Hurt and confused after breakup

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi everyone. This is a long post so just forewarning... .This is my first post on here so I'll tell my story... .I'm 25 and she was 22. We recently broke up a month ago. Our relationship lasted a year and a half. It was incredible to say the least. I regarded her as the most loving and caring person I had ever met. She just "got" me in every way. She accepted me in every way. She swept ME off my feet! The first few months were fantastic like everyone else, but... .something was "off". She told me she loved me after those first few months. At first I was a little queezy about it as I had gone through some really bad relationships and a physically abusive relationship when I was 18, but I continued hesitantly. As time went on, we took vacations together, spent holidays together, and she was insistent about talking about the future. About kids, lifestyle, everything. Once again I felt hesitant. I stayed reserved. I thought to myself, "I remember when I was 21, I said all sorts of things and thought I had life figured out. She's just a little immature, it's no big deal." THEN... .At 9 months, she wanted to move in together. I continuously pointed out to her that it Is waaaaay to early to move in together. That I would much rather wait till I'm engaged or married to pursue something like that and that I was not in any financial situation to pick up more debt. I stood my ground. She pointed out all the couples that had moved in together so early and how happy they were. What she failed to see is how dysfunctional all those people really were. She would explain opposite logic, that we're suppose to move in together and see how things go for some years. If everything works out, then we get married. I truly at that moment felt like I was talking to a child. The argument would continue in a circle with no end. Well it continued every single day that went by. Everything was fine in the day and then spiraled down hill with a simple "I have a question... .". After all the pushing a pull and happiness and sadness by this point, she wanted me to now get a job while I was already struggling with 5 classes in school and dealing with depression and anxiety(military). Well... .eventually right before Thanksgiving, she broke up with me. She said I am not giving her what she needs out of this relationship. I felt terrible. I felt that I was failing in this relationship like I had in a previous one I had told her about at the beginning of our relationship(she asked alllll about my past). I went as far as discussing things with her mom over coffee. Now at the time I thought her mom was my ally. She asked about everything and I tried to explain how I, me, myself... .how I felt. She disregarded it and basically had the mentality of "man up". She said I should make her a promise or give her a commitment. So After a few weeks of trying to romantically pursue her, she came back and agreed to try again as long as I got a job. I was overloaded as it was, but I went for it. I tried my best and worked 25 hours a week with the VA office at the local college. Moving forward she always brought up past arguments and I would jump right in the confrontation and take her head on thinking that I need to stand my ground. Well for 3 straight days she would bring them up nonstop. We literally would rehash ALL of them each night until I told her to STOP! That I was tired from this !%@#. I told her that a normal person would have either left this partner who did all these supposed bad things or you move on from these past arguments. She would always reply with "I can't help it, it just builds up in me and I have to let it out!" in a sad voice. I then brought up the idea of her seeing someone about this, a therapist or psychologist. I even offered to go with her and support her. That we would do this together... .She went ballistic. I had never at that point seen her that angry. She called me everything in the book. In that moment, I was emotionally exhausted, and I stopped responding. After a few hours, she turned around and pleaded for me to respond to her and that she was sorry. That night we talked it over normally and everything was patched up so I thought. She was back to loving me. Over the next few months after our breakup, she would continuously "poke" at me. Saying things that were hurtful and then apologizing afterwards and saying how amazing I was for dealing with her emotional self. That she was just exhausted and took out her frustration on me. I grew up with 2 sisters that were very grouchy all the time and thought to myself that this is just normal. I also finally caved in on the living together and tried to compromise. I said that if she could be patient, that I would figure out the last of my debt, and we could find a place to live together. She would daydream and look at bedsheets and couches etc. But at that point I was feeling drained. I found myself not going to work anymore and just lying in bed all day lying to her about what my day entailed. I felt like a mess. I hadn't worked out in a long time and I was not taking care of myself. The thought of suicide became more and more prevelant in my mind. I kept thinking about my depression issues and never once did I correlate it to her behavior. I just couldn't escape my reality, but I kept literally telling myself that if we move out, she will be happier and I will be to. She had always complained about her room and her dirty family. Well that was the last two months. The arguments still continued about every other day. We had even signed up for a Chemistry class together. She had some issues with the school the second week that I helped her fix. Afterwards I showed her how we got from point A of "the world is crashing down, screw school" to point B of "We fixed it. Now was it that hard?". She was so grateful that I swooped in and saved her. At the beginning of the end, she was texting me a million times a day. I would tell her I'm in the garage or try to let her know what my day was filled with. That was never good enough. She would expect me to tell her "hey I'm going to be doing _____ for the next 2 hours. I can't talk but I will text you when I'm done". I thought that was a little ridiculous at the time still completely oblivious to BPD or narcissism. Well I eventually started feeling the effects of the gaslamping. I lost my anger and yelled like I had never yelled before on two occasions. I did not know how I was in those moments. I had so much anger that I had to get out. She kept asserting that she doesn't deserve this and for me to tone it down. I later apologized and explained that I was really stressed out and all of this extra emotion from her wasn't helping me. Well the final new argument to surface was her saying she wants to move to Seattle (from Texas) and study a new degree up there. She asked if I would go with her. I obviously