sometimes just feel like a schmuck

[grandmag]

Sometimes, I just feel like a schmuck... .my bp dil is fond of calling me ONLY when she wants something. Not to respond to a msg I may have left, or to fill me in on something I need to know... .only when she wants something! But she can be clever about it... .like paying me a compliment before saying what she wants... .

My question is... .why do I still fall into this one-sided trap? In fact, why do I pick up the phone? Oy vey!

grandmag

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

I've only had a BPD parent, not a child-in-law.  But I have been a shmuck so many times that I lost count.

You ask why do you fall into the traps?

Well, for me, I fell into the traps for the following reasons, some of which might apply to you:

1.  the request seems authentic and/or important.  (Paying the gas bill, etc.) 

2.  You want to be helpful.  Since it's a DIL (daughter in law), you would seem to have a child and possibly grandchildren in that scenario, and you want to help them too.

3.  You might be tired.  Someone who is BPD may be an expert at knowing how to pitch something to you just right that would take a tremendous amount of energy to overcome.

4.  You can.  Maybe you're flush with money and it's not a big deal financially, and seems wrong to withhold/deny.  (I was making good money, but still had big college debt, so at the time it seemed to not be too bad to give money over.)

5.  You feel duty-bound, because of any number of external factors (reputation, culture, religion, etc.)

6.  You are hoping that maybe things will change, even though you know they probably won't.

All of these reasons were active in me for a long long time, and any of these (or others) might be active for you. 

Falling into the trap simply means you are a caring and empathetic person, not a schmuck, because the traps are designed for caring and empathetic people.

I don't know if I have any great tips, but here are a few:

- never agree to any ongoing/regular payments

- minimize bailouts

- consider offering one last loan without a need to pay back with an agreement that it's the last time

- consider paying directly for some opportunities for your grandchildren (if there are any), such as violin or soccer.

Mainly, make sure you and those in your house/apartment are well provided for before diverting income to your DIL.

Again, I haven't lived in your scenario and likely others could provide better guidance.

Take care,

JTC

[HappyChappy]

My question is... .why do I still fall into this one-sided trap? In fact, why do I pick up the phone? Oy vey!

You ask a very pertinent question.  Could it be because you, unlike a BPD, know how to give unconditional love to your child and hence his partner ? As a child of a BPD, it was good to have the grandparents around, it tempers some of the behaviour. You're no schmuck. 

[grandmag]

joinedtheclcub:

It is never about money... .more like needing me to babysit with very little notice... or bringing the kids for a sleepover and saying the clothes she brought will have to be laundered first... .or wanting free medical advice (me as medical assistant)... .or how about giving her a perm (tomorrow)... .etc etc

Guess the schmuck feeling comes partly because I have practiced changing so many things about ME... .and liking the results... .but I still seem to fall for the needy calls (and that being nearly the only time she calls me).

I do know there is no perfection in living with this in the family... .but I ought to know that if she is calling it is all about her and yet I keep picking it up... .and do Some of those things... sigh. My own worst critic I guess.

grandmag

[Turkish]

Maybe you're your own worst critic, but at least you're introspective. My mother hasn't called me in two weeks, because she previously needed something from me emotionally, but she didn't like what I had to say, as she'd rather live in her delusions. She needs something from me physically now (my labor), but won't call. Last weekend, I did a favor for my Ex. When she needed me, because she couldn't handle our 3/4 year old daughter (D turned 4 the next day), She wanted a rescue. I refused. Boundary.

I like joinedtheclub's list. It's hepful to examine our motivations, and in doing so, algning with our core values in order to assert healthy boundaries. Boundaries shouldn't be reactive, but rather proactive.