Post Break-up Advice Needed...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Evening Guys,

So I'm here again, not quite 2 years after I last posted looking for fellow sufferers who had experienced living with a partner showing signs (but undiagnosed) of BPD.

To summarise (although please see my previous posts regarding what happened), met in 2011, I was her God, sensational, better than any of her ex's, the best Dad to her own 2yr old (now 6 yr old) (who became like my own), then we had our own son (now 3 years old)... .then my weaknesses started to show and gradually I lost my tag of being wonderful to the point that 4 years later she has left me and our 3 year old son, and is currently in temp. accommodation waiting for a home, claiming that my "domestic violence" forced her out... .

Nearly exactly the same thing happened in 2014 in the following sequence:

1. Started texting an old friend she bumped into, then claiming she had feelings.

2. Left me saying that she couldn't be with me anymore, again leaving our son for the main part of each week.

3. As I kept chasing in a bad way, I found myself in a drunken late night scuffle with her Father and brother, which resulted in me being arrested and charged with GBH and assault. The major charge was later dropped, and I was given a fine for assault (helped because my ex BPDgf had changed her story and wanted me back).

4. During my bail period / no contact with ex, I happened to meet a new girl through a drunken fling (more a distraction which I am not too proud of). As soon as my ex BPDgf found out from a neighbour, she came round (despite my bail preventing her) and begged me back, giving me the seductive charms like at the start of the relationship.

5. I finished the fling with the other girl, vowed to wait until we could be together after my bail conditions were up and subsequently got back together and moved back into our family home.

6. Lived for a year as a good family, enjoying memorable holidays, days out and events.

Everything was good (with the odd row / embarrassing moment as expected with BPD) until we had a street bbq, and I wanted to stay outside with the other male neighbours (no harm, just a few beers after the other female partners had gone into bed / to see to children). My ex BPDgf took exception to this and publicly humiliated me to the point that I ran inside to save myself from the public hanging I was being given about personal issues etc. Once inside I tried to shut myself away and safeguard my son but it was clear my ex was raging and wanted a fight. She was screaming and punching herself telling me the police would see bruises and assume I did them... .as expected the police came, I was arrested, spent an agonising 24hrs in custody until the CPS decided there was no evidence and my ex did not want to press charges. I went back home to an apologetic ex, who was all over me asking for forgiveness (sound familiar anyone?). My step son had told his real father the next morning what happened and claimed he had been pushed during the scuffling and had a mark, so I was again questioned and again no further action was taken, but we were then subject to social services and had to work with them for 6 months. At the start of the year this was lifted and we were free to be a family again with a holiday booked for the summer and we decided to move 20mins to a new area for a fresh start (This was mainly instigated by my ex who wanted to get away from her family, with her father facing some serious allegations and a court trial later this year).

I agreed and we found a property that "she fell in love with" and we got the ball rolling, selling my house (has always been in my sole name... .luckily) and buying the new one. As soon as things were set in stone her mood changed, she no longer wanted to move and said "but you can!"... .for the past couple of months  things have got progressively work, no affection, even a family break she insisted on sleeping in our boys' bedroom rather than me. I kept accusing her of hiding something which got her angry and again, she stormed off to bed leaving me to sleep on the sofa (most nights).

So, here we are April 2016 and following the above occurring for the past few months, 2 weeks ago she admitted she had been texting her boss for a month and met him several times, but hadn't done anything other than a "stupid kiss". I kicked her out of my home that night and she obviously had to take her own son with her (which although i felt bad, I couldn't help)... .the following day came the emails begging for me to give her a chance, saying how sorry she was and how she loved me etc. She came home and swore that nothing had happened (just like she did when she was texting and meeting with the bloke 2 years previous!). I felt I should give it 1 last shot for our boys, so she agreed to block this boss and hand her notice in and vowed to make things work... .That was the Sunday. By the end of the following week (last week) she had again avoided me all week, claiming that my insecurity and accusations had pushed her away. On Saturday she told me she was leaving, things got heated although no aggression other than forcing her bag open to get my key back, and she rang the police telling them I had kicked her out, pushed her and she couldn't take anymore. I grabbed our son and some stuff and drove off before they arrived, and later had a phonecall advising that I wasnt in any trouble but had to go and show them my son and I were both OK, which we duly did.

Since then, she has been staying in temp. housing but has claimed she is a victim of domestic abuse and has sent me numerous emails asking why I had to cause all this, why couldn't I get help, why did I push her away. Even though I have been unfairly portrayed as the causer and abuser in all this I emailed her and rang her asking if she could come back and make things work. Initially she said she needed time to think, but then told me she wanted this other guy as he "gave her security" and "understood her"... .She has been emailing me asking how our son is all week, and whenever I email back trying to resolve she claims she will tell her domestic violence support workers she is being harassed, despite emailing me and me simply replying.

