Will the Manipulation and Control Ever Stop?

[LilMe]

It has been almost a month since I left.  One child is asleep on a couch, another in an easy chair, and one on a mattress on the floor.  I am drinking a hot beer because we have no refrigerator.  He won't let me have any of my or the children's belongings.  My grass is waist high while he has a friend who uses my mower to mow his grass for him.  He sent me a nasty email telling me to come get my stuff because it is in his way.  Yes, it must be hell living alone in a 4BR house with all my stuff in his way.  He had someone else come and put some of my stuff outside on the patio.  I don't have anyone to help me move it.  I arranged for help 5 times and he cancelled each time called the police and told them I was coming without permission.  He is painting me black to everyone he talks to.  I knew it would be hard.  But it is really hard.  I have nothing but a nasty rental house with black mold growing in it and my car.  I do have my children, my computer, and my phone.  But the children are acting out really badly.  Their counselor says it is the result of getting away from the abuse.  I know it is all the result of my bad choices, but that doesn't make it any easier for us.  I keep telling myself things will get better.  They will, right?

[JerryRG]

   

I'm sorry LilMe

I have been feeling sorry for myself today and read this.  :'(

Things do get better if we keep walking through this, never give up

[WoundedBibi]

It has been almost a month since I left.  One child is asleep on a couch, another in an easy chair, and one on a mattress on the floor.  I am drinking a hot beer because we have no refrigerator.  He won't let me have any of my or the children's belongings.  My grass is waist high while he has a friend who uses my mower to mow his grass for him.  He sent me a nasty email telling me to come get my stuff because it is in his way.  Yes, it must be hell living alone in a 4BR house with all my stuff in his way.  He had someone else come and put some of my stuff outside on the patio.  I don't have anyone to help me move it.  I arranged for help 5 times and he cancelled each time called the police and told them I was coming without permission.  He is painting me black to everyone he talks to.  I knew it would be hard.  But it is really hard.  I have nothing but a nasty rental house with black mold growing in it and my car.  I do have my children, my computer, and my phone.  But the children are acting out really badly.  Their counselor says it is the result of getting away from the abuse.  I know it is all the result of my bad choices, but that doesn't make it any easier for us.  I keep telling myself things will get better.  They will, right?

It will.

Next time you can arrange people to help you get some of your stuff make sure you have a print of the email he has sent you that time saying you can come get your stuff on you. So you can prove you are not there without permission.

Don't let the manipulative a... hole behaviour of your ex get you down! You got out! The future will be better!     

[LilMe]

He followed us to the free laundry at a local church. He announced to everyone that I lied about him abusing the children and I and said me leaving with them is an abomination before God. Happy Tuesday to me.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LilMe, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  Yes, things will get better.  In the meantime, I wouldn't count on him changing anytime soon.  The place to start is with yourself, which is what you are doing.  I admire your courage.  You and your kids have every right to get your own things back.  Get a friend to go with you to the house, if necessary.  If that doesn't work, get a police officer to accompany you.  He can't hold your stuff hostage.  It's hard, I know, but what you are doing will lead to greater happiness for you and your kids.  Hang in there!

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi LilMe,

I know it is all the result of my bad choices, but that doesn't make it any easier for us.  I keep telling myself things will get better.  They will, right?

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hear self doubt. Are you having doubts about leaving?

[LilMe]

Mutt, I am not having second thoughts about leaving.  It is just so hard.  Having nothing.  The children and I had to give up everything.  Our home, our belongings, our garden and animals, our healthy food, etc.  I thought I had a right to get our belongings.  Not the case, legally.  We are not married and the house is only in his name.  The police cannot determine what is his and what is mine.  They can only enforce court orders.  He owns the house and doesn't want me to come there.  He is still controlling and terrorizing us, even after we are gone!

I didn't realize the children would react so badly either.  My son 7 is really bad.  He alternates between being really good and hugging and loving me to being really awful and telling me he hates me.  I started them in counseling immediately after we left, but they say he could act out for a while until we fall into new routines and come up with our own rules and boundaries.

Then my main support, my mom, fell and broke her hip and had a total hip replacement.  Now she needs my support!  I can't go to counseling because I have no one to watch the children.  I know in my head that it will get better, but it is so overwhelming right now.

