I called 911 on my wife

[flourdust]

Unbelievably, she did it again!

Yesterday started out as a typical day in our separated "normal." I went to work, I took D10 to school, BPDw did whatever she does when she's not in DBT. She picked D10 up after school, and she was supposed to do child care until I got home from work.

Since the 911 call, she's been saying -- if I can follow her broken, disjointed communication -- that she wants to do handoffs in a public place. The prior routine had been that she supervised D10 at the house (which was something she insisted on, and I wasn't thrilled about), and that she would leave when I got home ... .or even a few minutes before I arrived, so we wouldn't have to interact. This worked except when she decided we needed to "communicate." I don't blame her for staying around last Thursday -- D10 was having a meltdown -- but I do blame her for how she acted afterwards.

So she texted me yesterday afternoon to ask when I was going to get D10. There were some back and forth texts where she said she didn't want to drop D10 off at home; she wanted me to pick her up at BPDw's apartment. I said that was fine.

It was pouring rain when I was driving home. Traffic was backed up. I was about halfway to the apartment when BPDw called. I had a bad feeling about this. This was how the meltdown on Thursday started. Against my better judgment, I answered the call. Wife was agitated and audibly upset. She started out by saying "If you dare hang up on me, I will... ." I don't remember the exact threat. For some reason, she was downtown instead of at her apartment, she was driving in the rain, and she wasn't going to make it in time for the pickup. She yelled at me that D10 desperately had to go to the bathroom, she didn't know when she would be able to get on the highway or where to stop. She wanted to know where I was. I told her -- at this point, I was several miles away, actually closer to her apartment than she was. Then she wanted me to tell her where we could meet. I told her I could still meet her at her apartment or the house -- I could wait until she got there.

She got angrier. She said I didn't understand her, and I needed to work with her and pick a place to meet. This made no sense -- I asked her if she wanted me to turn around and head back downtown. She began screaming nonsensically -- " Of course you want to go to your house, where you have all your nice things and can be in control!" At that point, I hung up on her.

A few minutes later, I got off the highway and pulled over. I called her back. I wanted to tell her, directly and clearly, that I was going to the house, and she could take care of D10's pee break and dropping her off by herself. But she cut me off immediately to say that because I hung up on her, she was hanging up on me.

I drove home. I sent her this text. I thought it might be good to log some documentation of this.

I have made it to the house. I expect you to be able to manage finding a bathroom for a little girl and driving here for the handoff, even if you are late. Calling me to scream at me to solve your problems because you are stressed is not acceptable. Those are your responsibilities. I have nothing more to say on this.

She eventually made it and dropped D10 off. I learned that she had never made a bathroom stop and let D10 pee her pants.

And she sent me a long text calling me a ass and a dick, saying that she called me "out of mutual consideration of the time and the weather," whining that seeing through raindrops is a "serious visual hazard" for her, telling me she would no longer "be acting as your personal babysitter and delivering her where and at your convenience", saying that I'd convinced her we need to split up and she will "stop trying to save our marriage" and threatening "if you thought I was awful, I'm sure you'll enjoy it now that I'm done working hard to be nice to you."

Oh noes, she won't be nice to me any more! 

Seriously, though, she's demonstrating more and more how poor her judgment and parenting skills are.

[ForeverDad]

Imagine if you had been recording yourself whenever you had contact with your Ex... .  You would have had proof that you weren't misbehaving... .  If no legal aftermath then you could have just archived it and forgotten it.  But you would have had something to document you behaved yourself and that their allegations were trumped up.

Probably henceforth you should consider recording yourselves as self defense.  Don't make a big deal of it, don't wave recording devices in their faces, in other words, don't create incidents.  I've recorded and most of the time my recorder was in my pocket, out of sight, out of mind.  Now, 10 years later, just about every mobile device can record so recording is not such a contentious issue as in the past if you use good judgment and try not to trigger 'incidents'.