I'm now at the point where although I am struggling (especially waking up and going home from work), I know that I am out of a toxic relationship and my friends and family have told me I would be foolish to ever go back. I miss that intense feeling though, it's like a drug addiction... .not healthy but I want her back to enjoy the few "amazing" moments as a family or the "amazing passion". I also fear the point, when she comes running back (as she did last time), but mainly I worry about our son's future, where will he live, who will he have in his life. He is my world and is very close to me and so far hasn't seemed too affected even though he hasn't seen his Mum since the weekend. It churns my stomach the thought of her getting with this other guy and giving him the passion that we had at the start of the relationship.



Apologies for the long winded story, but felt it was important to set the scene... .It is like de ja vu and her ex partner (who I actually spoke to previously when she left and have always been civil with due to the step son) said she did exactly the same thing to him... .twice.

I hope someone else on here can relate to my scenario (especially if they have experienced this and had a child to consider) and give me some sort of advice / hope / reassurance. I am trying to soldier on for my little boy and have a great family around me. I intend to move to the new home as I feel a fresh start for myself is much needed.

Thanks for your time

CC

[CC85]

Evening Guys,

So I'm here again, not quite 2 years after I last posted looking for fellow sufferers who had experienced living with a partner showing signs (but undiagnosed) of BPD.

To summarise (although please see my previous posts regarding what happened), met in 2011, I was her God, sensational, better than any of her ex's, the best Dad to her own 2yr old (now 6 yr old) (who became like my own), then we had our own son (now 3 years old)... .then my weaknesses started to show and gradually I lost my tag of being wonderful to the point that 4 years later she has left me and our 3 year old son, and is currently in temp. accommodation waiting for a home, claiming that my "domestic violence" forced her out... .

Nearly exactly the same thing happened in 2014 in the following sequence:

1. Started texting an old friend she bumped into, then claiming she had feelings.

2. Left me saying that she couldn't be with me anymore, again leaving our son for the main part of each week.

3. As I kept chasing in a bad way, I found myself in a drunken late night scuffle with her Father and brother, which resulted in me being arrested and charged with GBH and assault. The major charge was later dropped, and I was given a fine for assault (helped because my ex BPDgf had changed her story and wanted me back).

4. During my bail period / no contact with ex, I happened to meet a new girl through a drunken fling (more a distraction which I am not too proud of). As soon as my ex BPDgf found out from a neighbour, she came round (despite my bail preventing her) and begged me back, giving me the seductive charms like at the start of the relationship.

5. I finished the fling with the other girl, vowed to wait until we could be together after my bail conditions were up and subsequently got back together and moved back into our family home.

6. Lived for a year as a good family, enjoying memorable holidays, days out and events.

Everything was good (with the odd row / embarrassing moment as expected with BPD) until we had a street bbq, and I wanted to stay outside with the other male neighbours (no harm, just a few beers after the other female partners had gone into bed / to see to children). My ex BPDgf took exception to this and publicly humiliated me to the point that I ran inside to save myself from the public hanging I was being given about personal issues etc. Once inside I tried to shut myself away and safeguard my son but it was clear my ex was raging and wanted a fight. She was screaming and punching herself telling me the police would see bruises and assume I did them... .as expected the police came, I was arrested, spent an agonising 24hrs in custody until the CPS decided there was no evidence and my ex did not want to press charges. I went back home to an apologetic ex, who was all over me asking for forgiveness (sound familiar anyone?). My step son had told his real father the next morning what happened and claimed he had been pushed during the scuffling and had a mark, so I was again questioned and again no further action was taken, but we were then subject to social services and had to work with them for 6 months. At the start of the year this was lifted and we were free to be a family again with a holiday booked for the summer and we decided to move 20mins to a new area for a fresh start (This was mainly instigated by my ex who wanted to get away from her family, with her father facing some serious allegations and a court trial later this year).

I agreed and we found a property that "she fell in love with" and we got the ball rolling, selling my house (has always been in my sole name... .luckily) and buying the new one. As soon as things were set in stone her mood changed, she no longer wanted to move and said "but you can!"... .for the past couple of months  things have got progressively work, no affection, even a family break she insisted on sleeping in our boys' bedroom rather than me. I kept accusing her of hiding something which got her angry and again, she stormed off to bed leaving me to sleep on the sofa (most nights).

So, here we are April 2016 and following the above occurring for the past few months, 2 weeks ago she admitted she had been texting her boss for a month and met him several times, but hadn't done anything other than a "stupid kiss". I kicked her out of my home that night and she obviously had to take her own son with her (which although i felt bad, I couldn't help)... .the following day came the emails begging for me to give her a chance, saying how sorry she was and how she loved me etc. She came home and swore that nothing had happened (just like she did when she was texting and meeting with the bloke 2 years previous!). I felt I should give it 1 last shot for our boys, so she agreed to block this boss and hand her notice in and vowed to make things work... .That was the Sunday. By the end of the following week (last week) she had again avoided me all week, claiming that my insecurity and accusations had pushed her away. On Saturday she told me she was leaving, things got heated although no aggression other than forcing her bag open to get my key back, and she rang the police telling them I had kicked her out, pushed her and she couldn't take anymore. I grabbed our son and some stuff and drove off before they arrived, and later had a phonecall advising that I wasnt in any trouble but had to go and show them my son and I were both OK, which we duly did.

