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Author Topic: Houston, we have contact  (Read 1083 times)
blackbirdsong
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« on: April 27, 2016, 02:32:29 PM »

Ok, so my dBPDexgf contacted me.

Considering all the stories here, I must admit that I expected it. But... .Not under these circumstances... .

Short intro: We broke up 6 months ago, 2 months after I left and strict NC, we had some sort of closure talk. I told her that I have learned a lot about BPD, admitted my part of responsibility for bad parts of our r/s. She didn't do that part, but I didn't even expect that considering the "victim mode". She wanted to continue the r/s but I declined.

We were in very LC for few days and then NC started again.

First, few days ago, my friends told me that she posted something on her social network account that is very meaningful for our r/s. A reference to something that was very important for both of us with small text that only she and I know about. Through this message it is obvious that she is sad and wants to be "as it used to be". So, it was directed at me, 100% - it is very personal message. She knew that I cannot see this because I blocked her after breakup so that I don't see her posts. But I guess she counted on our mutual friends to tell me this.

Then, today I received a message, very short, basically asking how am I doing?

But, I know that she is in contact with one guy (she doesn't know that I know this), I am not sure if they are in an official r/s, but they are not "just friends".

Now, I am observing my feelings. If she only wanted to contact me and break NC, I would understand this and politely answer, without any wish to recycle the r/s. But now when I know that she is seeing someone, but again contacting me + playing on emotional card (social network post - I repeat, it is something very emotional with still great meaning to me, obviosly not for her if she manipulates with this) I am actually angry. I am thinking to just ignore her message... .

But it really makes me wonder, why would she do this. It is ultimate disrespect:

to the guy she is seeing

to me

and at the end to herself... .

 
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Confused108
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« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2016, 03:35:24 PM »

Yea it is total disrespect to you and if she is dating another guy as well. Remember it's all about them. It's not about you or the other guy.  I have come to realize just how slick and cunning these types of ppl with BPD really are. Do you know 100% that she is really seeing someone? If she is and you do know for sure I would blast her with that! I would let her know you know Exactley what's going on! And how dare she disrespect you with the private info you share btw eachother. Or you could just ignore her. Good Luck!
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blackbirdsong
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« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2016, 03:44:15 PM »

Yea it is total disrespect to you and if she is dating another guy as well. Remember it's all about them. It's not about you or the other guy.  I have come to realize just how slick and cunning these types of ppl with BPD really are. Do you know 100% that she is really seeing someone? If she is and you do know for sure I would blast her with that! I would let her know you know Exactley what's going on! And how dare she disrespect you with the private info you share btw eachother. Or you could just ignore her. Good Luck!

Yes, I know that she is seeing that guy. I don't know how serious it is, but I know that.

At first, I wanted to challenge her with this info, but then again - I don't want to deal with these childish games.

I don't even want to have this type of conversation with her. What is the point, really? She is ill, I know that from before, she is emotionally unstable... .

But the thing that hurts me, is that she used something very special to me for emotional manipulation. And that really hurts... .

I know that she is emotionally unstable, but I never taught that she would cross this line. I am just sad now and I think that I won't even respond.

I am in therapy, and actually I had a session today and T told me that I made a really great progress. And I am proud of that, I am on a good path and I am confident that things will be even better each day, but this just made me sad... .Like she spitted on something beautiful. And even worse, I know that this thing is also special to her but she misused it... .Never mind, I am only a human, so being sad is OK sometimes Smiling (click to insert in post)

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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2016, 03:59:48 PM »

Yea it is total disrespect to you and if she is dating another guy as well. Remember it's all about them. It's not about you or the other guy.  I have come to realize just how slick and cunning these types of ppl with BPD really are. Do you know 100% that she is really seeing someone? If she is and you do know for sure I would blast her with that! I would let her know you know Exactley what's going on! And how dare she disrespect you with the private info you share btw eachother. Or you could just ignore her. Good Luck!

Yes, I know that she is seeing that guy. I don't know how serious it is, but I know that.

At first, I wanted to challenge her with this info, but then again - I don't want to deal with these childish games.

I don't even want to have this type of conversation with her. What is the point, really? She is ill, I know that from before, she is emotionally unstable... .

But the thing that hurts me, is that she used something very special to me for emotional manipulation. And that really hurts... .

I know that she is emotionally unstable, but I never taught that she would cross this line. I am just sad now and I think that I won't even respond.

I am in therapy, and actually I had a session today and T told me that I made a really great progress. And I am proud of that, I am on a good path and I am confident that things will be even better each day, but this just made me sad... .Like she spitted on something beautiful. And even worse, I know that this thing is also special to her but she misused it... .Never mind, I am only a human, so being sad is OK sometimes Smiling (click to insert in post)

I wouldn't respond. Like you said, there is no point.

