No one has ever threatened to murder me... until last night.

[GoingBack2OC]

So 3 days ago I posted on the forum I was going to be taking a break from the site, not to get away from the community but just spend some time trying to clear my head. To distance myself from the term BPD, a term I had never even heard of until I was well into our 5 year relationship; and after having labeled her in my mind so many other things just not understanding what was really wrong with her (Narcissist, Possible Aspergers Spectrum, Schizoid).

Well to cut to the chase, I needed to come back today... .yesterday I ended up exchanging texts with her, and I mentioned she could join up with a group of friends, we were getting together in the evening for a bite to eat.

She agreed, but, unlike her (she actually despite her BPD, typically does follow through if she says she will show up; albeit late, very late), she didn't show. Or call, or text. Nothing.

So I sent a few texts, all very nice, just at first saying are you still coming/we're getting ready to wrap up. If shes ok, etc.

By 11:30pm, I decided to just drive down to her place to see if I could see if she was up. Her lights were all off, so I tried to call, no answer, sent a text I was there, and left. Getting home, and after a midnight snack, I sent just a short text saying "Hey just worried want to make sure you're ok; it's not normally like you to just not show, or call or text. If you could, send me a text back even if it's late, just to let me know you're ok".

She texted right back. She was in a "mood", I could tell, which is now-a-days the norm. I said "Call?" as I am not a fan of texting. So she did.

A 10 minute conversation, in which she went from grumpy and annoyed, "Im going back to sleep", to absolutely nuts.

I mean, she went on a rampage, I guess set off, by me asking:  "Babe are you ok? I mean, you're under a lot of stress, what's wrong, like really, what's going on?".

Wrong question.

She just went hysterical, I couldnt get a word in. 5 minutes of me listening and occasionally saying "May I please say something"... .She has an ingrown toenail... .My fault. (Not joking).  Her foot is throbbing, if not for me, she'd be asleep and fine.  Her life is a nightmare. (My fault).  She lost her job. (My fault I expect too much of her).  She is broke. (My fault - yet she just got back from an 8 day vacation with a girlfriend/without me.) Long story short, a million problems, one cause- me.

So I am trying to calm her down, and it ends in her disconnecting the call.

I text back, all very concerned, loving, statements: Are you ok? I'm worried, you seem more than normal upset... .That sort of thing.

She then goes into a "I hate you I don't care about you at all etc etc etc" phase.

BUT... .

Then she said:  

HER:      If you come down here I will kill you I swear.

HER:     I'm drugged up enough to do it I assure you, and get away with it.

ME:   Babe... .you are scaring me right now.

HER:   That is the point. You should be scared.

HER:   I don't want you in my life. I don't have a life. My life reminds me of you. Even my f'ing toe.

ME:    I'm calling the police.

ME:    I am not ok with death threats, especially in writing. (Something about seeing it written really scared me- as opposed to I guess spoken, where inflection can hint at sarcasm, etc). But she was not joking in any way by the tone of these texts.

ME:  I am afraid right now, for me and for your own safety.

HER:  The threat is only if you come here against my will. (Now I am more scared... .it's being thought out by her)

ME:   Please calm down.

HER:  I am very calm.

So by this point on the phone with the city police dept. They ask me to read the texts which I do. Being it was Monday night at 2am, of course the cops are bored, and the entire batallion shows up.

She I guess saw the lights from her unit, and made a dash for the gym. Well they sent in the cops, with dogs, for drugs (I simply read the texts... .turns out she was "drugged" on Advil and Antibiotics, and now down at the gym working out.

The dispatch called me. They couldnt get her to open the door. I told them she was aware that they were there, based on her texts. I texted her. She told me she was in the gym.

I told them, I guess she left... .and basically a short cat and mouse game ensued with me on the phone with dispatch, and me texting her saying "Babe, I made it CLEAR I am not filing charges, I was incredibly scared and worried, told them no filings, but that I felt a unit should go over and check on you... .You were hysterical, and threatened to kill me.".

I kept saying, just go talk to them, you need to talk to them... .they are not going away at this point... .(I guess by this time there were a LOT of cops and dogs searching this giant apartment complex).

She's hysterical, texting me she's shaking uncontrollably, crying, hiding in a hallway, I'm trying to be as gentle as possible, saying I asked them only for a welfare check to make sure you were ok. You are not in trouble. Just go talk to them, tell them you are ok.