[Dazed and...]

I'm sorry you are going through this, LilMe, please hang in there!

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, LilMe, I am sorry to hear about your struggles.  You have an incredibly positive attitude in an extremely challenging situation.  I admire your courage.  Is there anyone, a mutual friend or family member, who can intercede on your behalf?  Just because your property is at his place doesn't mean that it belongs to him, legally or otherwise.  Hang in there!  Things have a way of working out, though it's hard in the interim, i know.

LuckyJim

[LilMe]

LuckyJim, I called the pastor of his church who he is supposed to be in counseling with.  The pastor was not happy to find out what was happening and said he would talk to him.  That was last Thursday and nothing has changed yet.  He will most likely just stop attending that church.  I am sure things will work out somehow, but it just really sucks right now.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear about your mom. Your kids are experiencing stress, it's going to take time for them to adjust and you're supporting mom and this is a really difficult period for you.

Do you find some time in the day for self-care?

[LilMe]

Things just get more fun  :'( Someone in California got my debit card number and spent all the money I had saved to pay my court ordered child support for the next 3 months.  Getting ready to go to the bank and try to get my money back now.  I am hanging by a financial thread anyway, so this is really bad.

Got an email from uBPD.  He says his pastor contacted him, but neither of them understand why or what I wanted.    He now claims I could have taken my stuff any time I wanted and that I need to hurry up because it is in his way.  Of course, I have letters and emails telling me not to come and that my lawyer has to contact his lawyer to work it out.  His latest is that the dolly tire blew out and when I get it fixed for him, I can get my stuff.  I asked for a specific day, but he hasn't responded.

All this is hard, but I think even harder for me are the barbs and denial he adds to each contact he has with me.  He is pulling people into his warped reality.  I suspect it is mostly in his mind, but these people are helping him and have totally written me off.  He has told everyone that he has no idea why I left.  That it is an abomination before God that I have taken the children away from him.  That I am selfish and unhappy.  That I made it all up to take his money.  I do not talk to him.  It is all email and phone messages.  I have them all saved for my lawyer.

Thanks for letting me rant!

[londons]

hi lil, my heart hurts for you. thank you for sharing your words. first of all, you have the kids! at the moment, you are lacking some necessities and also some good luck, doggone it. but you are also without the CRAP and NEGATIVITY! do you know how many people would have stayed, for more abuse? you chose not to... .whatever comes your way, hang on to that. of course the kids are having mixed feelings... .thats good too, as it shows they are on the healing path as well. they will come to see this move was out of love and genuine concern for them. ask your church for phone numbers of organizations that can assist during this troubled time. also, go to the library! they have free activities, and an area for children that is soothing. take up to 30 books and items home for 3 weeks, then return them for more. play hide and seek. play cards. bowl with empty water bottles. have a pillow fight. stay busy and positive. you have made it thru the toughest part, my dear. it may bean uphill battle for a while, but this too shall pass. do not put one once of concern into his bad mouthing you. i always feel like bad mouthing someone makes that person look 5 times worse than whomever it is they would like to put in a bad light. in other words, it makes THEM look bad.  people know better. i am extremely proud of you and cant wait to hear how things start to improve. i hear much concern in your thoughts over your items in the home. i would probably be the same way, but we should remember, it is STUFF. STUFF. you really have what you need : yourself in one piece, your children, your faith, your mother, your freedom... .hang tight to those, they truly are what is important.  here are 4 hugs, pass them out !

[Herodias]

Couldn't you arrange for him to leave and you stay in the house? Get with the domestic violence people in your state. They will help you! They got him out and arranged for him to pay the bills and even changed the locks for free. See what you can find help with

[john83]

"He now claims I could have taken my stuff any time I wanted and that I need to hurry up because it is in his way." Passive Agressive

"when I get it fixed for him, I can get my stuff.  I asked for a specific day, but he hasn't responded." Control

"the barbs and denial he adds to each contact he has with me." Manipulation

"pulling people into his warped reality." Manipulation

"He has told everyone that he has no idea why I left." Feigned Victimhood... .Sympathy vote

"I have taken the children away from him."  As above

"I am selfish and unhappy." Projection

"I made it all up to take his money." :)elusional

Lilme, you're not dealing with a normal, rational person... .REMEMBER THIS!... .it doesn't stop it being infuriating or hurtful, but it lessens the impact. You cannot change the way this person perceives the situation, but you have the power to stop it hurting you. You're stronger than you feel right now.