said no because I have commitments here such as MY schooling and MY family. She fought that tooth and nail. I felt it was insanely impulsive. Her mom agreed with her 100% and I was confused once again? Well the final day came. I was with her the night before we broke up and she was sad. I asked her about it and that she said that she wasn't feeling good about the relationship, but that we would work it out. She backed off on the moving in together and said that I obviously did not want to and it was fine. That she was going to move to Seattle on her own. I questioned it because I was so confused? I went home and thought nothing of it. The next morning she texted me that we need to talk. So that night I had my game face on. We met at Starbucks and I was the one telling her that I had a problem with everything. I gave her an altimatum to think about and give me an answer in the morning that we either go to relationship counceling or this relationship was over. She said that "we're just in the dating phase and we're having this many problems." That we are just wrong for each other. The whole time she cried and panicked. I felt so bad. She told me how much she loved me and that she would always love me. I ended up getting sucked in hook line and sinker. I tried to make her feel better and that we could somehow fix this to which she declined. I literally did a 180 in my head. The next few days were silent. I did not hear from her. I asked her mom about her and she gave me a story about how broken up she was. That she was a wreck. She NEVER not once asked how I was in the year and a half. I brought over all the stuff that she ever gave me and gave it back to her. All the gifts and memories. She thought I was only bringing over a couple of her shirts, but I had to get rid of it all. It felt like my selfconcious telling me you need to get rid of all of this stuff because you are needing to heal more than you think instead of seeing this stuff everyday. I did not have the heart to throw it all away. When I texted her telling her I left it next to her door, she was completely normal. She wasn't broken up about it at all. Then she saw all the gifts... .She flipped out through texts. I explained that I loved those gifts but that I couldn't bare to see them everyday because I loved her so much. She then randomly stopped replying. A couple weeks went by and everything hadn't hit me yet. I immediately saw a therapist(mom recommended), I started working out again, and my friends tried to keep me busy. I still hadn't heard from her. Well here in Texas we got hit by the flooding. I had to drive by her neighborhood that morning to get to a doctors appointment like I do every Monday. I saw that her neighborhood was flooded and houses had water about two feet above the ground. Basically into the doorway of the houses. I immediately texted her asking if her family was ok and if she needed anything. She appreciated me asking, but that she was fine. She felt numb. After that she attempted to poke another argument. I tried to avoid this conflict and instead tried to diffuse it. She then said I texted her as an excuse to contact her which was not true at all... .I told her I still cared about her and never got a response. The next week everything started setting in. I started feeling horrible. I started questioning everything and myself. I cried so much during that time. It felt so strange because I had never felt this bad about previous breakups. And that was when I lost myself... .I texted her asking if we could meet. She replied that she did not want to because last time, I was begging her to come back; that she didn't trust me(TRUST WAS ALWAYS AN ISSUE!) I gave in to EVERYTHING. I took all the blame. Everything that she had thrown at me over that period of time, I took it all on myself... .I told her she was right to break up with me and that I had so much I needed to work on myself. That I loved her so much and wanted all this grand future with her like she wanted. She replied that she didn't know what to say. That it was to late and it's done with now. That I should have gotten my head out of my rear when she was right in front of me. I was the one who told her to please block ME because my temptation was beyond reasonable in contacting her at this point. I found myself creeping everyday on social media. It was ridiculously unhealthy... .She said she did not want to cut me out of her life. That a year and a half, she can't just forget about, but I insisted in cutting all contact. I ended up driving 2 hours away just crying and bashing myself for how terrible I had been. I had never felt that low in my life. I eventually came home that night and went to sleep exhausted and drained. It was the next day that I started googling my actions and analyzing everything. It was a diamond in the ruff... .I ended up randomly coming across BPD and I had no clue what Narcissism really was. I started reading and felt so disgusted... .All of these things, all of the little comments that were truly her manipulating me or projecting onto me, just remembering all the little comments now and realizing that it was all part of her plan. Like my emotions for her was the biggest con job of all time. All the "I love yous" and everything... .It was all make believe. It has been a week since then and I have gone through two books on BPD and plan to discuss all of this with my therapist and show her my findings about her and myself. I have mainly discovered a lot about myself. I do believe that I also share a few traits and always have. I do experience the pedestal, then clinginess, then just numb in every relationship I have ever been in. Not to an extreme level, but it is there. Raising your voice has also always been a staple in my family as well and that has unhealthily stuck with me to this day. I also bounced from one relationship to the next one when one failed and I don't think it ever allowed me to heal from my previous abusive relationship... .  Am I empathetic and rational? Yes, 100%, but I have indeed always felt that emptiness inside me. Maybe it's just depression, but it has always stuck with me. Right now, I think she has moved on to another guy already. I just can't believe it. My mind is blown. Two of her blood brothers are bipolar and addicts and to believe she is unscathed would be impossible. Her dad divorced when she was 12. She does have two adopted brothers and I am contemplating on reaching out to one and explaining my side of the story and asking him to confront her about her emotional wellbeing. I don't know what she has told him, but he is in the Navy and living a very healthy life. I'm a Marine so obviously there was a mutual respect between us. I just don't know what his reaction would be and if it would be a good idea. It's like seeing a train about to crash and you are wanting to tell someone about it, but you're fearing they will think you are the crazy one... .