Since then, she has been staying in temp. housing but has claimed she is a victim of domestic abuse and has sent me numerous emails asking why I had to cause all this, why couldn't I get help, why did I push her away. Even though I have been unfairly portrayed as the causer and abuser in all this I emailed her and rang her asking if she could come back and make things work. Initially she said she needed time to think, but then told me she wanted this other guy as he "gave her security" and "understood her"... .She has been emailing me asking how our son is all week, and whenever I email back trying to resolve she claims she will tell her domestic violence support workers she is being harassed, despite emailing me and me simply replying.

I'm now at the point where although I am struggling (especially waking up and going home from work), I know that I am out of a toxic relationship and my friends and family have told me I would be foolish to ever go back. I miss that intense feeling though, it's like a drug addiction... .not healthy but I want her back to enjoy the few "amazing" moments as a family or the "amazing passion". I also fear the point, when she comes running back (as she did last time), but mainly I worry about our son's future, where will he live, who will he have in his life. He is my world and is very close to me and so far hasn't seemed too affected even though he hasn't seen his Mum since the weekend. It churns my stomach the thought of her getting with this other guy and giving him the passion that we had at the start of the relationship.



Apologies for the long winded story, but felt it was important to set the scene... .It is like de ja vu and her ex partner (who I actually spoke to previously when she left and have always been civil with due to the step son) said she did exactly the same thing to him... .twice.

I hope someone else on here can relate to my scenario (especially if they have experienced this and had a child to consider) and give me some sort of advice / hope / reassurance. I am trying to soldier on for my little boy and have a great family around me. I intend to move to the new home as I feel a fresh start for myself is much needed.

Thanks for your time

CC

[WoundedBibi]

No, I don't have children and the relationship with my uBPDxbf was much shorter and very different, but still:

Her behaviour is classic BPD.

Breaking up with a pwBPD is like being a junkie coming off heroin. You know it will kill you but you still want your fix.

The few 'amazing' family moments are not worth where this IMO is heading. There is too much aggression and police and CPS involvement. Continue with your ex, attempt another recycle and one or both of you will end up in jail or prison and/or your children placed outside of your home.

Also your son might not seem to have suffered so far but the first 3 years are essential for many things in emotional development. He has picked up on the tension at home even if he has not been present at fights. This kind of family life, this kind of relationship is not the kind of example you want to set for him. You don't want him to either develop BPD traits (he has his mum's genes already) or end up in BPD relationships.

If you can't stay away for yourself yet right now do it for your son.

[CC85]

Thanks for the advice Bibi, and I understand what you are saying... .my parents and good friends have said the same, that this woman is dangerous.

I have had our son every night this week, since the split on Saturday, and my ex BPDgf has not seen him at all but has emailed me sporadically asking how he is and telling me that she should have a permanent home soon, but will not tell me where they are living and if I insist then she will get a domestic violence advisor and police involved (despite the fact that I simply want to know that my precious son isn't in a dodgy area, or at risk of any harm).

Although I am naturally going through the grieving process, ruminating which I guess is normal, I cannot believe how pure evil my ex BPDgf is being, it's as if the devil has taken over her and she is on a path of destruction to destroy me, without any care of how it may also affect her son, who has always been a Daddy's boy and is extremely close to me and my parents.

It really helps getting other people's perspectives who have been there, with or without children to consider, so thanks guys.

[JerryRG]

Hang in there CC85

Take care of yourself for you and your son's sake. I'm going through some custody battles myself but nothing on your level. I believe my son is physically safe for the moment but being with a pwBPD I'm not sure how much damage will eventually be afflicted. When I have my son (he's 2) I have to drag him kicking and screaming back to his mother. Watching him cling to me and people peeling him away from me is gut wrenching. It hurts so much I leave and swear I'm doing more harm by giving him my love and security then giving him back to his cold hearted mother. I just want him safe and well, she's holding on to him to manipulate me. She's proven many times she doesn't want him or have a clue how to nurture him and help him feel loved and safe.

[JQ]

Hey CC,

First of all, DON'T apologize for telling your story ... .it's YOUR story and you need to tell it!

I like woundedBibi don't have any children so I can't speak to that. However, I can speak to the crazy train roller coaster that you were riding, hell like we all have ridden.  I'm damn lucky I don't have a police record from my first exBPDgf from 20 years ago. I did some really REALLY stupid things that if ever found out would have landed me in jail. I'm pretty sure the statue of limitations is pretty much over with all of them ... .loll   

My 2nd exBPDgf of recent experience was much like your experience. I avoided situations where the law might have been called, but it could have gone very different if she had wanted it too. Your story is so familiar with the off again, on again, push/pull behavior of someone who has a VERY Serious Cluster B Mental Illness.  The other "bf's" in her life and how she wouldn't do it any more, again and again. Yet we come back because of the behavior we have as a NON aka Codependent.  WoundedBibi is absolutely correct in that a BPD/NON relationship is very much like a junkie coming off heroin. NOT that I've had heroin, but I've had Dilaudid the synthetic equivalent, it's hard to not want to try and get more of the "drug" to stop the pain, the hurt." I get where you're coming from.