Not in throwing the info on the guy in her face nor the use of the special thing. She wouldn't understand where you are coming from.

I understand it makes you feel really really sad though 
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Sadly
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« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2016, 04:03:15 PM »

Hello you,  for your sadness.   for your strength   for you to be proud of yourself for doing so well. x
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blackbirdsong
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« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2016, 04:26:52 PM »

I understand it makes you feel really really sad though 

Hello you,  for your sadness.   for your strength   for you to be proud of yourself for doing so well. x

Thank you! Smiling (click to insert in post)
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ScotisGone74
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« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2016, 05:06:03 PM »

In reality what would responding accomplish for you?   Would your response teach her a lesson or show her the hurt she s caused you?     Not hardly, she would not understand either one.       Bpd s dont understand causing other people pain, they are too busy basking in their own internal misery.      Big high five to you for not responding. 
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patientandclear
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« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2016, 05:53:09 PM »

When my ex really wanted to get through to an intimate level with me emotionally, he would inquire about a family member of mine who is very ill. He never met this person because he bailed at the first hurdle. So the level of concern and interest made no sense. I always wanted it to mean he really cared a lot about me. I've concluded it was a means to an end. That sucks, for the reasons you're saying. I'm sorry.
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AndrewS
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« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2016, 06:01:25 PM »

Don't reply Blackbirdsong. It can't go anywhere good. I let the xupwBPD recontact a few times and it killed me. Now she is with another guy and flaunting it in front of me. I think she wants to hurt me because I stopped responding to her evil games. Unfortunately we live very close so I see her being all flirty and sexy with him when for the last 2 years she pushed me further and further away but had me support and do everything for her. Respond at your own peril.
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Ahoy
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« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2016, 06:29:16 PM »

Yea it is total disrespect to you and if she is dating another guy as well. Remember it's all about them. It's not about you or the other guy.  I have come to realize just how slick and cunning these types of ppl with BPD really are. Do you know 100% that she is really seeing someone? If she is and you do know for sure I would blast her with that! I would let her know you know Exactley what's going on! And how dare she disrespect you with the private info you share btw eachother. Or you could just ignore her. Good Luck!

Yes, I know that she is seeing that guy. I don't know how serious it is, but I know that.

At first, I wanted to challenge her with this info, but then again - I don't want to deal with these childish games.

I don't even want to have this type of conversation with her. What is the point, really? She is ill, I know that from before, she is emotionally unstable... .

But the thing that hurts me, is that she used something very special to me for emotional manipulation. And that really hurts... .

I know that she is emotionally unstable, but I never taught that she would cross this line. I am just sad now and I think that I won't even respond.

I am in therapy, and actually I had a session today and T told me that I made a really great progress. And I am proud of that, I am on a good path and I am confident that things will be even better each day, but this just made me sad... .Like she spitted on something beautiful. And even worse, I know that this thing is also special to her but she misused it... .Never mind, I am only a human, so being sad is OK sometimes Smiling (click to insert in post)

Not to give you a big head but I have a lot of respect for you and you have a lot of wisdom that I have personally learned from you in your posts.

I'm terrified of a similar thing happening to me in 6/12/18 months. I like your thoughts and reactions to this and I think once again this reply shows a lot of wisdom. I think you are well on your way to emotional healthiness and finding the right partner for you.

I don't think you will get sucked back in, you have simply come too far!
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Notsurewhattothinkofthis
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« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2016, 02:18:28 PM »

Don't reply Blackbirdsong. It can't go anywhere good. I let the xupwBPD recontact a few times and it killed me. Now she is with another guy and flaunting it in front of me. I think she wants to hurt me because I stopped responding to her evil games. Unfortunately we live very close so I see her being all flirty and sexy with him when for the last 2 years she pushed me further and further away but had me support and do everything for her. Respond at your own peril.

Agree with this 100%. Ignore her blackbirdsong and let her leave her life. You live yours and find ways to become better and stronger and drama free.

AndrewS -  By her Flaunting her new man and pretending to be so happy is a big lie, a mask. This poor soul will be in the same predicament you are in now. Think of her behavior this way. Mine is doing exactly the same thing right now,  but I know what its coming to him. They post all these happy pictures on Facebook and all social media but inside they are really hurting.

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JQ
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« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2016, 03:12:31 PM »

Hey Blackbird,

You've received a lot of good guidance here and I would echo it. You've come so far in such a short period of time why would you want to take a step backwards knowing the crazy train roller coaster is waiting for you at the station?  Answering her text, phone call, email, IM will only let her flying monkey's out of their cages. Nothing good will come from you answering her. She's probing you, to see if you're still weak, if she can again recycle you so that you can feed her need.