At this point, I have gone back and forth asking myself if I am losing it. Am I the crazy one? I can't sit here and give you an honest answer... .For the past week I have kept my loaded weapon under my bed actually out of fear of the unknown. I am SOMEWHAT manipulative in arguments as I tend to try and push and pull it the way I want it to go, but this just blew my mind. I have self evaluated myself my entire life definitely more than others and feel my emotions confidently, and to think that someone was able to chew me up and spit me out so easily? I still can't fathom it all? I have decided that I am just going to keep moving forward with my goals and steer clear of dating for a bit... .Like I said I use to bounce between relationships, but this one seriously rocked my boat, and I need to recover from it in a healthy manner and truly spend dig deep... .

Thanks again. I know this was extremely long, I do apologize.

[jhill114]

Hi everyone. This is a long post so just forewarning... .This is my first post on here so I'll tell my story... .I'm 25 and she was 22. We recently broke up a month ago. Our relationship lasted a year and a half. It was incredible to say the least. I regarded her as the most loving and caring person I had ever met. She just "got" me in every way. She accepted me in every way. She swept ME off my feet! The first few months were fantastic like everyone else, but... .something was "off". She told me she loved me after those first few months. At first I was a little queezy about it as I had gone through some really bad relationships and a physically abusive relationship when I was 18, but I continued hesitantly. As time went on, we took vacations together, spent holidays together, and she was insistent about talking about the future. About kids, lifestyle, everything. Once again I felt hesitant. I stayed reserved. I thought to myself, "I remember when I was 21, I said all sorts of things and thought I had life figured out. She's just a little immature, it's no big deal." THEN... .At 9 months, she wanted to move in together. I continuously pointed out to her that it Is waaaaay to early to move in together. That I would much rather wait till I'm engaged or married to pursue something like that and that I was not in any financial situation to pick up more debt. I stood my ground. She pointed out all the couples that had moved in together so early and how happy they were. What she failed to see is how dysfunctional all those people really were. She would explain opposite logic, that we're suppose to move in together and see how things go for some years. If everything works out, then we get married. I truly at that moment felt like I was talking to a child. The argument would continue in a circle with no end. Well it continued every single day that went by. Everything was fine in the day and then spiraled down hill with a simple "I have a question... .". After all the pushing a pull and happiness and sadness by this point, she wanted me to now get a job while I was already struggling with 5 classes in school and dealing with depression and anxiety(military). Well... .eventually right before Thanksgiving, she broke up with me. She said I am not giving her what she needs out of this relationship. I felt terrible. I felt that I was failing in this relationship like I had in a previous one I had told her about at the beginning of our relationship(she asked alllll about my past). I went as far as discussing things with her mom over coffee. Now at the time I thought her mom was my ally. She asked about everything and I tried to explain how I, me, myself... .how I felt. She disregarded it and basically had the mentality of "man up". She said I should make her a promise or give her a commitment. So After a few weeks of trying to romantically pursue her, she came back and agreed to try again as long as I got a job. I was overloaded as it was, but I went for it. I tried my best and worked 25 hours a week with the VA office at the local college. Moving forward she always brought up past arguments and I would jump right in the confrontation and take her head on thinking that I need to stand my ground. Well for 3 straight days she would bring them up nonstop. We literally would rehash ALL of them each night until I told her to STOP! That I was tired from this !