You said, "I'm now at the point where although I am struggling (especially waking up and going home from work), I know that I am out of a toxic relationship".  It sounds as if you have reached a point where YOU WANT to get off the crazy train roller coaster.  The choice has been and WILL always be YOURS to make.  We can't & won't tell you what to do. But we can be there to support you & whatever choices you do make.

You have some valid questions in regards to your son, so I'll ask one or two.  The relationship between a BPD & a Codependent is anything but normal, full of chaos, pain, suffering, hurt, depression, and self doubt with VERY brief moments of "passion" & or "good moments" in time.  She has a Serious Cluster B Mental Illness, she's going to rage, she's going to continue to exhibit erratic behavior going from one extreme to the other like a flip of a coin. She will rage, she will deregulate, she will project on you in front of your child. She will mentally, physically, emotionally abuse you in front of your child as you experienced with your neighbors.

So is this the type of relationship that you want your son to grow up watching? Is this the example you want to set for your child to grow up and know that it's ok for a woman or a man to treat anyone? To rage, abuse, humiliate?  Do you want your child to grow up knowing that this type of r/s is "NORMAL" and will repeat your story over and over and over?  Is this the r/s you want to show to your friends or family if you really can?  Would they want you to come over for a bar b q or for the holidays?  Only you can answer those questions.

I finally had enough of dealing with her flying monkey's, " https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SESI19h4wDo "    you have to keep a sense of humor when dealing with BPD.     One day I just woke up after not sleeping for days much like you are and thought to myself what the hell am I doing?  This is NOT what I want for the rest of my life. I had turned into someone I didn't recognized.  I knew from my first exBPDgf experience that it was never going to get better or end well.  My brain knew what i had to do as much as my heart hated what it knew had to be done. If I was going to get back my life, my mind, my soul I knew it was time.

You wanted some advice, hope and reassurance.  IN both cases I went NC & to be more exact in the recent exBPDgf, I blocked all social media including FB. I blocked & deleted her number so it would be very difficult for her to contact me when she needed to recycle me and you know as well as I do from personal experience, THEY WILL RECYCLE YOU!  It's only a matter of time & you've experienced this.  I understand this is going to be a little more challenging with a child you share. But you can still LOCKDOWN your social media.  You might have to take her text or calls in regards to your child, BUT you certainly don't need to put up with her mental & emotional abuse that she will hurl in your direction and use your child against you.

I would encourage you to read how to "effectively communicate" with your BPD on this website. And how to say no or how to respond when she's raging, saying nasty and abusing things about you.  It's ok, to calmly say, I don't like the way you're talking to me when your upset. So I'm going to hang up now and when you can talk to me without hurting me you can call back. Or "You're hurting me with what your saying and I'm going to hang up now. I'll call you back when I'm feeling better." Or words to that affect, again read the references here.

YOU need to take care of YOU!  YOU need to get some sleep because like all of us riding the same BPD crazy train, you're not getting enough sleep.  So, mute your phone an hour before you go to bed, don't touch anything electronic.  Get some melatonin in your vitamin isle to help you fall asleep.  Stay away from the junk food because nothing good ever comes from that.  Next, get outside and enjoy the spring weather, take your son for a walk, it'll be good for both of you. It'll be a good way for you to reduce your stress, and some great bonding time for both of you. Enjoy the sun, the birds, the butterfly's, enjoy the grass, enjoy the playground. Bottom line, enjoy each other and the small things.  Call an old friend and catch up that you haven't talked to in awhile. This will be good for your spirit.  I would encourage you to seek out and find a good therapist who knows a lot about BPD & Codependent r/s and help you work through your feelings, emotions, and thoughts ... .trust me this is part of the healing process. You need to look back at you history and find out why you are a codependent and begin to change your behavior as well. You need to learn to say no! NO to the mental, physical and mental abuse! NO to the recycle!

YOU need to heal, YOU need to take care of YOU!  YOU need to take care of YOU for not just yourself but YOU need to take care of YOU for your CHILD! 

Then come back here more often and let us know how your doing. Vent, get things off your chest, ask for guidance or for us to share our experience. Trust me this too is very therapeutic.  You will stumble on your journey, hell we all have including me recently. But if you look over your shoulder, someone here will hold out a hand and pull you back up. They will dust you off and straighten you up. Then it's up to YOU to make the choice to continue down the path your currently on. Take the path to the right and see where that leads too or you can sit back down and do nothing CC. The choice has always been and will ALWAYS be YOURS to make.

You got this ... .things get better from here if you want them too. They will always get better!  Know that we got your back too!   

J

[CC85]

Thanks for your kind words and advice guys... .

