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Author Topic: Dealing with being painted black  (Read 3240 times)
5tarla
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« Reply #30 on: April 18, 2016, 04:31:16 PM »

You're welcome, stripey. I just take it as if I wasn't able to get under my exes skin like that, then she obviously never cared at all about me. They always say the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. My ex refuses to ever own up to anything she did to MY face, but her blog she called herself an 'f' up and took the blame for our break-up. Isn't that interesting?
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #31 on: April 18, 2016, 04:42:30 PM »

Hi Bibi - Yes, even though he dismissed it as 'a joke'  who the hell jokes that they are brain damaged? And then immediately says they can't explain it even to themselves. I have most definitely had the thought that in a strange way he has done this to protect me. The first time he broke up with me and went silent on me, when I saw him we had a long discussion (which he walked out of) and that was the first time he said to me that his advice to me was to forget him and hate him. I was dismayed to hear this. The love of my life telling me to hate him. The man who had talked to me all day every day for months and wanted to see me as much as possible.  Remember the Michael Jackson Thriller video when he's a werewolf and realises he's about to transform... .and shouts at his date to go away for her sake? There are parallels for sure. Although my ex never went so far as to turn into a werewolf, to the best of my knowledge.  Smiling (click to insert in post)

6 weeks or so later, he was back in my life, saying he realised he'd lost something important. But as I say, he is the most intelligent partner I've ever had. I bet you I'm also his, and maybe he knew that I was on to him and wasn't going to let it go once he'd alluded to his 'injury'. It wasn't a a joke. It's also not a coincidence that just days later, I found myself back on the receiving end of the silent treatment and in limbo.


When I first implored him not for us to be broken up (the first time he left me) he told me that he was missing me but that he thought he'd made the right decision. He then said something I will never forget. He told me he didn't want to 'cheat' me (he meant mislead me/cheat me of my time, not cheat on me) and that he would rather walk around alone than do this to me again in a few months. (Unlike others on these boards, it seems that my ex IS capable of being alone, so long as he at least has special friends around him to plug the gap. He is also quite happy to sit alone and get smashed, of course. His constant companion is alcohol. His friends are his world.) Now, quite aside from the fact that that is exactly what happened anyway, he made it sound as if this was an inevitable chain of events, out of his control. That he would be leaving me anyway later down the line, as if he couldn't help himself. So with that in mind, there is every chance he was trying to spare me from that. He was asking me to hate him and forget him. I have told him every time, how am I supposed to hate someone I love? It's impossible. I still don't hate him. Of course, he has pushed me away so hard now, I have no contact with him, so everything he said has become a self fulfilling prophecy. I suppose to him it looks as though he has succeeded in making me hate him and forget him, because I never ever contact him and I walk right past him as he does me. So, mission accomplished? Or just confirmation that I was going to leave him in the end anyway? It's not what I ever wanted, either way.

BTW way - 5teria- it was you who initially made the comments about me getting under his skin  and they were re-quoted. Thank you for your input as well, I appreciate it and agree wholeheartedly.

What a sad state of affairs this is. I actually feel sorry for him, really I do. Even though he has treated me utterly appallingly and I feel more sorry for me. I have to keep reminding myself that he has lost out as well.

BTW (2) Some of you have mentioned your exes' charisma, making up for what they lack in employment etc. It's interesting, my ex is as I say, co owner of a local business.  He works his socks off, so I can't relate to that - the charisma part I certainly can.  But he also parties hard and is by far, far and away the messiest person I have ever met in my life. When I went to his house on my birthday I was dismayed to see that his usually terribly messy house was in the very worst state I have ever seen it. We had both returned from respective holidays about 3 weeks before... .his suitcase was still strewn all over the house. Every single spare inch of surface area was covered in stuff. Everything. It was jaw dropping... .and saddening at the same time. What do they say about tidy houses/tidy minds?  May I remind you, this is not a student home but that of a 36 year old. Similarly, when drinking... he gets himself SO drunk... I've seen photos of him passed out in his food (I'm not joking) which he showed me after missing a date with me.  He did at least apologise. And another with drink all over his shirt, and a glazed look in his eye. He told ME to drink less over Christmas. The drinker is him. My friend came to visit me when he wasn't talking to me last  year and actually ended up sitting in close proximity to him in a bar. Her shocked remark to me was that he looked like a tramp... .and he did. My ex is extremely beautiful. And yet this for both his own, and his home's, appearance. I am sure this is an outward sign of his inner turmoil... .cos it ain't normal, that's for sure.  I guess these are the things his charisma make up for.

Oh yes, smartest guy so far. I like smart guys. But he is really smart. I was his smartest girl too. That I pointed something out about his behaviour at work early on annoyed him but when management later on pointed out exactly the same he was baffled, mumbled something about having me as his coach but was also more annoyed at the same time. Lacking in EQ...

Always flirting, sometimes to an embarrassing level, because it makes him feel alive I think and it stirs up at last something in the nether regions. But never taking any of them home of course... A woman that reacts too much to flirting is a wh anyway.

Cannot be alone alone unless in a particular mood. But does go out alone so he is among people and then talks to anybody as he makes friends very easily (magnetism) and has a weird idea about friendship anyway. And his friends are his life too. Although he might have swapped circles now. As long as there is alcohol. Enough that he can fall over. Or that the staff refuses to serve him any longer. They then call him a taxi and he sometimes goes home. Other times he pretends to, goes somewhere they sell South American powder so he can dust the inside of his nose and then he can drink more.

He was gorgeous. Going out with him could be annoying. Always women around commenting on how gorgeous he looked. Part of why everybody believes what he says. Beautiful people can't be the bad guys. But he has ruined his skin now... He might have pulled himself together since Christmas but the skin damage is permanent.

Your werewolf made me laugh  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Do you know the tv licensing ad from the BBC All at once? Always makes me laughs because it's SO BPD in a way Smiling (click to insert in post)  https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=W_fwUmvpAuk

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Stripey77
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« Reply #32 on: April 18, 2016, 04:47:16 PM »

Very! I can't see that happening to me in a million years, things are so bad now.

Although of course, the same person who walked out on me mid conversation telling me the decision was made and that I should forget him, was telling me weeks later that he didn't deserve me because of how he'd treated me,  as I say. Anything is possible. The one thing that is utterly predictable about our situations is that they are unpredictable.

I can't believe that anyone could actually maintain this level of 'hatred' for ever but perhaps he can. I haven't seen him do this to this extent to anyone else, so it's hard to know what to think. Other than I must have really meant something to him.

I did know when he was building up to tell me for the first time that he loved me... .the week before he had a strange look on his face and he was very, very quiet. He couldn't stop kissing me. I kept thinking, he is either going to tell me he loves me, or break up with me.  I actually thought at several points that he was going to cry. There had been an incident between me, him and his friends, but I'll save that for another day. The next weekend, he told me he loved me.

On another occasion, I gave him a gift I had entirely hand crafted and customised for him. Again, I actually thought for a second he was going to cry. He didn't but he was clearly overwhelmed. There are most definitely feelings there, that's for sure.  :'(
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #33 on: April 18, 2016, 04:51:00 PM »

You're welcome, stripey. I just take it as if I wasn't able to get under my exes skin like that, then she obviously never cared at all about me. They always say the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. My ex refuses to ever own up to anything she did to MY face, but her blog she called herself an 'f' up and took the blame for our break-up. Isn't that interesting?