She's begging me to call them and call it off. I explain-- I don't think that's possible at this point. You need to go to an officer and just explain, let them see you are ok, that it was an upset moment, you need to calm down".

In the end, due to the drug comment, (which I didnt give a whole lot of thought to as I read the texts to dispatch), they took it as "hard drugs" I am sure.  She actually isnt at all a drug user (to my knowledge). But again, I was shaken, and just read the string of texts, saying I didnt want to file charges, but she needed to be checked on. She was waaaay worse then normal outbursts.

Finally, I hear back from her, a slew of horrid texts saying the cruelest things. How could I do that to her. I am a monster for doing that. (I guess they completely tossed her apartment due to the drug statement - which I feel bad about, because I know she doesnt do drugs).

I feel bad for her, but at the same time, it feels as though everything has shifted. In a strange way, I feel this morning so much less attached than I ever was. I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable sleeping with her in the same home. (I was 12 when the Loranna Bobbit case hit... .so anyone in their 30s remembers that and what scarring effects that had on us tweens).

She's said incredibly horrible things to me. Made it well known how useless, worthless, and pathetic I am. (Just things she says I am well aware she needs help). But saying she would kill me, then reinforcing it, then explaining the terms... .over multiple texts, with no hint of I'm joking... .very cold... .it shook me.

Lastly, this has only happened maybe a half dozen times in 5 years, but she has a "second personality" which rarely appears... .Is that common for BPD? Has anyone noticed that?

She called at the end, crying, sobbing, asking how I could do that to her. I calmly explained how she was acting, the things she said, that I care deeply about her well being, I was scared for her, etc. I was genuinly afraid for her, and me.

She was silent the whole time... .she let me speak. Then Personality 2 came in; I recognized it IMMEDIATELY. Same pattern as before- huge breakdown outburst, moment of willingness to listen for a moment... .her head turns up, dead cold eyes starting right at me... .cold monotone voice, cool as ice... .no emotion, tears stopped... .calm cool, very dark stare.

"I think you're 100% accurate. I think what you have said is true completely. I agree with you on all accounts. I need to go check into a clinic. So I am going to let you go now. Is that ok with you?"

But understand, the tone, was dark, very very dark. I have only seen this personality show a few times. And she NEVER remembers what she says (I've brought it up - "I never said that" "I have never even heard of that".

It's like all of the sudden she's speaking French, then 2 minutes later, its gone... .she doesnt even know French... .Like possessed.

Anyways, I know this all sounds crazy. It was. It is.

Feel free to weigh in, especially I am curious about the 2nd personality, this immediate shift from sobbing how could you victimize me to cold icy, agreeing, almost as if planning in the back of her head at the same time something vindictive". It's hard to explain.  Is that seen often with BPD?

Regardless, I am going to steer clear of her. I need to think whether or not I should file any formal papers. I am not looking for trouble, nor to cause her trouble. And it's on "non-record" that I did call the police, so theres at least some sort of record it happened (just not one that would show up in case searches).

Any advice, I'm all ears. One hell of a night. THAT... .was a first.

[Herodias]

I hate to say it, but you should have backed down in the beginning when she said she was in a mood. Usually they project all of their problems onto you, so most of her statements I could tell, she was talking about herself... .Look back at what you wrote and read the things she said were your fault... .really, they are hers. When someone says they are own a mood, I would just say that let me know if you need to talk, I will let you have your space. My ex always wanted his space. I think they need to deal with their problems on their own sometimes and when you push to help-It becomes your fault. Sorry you went through all of that, but maybe now you see it's best not to push. You even drove there to see how she was... .you are coming off a bit obsessed in my opinion. Believe me, I have been there. I just have learned not to push people from my experiences in doing so. Just my opinion though... .Be safe. I have had death threats and the cold stare too. I have had a gun held to me, knives and my life threatened. They are capable of it, and it does get worse overtime you accept this behavior and go back around them. They respect you less and they act out worse and worse each time. Don't blame yourself- this is her problem. I would stay clear of her.

