see. The hissing in a dark corner where no one was watching.

The thing with work is, I've always tried to separate private and professional. You cannot just mix the two and go off boozing with subordinates. So to a degree I'm reserved. The people that worked for me love me to bits and are still contacting me asking if I'm able to go out yet, go for coffee. I went to a wedding of one of them in Greece when I could still walk well enough.

The others didn't know me well enough. Or we talked on breaks and they found me utterly amusing and loved my departmental emails. They seemed to genuinely like me. But he boozed with them, bought them drinks until his bank account was empty, hung around their necks and told them how he loved them, so I guess they liked him more. And there is this very strange almost magical magnetic thing about him. People are almost grateful he chooses them to be with. So the really funny and once you know her warm and genuine woman or the magical wizard that buys you booze so you can bask in his glory?

And of course I never campaigned. I was silent. So there was no one that said "hang on people, is this really true? Is he the wizard of Oz? Or a guy behind a curtain?"

I'm glad you brought up the charisma piece. My ex has that in spades. It isn't just superficial charm. I think he lets enough of that real child in there show that people just respond to him. I know I did. He is profoundly magnetic. People love to be around him when he is feeling good, and that is a strong enough drug that they will hang around him when he is being self-pitying too.

I'm more like you. I'm very genuine, kind, compassionate and real. I have friends that go back for decades. I have people who connect with me about my novel, which is also very authentic and compassionate. I have learned social graces, but I am not someone who is naturally a politician. My ex is like a politician. He reminds me of Bill Clinton, in some ways: just this guy who others flock to, funny, artistic, and people will shrug off evidence of his sins because he is so darn likeable.

I've had people on the outside say, hey, look, this guy is unemployed, irresponsible, spoiled and entitled, what do you see in him? If they spent an hour with him they would see. He's the kind of person where you actually forget the truth about his situation because of the charisma.

I refuse to campaign as well. I am going with my gut, and my gut says to take the path of integrity.

Also, as I've said, I think eventually for a NPD it falls apart. There comes a time when their social charm and good looks no longer are enough to protect them from their behaviors. That is happening with my ex. It is sad to watch from a distance because he is totally blind to the absolute mess he is making of his life. His charm is being swallowed by bitterness. If he continues this path his old age will be an unhappy time indeed.



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« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2016, 01:33:32 PM »

One of the most popular sayings on this website is "pwBPD are consistently inconsistent".  This is one thing (among many) that I try to keep foremost in my mind whenever thinking about what makes her "tick".

I sent my ex a good-bye text (one that was very tactful and constructive) at the end of December indicating that I realized that it was too painful for her to keep me in her life (we had parted back in June '15).  Our communication had dwindled over time to where it was only about her (she didn't even respond to a "Have a Merry Xmas" text).  I was certainly painted blacker than black after this.

The only tie between us is that our high-school daughters are best friends.  Recently my daughter had mentioned that she feels that my ex has become almost rude to her.  So as much as I didn't want to reach out I felt compelled to do so and sent her something along with a note.  Nothing--and that was a month ago.  Now mind you---this is now about our daughters, not us.  

What I'm trying to say is:

---As WB said earlier "we can only control ourselves".  2 1/2 months of NC has proven that to me.

---We need to remember that we're dealing with toddlers emotionally.  As much as we would hope that they would respond as adults they simply don't have the ability to do so.

---Losing control for pwBPD can be a sentence worse than death for some of them and we have done just that by not responding to their immature behavior.

I'll continue to be painted black until I'm not. The takeaway should be that none of us should feel as though we can't live our own everyday lives due to what our exes may or may not do.  Our happiness depends on us.

LF

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« Reply #16 on: April 18, 2016, 01:59:03 PM »

One of the most popular sayings on this website is "pwBPD are consistently inconsistent".  This is one thing (among many) that I try to keep foremost in my mind whenever thinking about what makes her "tick".

I sent my ex a good-bye text (one that was very tactful and constructive) at the end of December indicating that I realized that it was too painful for her to keep me in her life (we had parted back in June '15).  Our communication had dwindled over time to where it was only about her (she didn't even respond to a "Have a Merry Xmas" text).  I was certainly painted blacker than black after this.