As for the character assassination, this is very much their modus operandi, both in and out of the relationship (as you know).

I know it's painful to find out that you're being discredited to anyone who'll listen to him, and I know you most likely feel a strong desire to expose his disorder, make others see his true nature, but remember, he's a master of deception, an arch manipulator... .you've got much more important things to be getting on with, like loving your kids, helping your Mum, being free from his game playing and tyranny.

Ask yourself this question: Do you honestly believe he will be wholly truthful with this Pastor he's seeing? You don't need to prove anything to anyone... .accept that it happened and move on.

If he's 'happy' to run you down, be the victim, blame you for everything that went wrong, then let him... .that's his reality... .consider how sad it must be for someone with this disorder to go through life constantly doubting their partner's love, loyalty, and trustworthiness... .that's some burden... .his actions are merely a way of dealing with these feelings, destructive though they are to others closely involved.

You've managed to break free... .go find yourself again Lilme

[LilMe]

londons and john83, thank you.  I know you are right in my head, but it is hard to not let it affect me!  I am struggling and our friends are helping him.  That's OK, I can make it, but it still hurts.  I haven't said much to anyone.  I am trying hard to take the high road!  I am thankful for what I have, but life is so hard not having the basic things we need and little money.  The children are acting out really badly so I feel like the abuse continues.  I look forward to the day things start looking up!

Herodias, we are not married and the house is in his name.  I have no legal right to be there.

Heading to bed - working a double tomorrow and a long day Sunday.  Thank you for the support, it really helps knowing there are others who understand how hard it is!

[john83]

londons and john83, thank you.  I know you are right in my head, but it is hard to not let it affect me!  I am struggling and our friends are helping him.  That's OK, I can make it, but it still hurts.  I haven't said much to anyone.  I am trying hard to take the high road!  I am thankful for what I have, but life is so hard not having the basic things we need and little money.  The children are acting out really badly so I feel like the abuse continues.  I look forward to the day things start looking up!

Herodias, we are not married and the house is in his name.  I have no legal right to be there.

Heading to bed - working a double tomorrow and a long day Sunday.  Thank you for the support, it really helps knowing there are others who understand how hard it is!

Hey Lilme... .just a quick check-up post, to see how you're doing. Hope you're OK. I can relate to the duality... .in my experience, it's not unusual. You're head's telling you one thing, your heart's pulling you in a different direction... .the next day it can be vice versa!

It certainly doesn't help when mutual friends seem to be fighting his corner... .try to remember that they don't know the whole story; they're only privvy to the details he's furnished them with, which are almost guaranteed to paint you in a bad light and bolster his 'wounded, innocent good guy' image... .accept the hurt and the mixed emotions but stay strong... .remember this guy is a manipulative heel

My ex did something similar... .days after I broke it off... .posting on a public forum we both used to go on regularly. It was a classic hard luck story, a BS tale of how she'd been shafted by her Brother, and was feeling hard-done-to and forlorn due to 'recent personal problems' and the loss of her 'support network'... .everything was going wrong... .she was struggling to make her mortgage payments, even her cat would suffer if she couldn't pay the medical insurance... .Poor thing!  I could't stomach the duplicity, knowing the truth behind the crap, so I stopped going on the forum, and haven't been on since, which is a real shame because I made a lot of good friends on there, and got a lot out of it.

In some ways it was really helpful (albeit very painful for me to read) as I could clearly see what she was doing to manipulate the situation in order to illicit sympathy and get mutual friends 'on her side'. I know I may sound bitter, but this was how it was.

Everyone had wronged her, throughout her life, in one way or another, (she was never to blame, ever) and now her most recent 'support network' had just abandoned her... .

God knows I'm better off without her, but not a day goes by when I don't get angry, or upset reliving some of the hurtful things she did and said. I believe this is a normal reaction and it will come to pass in due course.

I wish you well Lilme, you're not alone