%@#. I told her that a normal person would have either left this partner who did all these supposed bad things or you move on from these past arguments. She would always reply with "I can't help it, it just builds up in me and I have to let it out!" in a sad voice. I then brought up the idea of her seeing someone about this, a therapist or psychologist. I even offered to go with her and support her. That we would do this together... .She went ballistic. I had never at that point seen her that angry. She called me everything in the book. In that moment, I was emotionally exhausted, and I stopped responding. After a few hours, she turned around and pleaded for me to respond to her and that she was sorry. That night we talked it over normally and everything was patched up so I thought. She was back to loving me. Over the next few months after our breakup, she would continuously "poke" at me. Saying things that were hurtful and then apologizing afterwards and saying how amazing I was for dealing with her emotional self. That she was just exhausted and took out her frustration on me. I grew up with 2 sisters that were very grouchy all the time and thought to myself that this is just normal. I also finally caved in on the living together and tried to compromise. I said that if she could be patient, that I would figure out the last of my debt, and we could find a place to live together. She would daydream and look at bedsheets and couches etc. But at that point I was feeling drained. I found myself not going to work anymore and just lying in bed all day lying to her about what my day entailed. I felt like a mess. I hadn't worked out in a long time and I was not taking care of myself. The thought of suicide became more and more prevelant in my mind. I kept thinking about my depression issues and never once did I correlate it to her behavior. I just couldn't escape my reality, but I kept literally telling myself that if we move out, she will be happier and I will be to. She had always complained about her room and her dirty family. Well that was the last two months. The arguments still continued about every other day. We had even signed up for a Chemistry class together. She had some issues with the school the second week that I helped her fix. Afterwards I showed her how we got from point A of "the world is crashing down, screw school" to point B of "We fixed it. Now was it that hard?". She was so grateful that I swooped in and saved her. At the beginning of the end, she was texting me a million times a day. I would tell her I'm in the garage or try to let her know what my day was filled with. That was never good enough. She would expect me to tell her "hey I'm going to be doing _____ for the next 2 hours. I can't talk but I will text you when I'm done". I thought that was a little ridiculous at the time still completely oblivious to BPD or narcissism. Well I eventually started feeling the effects of the gaslamping. I lost my anger and yelled like I had never yelled before on two occasions. I did not know how I was in those moments. I had so much anger that I had to get out. She kept asserting that she doesn't deserve this and for me to tone it down. I later apologized and explained that I was really stressed out and all of this extra emotion from her wasn't helping me. Well the final new argument to surface was her saying she wants to move to Seattle (from Texas) and study a new degree up there. She asked if I would go with her. I obviously said no because I have commitments here such as MY schooling and MY family. She fought that tooth and nail. I felt it was insanely impulsive. Her mom agreed with her 100% and I was confused once again? Well the final day came. I was with her the night before we broke up and she was sad. I asked her about it and that she said that she wasn't feeling good about the relationship, but that we would work it out. She backed off on the moving in together and said that I obviously did not want to and it was fine. That she was going to move to Seattle on her own. I questioned it because I was so confused? I went home and thought nothing of it. The next morning she texted me that we need to talk. So that night I had my game face on. We met at Starbucks and I was the one telling her that I had a problem with everything. I gave her an altimatum to think about and give me an answer in the morning that we either go to relationship counceling or this relationship was over. She said that "we're just in the dating phase and we're having this many problems." That we are just wrong for each other. The whole time she cried and panicked. I felt so bad. She told me how much she loved me and that she would always love me. I ended up getting sucked in hook line and sinker. I tried to make her feel better and that we could somehow fix this to which she declined. I literally did a 180 in my head. The next few days were silent. I did not hear from her. I asked her mom about her and she gave me a story about how broken up she was. That she was a wreck. She NEVER not once asked how I was in the year and a half. I brought over all the stuff that she ever gave me and gave it back to her. All the gifts and memories. She thought I was only bringing over a couple of her shirts, but I had to get rid of it all. It felt like my selfconcious telling me you need to get rid of all of this stuff because you are needing to heal more than you think instead of seeing this stuff everyday. I did not have the heart to throw it all away. When I texted