The only tie between us is that our high-school daughters are best friends.  Recently my daughter had mentioned that she feels that my ex has become almost rude to her.  So as much as I didn't want to reach out I felt compelled to do so and sent her something along with a note.  Nothing--and that was a month ago.  Now mind you---this is now about our daughters, not us. 

What I'm trying to say is:

---As WB said earlier "we can only control ourselves".  2 1/2 months of NC has proven that to me.

---We need to remember that we're dealing with toddlers emotionally.  As much as we would hope that they would respond as adults they simply don't have the ability to do so.

---Losing control for pwBPD can be a sentence worse than death for some of them and we have done just that by not responding to their immature behavior.

I'll continue to be painted black until I'm not. The takeaway should be that none of us should feel as though we can't live our own everyday lives due to what our exes may or may not do.  Our happiness depends on us.

LF

You are right. But even in knowing I can only control myself I under stress still am not able to control myself. I've been feeling nauseous all day.

Most of the group that followed the wizard of Oz are just that, simple followers. Once out of his basking glory they will at some point forget. Perhaps seeing me again for the first time might trigger a memory or two but that's fine. The real flying monkeys are my issue. I know rationally they cannot do anything to me. What are they going to do? Kill me? No. But they might as well put a gun to my head because the level of panic having to be near them is the same for me.

That's why something 'simple' as a LinkedIn invite makes me freak out. He has enjoyed hurting me to a degree. His sister and he are so close he says he loves her so much it is almost incestuous. Basically I guess she is his perfect woman. So in my view it is logical I wonder why the h*ll his sister has sent me a LinkedIn invite yesterday. I would be nuts not to think what's behind this after the games I've been subjected to. Even is she was not involved in those. Perhaps he has calmed down and has given her permission to invite me, to let her know I have been forgiven. There is still a blog out there that says I have an empty heart, cold eyes and he wanted to give me the light but I wanted too much and how will he ever heal his abandoned heart. At this point I would love to put in the vomiting emoji but it's gone...

Oh well, I might be nauseous and freaking out and I might have fallen off my No Searching wagon last week but at least I have not reached out and I'm back on the NS wagon.

The day I go back to work for the first time I will be throwing up though. And taking you along to get me through it all...
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« Reply #17 on: April 18, 2016, 02:16:28 PM »

Honestly, the way I see it is it goes past the point of just being painted black. Plain and simple you're a trigger for him. You trigger whatever feelings it is he is trying to hide from. I trigger my ex a lot, just by the mere site of my name popping up. She would just rather not deal with me in any way, shape or form. After all, I'm to blame for her lying and cheating ways and seeing me reminds her that she isn't as good of a person as she portrays herself to be. Imagine someone pretending to be this knight in shining armor, but in reality they are not. Still, they don't want anyone to know. The best thing to do is to not take it personal. It's how they cope, it's how they have always coped and survived life and emotional turmoil. My ex once told me she left her home for a couple years and never looked back. Never thought about her mom or anything. It's how they function. If it makes you feel any better, just take it as you got under his skin SO much that the mere sight or mention of you causes him distress. That's why he does what he does.

5tarla,

Great post---very true and spot on.  I have read similar posts on various pwBPD websites.  Members will describe relationships that were more like short-term or "bridge to the next relationship" encounters which for the most part were forgettable.  In their opinions, the memorable and significant relationships were the most painful which helps explain the "blacker than black" most of us have felt.  I'll never doubt that I meant a lot to my ex---until I didn't.

My ex connected with someone new within days of us parting (a connection that was made even more difficult because she spent the summer in a completely different state).  I was initially stunned but then recognized that her emotional pain was so raw that anyone/anybody would become her next "encounter".  There was little compatibility (he was 12 years older, already a grandfather and it was an LDR) and it lasted about 4 months.  This was followed by a  local "encounter" that lasted 3 months.  Again same theme---little compatibility but she needed someone to ease the emotional pain.

Our emotional pain is episodic and will eventually fade over time.  Unfortunately theirs is constant and perpetual.

LF

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« Reply #18 on: April 18, 2016, 02:19:41 PM »

Thank you, one and all.