True.

Sometimes those little things make me doubt the BPD. Like writing about me on his blog in December while the last time we ever spoke on a personal level was in May and we broke up round about now. 8 months later. He hasn't seen me since July. Out of sight should be out of mind. But for him apparently not. Granted a lot of crap happened inbetween that might have made him focus anger on me that had nothing to do with me. But still. Plus he added this tearjerker song about a lover that wants too much. Drama queen.

Also he never cried, begged, said he was sorry, threatened to hurt himself or any of those BPD traits. The rest fits like a glove though.
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5tarla
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« Reply #34 on: April 18, 2016, 04:55:48 PM »

You're welcome, stripey. I just take it as if I wasn't able to get under my exes skin like that, then she obviously never cared at all about me. They always say the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. My ex refuses to ever own up to anything she did to MY face, but her blog she called herself an 'f' up and took the blame for our break-up. Isn't that interesting?

True.

Sometimes those little things make me doubt the BPD. Like writing about me on his blog in December while the last time we ever spoke on a personal level was in May and we broke up round about now. 8 months later. He hasn't seen me since July. Out of sight should be out of mind. But for him apparently not. Granted a lot of crap happened inbetween that might have made him focus anger on me that had nothing to do with me. But still. Plus he added this tearjerker song about a lover that wants too much. Drama queen.

Also he never cried, begged, said he was sorry, threatened to hurt himself or any of those BPD traits. The rest fits like a glove though.

Tbh, I frequent the other forums about BPD and the one for people with BPD and they very rarely talk about doing those things you listed? I think it has a lot to do with if in their eyes you have made a slight against them, so of course if we have - as in our exes eyes we have - they won't beg for us back, cry, or anything. It also depends I think as well on if they have a replacement lined up already on how they respond to it. My ex is very much a quiet borderline, but I think she is somewhat self aware that she isn't like nons, and also she has learned to internalize her anger when it comes to relationships. When I confronted her I guess I ripped the band aid off of decade old wounds and she took it all out on me.
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Stripey77
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« Reply #35 on: April 18, 2016, 05:18:17 PM »

I think the point is, as with all mental/emotional disorders, there is a spectrum, isn't there? I understand that there are low functioning BPDs who wouldn't be able to hide it from anyone - in no way would mine fit into that category. If I described everything I've told all of you to some our mutual friends, I wonder if they would even recognise the person I am talking about. I am totally sure that the new best friend is utterly oblivious - all she thinks is that she met a knight in shining armour who happens to party too much. Bizarre if you ask me that she never questioned the amount of effort he went to for her, a person he had literally just befriended, but maybe she was in great need of that friendship at the time and was just grateful for the kindness. When I met my ex, I was healing from a previous (normal) breakup which had truly broken my heart, albeit in a totally different way. THAT ex and I are still very much friends, there was no animosity just profound sadness. I sometimes think that I was ripe for the plucking... .in need of love, physical affection and affirmation... .and hey presto, along it came x 100.  But I highly doubt that those other friends and acquaintances could possibly know what really lies beneath. He is a kind friend who 'does' for people - he did for me. But they are not close to him on the level I was, so they were fortunate to not have been exposed to the truth.  I am really very jealous of the new friend, because she gets all the very best qualities of him, his time and his friendship, and because they are friends, she won't get exposed to the other side. He values his friendships too much. So in essence, she is his girlfriend, without being his girlfriend, and gets to spend all that quality time with him with none of the drama. It sucks and it really f*cking hurts.

In no way does he 'tick the box' for all of the listed BPD traits, no way. Nonetheless, I am quite sure that that is what's at play here, for all the reasons I've told you. Sometimes the behaviour has been so off the wall, it's been stupefying. But it's only lucky me who's been party to it.

But I did once read something about BPDs 'disconnecting' sometimes and almost stepping outside of themselves. Once,  I called him out on a disagreement.  I said to him that I was beginning to feel as if he was totally unable to ever take responsibility for anything or say sorry, and that it was always me who had to take the 'blame' every time.  Of course you can take it as a given that he was drinking, but not drunk, and he flared up to that statement immediately, saying that if that's what I thought, I didn't know him at all. He stomped off into the bedroom. When I followed him in, he was sitting on the bed, staring intently into the middle distance, obviously not pleased and as if a bit of a red mist had come over him. It has not escaped me by the way, how melodramatic he is - another common theme amongst us all it seems. I think they thrive on it and need it as validation that we care. Anyway, I sat in there and waited, obviously on a back foot and staggered by his response... .like that of a small child (here we go again) It was deeply unsettling.  And then, just as suddenly as it had erupted, the mood lifted in a matter on minutes. He was 'back in the room' albeit with a slightly odd smile on his face. The whole thing had just gone like a puff of smoke. Where the heck had he gone in those moments? It really was quite, quite bizarre.

Bibi - spot on with the BBC link, yes.
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5tarla
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« Reply #36 on: April 18, 2016, 05:52:58 PM »

I think the point is, as with all mental/emotional disorders, there is a spectrum, isn't there? I understand that there are low functioning BPDs who wouldn't be able to hide it from anyone - in no way would mine fit into that category. If I described everything I've told all of you to some our mutual friends, I wonder if they would even recognise the person I am talking about. I am totally sure that the new best friend is utterly oblivious - all she thinks is that she met a knight in shining armour who happens to party too much. Bizarre if you ask me that she never questioned the amount of effort he went to for her, a person he had literally just befriended, but maybe she was in great need of that friendship at the time and was just grateful for the kindness. When I met my ex, I was healing from a previous (normal) breakup which had truly broken my heart, albeit in a totally different way. THAT ex and I are still very much friends, there was no animosity just profound sadness. I sometimes think that I was ripe for the plucking... .in need of love, physical affection and affirmation... .and hey presto, along it came x 100.  But I highly doubt that those other friends and acquaintances could possibly know what really lies beneath. He is a kind friend who 'does' for people - he did for me. But they are not close to him on the level I was, so they were fortunate to not have been exposed to the truth.  I am really very jealous of the new friend, because she gets all the very best qualities of him, his time and his friendship, and because they are friends, she won't get exposed to the other side. He values his friendships too much. So in essence, she is his girlfriend, without being his girlfriend, and gets to spend all that quality time with him with none of the drama. It sucks and it really f*cking hurts.

In no way does he 'tick the box' for all of the listed BPD traits, no way. Nonetheless, I am quite sure that that is what's at play here, for all the reasons I've told you. Sometimes the behaviour has been so off the wall, it's been stupefying. But it's only lucky me who's been party to it.

But I did once read something about BPDs 'disconnecting' sometimes and almost stepping outside of themselves. Once,  I called him out on a disagreement.  I said to him that I was beginning to feel as if he was totally unable to ever take responsibility for anything or say sorry, and that it was always me who had to take the 'blame' every time.  Of course you can take it as a given that he was drinking, but not drunk, and he flared up to that statement immediately, saying that if that's what I thought, I didn't know him at all. He stomped off into the bedroom. When I followed him in, he was sitting on the bed, staring intently into the middle distance, obviously not pleased and as if a bit of a red mist had come over him. It has not escaped me by the way, how melodramatic he is - another common theme amongst us all it seems. I think they thrive on it and need it as validation that we care. Anyway, I sat in there and waited, obviously on a back foot and staggered by his response... .like that of a small child (here we go again) It was deeply unsettling.  And then, just as suddenly as it had erupted, the mood lifted in a matter on minutes. He was 'back in the room' albeit with a slightly odd smile on his face. The whole thing had just gone like a puff of smoke. Where the heck had he gone in those moments? It really was quite, quite bizarre.