When I went through my divorce I faced very extreme allegations.  I knew it would be bad so I started recording months before separation.  I wanted proof that I wasn't the one with the pattern of misbehaving, ranting or raging.  It was a form of self-protection insurance for me and though I didn't sleep well back then I did feel a little bit safer if the police ever came for me in the middle of the night to cart me off.  Fortunately, they never did.   But eventually I did make use of my recordings, once with CPS and once with family court.  I probably also offered them as proof to the CE (custody evaluator) and GAL (Guardian ad Litem).

To repeat, your situation may not have "high conflict" incidents as some of us have been targeted.  Hard be to sure until it happens or doesn't happen.  Use good judgment.  However, it is best to be prepared for the worst and hope for it not to be that bad.  Better to have it and not need it rather than need it and not have it.



Ponder what the big issues are... .(1) your Ex handling after school time, (2) your Ex coming to your house and blurring the separation in your lives and (3) your Ex freaking out when stressed.  Can we identify solutions?  Can you be the problem solver?

Your daughter is 10 years old.  Maybe the school has after-school programs?  Have you considered daycare?  Sure, she'll age out of daycare at about 12 years of age, or 6th grade, but it could be your solution for the next couple years.  The benefit is that for a relatively small cost your life would be less incident-prone, you would have better boundaries in your parenting and daughter wouldn't be as negatively influenced by her mother.  In addition your daughter would have time with her peers to have normal social development rather than get sensitized by your Ex.

As for exchanges, if it is getting that conflictual, maybe you should set up a separate neutral site.

You've had two incidents where Ex was unable to handle normal problems.  On the one hand you shouldn't let her make her problems your problems (as you wrote in that text).  On the other hand you will need to figure out how best to reduce the risk of such attempts, meaning you need to find ways to avoid having Ex do after school pick ups.

Your home should be your home, her home should be her home.  The lines are blurred now.  Is it her wish or are you agreeable because it's a convenience due to your work schedule?

At some time your daughter will be considered mature enough to be home alone for those relatively short periods after school... .latchkey children are not that unusual.  Ten is not necessarily too young, depends on her level of maturity, how long the wait, the neighborhood, etc.

[gotbushels]

Be aware that somewhere in the process you may (will) be tempted to reconcile and try yet again.  (That's our Knight in Shining Armor trait.)  Beware.  Guard against such impulses.  Barring major lasting improvements, past history is an accurate predictor of the future.  You don't want to try again and cycle right back to where you are now — or in a worse position parent-wise.

Right now, you are the majority time parent.  If you get back on the roller coaster, who knows what the status will be when you get off again.  Again, if she isn't in meaningful therapy and making solid substantive progress in life and thinking long term, the past will come back to bite you.

Thanks gentlemen, this was helpful to me. 

[Notwendy]

I really like Foreverdad's suggestions of after school childcare. This is very triggering to her mother. Also putting her in the situation where she wets her pants isn't good for her.

She is also getting older. I recall being around age 12 when I realized that in some ways, I was more mature emotionally than BPD mom and her behavior was more obvious to me. Coming home from school, we wondered what emotional state my mother was in. She might be screaming at us when we walked in the door. This made it hard to do homework.

At the time, there was no after school child care, but there is now. Even if your D outgrows it by age 12, another idea is to find a responsible sitter to pick her up. While age 12 may be old enough to stay on her own, she might not like it. A local college might be a source to find college age girls who can pick her up, bring her to your place, help her with homework. Since she may not have an emotionally stable mother, a sensible college age girl can be a sort of "big sister" role model for her.

[flourdust]

I think, looking at the big picture, now that I've removed most of her other ways to initiate conflict with me, the child care handoff is what's left for her to work with.

I agreed to this situation (the after-school child care) for a few reasons. First, it's convenient for me and saves money. Finding after-school care is time-consuming and challenging, and it's costly. There is an in-school aftercare program, but it has a lengthy wait list, and D10 was actually expelled from it three years ago when her own behaviors were uncontrolled. Other options involve a lot of research and calls to find something that would work, plus the added expense. I'm prepared to do all these things, but the convenience and cost savings are very attractive.

Secondly, it provides more time for D10 and BPDw to be together, which is something both of them want. I really don't want to have to minimize D10's contact with her mom unless I have to. This option gives them time together without sacrificing overnights, so it's still me with primary custody.