[GoingBack2OC]

I hate to say it, but you should have backed down in the beginning when she said she was in a mood. Usually they project all of their problems onto you, so most of her statements I could tell, she was talking about herself... .Look back at what you wrote and read the things she said were your fault... .really, they are hers. When someone says they are own a mood, I would just say that let me know if you need to talk, I will let you have your space. My ex always wanted his space. I think they need to deal with their problems on their own sometimes and when you push to help-It becomes your fault. Sorry you went through all of that, but maybe now you see it's best not to push. You even drove there to see how she was... .you are coming off a bit obsessed in my opinion. Believe me, I have been there. I just have learned not to push people from my experiences in doing so. Just my opinion though... .Be safe. I have had death threats and the cold stare too. I have had a gun held to me, knives and my life threatened. They are capable of it, and it does get worse overtime you accept this behavior and go back around them. They respect you less and they act out worse and worse each time. Don't blame yourself- this is her problem. I would stay clear of her.

I think that's the first time I have ever gone there because she wasnt responding. But I didnt push, I checked to see if it looked like she was up... .then I'd know she was just doing the silent treatment. I've gone weeks of her being no response, none, and never driven down and pushed. (I think once after she broke up just to give her a few things).

So not sure it's obsessed. It was just really strange she confirmed she would come up for the dinner, and 2 hours later, no show, no call, no text. The timing was too close, and there had been no disagreement.

She's been doing worse, like going downhill, so by 11:30pm, I was actually kind of like "this is odd". Had we argued, or had she not committed to the 7:30p dinner at 5:00pm, I wouldnt have.

But yea, I am aware, that I naturally tend to be "the one who wants to help/care" for someone hurting, and that BPDs need space, which I always have a hard time accepting.

Dont mean to over justify my point. She did 15 days of NC no response just 4 weeks ago, and I didnt call once after she said leave me alone.

Again, it was just odd, she had just committed... .said see you soon. Then nothing. That is out of the ordinary.

[GoingBack2OC]

I hate to say it, but you should have backed down in the beginning when she said she was in a mood. Usually they project all of their problems onto you, so most of her statements I could tell, she was talking about herself... .Look back at what you wrote and read the things she said were your fault... .really, they are hers. When someone says they are own a mood, I would just say that let me know if you need to talk, I will let you have your space. My ex always wanted his space. I think they need to deal with their problems on their own sometimes and when you push to help-It becomes your fault. Sorry you went through all of that, but maybe now you see it's best not to push. You even drove there to see how she was... .you are coming off a bit obsessed in my opinion. Believe me, I have been there. I just have learned not to push people from my experiences in doing so. Just my opinion though... .Be safe. I have had death threats and the cold stare too. I have had a gun held to me, knives and my life threatened. They are capable of it, and it does get worse overtime you accept this behavior and go back around them. They respect you less and they act out worse and worse each time. Don't blame yourself- this is her problem. I would stay clear of her.

But I do take your advice seriously, and good points. Thank you.

Aside from maybe pushing for her to open up too much (I just could see she was melting down), did I go too far calling the police?

I've never in my life had someone threaten to kill me. It was frightening, and it still scares me. At that moment, when she said it; I was shaking. Just the way she said it, reinforced it. Not used to that. At all.

[Herodias]

I may have done it too and have had to because he had a gun to me! They don;t like the law involved and now you are an even bigger threat because of that. If she is anything like mine. He totally resents my calling the police on him! Sometimes you have to. It does set up a boundary. It was good for you if you are planning to get out of this. Not good if you wanted to stay. I really think you need to see where this is headed and just stop. As hard as that is. I still have my moments and I am a year and a few months out. You just need time to heal. Look at yourself and why you want to "help" people. I am struggling with this even with friendships right now. learning to live and let live. Work on you- most "normal" people I am told would not get near a person like this. We keep asking for it. Figure out why and move on. You can't help her. She has hit a downward spiral and needs to learn some things herself. I know, you want to be her savior because you were the one she always ran to. I can't believe my ex isn't running to me after he put me on that pedestal for so long. Be glad... .when they get dangerous like this, there is no going back- it just gets abusive. The domestic violence people will tell you. Find some co-dependancy groups in your area for help if you can.