Bibi - spot on with the BBC link, yes.

It's crazy how similar our experiences are. When my ex would do things to cross boundaries or wrong me, she would get upset at me and I would be the one trying to fix things between us. But she would never own up to anything, or apologize. She would shut down or give me the silent treatment.
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5tarla
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« Reply #37 on: April 18, 2016, 05:54:41 PM »

Also, an interesting thing I may have read from a person with BPD is when people with BPD feel angry or sad, they are in that moment angry or upset about everything they have ever been angry about in life. I'm not sure how true it is, but it would seem so.
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semantics

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« Reply #38 on: April 18, 2016, 09:40:48 PM »

Semantics - if you want to tell us please do. Everything I have said makes my story completely identifiable, but I think the chances of him being on here reading this are zero.  I'm sure the same must apply to you?

I'm not sure it does. He graduated during our time together with a Masters in Psychology and a license to practice therapy in the state where he lives -- and new self-identification as BPD. I asked him a few times if he was joking about this label and he said definitely not.

He is of a sort that will research boards like this for any clue how to properly behave -- to those he wants or feels he needs to impress. It's how we met during our respective divorces, on a support board online. I know he is likely still engaged with at least four support communities of various types. With fans there as many women and men love his style of writing and heart expression. That charisma spoken of here comes across online too; that's how I fell for him, months before ever hearing his actual voice or seeing him living and breathing right in front of me.

He is also of a sort that uses all his knowledge against someone. For the last year and a half of our relationship he insisted I was HPD. Now that he has the Masters and therapist license, he "diagnoses" anyone who crosses him.

If the new woman does, what if he winds up here, looking for details to haul off against her?

I don't care what happens to her. My story, though, is about how I betrayed him by exposing him for what he did, finally, last summer. I can't tell time anymore but I think it was only two weeks ago that he said I cannot be trusted; that I betrayed him. He hates that I ever spoke of his exploits to anyone -- friends, therapists, a recovery group.

I'm scared that by telling it here -- even though I've already said plenty, and in less than 24 hours of arriving -- will someday just be the final end.

Because to be honest, I still want him back, even disordered, and I have a feeling we just have not reached the final end. Even if he marries the person he replaced me with, I just don't think there even is an end, at all.



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Stripey77
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« Reply #39 on: April 19, 2016, 04:59:49 AM »

Hi Semantics;


Wow, that's quite a story! That's a whole new twist to the tale there... .poor you. Still, even if he WERE on here and 'recognised' himself... .and what? What right would he have to be angry about it? You've sought support because of what he's done to you. In his most lucid moments, he would have to recognise that that meant he'd hurt you. He must also know deep down, because they are not otherwise insane, these people, that the issue IS him. He can't remonstrate with you.

I know exactly what you mean about it not being over. I can't quite believe this is really 'it' either, and I don't want it to be. I don't mean I harbour fantasies of us getting back together, for one thing, I wouldn't do that even though I miss him so very much, because he has proved himself to be so controlling, and failed to control me - hence why we are where we are now. But it doesn't feel like this is The End. It feels unreal to think I will never speak to him again. Even when I look at photos of him out drinking like a fish, I think... .but are you really happy though? I think not, deep down. I honestly don't think for 1 second that when he stood there ranting at me on Christmas morning that he thought I'd walk out.  It must have been a real shock... .I expect he was planning on flouncing out on me, so I turned the tables for once before he could.  So his consequent reaction of ghosting me now a knee jerk reaction to that... .but how long can he really maintain it?

You talk about questioning if there is ever really an end; that's funny, that's almost exactly the thought I had when he stood there going on and on and at me. I almost 'stepped outside' of myself and as he went on, and I just replied with calm and clear answers, batting off his accusations,

a little voice inside me said ... .wow. This is never, ever going to end, is it? It's just not. Remember, he had already told me when he broke up with me the 2nd time that it was 'for the best' that we didn't talk. Then, when I dared to talk to his friends, he deleted me on everything. Yet he saw fit to accost me in a bar when I wasn't going anywhere near him, didn't even know he was even there, to tell me in at length how I was being deleted from his life. Now, are those the actions of someone with whom it is really The End? Because if I was going to cut someone off, I most certainly wouldn't be up in their face telling them about it. Maybe that's just me. I just remember the full realisation of what I was dealing with ... and watching the mask truly falling off at this point. My heart sank not because I didn't want him to talk to me,  but because I was so saddened by what he was saying. He really did try to blame me for the consequences of his own actions. Even when I said, ":)o you know, I sat on the beach yesterday and cried my eyes out. My heart is broken. Do you understand that?" He simply dismissed it by saying that although it was his mistake, getting back together was that - a mistake. Absolutely no recognition of the hurt he'd caused at all, because he was so wrapped up in telling me how much I'd disappointed/angered him. Talk about projection.

He hasn't spoken to me for 4 months.  But time almost seems immaterial. He cut me off last year ('decision is made' and pretended he couldn't even see me on nights out, etc. to the absolute disgust of my friends. Then 6-7 weeks after breaking up with me spectacularly by text, after walking out on me in the bar, there he was in the exact same spot, blowing me a kiss, nudging me at the bar, and striking up an hour and a half conversation with me telling me all about what he'd been up to and how he realised he'd lost something important. In the intervening time, someone had passed on a goodbye letter, and a gift I'd had for him, on my behalf because I didn't want to bother him. We'd been split up almost 2 months. He talked to me as if he'd never even had a cross word with me. So, so surreal. I still didn't know what I was dealing with even then. When he went AWOL on me for 3 weeks after that meeting, I fell apart big time. Until the next time he approached me and got back together with me. Time with these people almost doesn't seem linear, but cyclical.  Groundhog Day anyone?

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to tell time anymore. I wake up every morning and the first thing I think about is the time he stayed here at my new place. I have a picture of him asleep in my bed. It feels like a dream... .but it definitely happened. Even though it was 5 months ago, it feels like yesterday.

Of course I don't want it to be The End, I fully understand why you say that and it resonates with me. Every single person I know, to a man, on hearing my story, has said to me, he will talk to you again. He will. The thing is, right now, I spend every day wondering that will be. It might NOT ever be, and I tell myself that. History suggests otherwise, but I have to steel myself.  I want it so much, just to take some of my pain away. I don't want him to be my enemy. I was more in love with him than with anyone I've ever known, and the pain of him painting me black is horrific. I've just learned to live with it.  Others outside of this just see an ex boyfriend behaving like an a-hole. We all know it goes far deeper than that.

And yet, there is he is... .on my Skype. On my Whatsapp. With my things still in his house. Hanging out all the time with his new best female friend. Drinking his own bodyweight in beer. Pretending I'm dead.

