Do I divorce him?

[Elaine38]

Hi everyone, this is my first ever post. I have been married to hubby for 10 years. He has always been misdiagnosed with depression, anxiety etc but he never felt the diagnosis correct. We have separated several times as his difficult behaviour has made our relationship difficult and I have struggled to cope. He has never had any friends, he had a six year period of no contact with his family after a feud, and over the years has fallen out with various acquaintances. During a separation in 2014, he was finally diagnosed with BPD. We got back together and he takes medication which has controlled some of his symptoms (e.g ridiculously high sex drive, clingyness etc). Things have improved, however, he recently changed jobs from self employed taxi driver to employee and it's all gone wrong! He has proceeded to loose THREE jobs this year either through being sacked because of confrontations, or just walking out. My stress levels have gone through the roof and I have consulted a solicitor about divorce, but it doesn't feel quite right. How do you know when to call time on a marriage with a BPD spouse? I am starting to get ill with the strain of the whole situation and literally have no idea what to do. Any thoughts from those in a similar situation would be much appreciated x

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Elaine38,

Welcome to the site, we are glad to have you here with us.

I'm sorry to learn that your husband is struggling to keep his positions as an employee.  This is troubling for financial stability for you both.  He is being impulsive when he just walks out on a position. 

It is good that your hubby has a diagnoses and takes meds that help.  Is he in any kind of therapy to learn to cope with his emotionality?  Is there a DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) practitioner that he would consider going to? 

Learning to cope with the rollercoaster of emotions our loved ones have is difficult for us, the "nons" in the relationship.  The good news is that we have many skills and tools you can learn that will help both you and your relationship with your hubby.  There is a collection of Lessons to the right of the page that  you can browse through to get an idea of what you can do to have a better home life.

lbjnltx

[Elaine38]

Hi Ibjnltx thanks for responding. Hubby attended NHS (uk national health) therapy but didn't seem to get much from the experience and gave up once he began employment as it was difficult to get time off work to attend.

His attitude now is, "I don't need therapy, and can control the BPD", which he clearly cannot otherwise he wouldn't have lost three jobs!

I feel it's not my role to keep telling him what I think he should be doing, but if I don't tell him, he'll do nothing. Should I just step back and leave him to make his own mistakes?

[lbjnltx]

Telling him what he should be doing isn't advisable as it can cause resentment on both sides.

If he is open to discussions with you about how he feels and what he thinks you can validate his feelings and ask validating questions to support him in his problem solving and decision making.

If you aren't familiar with validation of emotions and avoiding the traps it would be a good idea to learn about it.  We have lots of info about it here on the site:

Validation Article

Validation Workshop

Validation Video

Validation Video: Advanced

How do conversations typically go about things you are concerned about?  

lbj