Firstly, the reason I don't believe he is raging against me, as I said in an earlier post, is the look I've seen on his face when I've caught him looking at me. It's definitely not anger, and I do know what he looks like when he's not in a good mood. This wasn't it.  I most certainly agree that I trigger something deep in him; I think he simply does not know what to do with himself when he sees me. As I said, someone who loved him very, very deeply -  and I truly believe that he fell in love with me as well, as much as someone with BPD can - has walked away, in effect. I did not want to walk away from him in any way whatsoever. I was prepared to stick by him had he confided in me whatever it was he was trying to tell me. But he essentially did a complete U-turn, and went overnight from telling me he needed me and he hoped I could heal him, to pushing me away as hard as he could. So I left. He was obviously incandescent when I spoke to his new friend - at her instigation, btw - because basically, he got rumbled. It transpired that he'd been running around after her being the most amazing friend the world has ever known... .whilst building up to getting back together with me. Why he needed to get back together with me when he had a new friend in his life, I will never  know.  I truly think, even months later that even though they are still hanging around together a lot as thick as thieves, they really are just friends... new best friends. He has a female best friend from his country who left here at around the same time as all of this, and I think this girl has stepped in as her replacement. My replacement, so far, appears to be beer. Beer, beer, beer, beer and more beer.   But just friends or not, his behaviour was duplicitous to the extreme, and he must have felt so very out of control when I found all of this out from her - because he was out of the country. In no way shape or form had he ever wanted me to spend an evening out drinking with this girl and find these things out-  it just happened.  I also gleaned by looking through their FB pages that the dates he'd missed or delayed with me... .he'd been getting smashed with her. Absolutely smashed. He'd already broken up with me again for the 2nd time at that point just a few days before I spent the evening with this girl, and told me that it was 'for the best' for us not to talk to each other. So he had zero right to tell me who I can and can't talk to.  He knows very well what he's done, he knows it was wrong, and I can only guess that guilt/shame or something similar led him to lash out on the one person he had wronged so horribly - me! The same person who forgave him and welcomed him back with open arms after he told me he didn't deserve me after the way he treated me, and gave him a 2nd chance. He breaks up with me again, and then blames ME when his new friend comes and tells me everything I wasn't supposed to know. Obviously, he can't tell her not to talk to someone because that would expose him as being a control freak, yet he thought nothing of stepping up to me, his ex, to tell me at some length who I may and may not talk to, and why did I have to talk to her? etc. etc.


Anyway I digress. I am just trying to explain the events that led to me being painted black. Personally, I do not dread the day he talks to me, which practically everyone thinks he will do... .one day. I crave it. I would control the conversation, if it ever happens. I would not allow a recycle, despite the fact I still feel exactly as I always have for him. I know he is very damaged. But right now, the only reason my heart is not in my boots is because I am holding it up by sheer willpower. It feels like I mentally have to squeeze it together all of the time to stop the pieces falling apart again. When I think about how much I miss him, it hurts. I occasionally still cry about it on a bad day. I want him to talk to me so very badly, to burst that bubble, to make my heart heal somewhat... .and so on. I just want to be on friendly terms, as I have said. Even though it would still hurt not to be with him anymore, it would have to hurt less than this sheer living hell.

I agree with you 5taria. I trigger him. I must really, really really get under his skin for him to come home and block me on something that I would have had no way of knowing he did other than I happened to look. And that was just because he saw me... .as I said, I made no attempts to contact him after the  Christmas day incident, yet this was just the other week.

I have just walked around town, bold as you like, making sure I looked nice of course... .not too nice, just nice Smiling (click to insert in post) Right around 'his' neighbourhood, the supermarket, his local bars. Seeing as they are just minutes from my house too I have every right to be seen there. Unfortunately I didn't see him to give him a glimpse of me, but it will happen. To be able to even do this, and I am doing it more, is progress for me.

Thank you once again all. I can't resonate with the making faces part so much... .I don't think my ex is that consciously manipulative or wearing many different masks. I do think he's in turmoil and the drink is what seems to make it all so much better... .for a while.  As I say, he is extremely intelligent and highly functioning. Saddest of all is that as I think I've illustrated on here, he seems to know very very well that something is wrong with him, gravely wrong. But he doesn't know what it is. He is really to be pitied... .he threw away the love of a good woman.
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« Reply #19 on: April 18, 2016, 02:21:20 PM »



Learning Fast - thank you, you're not the only one to say that, and it does make me feel better. I'm glad I'm under his skin, it means I meant something to him, and hey, he's under mine, so good. Thank you for your insight.

Regarding deleting you: he's not deleting you, he is using you as the canvas in which he projects all his emotions. He can just easily decide next week you really were The One and try to recycle you.