It's funny, I've tried to tell myself that this IS the end of all contact, and just get used to it... .that I must accept my fate, and that he doesn't want to know me anymore. I still absolutely love the man I was with. The person I see in photos is almost alien to me. Another voice in my end, based on all I've just written here, doesn't really believe it, deep down. I really, really do yearn for him to talk to me again. Just to say hello and give me a hug. But I can't make that happen. I wish there was a wand to make them split you white again, but he really was so very angry with me, I think. That's why when I caught him looking at me, I was so shocked to see not anger on his face, but a kind of embarrassed smirk. I don't get it at ALL.  It really does feel as though he's holding his breath to see how long he can do it before I'll break. But what he didn't vouch for I suppose, was me holding mine too.




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Stripey77
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« Reply #40 on: April 19, 2016, 05:02:20 AM »

BTW 2 things have jumped out at me that you folks have said on this thread:

"I'll be painted black until I'm not"

and "he hasn't deleted you, he's using you as a canvas to project his emotions"...

Both of these statements to me, make the supposition that for all of us, this being painted black IS temporary. It might last months, maybe even years, but that it is temporary. 

Am I reading this correctly? Is that how you all see it?

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« Reply #41 on: April 19, 2016, 08:14:30 AM »

I have also been painted black. After my ex broke it off without warning she projected everything on me. I ran after her, I started up with her again, I was the one who needed a therapist, I was the one who needed meds and the list goes on. My ex wanted to remain friends after the 2nd time she put me thru hell. I said no way . This was over and a person who cared for the other weather it was friends lovers whatever would never do what she did . She was fine with all that. Not a care in the world. Didn't block me on any social media ... .yet. I had asked her to send me back a few things I had given her. A teddy bear etc. . Never sent them back and never answered my request. Weeks later I sent her a message on FB about sending me back the stuff I sent her yet again and now she said she got rid of the stuffed animals and gave them to her local shelter. I don't know if I believe it but after that convo I had she 2 days later blocked me. This was the beginning of October. As of now I am still blocked. I feel each person with BPD is different. Maybe one will paint u black after a few days or week. Maybe they will never unblock you . Mine ... .Will never ever unblock me . I feel I will be painted black forever.
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« Reply #42 on: April 19, 2016, 08:30:49 AM »

Stripey,

I can sense your yearning for a different ending to your relationship so here are several things to consider as you move forward (perhaps blunt and not all that pleasant to hear but that's what these boards are all about):

---Don't get hung up on "malignant hope".  A board member in the past coined this phrase and it has stuck with me since.  Although you truly would like to reconnect prepare yourself emotionally for the worst case in the event it doesn't happen.

---Try to wean yourself from social media.  FB and other sites are the perfect platform for anyone (and especially pwBPD) to project the image that they want the world to see (when's the last time you saw someone post that their son flunked Chemistry?).  I've avoided my ex's FB since the end of the year and it has helped me immensely in detaching and becoming indifferent.

---Remember the adage "pwBPd are consistently inconsistent". Logic does not apply to these relationships and only leads to frustration on our part.  Trying to identify with their mindset would be like trying to learn overnight to become left-handed if you are right-handed as their thought process is so unlike ours.

---Believe actions not words.  It doesn't matter what is said since what is done is what counts.

These are all points that I've used in the past 3 1/2 months to help focus on what I can control---myself.

LF
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« Reply #43 on: April 19, 2016, 08:41:43 AM »

Stripey,

I can sense your yearning for a different ending to your relationship so here are several things to consider as you move forward (perhaps blunt and not all that pleasant to hear but that's what these boards are all about):

---Don't get hung up on "malignant hope".  A board member in the past coined this phrase and it has stuck with me since.  Although you truly would like to reconnect prepare yourself emotionally for the worst case in the event it doesn't happen.

---Try to wean yourself from social media.  FB and other sites are the perfect platform for anyone (and especially pwBPD) to project the image that they want the world to see (when's the last time you saw someone post that their son flunked Chemistry?).  I've avoided my ex's FB since the end of the year and it has helped me immensely in detaching and becoming indifferent.

---Remember the adage "pwBPd are consistently inconsistent". Logic does not apply to these relationships and only leads to frustration on our part.  Trying to identify with their mindset would be like trying to learn overnight to become left-handed if you are right-handed as their thought process is so unlike ours.

---Believe actions not words.  It doesn't matter what is said since what is done is what counts.

These are all points that I've used in the past 3 1/2 months to help focus on what I can control---myself.

LF

Well said LF! And so very very true! I had no idea how screwed up and an emotional wreck my ex was until we became involved again. Her FB page was always positive! Hanging out with friends . Taking selfies! In other words her life was Great! Behind all that facade on Facebook was a mentally ill broken woman who would cry in her bathtub so her neighbors would not hear her. Paranoid beyond belief and the list goes on. So you are right! FB is an Illusion! A great magic trick! A Facade! Nothing more!
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« Reply #44 on: April 19, 2016, 08:59:59 AM »

Hi

Thanks, LF. Good pointers, although of course, as I am blocked on social media, that doesn't really play into it too much. I can't see his page. Yes, there are pictures of him on the page of the female friend, but strangely, it doesn't hurt me to see them. Guess what, he's drunk in most of them. To be totally honest, I never really looked at his FB page when we were together, or when we split up and he hadn't blocked me. It's full of football and his chosen (scary) music. So it wasn't a great loss. I can still see some of his other social media, and all that shows me is that he's drinking more than ever. I feel sad when I see it because I know this means something is even more wrong inside. He revels in his 'alcoholic' past time but to me it points to a downward spiral. Why, I don't know. But point taken.

I have resigned myself to the fact that he may never talk to me again. That is how I approach each day, and I have to. He is most certainly holding out. All I would counter that with is that 1) He has stopped talking to me before, although granted, this is a whole new level. 2) He has stopped talking to others before and even actively avoided them, only to be photographed with them months later... .although they weren't painted black and 3) the net is truly getting smaller, and smaller, by the day. The more established I become here, the more people I meet and the more I get out and about, the more our circles overlap. People I know know him, are now befriending me entirely in my own right. They want to be around me because... .well, I'm a nice person? In the much longer run, I do think he is going to end up looking like someone with a malicious little vendetta. Which he is.  Of course, I have no idea whether the silence and cutting off is to punish me, because he's angry, because he's hurt, or what. Impossible to say. But if it's a punishment, you would think he'd be hoping to gauge a reaction from me... .an apology or remorse, or begging. I've given none. He told me he was deleting me from his life, and I pretty much said... .ok.  Because I'm not dancing to his tune.

Inconsistency certainly is the key with BPD... .

And as for words... .well... .that's right, I am trying not to cling on to all the horrible childish accusations he lobbed at me last time we spoke. He was scrabbling around for more and more things to tear me down with. His actions since then have been to pretend I don't exist. But I see him looking at me.   The words were just someone lashing out. I'm not clinging on to all the nice things he said, at least not any more than the horrible ones.  They both warrant being ignored, or remembered, in equal measure. I think the danger is if we only choose to remember the nice things they said.