Remember all the stories you have seen page after page here in the forums. Remember the chaos, drama, the deceit, the recycling and everything else that would come with opening the cages to her flying monkey's ... .cue the flying monkey music    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SESI19h4wDo

If you challenge her with the information you have about the "other guy", or the Facebook note, she would as you and everyone on this post knows would manipulate the information that you have into something that would only benefit her. She's mentally ill and in the 6 plus months you've been NC,  it's very unlikely that she has seen a T or a Ph.d or an MD to reverse this physical condition that to date, surgery or meds cannot reverse.

I would respectfully ask your friend or others for that matter NOT to engage you in reference to your NOW exBPDgf.  I would maintain your NC because, I and everyone else here including you know without a doubt that this has helped you get to this point in your healing, your mental and physical improvement.  

Your thinking about your EX-BPDgf actions in a logical manner, STOP IT!   I have no doubt that somewhere in her broken brain that she does miss you just like our EX-BPD s/o misses us. But, the truth of the matter is, she feels extreme abandonment and perhaps her current r/s is showing signs of crumbling and she's trying to line up his replacement with you ... ."THE RECYCLE"!

Ask yourself, what has changed in her world to make you want to enter it again? Has she healed her BPD brain & her behavior is within social acceptable norms? It's good to hear that you're are aware & observing your feelings about this whole situation. This is a HUGE STEP!      It's ok to miss her, it's ok to feel sad as you do. We've all been there, it's much like morning the death of a loved one. You morn, & eventually you move forward in life without them.

On your journey you can consider this a slight stumble, we've all had them. So the group       is holding out our hands, pulling you back up, dusting you off. Now get your butt back on the path that you were on!      

You've done great! YOU'RE doing great!  you're a smart guy and can see what is happening!  The weekend is upon us, go get that burger & beer!  Go see a movie with a buddy and get out for a walk or a run!  

J

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blackbirdsong
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« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2016, 04:15:35 PM »

Wow people. Yesterday I posted this as a rant post but it really helped. Thank you all for your support! It really means a lot.

I can talk about this topic with my friends, and they can provide some sort of comfort that is also tremendously important for me, but with you I feel like I don't need to explain a lot.

Like, I can say: 'I am feeling bad!' and you already know what kind of 'bad' it is. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks again!

Yes, you all have right! This is my opinion too regarding replying... .

And, yes, I believe that I am on the right track, and this gives me additional strength. I believe being in official therapy procedure gives me also a great balance and iterative measurement of progress.

To be honest, the biggest challenge for me was to understand that she is ill and that her illness is not something that can be treated by using nice words and behaviors or any kind of medication. Also, maybe even harder was to accept my traits and issues. Admit them and realize that by having those traits and issues (from both sides) we cannot have healthy relationship, we cannot emotionally grow and establish truly emotional closeness. Because, although we we really 'connected' at the first glance, it was a fragile illusion... .And to accept that is very painful... .Really painful... .Smiling (click to insert in post)

I am not detached, but I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I believe that this is also a classic case of triangulation... .Probably (at least based on the things that I have learned about r/s with BPDs) something went south with her new boyfriend. And also, I believe a huge impact has the fact that I broke the r/s. BPDs often cannot accept that r/s didn't end under their circumstances (control issue), something that I already discussed with my T. For example, if they end the relationship, often out of nowhere, like in many cases with us on these boards, it is under their circumstances, they still have control. 'It is better that I leave them... .' rule. By practicing it, they absorb and diminish abandonment fear.  When you leave BPD person, abandonment issues are exponentially raised. They just cannot accept that someone doesn't want them. If they leave, they emulate the case that they don't want you, not the other way around.  

Although, when I review all the final things, I gave her enormous closure. I sincerely apologized for not validating her feelings in appropriate way. She really recognized that I spent a lot of time thinking what actually happened and learning about BPD r/s dynamic. She said that she was grateful for this because her ex partners think she is just a b***, not recognizing the BPD factor.

Someone mentioned therapy - actually she is in therapy but, at least that is my opinion, it is not BPD targeted therapy, it is for anxiety and depression symptoms. Actually, she isn't so dedicated to this (makes breaks, goes when BPD strikes back, usually in r/s). One of the reasons why I wanted to stay in r/s and represented a big factor against my final decision was the fact that she is in therapy. But now I see that this type of therapy is not helpful for BPD. I believe she goes there because her T validates her.

Small steps, together!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)


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AndrewS
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« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2016, 05:16:17 PM »

Notsurewhattothinkofthis - thanks mate. Every bit of support helps!
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JerryRG
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« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2016, 07:26:05 PM »

Hello blackbirdsong

I used to tell my exBPDgf that when and if she learns how to love she can look me up. I knew that would upset her but I couldn't make her well, I couldn't convince her to seek help, I couldn't love her into wellness, I tried harder than anything I've ever done before.