Hurtin-


Thank you. Right now, I feel... .80% deleted. If that makes any sense at all.

BTW I should say, I have seen my ex give both men and women to the silent treatment or at least, trying to avoid them, and in all instances, I've seen him talk to them in the end anyway. It just doesn't feel like I'll be one of them, I think because I got the closest. He met his match at every level. Even on the day he ranted at me, he told me he knows I am an intelligent person. He knows he met his equal and he's realised he can't control me. Most staggering of all of these people was the girlfriend he had before me, who he said he realised he didn't love (and this may well be true) I know from his and other's accounts that she suffered horribly when he broke up with her - well I can understand that at least. But she was never deleted or blocked or anything of the sort, he just overnight stopped communicating with her after the breakup, from what I can tell. When he and I were in the blissful early stages of our relationship, we were all at the same party in a bar one night. I recognised her from FB, and caught her looking at us. Again understandable, poor girl. He practically hid behind me so as not to be seen, or at least make eye contact. He certainly didn't acknowledge her, and he didn't know that I knew who she was. So she was at the receiving end of what I went on to receive months later, except she wasn't painted black I don't think. I genuinely do not believe she got as close to him as I did. It is possible that he frightened himself with how he felt about me. Several people have commented to me these last months that for him to be acting as he is toward me, he still loves me but that he's put it in a box. For sure, his feelings are still invested, because if he were indifferent toward me he certainly wouldn't be finding new ways to lash out.

So, roll on a few months to the time when he had broken up with me the 2nd time and was again not talking to me because it was 'for the best'. Before he 'deleted me from his life'. Imagine my surprise to see him tagged in a photograph at the birthday party of... .can you guess? Drumroll please... .

That's right. The ex before me.

The one he hid behind me to avoid talking to. It didn't look remotely romantic, just friendly, but nonetheless, there he was. Staggering.

He is as I say UNdiagnosed, but if this isn't BPD, then I'd like to know what is!  
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« Reply #20 on: April 18, 2016, 02:34:04 PM »

We make a lovely set of triggers, don't we  ?

I'm too tired to typ much. Just handing out hugs for now to all the ones that are triggers here

       
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« Reply #21 on: April 18, 2016, 02:45:59 PM »

Yeah. I've read some BPD state their love doesn't go away, they just don't feel it anymore because it's buried very, very deep, or something to that effect. I can also relate to the shame and guilt your ex expresses. Honestly, my ex cracked during our last conversation together and it was a lot of her emotions being inconsistent. She doesn't think she was good enough for me, and she used to tell me that after she cheated on me. Mind you, I didn't know at the time, but it was around that time that she began telling me I was too good for her, she was afraid to hurt me, etc. She doesn't even visit the writing site we met on anymore, and she CLAIMS it's not because of me, but I'm pretty sure it is. Why would you leave something you're passionate about? :/
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« Reply #22 on: April 18, 2016, 03:10:58 PM »

 :'(

Sigh... .there really are some depressing similarities here, aren't there? It was the 'are you sure?' re: me still loving him that really got me. At no point did I ever, ever walk away, leave him, make myself unavailable to him, and yet there he was asking me if I was sure I still loved him. Surely it should have been me asking that question? Well in fact I did the second time he made moves towards me, and his answer? "Always".  Then a few weeks later he threw me away again.
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« Reply #23 on: April 18, 2016, 03:27:32 PM »

:'(

Sigh... .there really are some depressing similarities here, aren't there? It was the 'are you sure?' re: me still loving him that really got me. At no point did I ever, ever walk away, leave him, make myself unavailable to him, and yet there he was asking me if I was sure I still loved him. Surely it should have been me asking that question? Well in fact I did the second time he made moves towards me, and his answer? "Always".  Then a few weeks later he threw me away again.

They did/do love us. Just not enough to do the work on themselves.

Not that's not fair. There are many moments they are also not 'lucid', not self reflective enough to see they even have an issue.

There is kind of a confession on my ex's blog too. One he never expressed to me as once he had me he went into his avoidance attachment style and stopped communicating on many levels. He says something along the lines of admitting his soul is sometimes filled with mist. Your ex was a lot clearer. He KNOWS he is damaged although he calls it brain damaged. Maybe you should look at it from a different point of view. Maybe he loved you enough to realize he would hurt you and you would not be able to fix his damage so he pushed you away to protect you from worse.

