Devasted Beyond Repair

[Lollypop]

Hi there ray

Is the decision all down to you?

I'm not experienced at all in this but I can say categorically is that if I can't decide between something then I know that I haven't got sufficient information yet.

Can you visit and talk to them ? It seems to me really important

L

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

Ray

Why no to foster care? If she went to foster there must be other services as well no?

Where ever your dd goes I think it is important to have a good drug rehab program. It is impossible to help your dd if she is still doing drugs. Drugs are impacting the way she thinks and how she responses to problems. Take that away and she will be better equip to handle the mental illness component.

What is your gut telling you?

[raytamtay3]

She most definitely needs a drug program factored in to everything because I know for a fact it does contribute to an already existing problem.  She quit school because of it.  She stays out because of it.  Smoking pot was her life.  

[lbjnltx]

Choose the one that has the best program to help her.  Behavior modification programs (levels) don't have the best success with BPD traits in adolescents.

Do your research ray... .what are the qualifications of the staff?  How much group and what kind of group therapy will she have at each?  How much and what kind of individual therapy will she receive weekly? Is the program flexible enough to accommodate her needs?  How much freedom will she have and is it earned?  Is it co ed?   What is the disciplinary process for the program?

Is there family involvement to  help build a support system and accountability for  her when she finishes the program?  How much?  How often? What is the educational program like?  Can she earn her diploma there?

lbj

[raytamtay3]

I went to visit her last night as I hadn't had the opportunity to really talk to her about what happened and what's been going on.

She was on a roller coaster ride.  I'm the blame for putting her there. She didn't want to come home because when she did I would yell (not a yeller whatsoever) or not talk to her (untrue), or was always mad (true - and I told her what did she expect when she was coming home either in the wee hours of the morning and waking us up or not at all. Was I just suppose to be ok with that?).  She said how she had plans to get emancipated and I explained to her how it's not as easy as she thought and what the criteria was - none of which she had.

She told me about the girl she was hanging with.  She admitted to quitting her job after seeing how much she could make just escorting said friend on her escapades.  Both DH and I are concerned that once she is of age and out of the programs, that may be the life she chooses because now she isn't going to want to make minimum wage and work her way up like most of the general public does after getting a taste of the "rich life".  She told me that just to go out to dinner with those types of men as an escort 'her friend' would get paid $1,000.  Told me how they were staying in a luxury hotel with a Jacuzzi, etc.  Still contends she doesn't do heroine and was holding it for her friend who was planning on selling it because it was a bad batch... .Said how she's done acid, pot, Xanax and perks.  Asked if I believed her about everything she's telling me, and I told her quite frankly, no.  At that she got mad and said then I don't know why I'm bothering even telling you all this.  But then continued to tell me a lot of things anyway.

Told me I should have just let her go and live with the people she was hanging with as they were getting ready to get a place.  I explained that I am still legally responsible for her until she is 18 and that until than I am still going to do everything in my power to help her before I cannot any longer. She said as soon as she is she's just going to do what she wants anyway.  I said that's her decision but that it's an entirely different ballgame once she turns 18 and if she continues to do what she's doing.

She said how the dreamcatchers place was talking about foster care and how all that is is her going to a place like home.  I said well maybe they will have better success than I've had with her because clearly everything I was doing was not helping.  She said how she'll probably like her new family better than me.  She asked if she completed a program if she could come home.  I said I cannot answer that at this time.  She said that I've given up on her.  I said if I did, I would not be here... .

She didn't want me to leave when it was time to do so.  Hugged me long.

[Kwamina]

Hi raytamtay3

I think it is great that you went to visit her. No matter what has happened, she is still your daughter and I know you care about her very much. Your love shines through in your posts and your continued efforts to be there for her and get her the help she needs.

Your daughter is disordered and though her behavior is definitely very problematic, it all stems from her distorted thinking. When she gets help again, hopefully in time she will learn how to better manage her difficult thoughts and emotions which will enable her to improve her behavior.

Though she put herself in this position, your daughter is probably very scared too for what might lie ahead. She is still only 16, might have a very big mouth, yet still only 16.

As a result of her disorder, your daughter might struggle with showing you that she loves you. This does not have to mean that she does not love you though, it's just that as a result of this disorder she might struggle very much expressing her love for you in a loving manner.

How did you feel when you left and went back home? How did it make you feel that she hugged you so long and did not want you to leave?

Some more hugs from the Board Parrot  

[raytamtay3]

^^  I always feel sad when I leave her, but I felt good about not falling for her manipulation or her letting her mean comments affect me as they have in the past.  I contribute that to experience with all of this as well as the medication I'm now on.  

How did I feel when she hugged me? I felt that she really does love me, need me and knows I'm doing this to help her.

I told her how I legitimately feel that she wants to do well, but just hasn't found the right tools to do so just yet. She asked why I keep trying when she is helpless and to just forget about it.  I said because I still have hope.

So yeah, despite what I post on here at times when things are in crises about wanting to step away, I just cannot do it.  I love my kids too much.  However, I am taking steps back in respect to I now resign to the fact that her being home does not work.  That I am unable able to help her at home.

[raytamtay3]

When kids enter the shelter DD is at, they start on level 1 which gives them visitation priviledges.  I was just contacted by the case manager there who informed me that DD was not allowed invitation this weekend because she dropped to level 0 for being defiant and disrespectful yesterday.  Here we go again.