She needs long term treatment in a drug program, when she overdosed twice that is what I guggested be done for her when the doctors signed her into a mental hospital, she would be released within a few weeks and back home spinning in her dysfuntion. I offered AA, NA, Alanon and she attended one meeting, came home so alive and happy and never returned to another meeting.

My blood, sweat and tears were not enough and I finally had to accept I couldn't help her, she needed help, she asked for help but she just didn't want help.
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Dolphin123

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« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2016, 11:22:42 PM »

  . It's very tough when you have contact. I am not sure about how abusive and toxic this relationship was. But I feel like if you are not initiating contact and if they are only checking in, you can send a kind but firm text. Something like "great to hear from you. I am well... .Talk to you soon."  And then set good boundaries and keep the communication short.

If they get into things like "missing you" etc. just again kindly tell them, feelings are normal. But you guys are moving on now and it's best to respect each other and keep the distance.

I know these are all easier said than done. But unless there was abuse, or major disrespect in the relationship, choosing to leave someone in an adult relationship is fair. We are consenting adults. And these people naturally can be good people but very immature and having a hard time controlling emotions. They do not have the capacity. And most things happen unconciously.

I am not trying to protect or sugar coat. But healthy boundaries will last you longer then NC I think. I wouldn't initiate, and won't let my guard down. But also all ex's feel reminiscent and check back at times just to get attention.

If you feel like she still has control over you stay away and I would even kindly ask her to stay away. Otherwise, I would respond kindly, shortly but firmly.

Again I am new to these boards. So this is only my subjective opinion.
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JQ
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« Reply #16 on: April 29, 2016, 10:33:21 AM »

Hi Blackbird, Group,

Being in therapy to help you sort through everything in your life with BPD is a very good step in the process as most of us will testify too.   I also commend you in your search  to learn about yourself and accepting as you put your traits & issues. This is a HUGE step and you are to be commended for it!     It takes an incredibly strong person to look within themselves, their past, and search for the truth. You might not always like what you find, but accept it, learn from it and move forward in life much wiser.  Think about how many people go through life without such a deep dive on themselves and just go through life and not LIVE life. Well done!   

It's awesome to see how much you've learned & are sharing with the group. Triangulation, BPD abandonment issues, and recognizing them for how they manifest in a relationship and how they affect you.

My exBPDgf has been in & out of therapy for more then 25 yrs with Ph.d's, Clinical Therapist & Phycologist with little if any affect on her behavior. She is very much self aware, but like an addict cannot stop or control her behavior of cheating, raging, projecting, etc. A friend of mine is a Clinical Therapist and just yesterday was telling me that the best anyone can realistically expect from DBT therapy or mood stabilizing drugs is "management" on some level of their behavior.  Everyone is different and different types of DBT or other "talk Therapy" possibly with a combination of meds will affect everyone who suffers from BPD on a different level. Some respond better then others they said. But none are cured, it's up to the people around them if they are willing to accept the level of behavior modification they finally achieve, with a lifetime of continued therapy and mood stabilizing meds with the caveat that it's just might be a temporary behavior modification and not a permanent fix.

Like your exBPD, my exBPD recognized and acknowledge my effort to learn all that I could about BPD and the dynamics of the mental illness. She saw that I was really trying to do my part in order to make the r/s work, but like yours, she also recognized that she couldn't hold up her end of the r/s and told me so. One of those moments of clarity I would see from time to time.

The group is here to support you in whatever way we can because as you said, we know first hand the pain, chaos, drama, the unleashed flying monkey's that someone with BPD can unleash on their NONs.  Unless you've experienced it first hand, there is absolutely no way to really comprehend the emotional roller coaster that you or any of us here has ridden.

As you have pointed out Blackbird, baby steps, small short baby steps forward is still progress!     

J
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Notsurewhattothinkofthis
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« Reply #17 on: April 29, 2016, 11:38:46 AM »

Notsurewhattothinkofthis - thanks mate. Every bit of support helps!

All good Andrew.  Cheers

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Notsurewhattothinkofthis
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« Reply #18 on: April 29, 2016, 11:50:20 AM »

Wow people. Yesterday I posted this as a rant post but it really helped. Thank you all for your support! It really means a lot.

I can talk about this topic with my friends, and they can provide some sort of comfort that is also tremendously important for me, but with you I feel like I don't need to explain a lot.

Like, I can say: 'I am feeling bad!' and you already know what kind of 'bad' it is. Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thanks again!

That is why this community is great. We all have been there and it is really tough to get over these types of relationships. When you tell your family and friends they don't know how messed up our relationships are/were. Some friends see you as a weak individual and just tell you get over it but here we know it is more than that, we know that there is a deeper level of hurt that we only understand.

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