how to set healthy boundaries

[Simo]

Hello  everyone!  as I've seen from the posts  on this topic  many of us are in a similar  situation.  my girlfriend  is BPD,  we have been together for almost 6 months now and it depends on  the days but sometimes the feeling  of being overwhelmed  is really  strong and

basically  I'm the only person she's  seeing apart from her dog and cats,  and the only  person she cares  about  seeing. which  I don't think is healthy  at all.  

the

when something goes in a way that doesn't suit her she starts being heavily  verbally abusive, other times  she panics  and cannot leave the house and I'm afraid she may hurt  herself I leave her.  

one other side,  I m aware this is not how a healthy relationship  should be.  she is 39 and never been to see  someone except  for once,  when she was diagnosed BPD  13 years ago.  

I think she definitely  should because she is really  all over the place especially  when she s  stressed out.  which happens  rather often.

what I would like to know from  you guys ,  it's what should I do in respect to therapy  and also  how do you set boundaries with  your partners  without  making them feeling unwanted.  I need time for myself and for seeing  my friends as I'm almost not seeing anyone  else but her. and it's definitely  not how it is supposed to be.

thanks a lot.  any comments wold be really  appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[lbjnltx]

Hi simo, welcome to the site!

It's a lot of responsibility to be the sole source of support and companionship for any one person, especially one who suffers from abandonment issues (like BPD).

Setting healthy boundaries is important as you have figured out, otherwise we can become lost in the disordered world our loved one's live in alongside them.  Have you determined what boundary you are wanting to set?  What value do you base this boundary on and are you willing to enforce this boundary consistently?

In general, value based boundaries are to be set gently, firmly, and in advance of the need to enforce them.  They must be consistently enforced lest we inadvertently reinforce an extinction burst.    Most people will push our boundaries to see if we will hold fast or relent.  People with BPD will try to bulldoze through our boundaries, at least initially.

You can read more about value based boundaries in the Lessons to the right of the page.  If you have any questions about what you read post them here in your topic and get some feedback. 

lbj

[waverider]

 

Welcome

Setting boundaries sounds simple, but it needs more thought than it fist seems. The most important thing is to step out of the role of rescuer and fixer. Boundaries are above protecting you from harm, whether it be your emotional or physical. The mistake we often make is to try using them to direct/control/cajole someone else into doing what we think is best for them. This becomes incredibly invalidating for them and is a one way ticket to conflict.

Our enforcement of boundaries is action we can take, not requesting or demanding action someone else takes, as we cant control that or ensure it happens and then it comes a 'demand" rather than a boundary.

The second issue we have is often trying to have too many boundaries over too many issues, which are often only symptoms anyway. Again the path to endless conflict. Look at the underlying attitude or core problem that is driving the issue, that is what you need to target, otherwise the boundary gets flanked as the issue is modified to get around your boundary.

Keep the number of boundaries down to a minimum at any one time.

The other issue you are concerned about is dependency and neediness. You are correct in identifying that this can end up isolating you, which you have to be careful of as it shifts your perception of what is reasonable.

As Ibjnltx suggests if you want to post some specifics, we can make some suggestions, that is the best way to get a real feel for it

Waverider

[Simo]

thanks  a lot for your suggestions and support guys!   

my boundaries are mainly focused in keeping myself and my partner as two separated individuals  who (as I perceive as an healthy  relationship ) choose to be part of each other's  life, support each others  and so on.

what I want and also need to keep  is my own independency as an individual  and the freedom of going  around by myself  in case my partner doesn't share the same interest  as me for let's  say an event, a movie,  a day or night out,  or a trip somewhere.

she doesn't  seem  to understand  this at all  and she feels I'm hurting her on purpose in case I see some friends  or I do sth  where she doesn't  want to go or be involved in.     

she is really aware of her huge fear  of abandonment,  she asked me several times to marry her coz then  she will be "sure  that I will stay and don't leave her". to  which I said no coz 1. we have been dating for 6 months  not even 2. I don't really believe  in marriage as  an institution.

waverider,  i am aware or let's say I can understand  why she behaves like she does  but the thing is sometimes I don't know  if I'm doing the right thing or other times  I am not able to address  her needs  coz then  I will feel too "compressed " and I know it won't work.  I need my personal  space. 

so ... .here it's  where I have no idea on how to interact with her.

thanks  for any additional help / suggestion u may feel to give me.

[an0ught]

Hi Simo,

... .here it's  where I have no idea on how to interact with her.

boundaries are all about saying "no I ... ." (a really short words) or even more about sticking in our actions to limits. Not so much about interaction.

What may help you is reading up on validation and practicing it when interacting with her. Validation leads to better understanding an a more relaxed communication. Starting points can be found in the LESSONS to the right.

,

a0