There's also the school calendar to consider. The school year ends at the start of June. This is her last year in elementary school; she starts in a different middle school next year. Over the summer, she has a fully booked calendar of events, and they run late enough that I can arrange to pick her up every day. She'll be 11 in the fall, and I think she's responsible enough to be pretty much fine as a latchkey kid if that's necessary next year.

Just have to get through the next month ... .a period during which I'm likely to formally file for divorce, anyway.

[HurtinNW]

I think, looking at the big picture, now that I've removed most of her other ways to initiate conflict with me, the child care handoff is what's left for her to work with.

I agreed to this situation (the after-school child care) for a few reasons. First, it's convenient for me and saves money. Finding after-school care is time-consuming and challenging, and it's costly. There is an in-school aftercare program, but it has a lengthy wait list, and D10 was actually expelled from it three years ago when her own behaviors were uncontrolled. Other options involve a lot of research and calls to find something that would work, plus the added expense. I'm prepared to do all these things, but the convenience and cost savings are very attractive.

Secondly, it provides more time for D10 and BPDw to be together, which is something both of them want. I really don't want to have to minimize D10's contact with her mom unless I have to. This option gives them time together without sacrificing overnights, so it's still me with primary custody.

There's also the school calendar to consider. The school year ends at the start of June. This is her last year in elementary school; she starts in a different middle school next year. Over the summer, she has a fully booked calendar of events, and they run late enough that I can arrange to pick her up every day. She'll be 11 in the fall, and I think she's responsible enough to be pretty much fine as a latchkey kid if that's necessary next year.

Just have to get through the next month ... .a period during which I'm likely to formally file for divorce, anyway.

That's a good plan. My kids have been latchkey most their lives. I'm a working single mom, and to tell the truth, it has been very good for them. They are all super responsible now. It's good for kids to have responsibility.

Notwendy has a great idea of making sure she has some sort of big sibling mentor. Depending on where you live there are all sorts of programs. My kids all have had mentors... .my oldest son has a police officer as his mentor! Check out Boys and Girls Aid, Big Brothers and Sisters, for programs, you can even just ask people for help. It sounds like your daughter has some behavioral challenges so she may qualify for different programs too.

I have to say this thread is triggering for me because I grew up with a very mentally ill BPD mom... .the kind of mom who would have let me pee my pants, which I think is abusive and cruel. No matter what challenges your daughter has she deserves better. In the long run divorce will give her the sanctuary and care she needs. I agree and commend you for protecting her bond with her mother. Letting her have safe and appropriate contact is a very wise and loving thing.

[flourdust]

Well, things have been a bit calmer for the past week. It helps that D10 was with me over the weekend. BPDw continues to have trouble managing parenting time on her own and I am, sadly, documenting all this.

There were two nights in a row when she was responsible for having dinner with D10, but she brought her home unfed and hungry. Another night, they were fighting and BPDw called me to tell me D10 wanted to have dinner with me. I told her it was her night for dinner, and I would back her on that. She complained about D10's language and behavior, but I didn't offer to intervene. The problem here was that we had agreed that the schedule would be set by us, not changed at whim by D10 -- who can, of course, decide at any moment that she wants to be with mommy or with daddy, depending on her mood. (Yesterday, she texted BPDw to pick her up because I was making her fold her laundry.)

When D10's upset with me, she'll say things like "You kicked mommy out" and "You hate mommy." We had a conversation over lunch where I asked her how we were doing, and she said that it felt like "the new normal." (This is something her therapist is teaching her.) She also said that she's heard these complaints directly from her mother, which didn't surprise me. BPDw doesn't have a filter -- but sharing these things with D10 is another mark against her parenting.

BPDw has also begun insisting we do parenting handoffs in a public place, rather than the house. I'm going along with this -- I actually think it's a good idea, if it keeps her from going off on me. And she's suggested we meet with D10's therapist to discuss how we communicate the "dissolution of our partnership." So she might be moving toward acceptance... .

[Grey Kitty]

BPDw has also begun insisting we do parenting handoffs in a public place, rather than the house. I'm going along with this -- I actually think it's a good idea, if it keeps her from going off on me. And she's suggested we meet with D10's therapist to discuss how we communicate the "dissolution of our partnership." So she might be moving toward acceptance... .