Thank you

P.S. Yes I absolutely do wish for a different ending. I didn't deserve this.
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« Reply #45 on: April 19, 2016, 09:03:26 AM »

In fact, thinking about it, when he went on and on and on at me on Christmas day, and I let him for a good 30-40 minutes... .I am sure I was supposed to react in some way. When he told me his deleting me news, it was all so dramatic. After physically stopping me from accepting a drink from someone he knew, he launched into a tirade. Not shouting, just going on and on relentlessly. If I had to put a finger on it, it was almost like he was disappointed in me. Maybe he was. I'm not saying I didn't make any mistakes ever, but the tirade was endless. I am sure there was supposed to be a reaction from me. I'm pretty sure that reaction wasn't supposed to be saying "ok" and walking out. 


Also... .I am sorry to reiterate this point again, and I know there is no applying logic in these scenarios... .but let's say he has decided that he never wants to talk to me again. That I truly am deleted from his life. Why leave any channels of communication open at all? Yet he has.
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« Reply #46 on: April 19, 2016, 09:12:03 AM »

Confused... .don't bet on it. Haven't you seen other posts on these boards where people have found themselves suddenly unblocked after 8 months? Or their ex on their doorstep after having been painted black for months... .many months.

The point is, just about anything is possible with them. That's the truth of it.
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« Reply #47 on: April 19, 2016, 09:34:18 AM »

Confused... .don't bet on it. Haven't you seen other posts on these boards where people have found themselves suddenly unblocked after 8 months? Or their ex on their doorstep after having been painted black for months... .many months.

The point is, just about anything is possible with them. That's the truth of it.

Stripey77 yes I have read where these ppl do come back after weeks months years. And some don't!  It really depends on the person as each BPD is different. Mine was my 1st love as teens. My ex was believe it or not Normal at that time. 1987. My mom broke us up threatened my ex and lied to her telling her I was dating another person and it was not true. When I tried getting her back she became this Monster she is now. A person I don't know anymore. Fast forward to 2013 Feb. she found me on FB. Sent me the friends request I stupidly accepted it. Then she right away wanted to talk about us and I shot her down.  I remember how much pain I went thru with her after I tried getting her back. I held her off without wanting to talk about our past up until last June. My ex would always send me PMs thru FB. So we ended up talking last June about us and she claimed she still loved me. Wanted me back after all these years. All the BS. Then came push pull. I want u I don't. Horrendous lies. Manipulation. Mind games all the crap that goes with BPD. Then Sept she ended it thru an email. Painted me black and that's it. Found out thru my own reaserch about BPD and her actions and here I am. So yes my ex did come back to me after 26 years. Waited patiently for me to take her bait for 2 1/2 years while friends on FB. And $crewed me over again. The same as teens. She has not changed one bit. Even the way she does things still the same. So yea some do come back and some don't. I just feel my ex got whatever she wanted from me and I will never hear from her again. Can I be wrong ... Maybe. But I don't think I am. It really is just a shame they are so sick and push the ones that do really love them away.
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« Reply #48 on: April 19, 2016, 10:16:08 AM »

In fact, thinking about it, when he went on and on and on at me on Christmas day, and I let him for a good 30-40 minutes... .I am sure I was supposed to react in some way. When he told me his deleting me news, it was all so dramatic. After physically stopping me from accepting a drink from someone he knew, he launched into a tirade. Not shouting, just going on and on relentlessly. If I had to put a finger on it, it was almost like he was disappointed in me. Maybe he was. I'm not saying I didn't make any mistakes ever, but the tirade was endless. I am sure there was supposed to be a reaction from me. I'm pretty sure that reaction wasn't supposed to be saying "ok" and walking out. 

Of course it wasn't. You abandoned him. You played right into that core fear. You triggered the feelings he tries to avoid. The ones that are so deep so intense he feels he will die.

As I now see I did too with my ex. Twice. Once by walking out and once by saying after his attempt at a recycle went sour I didn't want him back. Not that I see I had any choice; I had to protect myself so I had to walk away and I hadn't connected the BPD dots yet. And even if I had I would have had the tools to handle it better. Probably still don't.

Excerpt
Also... .I am sorry to reiterate this point again, and I know there is no applying logic in these scenarios... .but let's say he has decided that he never wants to talk to me again. That I truly am deleted from his life. Why leave any channels of communication open at all? Yet he has.

So has mine. He has tried to destroy me. And yet he has not deleted or blocked me on Whatsapp or LinkedIn. I cannot look inside his mind. So I don't know why. He probably couldn't even explain why. But I'm 99% sure he will never contact me.

My name, my presence, my existence has become synonymous with pain.

That's why I don't understand the LinkedIn invite from his sister. Maybe she wants to make it clear to him she is her own independent person. Knowing how he feels about her he will feel utterly betrayed by her for inviting me if this is the case. Or she has never seen him so hung up on someone and has waited for him to have another job to get into a calmer mood and then wants to build a bridge between us. But he will always be unreliable. A misanthrope. An alcoholic. A pwBPD. And I deserve more.

And so do you.

I know it hurts so so bad. I know part of you wants a different ending. Part of me still wants a different ending too but at the same time I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness for him.

Focus on you. You so longed to be loved when you met him and IMO that's why you met him.

You are kind, attractive, social and fun. Spend time with friends being just that. Heal from him. Everybody wants to be loved, it's human, it's normal, it's natural. But if we want it too much we wind up with the wrong people.

The right one is out there for you. It just isn't him.
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« Reply #49 on: April 19, 2016, 10:49:00 AM »

Thanks Bibi, I know, I tell myself that.  Thanks for your words of wisdom.

I suspect that night, he was (yet again) going to walk out and leave me standing my own in the bar. It would have been the 3rd time. I actually totally shocked myself doing that and turning the tables on him but I seriously don't see what choice I had. He just wasn't letting up. OR he wanted me to fall on my knees and beg forgiveness for talking to his friends, for having a drink and falling over (there is a very uneven carpark outside the bar; nearly every one of us has fallen over on a night out on it at some point) and cutting my knee open. "You're 38! 38!" He kept repeating at me. Conveniently forgetting that his new friend who he had been running around after had broken her leg in almost the exact same spot. The hypocrisy is unreal. She's allowed to break her leg, but I'm an immature drunkard for cutting my knee. Says the man who has fallen asleep in his food after a drink -in the daytime I might add.  When he flew at me out of a dark corner in the bar, to say I was unprepared is an understatement  - I didn't even know he was there. His 'friend' (acquaintance) was standing on the other side of me and would you believe, trying to touch me up as all this was going on, because he was smashed and didn't realise the seriousness of the conversation. I had to push him off, and I wish I'd said to my ex, can you see where your 'friends' hands are? I was being attacked for this guy even passing me a drink on xmas eve as part of a larger group. It is nuts. Nuts! I said to him are you actually serious? How old are you?  And I even managed to say to him, very calmly, I will talk to whomever I please. I do what I want. I couldn't actually believe what I was hearing.

My point in all this is this is. if you've deleted someone and are indifferent to them... .why did he care that I cut my knee open? What concern is it of his whether I had broken both legs and my neck? He had already broken up with me at that point. Why stop me to tell me I've been deleted? What I can't work out is what he was expecting me to do? Stand there and let him rant at me forever and ever? Or until he flounced out?  I just don't get it. One thing's for sure, he loves the drama.