Could look at it from a different point of view. Not should...
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« Reply #24 on: April 18, 2016, 03:49:29 PM »

Goodness---it's like we all dated iterations of the same person! A couple of observations about my ex:

----She several times commented that she was "vulnerable", "sensitive" and "self-centered".  These moments of clarity were infrequent and short-lived and any attempt on my part to probe any deeper was met with "I'm fine".  She's mid 40s and has been afflicted long enough to know that something's not right.  Sadly she's unwilling to face her own demons.

---After she initially disappeared after about 1 yr together (any before several recycles) she would describe our relationship as "locked in a vault in her mind".  This was prior to my knowledge of BPD so my thought was What the heck?  Now I know exactly what she meant.

---She never believed that I loved her.  I can't count how many times I told her so and yet she just couldn't process the fact that it was true.  Even one of our last times together I commented that she never believed that I loved her.  Her response was "Nope, never believed it".

---Finally, when we parted she looked at me and said "I just don't know what I'm going to do because I'm so in love with you".  She connected with my replacement 6 days later.

On another note, you'll find this site to be invaluable to your long-term mental and physical health.  There is SO much more that I now know about BPD that has helped frame my ex's behavior that I'd be completely lost otherwise.

LF


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« Reply #25 on: April 18, 2016, 03:59:43 PM »

I want to reply to this thread with my own story but I feel totally afraid to. I can't tell it without it being completely immediately identifiable to him, or to another party involved.
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« Reply #26 on: April 18, 2016, 04:13:59 PM »

Goodness---it's like we all dated iterations of the same person! A couple of observations about my ex:

----She several times commented that she was "vulnerable", "sensitive" and "self-centered".  These moments of clarity were infrequent and short-lived and any attempt on my part to probe any deeper was met with "I'm fine".  She's mid 40s and has been afflicted long enough to know that something's not right.  Sadly she's unwilling to face her own demons.

---After she initially disappeared after about 1 yr together (any before several recycles) she would describe our relationship as "locked in a vault in her mind".  This was prior to my knowledge of BPD so my thought was What the heck?  Now I know exactly what she meant.

---She never believed that I loved her.  I can't count how many times I told her so and yet she just couldn't process the fact that it was true.  Even one of our last times together I commented that she never believed that I loved her.  Her response was "Nope, never believed it".

---Finally, when we parted she looked at me and said "I just don't know what I'm going to do because I'm so in love with you".  She connected with my replacement 6 days later.

On another note, you'll find this site to be invaluable to your long-term mental and physical health.  There is SO much more that I now know about BPD that has helped frame my ex's behavior that I'd be completely lost otherwise.

LF

I guess we did...

There was an attempt at a recycle or perhaps to have control over me, where he kissed me on Friday night and said he would see me on Saturday night. Not knowing apparently I was not invited to the party he was invited to as the partythrower was someone I avoided as the plague (not genuine, mean, cold, loved to gossip, basically like all his friends and as it turned out him). At the party he was told not to be with me. Whether it was the flying monkeys told him I was horrible or made him unhappy doesn't matter, as I understand this was the message. Whether they made him change his mind or they just reinforced him doesn't matter either, he didn't have the right character anyway. At the time I knew none of this and I was at work, at a pub and later at home thinking about this amazing kiss. I realized I was still in love. Even though I had walked away the first time I sent him a message on Sunday that I was still in love but that I wanted a different type of relationship this time round of there was to be a this time round. In a rare moment of clarity he let me know he could never be in a relationship. And that he should not confuse me by his inner [certain nationality]. Followed by that I didn't know what love was anyway and explaining it to me was pointless. And that it now was time to go to sleep. Cu.

He was up all night as far as I could tell from his Whatsapp logins and called in sick the next day.

Two days later he was kissed by another girl and told a colleague it was time to get himself a girlfriend. Not that he did at that time. He might have tried later but with his mental, emotional and sexual issues actual girlfriends are not that easy to find and/or don't stick around.