Jerry RG- I truly feel your pain regarding custody. As things stand my ex udBPDgf has claimed she is homeless through domestic abuse, and is saying she will not tell me where she is being housed and if I continue to question where, she will report it as harassment, have all kinds of domestic abuse and police involvement. She has been emailing me sporadically, usually in the Morning and then again late evening, asking about our son (as he has been solely with me since she left (again) on Saturday. I have been responding to the emails, but (and I know this is foolish of me, but is my nature) have been saying how it doesn't need to be this way and that we could get help (almost trying to make her realise what she has walked out on, again!... .before it's too late... .

I have taken some initial legal advice regarding my son, and am going to speak to a therapist soon to see how I go about ensuring I am taking care of myself, and obviously my son.

It is gut wrenching at the moment, as my son (3) does not want to get up for nursery and this morning as I was bathing him, burst into tears saying he wanted his brother (my step son, who called me Dad from day 1, but is now "no longer anything to do with me"... .(man, I feel for that little lad, 2 dads and 6 home moves (including brief splits) in his 6 years!). My boy remarkably hasn't called for his Mummy once since she hasn't seen him and has only made the brief mention of how she did something different to his Nanny.

JQ - Thanks for the advice... .the "drug addiction" to the good times is the hardest thing that is really playing on my mind... .the thought that I will never have that sort of passion with anyone, could never fancy anyone like I did her, then the thought of never having our family days out (she used to love them and make a real big thing about them). That's the hardest thing for me right now, as I cannot understand how she can just drop all that and potentially want someone (she said the other day she hadn't done anything as yet) she works with, who having seen the texts from before she blocked him declared that he really liked her.

To answer your questions JQ, no, of course I don't want my son to grow up witnessing the bad times, the fights, the walking out, the crudeness but I also fear that he will never have that "ideal family" which I was lucky enough to enjoy growing up, and still do to this day. I thing that is one of the reason I am finding it so hard, as I always had in instilled to me that a family should be Mummy, Daddy, siblings and for 4 years I have bred that into my family which has now been so cruelly ripped apart by ex BPDgf.

I also know that my family would not accept my ex again, they have admitted they had major concerns over my sister's wedding last year especially as my sister invited some very attractive female friends. One of my good friends has also requested that if I was to get back with my ex, he would not allow her to his wedding reception.

I did have moments if we were out for meals, or bowling where my ex were say something to a complete stranger (no problem in being sociable), but before I knew if said stranger knew more about my personal life and our relationship than I do! Then, when I accused my ex later of telling people too much private stuff I would get the ":)on't tell me who I can speak to or how I can act... .you're so controlling!"

I think one of my other fears was never being able to plan for the future. Having spent 10 years from 16 years old with a girl who had a career and well paid job, we naturally saved, worked together and had goals, plans. I find with my ex BPDgf whilst I work and take care of my mortgage, any money she earns casually gets frittered away, no future planning. I used to joke that if she won the lottery it would have been spent the very next day!

To conclude, as much as I know I would be putting myself in an extremely risky situation if I was to take her back (should the opportunity present itself), I also have the following things tearing my mind apart (and apologies for being a tad graphic):

1/ What's she thinking, who's she with, what's she doing?

2/ Has she moved on with this work colleague (she did exactly the same thing 2 years ago, but swore that even though she met a bloke a couple of times and kissed him, she never went any further). I'm a fairly jealous person, so this really eats away at me... .

3/ If the answer to no. 2 is no, and she wanted to get back, how can I make sure this episode doesn't happen again... .and again?.

4/ If no. 2 and no. 3 are favourable, how do I ever get people, family and friends to trust us as a couple or respect us?

5/ If we weren't to get back together (which as things stand I think are near on certain we wont), how will my son grow up? Who will be in his life?

I guess these are fairly normal thinking points for most of us going through such turmoil, but if you have any good ideas / answers then please feel free to spill them.

I am currently going through a range of emotions... .missing her (especially waking up or getting home to work with no one there), feeling angry (at the way she has behaved and the email threats about harassment), feeling jealous (that she may be in bed with the other guy already), feeling guilty (that my son no longer has the "ideal" family around him), feeling fearful (of what the future holds for him and me).

I also have moments when I feel positive (the thought of being free, the thought of meeting someone "normal" who will work with me, not humiliate me at weddings and family occasions), the thought of not looking over my shoulder or treading on eggshells, but throughout all these thoughts I keep going back to the "drug addiction", wanting one more hit of the passion, of the sexy girl I met 4 years ago... .it is such a roller coaster, and although I know I should get off, the one or two thrill moments on the ride keep me buckled in.

[WoundedBibi]

Thanks for your kind words and advice guys... .

Jerry RG- I truly feel your pain regarding custody. As things stand my ex udBPDgf has claimed she is homeless through domestic abuse, and is saying she will not tell me where she is being housed and if I continue to question where, she will report it as harassment, have all kinds of domestic abuse and police involvement. She has been emailing me sporadically, usually in the Morning and then again late evening, asking about our son (as he has been solely with me since she left (again) on Saturday. I have been responding to the emails, but (and I know this is foolish of me, but is my nature) have been saying how it doesn't need to be this way and that we could get help (almost trying to make her realise what she has walked out on, again!... .before it's too late... .