[GoingBack2OC]

I may have done it too and have had to because he had a gun to me! They don;t like the law involved and now you are an even bigger threat because of that. If she is anything like mine. He totally resents my calling the police on him! Sometimes you have to. It does set up a boundary. It was good for you if you are planning to get out of this. Not good if you wanted to stay. I really think you need to see where this is headed and just stop. As hard as that is. I still have my moments and I am a year and a few months out. You just need time to heal. Look at yourself and why you want to "help" people. I am struggling with this even with friendships right now. learning to live and let live. Work on you- most "normal" people I am told would not get near a person like this. We keep asking for it. Figure out why and move on. You can't help her. She has hit a downward spiral and needs to learn some things herself. I know, you want to be her savior because you were the one she always ran to. I can't believe my ex isn't running to me after he put me on that pedestal for so long. Be glad... .when they get dangerous like this, there is no going back- it just gets abusive. The domestic violence people will tell you. Find some co-dependancy groups in your area for help if you can.

I appreciate the advice, really. I am going to just let it go. Not contact her moving forward from now. I do realize she needs help, and I am not the one who can help her.

This is my 3rd major relationship, I'm in my mid 30s. I'd never had experience with BPD before. I read the article on this site's main page describing BPD victims.

I think she caught me at the right time. I had broken up with my ex about 7-8 months before. We shared 4 awesome years together, but she didnt want children, ever, I did. It was a dealbreaker. But overall my other 2 relationships were healthy, we just grew in different directions. (First from 18-22, second from 25-30ish).

So I was in a way still mourning the loss of my best friend, but knew we made the right choice to cut it off. We were both broken hearted. She came along, and was everything I wanted, etc.

So I fell in. The idealization phase actually lasted a good 16 months. I think partly because I was always working and traveling, leaving her for lots of alone time. Its when I stopped the traveling, was home a lot more, thats where the conflict started.

By that point, I was in love. But I realize I'm somewhat co-dependent. But I'm mid-30s, I'd like a family. Kids, before it's too late. I had a good childhood, great parents, never abused. This was in some ways a blindsiding incident for me. I was easy prey, having never experienced manipulation and abuse before.

Thanks for your input, I appreciate it.

[WoundedBibi]

I do think you pushed her as you texted her and texted her and texted her even when she did not reply. If the roles were reversed, let's say a girl you were not interested in after a date and she kept texting you, you would label her as 'pushy'.

But in the end I think it is a good thing you pushed and that you called the police.

You now have seen what she is capable of and they have a record of her.

I hope you really are going to really go NC now. Not the NC you have been doing where you went back after a few weeks to talk, to discuss, to get an explanation, to get an apology, to have dinner, to go out, to discuss selling your condo. Because it keeps getting you where you are already: attached and heartbroken.

She cannot explain her behaviour to you, you will have to figure it out without her. She will never apologize to you. You need to forgive yourself. She will never give you closure. You need to give you closure. Start detaching, start healing. She is not part of getting detached, she is not part of your healing, she is not part of your future.

The girl you fell in love with never really existed. Let her go. Don't contact her again. Have you now really understood that she is unhealthy for you if not unsafe?

[Hadlee]

Lastly, this has only happened maybe a half dozen times in 5 years, but she has a "second personality" which rarely appears... .Is that common for BPD? Has anyone noticed that?

... .her head turns up, dead cold eyes starting right at me... .cold monotone voice, cool as ice... .no emotion, tears stopped... .calm cool, very dark stare.

I have seen that too - a few times.  It was quite unsettling to witness.  I'll never forget the *crazy eyes*.  I'm no expert, but I wonder if that's when they disassociate?

I also agree with the other comments in that it seems you pushed things with her.  It's understandable as you were so concerned.  I'm certainly not condoning how she treated you, which was poor, however she was most likely frightened to know the cops were chasing her.

Maybe next time (if there is a next time), just leave her sort out her mood on her own.

It's tough and I'm sorry you went through that.

[Confused108]

Hmm my ex told me she wanted to put a pillow over my face and she claimed she was just kidding! Yea scary anyway is she still your GF? If your broken yup with her and you do now realize how sick she really is let her go. I know you love her and care. Hey we all did that's why we are here but my friend she will NOT get better unless she wants too. You will always be the one who makes her feel like this and that= Projection. Stay clear of her. Go NC. I mean I learned the hard way. I'm done. Does it hurt like hell= Yea it does . Do I still love my ex = yup but I have come to terms with how mentally ill she is and that we will never have a life together. Ever. Let her go.