Despite knowing he can't give me what I need and deserve, I still miss my friend, very very much. I have never connected so much with someone at every level and can't help but think that must be true for him, at least in part. Even if you took out the physical side of our relationship... .I miss my friend, and that is the bottom line.  

Yet again, it sounds as if you and I have had very similar experiences. There comes a point when we have to protect ourselves, you are quite right. That's why I stopped trying to communicate when he's given me the silent treatment, and have just mirrored it.

But even you are '99%' sure he will never contact you again. The point is, as I said earlier... .we just don't know. Look what I just told you about my (non BPD) ex who had the breakdown. Six YEARS later he wants to make amends and take responsibility. It's human nature. Eventually, eventually, conscience kicks in. Unless someone is a sociopath or truly evil, they have a conscience. BPDs are human beings and subject to human nature and desires. Eventually, that little voice can't be ignored any more. And in my (non) ex's case, probably realised all these years later than he threw away the best thing he ever had. Regret is a b*tch. We're not solitary by nature, and the desire to come back into the fold eventually prevails. We don't want to stand outside in the cold forever. I am sure this even applies to BPD... .especially the more highly functioning ones. Think about my playground bully analogy again. What happens when actually his 'gang' decides they want to play with the other kids and cross back over to the 'other side' again? We all saw it happen at school. And the instigator is left standing alone. What choice do they have but to join back in... .or be alone?  All I can do is watch this space I guess. I'm not revolving my life around it, i just hope it happens one day.  


PS - you have talked about my ex feeling shame. That, I really don't know about. All he has ever done is tell me things are my fault. Until the first time he came back to me and said he didn't deserve me because of how he'd treated me. He said he couldn't wear the t shirt I gave him because he didn't deserve a present. Hard to say how sincere he was being but it was amazing to hear.  Yes you are right I HAVE seen him with the mask off and I suspect that's why I've been pushed away so hard now. But I don't think I've ever seen an ounce of shame. Who knows.
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« Reply #50 on: April 19, 2016, 11:14:29 AM »

Thanks Bibi, I know, I tell myself that.  Thanks for your words of wisdom.

I suspect that night, he was (yet again) going to walk out and leave me standing my own in the bar. It would have been the 3rd time. I actually totally shocked myself doing that and turning the tables on him but I seriously don't see what choice I had. He just wasn't letting up. OR he wanted me to fall on my knees and beg forgiveness for talking to his friends, for having a drink and falling over (there is a very uneven carpark outside the bar; nearly every one of us has fallen over on a night out on it at some point) and cutting my knee open. "You're 38! 38!" He kept repeating at me. Conveniently forgetting that his new friend who he had been running around after had broken her leg in almost the exact same spot. The hypocrisy is unreal. She's allowed to break her leg, but I'm an immature drunkard for cutting my knee. Says the man who has fallen asleep in his food after a drink -in the daytime I might add.  When he flew at me out of a dark corner in the bar, to say I was unprepared is an understatement  - I didn't even know he was there. His 'friend' (acquaintance) was standing on the other side of me and would you believe, trying to touch me up as all this was going on, because he was smashed and didn't realise the seriousness of the conversation. I had to push him off, and I wish I'd said to my ex, can you see where your 'friends' hands are? I was being attacked for this guy even passing me a drink on xmas eve as part of a larger group. It is nuts. Nuts! I said to him are you actually serious? How old are you?  And I even managed to say to him, very calmly, I will talk to whomever I please. I do what I want. I couldn't actually believe what I was hearing.

My point in all this is this is. if you've deleted someone and are indifferent to them... .why did he care that I cut my knee open? What concern is it of his whether I had broken both legs and my neck? He had already broken up with me at that point. Why stop me to tell me I've been deleted? What I can't work out is what he was expecting me to do? Stand there and let him rant at me forever and ever? Or until he flounced out?  I just don't get it. One thing's for sure, he loves the drama.

Despite knowing he can't give me what I need and deserve, I still miss my friend, very very much. I have never connected so much with someone at every level and can't help but think that must be true for him, at least in part. Even if you took out the physical side of our relationship... .I miss my friend, and that is the bottom line.  

Yet again, it sounds as if you and I have had very similar experiences. There comes a point when we have to protect ourselves, you are quite right. That's why I stopped trying to communicate when he's given me the silent treatment, and have just mirrored it.

But even you are '99%' sure he will never contact you again. The point is, as I said earlier... .we just don't know. Look what I just told you about my (non BPD) ex who had the breakdown. Six YEARS later he wants to make amends and take responsibility. It's human nature. Eventually, eventually, conscience kicks in. Unless someone is a sociopath or truly evil, they have a conscience. BPDs are human beings and subject to human nature and desires. Eventually, that little voice can't be ignored any more. And in my (non) ex's case, probably realised all these years later than he threw away the best thing he ever had. Regret is a b*tch. We're not solitary by nature, and the desire to come back into the fold eventually prevails. We don't want to stand outside in the cold forever. I am sure this even applies to BPD... .especially the more highly functioning ones. Think about my playground bully analogy again. What happens when actually his 'gang' decides they want to play with the other kids and cross back over to the 'other side' again? We all saw it happen at school. And the instigator is left standing alone. What choice do they have but to join back in... .or be alone?  All I can do is watch this space I guess. I'm not revolving my life around it, i just hope it happens one day.  


PS - you have talked about my ex feeling shame. That, I really don't know about. All he has ever done is tell me things are my fault. Until the first time he came back to me and said he didn't deserve me because of how he'd treated me. He said he couldn't wear the t shirt I gave him because he didn't deserve a present. Hard to say how sincere he was being but it was amazing to hear.  Yes you are right I HAVE seen him with the mask off and I suspect that's why I've been pushed away so hard now. But I don't think I've ever seen an ounce of shame. Who knows.

Your ex has a double standard as does mine.

My ex would hit on another girl to punish me and expect me understand why and take it. But when a guy came on to me without me doing anything to provoke this, he became so afraid I would be cheating on him somewhere down the line he actually went into a dissociative state right then and there. He froze. On the spot. Blank face. Unable to move. I understood something just happened that frightened him out of his wits even if I hadn't connected the BPD dots and tried to reassure him by very clearly telling the guy I wasn't interested and he should p off. It didn't do any good as my ex later hissed at me with a distorted face full of hate.

A respectable woman does not attract men. A respectable woman does not get drinks from men. A respectable woman does not get intoxicated. That is betrayal, it is cheating, it is naff, you and I were in their eyes basically no more than ladies that keep standing in life by lying down.

A man however can get slamming drunk and hit on anything with a pulse to prove his masculinity. Granted playing into this is not only a double standard but my ex's cultural background. Where I am allowed to be an independent working woman as long as I earn less than him and stay home while he hits the town at night.

Why he ranted at you? He was hurt. He felt betrayed, he felt hurt so much it was unbearable so to relieve the pain he lashed out and hurt you. He wanted to hurt you. And you were supposed to take it and understand why.