I have taken some initial legal advice regarding my son, and am going to speak to a therapist soon to see how I go about ensuring I am taking care of myself, and obviously my son.

It is gut wrenching at the moment, as my son (3) does not want to get up for nursery and this morning as I was bathing him, burst into tears saying he wanted his brother (my step son, who called me Dad from day 1, but is now "no longer anything to do with me"... .(man, I feel for that little lad, 2 dads and 6 home moves (including brief splits) in his 6 years!). My boy remarkably hasn't called for his Mummy once since she hasn't seen him and has only made the brief mention of how she did something different to his Nanny.

JQ - Thanks for the advice... .the "drug addiction" to the good times is the hardest thing that is really playing on my mind... .the thought that I will never have that sort of passion with anyone, could never fancy anyone like I did her, then the thought of never having our family days out (she used to love them and make a real big thing about them). That's the hardest thing for me right now, as I cannot understand how she can just drop all that and potentially want someone (she said the other day she hadn't done anything as yet) she works with, who having seen the texts from before she blocked him declared that he really liked her.

In time hopeful you will understand that this druglike high is very unhealthy. That is not adult love. It doesn't last, it doesn't deepen. It is superficial. It is not the love you build a family on.

To answer your questions JQ, no, of course I don't want my son to grow up witnessing the bad times, the fights, the walking out, the crudeness but I also fear that he will never have that "ideal family" which I was lucky enough to enjoy growing up, and still do to this day. I thing that is one of the reason I am finding it so hard, as I always had in instilled to me that a family should be Mummy, Daddy, siblings and for 4 years I have bred that into my family which has now been so cruelly ripped apart by ex BPDgf.

Your ex from your description did not act as a mummy in an ideal family. Not before the breakup either. Your son might still have that an 'ideal' family as you call it. With a different mummy somewhere down the line. Because she doesn't sound like a mother I would like to grow up with. The fact he hasn't asked about her tells me something is not right in their bonding.

I also know that my family would not accept my ex again, they have admitted they had major concerns over my sister's wedding last year especially as my sister invited some very attractive female friends. One of my good friends has also requested that if I was to get back with my ex, he would not allow her to his wedding reception.

I did have moments if we were out for meals, or bowling where my ex were say something to a complete stranger (no problem in being sociable), but before I knew if said stranger knew more about my personal life and our relationship than I do! Then, when I accused my ex later of telling people too much private stuff I would get the ":)on't tell me who I can speak to or how I can act... .you're so controlling!"

I think one of my other fears was never being able to plan for the future. Having spent 10 years from 16 years old with a girl who had a career and well paid job, we naturally saved, worked together and had goals, plans. I find with my ex BPDgf whilst I work and take care of my mortgage, any money she earns casually gets frittered away, no future planning. I used to joke that if she won the lottery it would have been spent the very next day!

To conclude, as much as I know I would be putting myself in an extremely risky situation if I was to take her back (should the opportunity present itself), I also have the following things tearing my mind apart (and apologies for being a tad graphic):

1/ What's she thinking, who's she with, what's she doing?

Who knows? Nobody here is a clairvoyant. All pwBPD are different. As are we. They have similarities but we cannot guess what she is thinking.

You do need to understand that BPD is a very serious mental illness. You didn't cause the BPD, you can't control the BPD, you can't cure the BPD.

2/ Has she moved on with this work colleague (she did exactly the same thing 2 years ago, but swore that even though she met a bloke a couple of times and kissed him, she never went any further). I'm a fairly jealous person, so this really eats away at me... .

Generally speaking with pwBPD actions are worth more than words, their version of events can deviate from actual facts and they use sex to manipulate.

Nobody but the two of them know for sure what happened but chances are more happened than just a kiss.

3/ If the answer to no. 2 is no, and she wanted to get back, how can I make sure this episode doesn't happen again... .and again?.

It doesn't matter if the answer is yes or no, you can't do anything to prevent this. You cannot control or cure her BPD.

4/ If no. 2 and no. 3 are favourable, how do I ever get people, family and friends to trust us as a couple or respect us?

I am going to skip this one...

5/ If we weren't to get back together (which as things stand I think are near on certain we wont), how will my son grow up? Who will be in his life?

You need a lawyer to answer that question.

If possible I would try to get sole custody; I think growing up with a BPD parent can only create a person with either BPD himself or that gets himself into these types of relationships...

I guess these are fairly normal thinking points for most of us going through such turmoil, but if you have any good ideas / answers then please feel free to spill them.

I am currently going through a range of emotions... .missing her (especially waking up or getting home to work with no one there), feeling angry (at the way she has behaved and the email threats about harassment), feeling jealous (that she may be in bed with the other guy already), feeling guilty (that my son no longer has the "ideal" family around him), feeling fearful (of what the future holds for him and me).