[Visitor]

Jesus Christ I feel suffocated just reading your story. You constantly text her and even drove to her house very late at night and pestered her. I'm sorry to side with your ex but I feel your behavior was enough to make the Buddha explode, let alone a person suffering BPD.

Her idle threats of killing you were nothing more than you pushing here too much and her wanting to be left alone. There was nothing serious about them at all.

Calling the police was not a good decision but people do these kinds of things in the midst of heart break.

You may have well and truly burned your bridge on this one but maybe that's the best way to do it. Go out all guns blazing!    

[Indyan]

I too learnt my lesson: we cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped... .

It is a long and painful process to give up helping them and "opening their eyes" and to focus on OURSELVES.

Have no remorse, believe me in the near future she'll have none.

Also, they thrive on our despair/concern, and the more you show it, the more they push us away and despise us.

[LostInMemories]

She was silent the whole time... .she let me speak. Then Personality 2 came in; I recognized it IMMEDIATELY. Same pattern as before- huge breakdown outburst, moment of willingness to listen for a moment... .her head turns up, dead cold eyes starting right at me... .cold monotone voice, cool as ice... .no emotion, tears stopped... .calm cool, very dark stare.

"I think you're 100% accurate. I think what you have said is true completely. I agree with you on all accounts. I need to go check into a clinic. So I am going to let you go now. Is that ok with you?"

But understand, the tone, was dark, very very dark. I have only seen this personality show a few times. And she NEVER remembers what she says (I've brought it up - "I never said that" "I have never even heard of that".

I can 100% relate to this. My ex had exactly the same ' 2nd personality'. Dark, with no emotion whatsoever. I only ever saw this 2nd personality about 4 or 5 times during our 2 year relationship, and obviously when she broke up 30 minutes after telling me how much she adored me. She was so calm, looking at me woth not a single emotion, just calmly telling me that she had just lost every single feeling for me and never wanted anything to do with me again. Not a single tear, after 2 years of being extremely close, and me basically keeping her from killing herself (she told me so many times I was the only reason she was still willing to live). It seems like she is stuck in this '2nd personality' now, cuz any effort I make in trying to work things out result in the same ___. As far as I know this is what borderline is all about, having 'multiple personalities', at least it's very common (If i read the many threads). So yeah I can 100% relate, it's hard to put that experience into words until you've actually experienced it. It's scary as hell

[Confused108]

She was silent the whole time... .she let me speak. Then Personality 2 came in; I recognized it IMMEDIATELY. Same pattern as before- huge breakdown outburst, moment of willingness to listen for a moment... .her head turns up, dead cold eyes starting right at me... .cold monotone voice, cool as ice... .no emotion, tears stopped... .calm cool, very dark stare.

"I think you're 100% accurate. I think what you have said is true completely. I agree with you on all accounts. I need to go check into a clinic. So I am going to let you go now. Is that ok with you?"

But understand, the tone, was dark, very very dark. I have only seen this personality show a few times. And she NEVER remembers what she says (I've brought it up - "I never said that" "I have never even heard of that".

I can 100% relate to this. My ex had exactly the same ' 2nd personality'. Dark, with no emotion whatsoever. I only ever saw this 2nd personality about 4 or 5 times during our 2 year relationship, and obviously when she broke up 30 minutes after telling me how much she adored me. She was so calm, looking at me woth not a single emotion, just calmly telling me that she had just lost every single feeling for me and never wanted anything to do with me again. Not a single tear, after 2 years of being extremely close, and me basically keeping her from killing herself (she told me so many times I was the only reason she was still willing to live). It seems like she is stuck in this '2nd personality' now, cuz any effort I make in trying to work things out result in the same ___. As far as I know this is what borderline is all about, having 'multiple personalities', at least it's very common (If i read the many threads). So yeah I can 100% relate, it's hard to put that experience into words until you've actually experienced it. It's scary as hell

YES! I had thought I was dealing with 2 different ppl with my ex. The good and the bad. She would become this "different" person when she became ready to "end" things with me. I swear I was dealing with a complete stranger. I have been told by a Dr that they can tend to have a "split personality" and also suffer from BPD. Not all but some. I even made a thread here about it. And if that really is the case and some of our exs were split also wow run and run fast!