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« Reply #51 on: April 19, 2016, 11:32:07 AM »

Wow... .that is awful! To be totally honest, I don't think me getting tipsy, or even attracting men, would be the issue at all. Funnily enough, my ex is from a different culture to mine as well, and yes, it is a patriarchal one. (Still European) But he is no misogynist, he totally enjoys the company of women, his best friend is a woman and I know he is more than happy to drink himself senseless with female friends. He told me he was proud of me when I drank beers with him matching him 1-1. He is a big drinker full stop. So I don't think it's that but where you are spot on is of course, that he has double standards. That's for sure.  You could be right, maybe those things are fine for a friend to do, but not a GF. Although I was actually his ex, as he had just broken up with me again anyway. So I am back to the question, really, what business of his was it? I think it's more that it frightened the life out of him the he was away out of the country, and his new friends befriended me and we put our heads together.

It must have freaked him out when he woke up and saw that on FB the next day, as she took photos and posted them  Smiling (click to insert in post)

This was a quest to wrench back control. The thing is you can't control another human being unless they want to be (I don't) but most especially someone you've left! LOL! I mean really, I can talk to anyone I want. Anyone. And telling someone you've deleted them after you've already told them it's better you don't speak anyway ... .isn't that shutting the gate after the horse has bolted somewhat?  I mean, what difference does it make if he wasn't going to talk to me? The implication there is loud and clear to me: he had every intention of talking to me again at some point in the future, happy to be FB friends etc. and have some kind of part in my life. But because of what I did that night talking to his new friend... .I blew it. I blew my chances of him speaking to me, because I found out things I wasn't ever supposed to know.

Your ex sounds scary. Really scary.
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« Reply #52 on: April 19, 2016, 11:35:39 AM »

Just thought Bibi. My ex is far from stupid. Is yours?  Because there is only one reading to me if you leave someone as a contact on an app or messenger -and it's not an accident.  They want to have the option if one day they should change their mind. There's a separate thread about this where someone said they'd been unblocked but that was it... .and someone said yes so she can 'see' but not 'hear' you. Maybe that's what's happening here.  Mine certainly can't face me, that's why he's unfollowed me on everything. But not quite everything.
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« Reply #53 on: April 19, 2016, 12:02:41 PM »

Just thought Bibi. My ex is far from stupid. Is yours?  Because there is only one reading to me if you leave someone as a contact on an app or messenger -and it's not an accident.  They want to have the option if one day they should change their mind. There's a separate thread about this where someone said they'd been unblocked but that was it... .and someone said yes so she can 'see' but not 'hear' you. Maybe that's what's happening here.  Mine certainly can't face me, that's why he's unfollowed me on everything. But not quite everything.

Ridiculously intelligent.

Loves to be around women by the way (thought I might as well answer the 2 in 1), best friend is one and loves to drink with them. As he did with me. But there are very different limits and rules for HIS woman. He is a misogynist I think. Yes, still a European culture but don't be fooled, there is a MASSIVE difference between European cultures. Even now. Even with younger people. All you need to do is scrape the surface.

I'm guessing my ex is keeping his options open. Which, as BPD does, makes no sense as I am equal to Satan. But hey ho.

And yes of lot of the what the heck just happened stuff is about control. My ex is extremely avoidant but wanted to control me. He kept a lot from me. Prevented me from comparing notes with others. Divide and conquer. Half truths. Whole lies. Things left out.

Perhaps he is scary. I think he has a NPD component mixed in. With the BPD. And the OCD. And the depression. And the substance abuse.
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« Reply #54 on: April 19, 2016, 12:18:31 PM »

Your 'Wtf happened' comment just made me  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) That sums it up about right!

I meant, my ex is European. As am I ... well, British  Smiling (click to insert in post) Whether we're still European remains to be seen after June... .joke. Where we live is a huge melting pot of different cultures, a lot of ex-pat. Many of them are from mine and his but the cultures are not that massively different. We're both Western European. I am aware that there are of course many many other differences across the continent.

They are keeping options open. They are. Otherwise we'd be deleted completely.

I'll 'fess something up here. I 'accidentally' on purpose sent a little sound clip on whatsapp the other day. Yes, yes, I know... .but it's the only 'contact' I've attempted in 4 months, so I think... .not bad going really. Of nothing but background noise, so it sounded like an accidental pocket call. I fully anticipated that I would be blocked on it being received, and wanted to put that to the test. Anyway. I wasn't. Still not. Now come on... .as I said. He's not stupid. Even if he's deleted my number it would show up with my contact details on there and show it as me. So some little, tiny part of him, however deeply buried, wants the option, as you said.

You're equal to Satan?  Smiling (click to insert in post) Join the club. I have have have to keep reminding myself, that as much as I am terrified of his rejection and ignoring me, every time he sees me, he may be feeling as rubbish as I am for all I know. Especially when he's alone and he sees me out in 'his' local area (which is practically mine our places are so close) For all I know he could be massively on a back foot. It's only me who knows that my mouth and legs are tingling. For all he knows, I don't care at all, because that's literally the only appearance I have projected all this time.
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« Reply #55 on: April 19, 2016, 12:52:35 PM »

Your 'Wtf happened' comment just made me  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) That sums it up about right!

I meant, my ex is European. As am I ... well, British  Smiling (click to insert in post) Whether we're still European remains to be seen after June... .joke. Where we live is a huge melting pot of different cultures, a lot of ex-pat. Many of them are from mine and his but the cultures are not that massively different. We're both Western European. I am aware that there are of course many many other differences across the continent.

Lord yes... .Just have a look at the locals around you.

Excerpt
They are keeping options open. They are. Otherwise we'd be deleted completely.

I think I've taught myself enough about Whatsapp to guesstimate he has not deleted my number or anything.

Excerpt
I'll 'fess something up here. I 'accidentally' on purpose sent a little sound clip on whatsapp the other day. Yes, yes, I know... .but it's the only 'contact' I've attempted in 4 months, so I think... .not bad going really. Of nothing but background noise, so it sounded like an accidental pocket call. I fully anticipated that I would be blocked on it being received, and wanted to put that to the test. Anyway. I wasn't. Still not. Now come on... .as I said. He's not stupid. Even if he's deleted my number it would show up with my contact details on there and show it as me. So some little, tiny part of him, however deeply buried, wants the option, as you said.

... .wow... .What was your goal? Did you want him to contact you? Or was it a block test?

Excerpt
You're equal to Satan?  Smiling (click to insert in post) Join the club. I have have have to keep reminding myself, that as much as I am terrified of his rejection and ignoring me, every time he sees me, he may be feeling as rubbish as I am for all I know. Especially when he's alone and he sees me out in 'his' local area (which is practically mine our places are so close) For all I know he could be massively on a back foot. It's only me who knows that my mouth and legs are tingling. For all he knows, I don't care at all, because that's literally the only appearance I have projected all this time.

Yeah... need to file my horns every day... He hasn't heard from me for ever. I have sneakily had email contact with a girl I got along with well that I know he was and is close with. Just that I've been ill but I'm soo positive about everything and about how she was ill and blah blah but we never spoke about him. I know she will speak to him.

He has no clue how I feel right now. If I think about him, pine for him, hate him, or whatever.

Part of why I kept the Whatsapp stuff myself (and perhaps he too at first) is that even though he does not practice anymore he is a lawyer by profession. If there was ever any internal complaint I wanted proof of what happened. I knew I might need it. In that respect he can be scary. I know he took the previous internal complaint against him really far and I just know he and the other party involved (the one I emailed) lied about what happened between them.

Other than that I sense his FOO is scary. I sense his mum is scary.