her telling her I left it next to her door, she was completely normal. She wasn't broken up about it at all. Then she saw all the gifts... .She flipped out through texts. I explained that I loved those gifts but that I couldn't bare to see them everyday because I loved her so much. She then randomly stopped replying. A couple weeks went by and everything hadn't hit me yet. I immediately saw a therapist(mom recommended), I started working out again, and my friends tried to keep me busy. I still hadn't heard from her. Well here in Texas we got hit by the flooding. I had to drive by her neighborhood that morning to get to a doctors appointment like I do every Monday. I saw that her neighborhood was flooded and houses had water about two feet above the ground. Basically into the doorway of the houses. I immediately texted her asking if her family was ok and if she needed anything. She appreciated me asking, but that she was fine. She felt numb. After that she attempted to poke another argument. I tried to avoid this conflict and instead tried to diffuse it. She then said I texted her as an excuse to contact her which was not true at all... .I told her I still cared about her and never got a response. The next week everything started setting in. I started feeling horrible. I started questioning everything and myself. I cried so much during that time. It felt so strange because I had never felt this bad about previous breakups. And that was when I lost myself... .I texted her asking if we could meet. She replied that she did not want to because last time, I was begging her to come back; that she didn't trust me(TRUST WAS ALWAYS AN ISSUE!) I gave in to EVERYTHING. I took all the blame. Everything that she had thrown at me over that period of time, I took it all on myself... .I told her she was right to break up with me and that I had so much I needed to work on myself. That I loved her so much and wanted all this grand future with her like she wanted. She replied that she didn't know what to say. That it was to late and it's done with now. That I should have gotten my head out of my rear when she was right in front of me. I was the one who told her to please block ME because my temptation was beyond reasonable in contacting her at this point. I found myself creeping everyday on social media. It was ridiculously unhealthy... .She said she did not want to cut me out of her life. That a year and a half, she can't just forget about, but I insisted in cutting all contact. I ended up driving 2 hours away just crying and bashing myself for how terrible I had been. I had never felt that low in my life. I eventually came home that night and went to sleep exhausted and drained. It was the next day that I started googling my actions and analyzing everything. It was a diamond in the ruff... .I ended up randomly coming across BPD and I had no clue what Narcissism really was. I started reading and felt so disgusted... .All of these things, all of the little comments that were truly her manipulating me or projecting onto me, just remembering all the little comments now and realizing that it was all part of her plan. Like my emotions for her was the biggest con job of all time. All the "I love yous" and everything... .It was all make believe. It has been a week since then and I have gone through two books on BPD and plan to discuss all of this with my therapist and show her my findings about her and myself. I have mainly discovered a lot about myself. I do believe that I also share a few traits and always have. I do experience the pedestal, then clinginess, then just numb in every relationship I have ever been in. Not to an extreme level, but it is there. Raising your voice has also always been a staple in my family as well and that has unhealthily stuck with me to this day. I also bounced from one relationship to the next one when one failed and I don't think it ever allowed me to heal from my previous abusive relationship... .  Am I empathetic and rational? Yes, 100%, but I have indeed always felt that emptiness inside me. Maybe it's just depression, but it has always stuck with me. Right now, I think she has moved on to another guy already. I just can't believe it. My mind is blown. Two of her blood brothers are bipolar and addicts and to believe she is unscathed would be impossible. Her dad divorced when she was 12. She does have two adopted brothers and I am contemplating on reaching out to one and explaining my side of the story and asking him to confront her about her emotional wellbeing. I don't know what she has told him, but he is in the Navy and living a very healthy life. I'm a Marine so obviously there was a mutual respect between us. I just don't know what his reaction would be and if it would be a good idea. It's like seeing a train about to crash and you are wanting to tell someone about it, but you're fearing they will think you are the crazy one... .