I also have moments when I feel positive (the thought of being free, the thought of meeting someone "normal" who will work with me, not humiliate me at weddings and family occasions), the thought of not looking over my shoulder or treading on eggshells, but throughout all these thoughts I keep going back to the "drug addiction", wanting one more hit of the passion, of the sexy girl I met 4 years ago... .it is such a roller coaster, and although I know I should get off, the one or two thrill moments on the ride keep me buckled in.

[JQ]

CC,

Bibi gives some sound guidance. IN TIME, things will get better. IN TIME you will understand better that BPD is a VERY Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that is beyond your control to affect in any way.  As Bibi reminded me the other day of the 3 C's of BPD.  YOU didn't Cause it!  YOU can't Control it!  YOU can't Cure it!  

Bibi also brings up another valid point that a r/s is not TRULY an adult relationship.    If you look in the mirror and really be honest with yourself ask yourself the following questions?  What about her made you love her? I mean REALLY love her?   Was she the type of person that you could be with friends with and have a great time sharing the experience?  Was she a good mum that others admired?  Was she a good partner in life that YOU could depend on in those times YOU needed support?   Did she make you excited to come home at the end of the day to see her smile or did you have doubt in your heart & mind that on some level dreaded walking through the door at the end of the day wondering if you would meet MRS Hyde raging at something or you for no apparent reason?  

YOU are trying to apply logic to a r/s, a situation with someone who has BPD and nothing HAS and nothing WILL make since, EVER!  Yes there were moments where I saw clarity in my exBPD eyes, or in an action or two of hers. BUT they were only moments, passing quickly in time and she would revert back to herself. Someone who is afflicted with a mental illness. She had been in and out of therapy with Ph.d's, Clinical Physiologist, Clinical therapist for over 25 years. All very VERY smart & educated people that had very little affect on her behavior. What in the hell was I thinking that the power of "LOVE" could repair the damage? Could give her the confidence in me? Could help her lead a better life from the daily chaos and drama.  I was arrogantly uneducated and only after I dove into the world of BPD did I learn that there was nothing ... .NOTHING that I could of done to help her. LOVE does NOT conquer ALL as we have been led to believe or perhaps we want to believe.  She knew she was sick, broken, and still she couldn't help herself in her behavior.

You said, "I guess these are fairly normal thinking points for most of us going through such turmoil, but if you have any good ideas / answers then please feel free to spill them."  You're correct that what you are feeling, what you are thinking is normal for someone who has been in a r/s with someone who has BPD. Besides the references here I would also recommend seeking out a good therapist who has a lot of experience in BPD & Codependent/NON r/s to help you sort through your thoughts, feelings and emotions. THIS WILL HELP!  There is no magic pill, there is no magic words any of us can say to you to take away the hurt, the doubt you have in yourself, the hit that your ego has taking.  It will take time, but at the end of the day, it will depend on YOU and how fast you want to heal. It will depend on YOU to wake up one day and say I've had enough of the flying monkey's she lets out of their cages and demands that I put them back in their cages. YOU have to decide that YOU are done with the crazy train roller coaster and need to get off.

Will there be moments of weakness? YES! We all have those moments but it's the support here that helps us not buy the ticket to the next trip on the crazy train? It's the support here that gives us moments of clarity when our thinking is in the FOG of BPD.  BUUT,  YOU have to take an ACTIVE part in your own recovery!    That is the key to moving forward on your path of self discovery & recovery!   YOU are the key to a better life moving forward and in time someone will be in your life that will give you those things that you search for in a REAL r/s.  YOU have to heal first, YOU have to take care of YOU first, YOU have to learn about YOU first.

I've posted this a couple of other places, but you or someone else might not have seen it. I tend to watch it in moments of weakness or doubts that I might be having and it helps, it really does to put things in perspective.  I hope that it helps you find the motivation to explore and live life everyday!   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ZQeMv5PXhg

On your journey of self discovery in moments when you feel that you can't make it, that you want to reach out to her, check in here and let us know. Someone will reach out to you to help you.

J

[CC85]

Thanks guys, your words of encouragement and support really help... .

Today has been a real struggle, I think mainly because I played cricket and had plenty of time to stand thinking about things. This coupled with the fact that I still have our son (3) (Now a whole week since my exBPDgf has seen him, although she has sent emails asking about him, which to try and remain NC I have ignored). I also know that her other son (was my step son) goes to his Dad's on a Saturday night, so I keep ruminating that with both children out of the way she will be having a lovely night with the new man she was texting, it's this feeling that really tears me up inside.

I felt good yesterday evening, having had a long chat with a female colleague at work, who I hadn't really been able to chat to before, but today have sunk back into that lonely, low on confidence feeling ruminating over my ex and what she may be doing.

To answer some of your questions honestly, I think the main thing that attracted me to and kept me attracted to my ex was the passion, where even after a few weeks or hell, the make up time (without being crude) would make it all worthwhile. I think that plus the spontaneous side of her, where we would just go out as a family and not have any set plans, with the boys happy with their family.