I'm very up & down right now in my emotions and how I feel about it all and without this site I would be utterly lost.
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« Reply #27 on: April 18, 2016, 04:15:09 PM »

Hi Bibi - Yes, even though he dismissed it as 'a joke'  who the hell jokes that they are brain damaged? And then immediately says they can't explain it even to themselves. I have most definitely had the thought that in a strange way he has done this to protect me. The first time he broke up with me and went silent on me, when I saw him we had a long discussion (which he walked out of) and that was the first time he said to me that his advice to me was to forget him and hate him. I was dismayed to hear this. The love of my life telling me to hate him. The man who had talked to me all day every day for months and wanted to see me as much as possible.  Remember the Michael Jackson Thriller video when he's a werewolf and realises he's about to transform... .and shouts at his date to go away for her sake? There are parallels for sure. Although my ex never went so far as to turn into a werewolf, to the best of my knowledge.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

6 weeks or so later, he was back in my life, saying he realised he'd lost something important. But as I say, he is the most intelligent partner I've ever had. I bet you I'm also his, and maybe he knew that I was on to him and wasn't going to let it go once he'd alluded to his 'injury'. It wasn't a a joke. It's also not a coincidence that just days later, I found myself back on the receiving end of the silent treatment and in limbo.


When I first implored him not for us to be broken up (the first time he left me) he told me that he was missing me but that he thought he'd made the right decision. He then said something I will never forget. He told me he didn't want to 'cheat' me (he meant mislead me/cheat me of my time, not cheat on me) and that he would rather walk around alone than do this to me again in a few months. (Unlike others on these boards, it seems that my ex IS capable of being alone, so long as he at least has special friends around him to plug the gap. He is also quite happy to sit alone and get smashed, of course. His constant companion is alcohol. His friends are his world.) Now, quite aside from the fact that that is exactly what happened anyway, he made it sound as if this was an inevitable chain of events, out of his control. That he would be leaving me anyway later down the line, as if he couldn't help himself. So with that in mind, there is every chance he was trying to spare me from that. He was asking me to hate him and forget him. I have told him every time, how am I supposed to hate someone I love? It's impossible. I still don't hate him. Of course, he has pushed me away so hard now, I have no contact with him, so everything he said has become a self fulfilling prophecy. I suppose to him it looks as though he has succeeded in making me hate him and forget him, because I never ever contact him and I walk right past him as he does me. So, mission accomplished? Or just confirmation that I was going to leave him in the end anyway? It's not what I ever wanted, either way.

BTW way - 5teria- it was you who initially made the comments about me getting under his skin  and they were re-quoted. Thank you for your input as well, I appreciate it and agree wholeheartedly.

What a sad state of affairs this is. I actually feel sorry for him, really I do. Even though he has treated me utterly appallingly and I feel more sorry for me. I have to keep reminding myself that he has lost out as well.

BTW (2) Some of you have mentioned your exes' charisma, making up for what they lack in employment etc. It's interesting, my ex is as I say, co owner of a local business.  He works his socks off, so I can't relate to that - the charisma part I certainly can.  But he also parties hard and is by far, far and away the messiest person I have ever met in my life. When I went to his house on my birthday I was dismayed to see that his usually terribly messy house was in the very worst state I have ever seen it. We had both returned from respective holidays about 3 weeks before... .his suitcase was still strewn all over the house. Every single spare inch of surface area was covered in stuff. Everything. It was jaw dropping... .and saddening at the same time. What do they say about tidy houses/tidy minds?  May I remind you, this is not a student home but that of a 36 year old. Similarly, when drinking... he gets himself SO drunk... I've seen photos of him passed out in his food (I'm not joking) which he showed me after missing a date with me.  He did at least apologise. And another with drink all over his shirt, and a glazed look in his eye. He told ME to drink less over Christmas. The drinker is him. My friend came to visit me when he wasn't talking to me last  year and actually ended up sitting in close proximity to him in a bar. Her shocked remark to me was that he looked like a tramp... .and he did. My ex is extremely beautiful. And yet this for both his own, and his home's, appearance. I am sure this is an outward sign of his inner turmoil... .cos it ain't normal, that's for sure.  I guess these are the things his charisma make up for.
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« Reply #28 on: April 18, 2016, 04:19:58 PM »

Semantics - if you want to tell us please do. Everything I have said makes my story completely identifiable, but I think the chances of him being on here reading this are zero.  I'm sure the same must apply to you?
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« Reply #29 on: April 18, 2016, 04:22:37 PM »

Totally identifiable too. Slightly scared, yes. But what is my ex going to do? Tell people I write here? Then his secret is out...
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