At this point, I have gone back and forth asking myself if I am losing it. Am I the crazy one? I can't sit here and give you an honest answer... .For the past week I have kept my loaded weapon under my bed actually out of fear of the unknown. I am SOMEWHAT manipulative in arguments as I tend to try and push and pull it the way I want it to go, but this just blew my mind. I have self evaluated myself my entire life definitely more than others and feel my emotions confidently, and to think that someone was able to chew me up and spit me out so easily? I still can't fathom it all? I have decided that I am just going to keep moving forward with my goals and steer clear of dating for a bit... .Like I said I use to bounce between relationships, but this one seriously rocked my boat, and I need to recover from it in a healthy manner and truly spend dig deep... .

Thanks again. I know this was extremely long, I do apologize.

[once removed]

hi jhill114 and

im very sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but im glad you found us; i think youre in the right place. im confident many members can relate to your story. i can certainly relate to several aspects, from fighting daily (often preceded by something like "i have a question... ." as well as to your argument style (i can relate to yours and suspect my ex can relate to hers) and even doing a 180, seeing my life fall apart and desperately wanting out, only to take all the blame, being dumped anyway, and suddenly throwing her on a pedestal.

these are highly charged and volatile relationships that take a real toll as you have experienced  . there is a silver lining in that we can experience growth, and go on to have happy, healthy relationships that in ways may have been less available to us before. i do encourage you to dig in as youre doing, this is a great place to do it. have you had an opportunity to read through the lessons (links) to the right? i would also encourage you to read our article on Surviving a Breakup When Your Partner has Borderline Personality  

seeing a therapist will be invaluable to your journey, im glad youre able to work through all of this with one. are you being treated for the depression and anxiety?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey jhill114, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  Sorry to hear what you've been through.  Many of us have had similar experiences, believe me, so you are not alone.  BPD is a terrible disorder that is extremely complex and difficult to comprehend, so go easy on yourself.  Do you have any particular questions for us?

LuckyJim

[jhill114]

Thank you for the warm welcome y'all. I am focusing on myself and catching up on my business. I did read the article and it was really informative and answered a few of my questions. I do though have one question that is burning in my side... .My ex is undiagnosed... .Mental illness runs in her family with her two brothers who are bipolar and also her father who has not been in the picture since she was 12. I cannot pinpoint her mother though... .Something is also "off", but I can't figure her out. Her mother has always been numb to me. Anyway, I feel a strong urge to communicate my findings to someone in her family. The relationship is over and I have accepted that. I cannot fix someone nor do I need to put myself through that, but it wouldn't be fair to not open up about it right? Her friends think I'm the worst person in the world and will side with her regardless of the truth which is beyond unhealthy. Is there anything I can do without being too intrusive/rude/stalkish? It's just eating me up at this point and I truly feel bad for her at this point... .

[Lucky Jim]

Anyway, I feel a strong urge to communicate my findings to someone in her family.

Hey jhill114, I suspect many of us, myself included, have felt like doing this.  Nevertheless, I think it's a bad idea, on many levels.  Her family, I suspect, will resent you for raising an issue that they would prefer to keep quiet.  Also, they will question your motives, I expect, and will assume you are trying to bash your Ex (I understand that this is not your intent, but they won't see that).  Finally, it's not really your place at this point to make this sort of pronouncement on their family member.  In short, suggest you decline to follow this urge.

LuckyJim