And a very old friend, perhaps his best I'm not sure. He has stuff on his Instagram that made me instantly go cold. Stuff about cults, the famous American cultleader Charles M. I don't even want to write his name, the book by the German one that killed oh an estimated 17 million people 80 years ago. He is PROPER scary. He NEVER smiles (I see a pattern... .) in short the guy reeks of something ending in path. And they're buddies... .
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« Reply #56 on: April 19, 2016, 01:21:19 PM »



Excerpt
I'll 'fess something up here. I 'accidentally' on purpose sent a little sound clip on whatsapp the other day. Yes, yes, I know... .but it's the only 'contact' I've attempted in 4 months, so I think... .not bad going really. Of nothing but background noise, so it sounded like an accidental pocket call. I fully anticipated that I would be blocked on it being received, and wanted to put that to the test. Anyway. I wasn't. Still not. Now come on... .as I said. He's not stupid. Even if he's deleted my number it would show up with my contact details on there and show it as me. So some little, tiny part of him, however deeply buried, wants the option, as you said.

... .wow... .What was your goal? Did you want him to contact you? Or was it a block test?


Just wanted to see what he'd do, if anything... .

Every single day of my life I want to contact me. I think about him every single day. But I didn't think for a second THAT would make him do it. I was just having a very low day and wanted to see if I'd get blocked.

You can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. That certainly is terrifying stuf re:the friend.

But your ending wasn't quite like mine, was it? I mean you turned him down right? Whereas I got dumped in a club after weeks of limbo because I loved him. After he sought me out for a reconciliation. That in itself is enough to make me want to tear my hair out, never mind the subsequent painting black.

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« Reply #57 on: April 19, 2016, 01:22:42 PM »

A lot of common characteristics in this thread!

My ex is also very intelligent (law degree from a top law school here in the States) and from what I've read pwBPD are generally pretty bright.  Additionally, she also struggles with a drinking problem (one of the first times we were together she outpaced me in the drinking category---and she's very petite  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)).  

Many times pwBPD don't close the door completely as they want to keep all options open (hence their well-refined ghosting and ST behaviors).  They like to keep exes tethered for potential future use.

Stripey, that being said, probably the more important question to ask yourself about any future contact that is initiated by you ex would be---how will you respond?  Keep in mind that if your ex reaches out it will be primarily about his needs at the moment and not yours.

LF
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« Reply #58 on: April 19, 2016, 02:00:07 PM »

Hi Learning Fast  

Yes, there are certainly a lot of common themes!  I set this thread up because it's the painting black I am finding so very, very hard to deal with. The break up and consequent silent treatment was bad enough but that's even worse. I firmly believe that someone in my ex's life taught him at an early age that silent treatment is the way to deal with emotional pain or difficulty. It has got to have been shown to him somewhere... .I read an interesting article about this very topic in general, not to do with BPD but in general.

Anyway I digress. Firstly, yes, lots of intelligent exes. My most by far and away, not just intelligence but where he lit fireworks for me was the shared general knowledge across a very broad range of subjects. And similar interests in language, ancient history, wine, the gym, the same films, all sorts. But we could also go out and party together. Amazing. And no, he wasn't 'mirroring' me this was all genuine. This is why I feel so sad that we have both lost out - we really have. To find this on this tiny island we live in is... .unusual, to say the least. I couldn't believe my luck.

I don't know if anyone saw this on a previous thread but there were many similarities between us... .to the point that, I kid you not, we have the exact same first name, same spelling, everything. Our very first meeting, he exclaimed that it was fate. It certainly felt magical I can tell you.  The meeting of minds, and physical attraction on top made this a powerful package. The most mind blowing of my life. I wouldn't mind betting it took him aback a bit too. I'm not saying we had identical tastes in music etc. as we don't... .but all of a sudden things like that truly didn't matter. As I am sure lots of you will empathise with, I truly thought I had met my husband. My soul mate. I remember him staring into my eyes and I thought... .oh. It's you! You've who I've been waiting for all my life. This is why it hurts so very, very much that he now can't even talk to me.

Anyway. I know he is damaged. He knows he is damaged. My hopes... .IF he would ever contact me, would be to have a friendship. Just a friendship. Or at least be on friendly terms. It's probably a pipe dream because the sexual attraction is way too high. We made a good looking couple. I lost count of the people of all nationalities here who asked us when we were getting married... .commented how in love we looked. How they could see in our eyes how happy we were.  Maybe it's not possible to have a 'friendship' but it is quite possible NOT to be in this place of painful silent hostility.


He is self aware enough to know that he is damaged. The first time he broke his silence and was all over me like a puppy in the bar, in front of all our respective friends, even then, he told me he didn't deserve me. The last time we'd spoken he'd refused to make eye contact with me as I begged him not to leave me and told him how sick I was with grief. I had never heard of BPD at that point. I was in total shock that someone could just drop me in an instant over one tiny, tiny difference of opinion. He told me that night to forget him and hate him, that he didn't want to cheat me, he'd rather be alone than leave me again anyway. There was an attempt to push me away for my own good, I think. But just 3 weeks later he was back talking to me and chatting me up, in the same bar, eyes most definitely on me in a big way, telling me he didn't deserve me. He kissed me in front of all of our friends. Then he disappeared into thin air before getting back together with me a few weeks later.

Would I allow that again? No. I don't think in a million years that is going to happen anyway.  

I just want us to be able to say hello and exchange pleasantries. That is my most realistic goal in an attempt  to mitigate some of the pain. That's it. I know it would be for his benefit if it ever happened, and clearly right now he doesn't need me. He has his new best lady friend so I'm not needed. No responsibilities required of him with her either other than being a good friend, so he's in his element. It would be interesting to see what would happen if she finds a new BF.


Isn't it strange how heavy drinking keeps cropping up again and again and again here? I mean heavy. And he is highly functioning with it.

And... .I don't think all BPD are intelligent, no. It's a spectrum disorder by my understanding. Some are very low functioning and can hardly hide it at all.
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« Reply #59 on: April 19, 2016, 02:14:15 PM »

Sometimes I actually have to remind myself what actually happened.

My boyfriend sought me out to get back with me after telling me something had been missing, what a mistake he'd made. How important I am to him, one of the most important people in his life. After breaking my heart, he put it back together again for a moment. Although something felt not quite the same as before... .a bit less contact, less enthusiasm in his texts. Until he warmed up again and told me how his brain is injured and how much he needs me. He opened up big time.

Then he stood me up by getting so drunk he couldn't make a date. And  tried to turn that on me for not reading his mind. It was the 2nd in a short space of time he'd missed by getting blind drunk.

Then he stopped talking to me for 3 weeks. I stopped trying as soon as I realised I was meeting a stone wall again.

Then he told me after those 3 weeks of silence that it's over because I love him so much.

That's it. Over. And back to silence. Just like that. Dumped at 4 am in a club like a teenager in a first romance. After all of that.

And now on top of it all, painted black.

It is an absolutely, mind bendingly, staggeringly awful way to treat someone.  How do these people feel ok in themselves? They can't do. They just can't.

The circle is getting smaller by the day. Even today even more people I happen to know who know him, have asked to 'friend' me and my social circle is widening by the day. And there he is to the side, pretending I don't exist.  :'(
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