Healthy acceptance? Not so much from the picture you give.

Sounds more like feeling hurt when you do something that is enforcing healthy boundaries, deciding that you are punishing her, and trying to do it to you before you do it to her.

I wouldn't worry about why very much.

I'd take a conflict-reducing move like that (public exchanges), latch onto it, and refuse to go back to the prior method.

And I'm assuming that after school ends, you won't be having your wife in your house to care for D10 anymore, hopefully ever again... .unless she does something amazing and stops her BPD behaviors after a few years of hard work... .

[flourdust]

BPDw has also begun insisting we do parenting handoffs in a public place, rather than the house. I'm going along with this -- I actually think it's a good idea, if it keeps her from going off on me. And she's suggested we meet with D10's therapist to discuss how we communicate the "dissolution of our partnership." So she might be moving toward acceptance... .

Healthy acceptance? Not so much from the picture you give.

Sounds more like feeling hurt when you do something that is enforcing healthy boundaries, deciding that you are punishing her, and trying to do it to you before you do it to her.

I wouldn't worry about why very much.

I'd take a conflict-reducing move like that (public exchanges), latch onto it, and refuse to go back to the prior method.

And I'm assuming that after school ends, you won't be having your wife in your house to care for D10 anymore, hopefully ever again... .unless she does something amazing and stops her BPD behaviors after a few years of hard work... .

That's the plan. Fingers crossed.

[Grey Kitty]

... .after school ends, you won't be having your wife in your house to care for D10 anymore, hopefully ever again... .

That's the plan. Fingers crossed.

Make it a choice, instead of a plan, and stop crossing your fingers. You have the power to make this happen, 100%. The only choice your wife has is how much noise she is going to make about it.

[ForeverDad]

There were two nights in a row when she was responsible for having dinner with D10, but she brought her home unfed and hungry. Another night, they were fighting and BPDw called me to tell me D10 wanted to have dinner with me. I told her it was her night for dinner, and I would back her on that. She complained about D10's language and behavior, but I didn't offer to intervene. The problem here was that we had agreed that the schedule would be set by us, not changed at whim by D10 -- who can, of course, decide at any moment that she wants to be with mommy or with daddy, depending on her mood. (Yesterday, she texted BPDw to pick her up because I was making her fold her laundry.)

Over time you may end up doing the majority of the parenting.  Right now she wants her time but she may abdicate some of it later.  People of all sorts want to be seen as a good parent, many disordered parents feel the same, some more intensely.

What I'm saying is that right now you may need to have clarity over whose time is whose.  But over time you are likely to end up with more.  Don't complain about it if it is handled correctly, that is, not by D's emotion-driven whims.  After all, if you go to court and demand that mother take her scheduled time, the court would look at you cross eyed.  It won't force a parent to take a child.

For example, in the early years after separation and divorce my entitled ex was fiercely demanding to have as much time as she could get.  That lessened a couple years ago when I got majority time during the school year.  However, my ex has been quite busy in recent months, my son's been at my house nearly every day, overall she's only had overnights on her weekends and a couple afternoons during the week.  Do I complain?  No.  Do I ask that she have him more?  No.

In summary, don't feel guilty if you cook a few extra meals or have more time than scheduled.  At the same time, keep an eye on D's emotions and perceptions so the tail doesn't wag the dog, so to speak.

[flourdust]

What I'm saying is that right now you may need to have clarity over whose time is whose.  But over time you are likely to end up with more.  Don't complain about it if it is handled correctly, that is, not by D's emotion-driven whims.  After all, if you go to court and demand that mother take her scheduled time, the court would look at you cross eyed.  It won't force a parent to take a child.

No, of course not. But I want to avoid enmeshment in her parenting time. I think that, in the name of "co-parenting", she'll drag me into disputes or decisions (in a hostile, BPD style) that she should be handling on her own. If D10 is seriously injured or something like that, then it's appropriate to involve me. I don't want to be called in if she doesn't want to clean her room or she and her mother are fighting.