To answer your other questions, although she is a decent Mother for the most part, and a fun Mother sometimes I would feel embarrassed at how overly friendly she would be with other people in say parks or playgrounds, within 5 minutes she would be telling a random stranger all about her family issues, private life. I also used to worry about what she may be saying to work colleagues and friends on nights out, so I guess it's a bit like wanting to keep her by my side to monitor what she may be saying which I understand was completely wrong to feel like that. I guess the fact that she was in my opinion (and definitely hers) this really attractive girl with the best figure at wherever we were, going home with her made my fears all OK. Completely shallow I know and not how a healthy r/s should work.

I calculated the last time she walked out in pretty much identical circumstances (witholds affection for 2 months, texts another man she has bumped into for a month, moves out) my ex then was extremely harsh and threatening towards me for 4 or 5 weeks, then realised and started trying to work her way back in and by the 9th week had came round and seduced me with those classic wooing / seductive charms I now know to be part and parcel of BPD.

It's only been a week, and I am going from being hopeful that she comes back like before, then wanting to slap myself for even contemplating letting her back in to risk further trouble, and then to the other extreme of looking forward to getting back to the real world, meeting a decent person and having not just the few goods things I had with my ex BPDgf, but also the normal family life, the not worrying about what she might be saying, what she might suddenly do.

I guess I liken my last 4 years of running around a revolving door in a posh hotel, in that as frustrating as it is keep going round and not getting anywhere, every so often the receptionist may drag me in, feed me a lovely meal and then put me back in the revolving door. Now I'm not in that revolving door, although I have the whole world around me, I feel disorientated that the comfort of being inside and the occasional good times are no longer there for me.

I guess I'm rambling now, but it certainly helps knowing my words will be read by good people who understand where I'm at and can show me towards the light at the end of the tunnel... .

[JQ]

Hi CC 

  See that?  It's the light at the end of the tunnel!   

What you are thinking is part of the "normal process" when you break from a BPD r/s, so don't feel alone.  It's the "dead time" that you start to think, remember, wonder about her and all those negative thoughts. DON"T!  Nothing good will come from this!  I know easier said then done right?

Well, call an old mate that you haven't talked to in awhile and get caught up. Take your child for a walk, to the park, over to grandparents, it'll be good for both of you.  Fill your time, make the true effort to plan your weekends with your kid!  Go for a day trip somewhere? 

As I've said, YOU need to take an active role in YOUR recovery and moving down the path on YOUR journey!   Things do get better!  It does take time, BUT know that they do get better!   

J

[CC85]

Hi JQ,

Thanks for the support... .my mind is like on it's own rollercoaster right now, between the following:

Missing ex. BPDgf:

Ruminating over her, wondering what she's doing, has she moved on, missing the passionate times, and the times she loved me as her "soulmate", missing the family times, wondering whether myself or my son will ever have them again.



Feeling hurt by what she says / does:

Kind of a disbelief that after how "amazing" I was for the first 6 months of our relationship, I'm now all manner of things, controlling, abusive, aggressive, possessive, insane (the list goes on). She is also emailing me constantly making threats about me not being able to know where she is living with our son (because she has claimed domestic abuse and calle dthe police after she announced she was leaving and I demanded the key back to my property, struggling with her to retrieve it from her bag).



Feeling angry because of her actions: :

Anger at how someone can go from needing me, and threatening to commit suicide if I hadn't have let her back 2 weeks ago when she walked out to suddenly telling me she has no feelings for me, doesn't love me and she will not be coming back.

She had a tattoo of my name on her wrist which she has had covered up straight away (she did this the last time she walked out to another tattoo of my name!)

Wanting to move on:

The feeling of wanting to move on, meet someone "normal" and have that perfect family that I have had tastes of with my ex. This feeling kind of links in with the anger described above.

When I think I can focus on the latter feeling, it all comes back to my little boy (S3)... .Ex BPDgf can be a great Mother, but she can also be damn right nasty / over strict or irresponsible (for example leaving medication out, or leaving a bath full of water - both very dangerous with a 3 year old who can climb and get into anything.

I keep hoping that after the last time she walked out, moved her stuff out, hated me for 3 or 4 weeks, then started emailing me asking how I was, then gradually wormed her way back in before unexpectedly waiting outside my home for me one morning, after she found out I had brought a girl back to our home (complete drunken mistake after a night out), that maybe the same thing will happen in the same 8 week time frame. Back then she was meeting up with another man, but only ever "kissed" him and apparently nothing more, all the time telling me to move on myself. This time the circumstances are identical although she has apparently got herself a house lined up through the domestic abuse authorities as she does not have the option to move back to her parents like last time (her father currently awaiting trial for child sex abuse charges on her younger brother!)

Although I am clinging on to the hope that she comes back, I also know that things were toxic and I should take the advice of my parents, friends and people on this board that you should not go back. Maybe I won't get that opportunity, maybe she has already moved on (hell, if she slept with this guy, I wouldn't go near her!) but with my little S3 to think of, I am finding it so hard the thought of him not growing up as a family or in 4 years time experiencing the turmoil of his Mummy going through this all again with her latest victim.

Wish I knew where things would go, how could I resolve the situation, make all the turmoil go away... .