Frustrated / Meddling Relatives

[Shell Shocked]

I am really frustrated.  My DD is 17.  She will be 18 next month.  It has been a really rough and long school year with her.  She is a "gifted" student but she doesn't really care about anything and has totally blown this school year off.  She may not graduate.  I think that the school will push her through and let her make up work, do projects, and she will scrape through and pull it off like she always seems to - but she has not been accepted to any colleges that we can afford.  She got into 3 schools and they are all really expensive/private schools and my husband and I just cannot afford it and we are unwilling to take out loans and put ourselves in debt when she is flunking high school.

Anyway, I have been trying to talk to her about coming up with a plan or direction for next year.  I told her we will help her however we can, but she can't just stay here the way she is now.  (She has no job, no license, she does nothing to help around the house, and she basically tells us to go "eff" ourselves when it comes to rules.  She comes and goes as she pleases.)  Anyway, I talked to her about us helping her get her license and a vehicle to drive so she could go to community college and get a job.  Also about maybe doing some service work, etc...   She then informed me that my SIL (husband's brother's wife) told her that she can come and live with them, establish residency and apply to schools there next year. 

DD has bonded with her older cousin over the past 2 years and they talk a lot.  I am sure that she tells them all kinds of horrible things about us.  SIL and BIL think we are "too strict" and feel bad for DD.  They think the behaviors of her not coming home or telling us where she is, etc... .are totally normal.  We made the mistake of letting her go there for 2 weeks last summer and she came back 100% worse than when she left.  They have no rules, they let her drink and get drunk, she had no curfew, and SIL just buys take out every night and cleans up after her kids.  Her eldest is 23 and she spends all her free time going out drinking with friends and hooking up with guys.  Her son is 19 and he spends his days at home smoking pot in his room and playing video games with friends.  Her 16 year old basically hides from the rest of them and is counting the minutes until he can move out, and they have a 9 year old who is pretty obnoxious as well.  (He thinks he is an adult.  He told my 5 year old he wanted to punch her in the face because she was trying to talk to him and he found it "annoying"  SIL is definitely a "friend" Mom and lives vicariously through her daughter.  I think she wants a new "buddy" 

Anyway, I think this is a terrible situation for my daughter.  As much as it would make my life easier to have her move out and not have to deal with her antics and behaviors, I think this will be really bad for her.  Before she went to their house last summer she was angry and difficult, when she came back she thought she was an adult and rules didn't apply to her and she was basically telling us to go "eff" ourselves and doing what she wanted.  I am angry that SIL didn't mention anything to us or tell us she was willing to make this offer.  Just undermined us (again) and went right to my daughter.  We have tried to tell them about her mental issues (she was diagnosed with ODD, high levels of narcissism and her psych said she has a good number of the BPD symptoms but didn't want to label her since personalities can mature - however we were treating her as a BPD patient) but they don't believe us.  They think she is a good kid and we are too strict and overreact.  They also live several states away and only see her once or twice a year.  Ofcourse she is in constant contact with her cousin.   

I know that there is really nothing I can do if she wants to do this.  She will be an adult.  I am just so upset that BIL and SIL have gone behind our back to do this.  My husband called his brother and his brother said he thinks it would be good for my DD to be there.  Sigh... .

Has anyone else dealt with something like this?  Thank you for reading if you got this far. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Stela]

Hi Shell shocked... .I like your name. It's so appropriate! While I am not dealing with meddlesome relatives (thank goodness), your daughter sounds a lot like my son. He graduated by the skin of his teeth. He went to California for four months and became certified as a snowboard instructor. I wanted him to stay. Having him out of the house was so peaceful and as close to a "normal" family as we've ever been. However, he returned. And I get "eff this", "eff you", etc., and I ask myself why I put up with it. Anyway... .I totally get why you like the idea of her being out of the house. You said she turns 18 next month? Because at that point, it's her decision, anyway.

I say let her go... .she will be back and maybe with enough time they will see her true behavior.

[Kate4queen]

I'd let her go.

Their opinion of you isn't the truth, and I'm fairly certain that if your DD goes and lives with them and she starts to treat them like she does you--they'll finally get it.

And sometimes, I hate to say this, but others can parent your BPD/NPD child more effectively because they don't have to deal with all the crap directed at the real parents.

My son moved out to live with another family (not related but parents we had known for years) and he said they were way better parents to him than we had ever been. That hurt so much. But he stayed with them for 6 months and behaved perfectly there because the dad was a real hardnut bully and my son also a narcissist respected that far more than his own loving caring reasonable father. But even they started to realized he was a problem and asked him to leave after 6 months. Its something of a pattern for our kids. They can't maintain relationships very well.

Don't let you SIL define you. You know you've been a good parent so who cares what she thinks? So far she's only heard one side of the story. If she has your DD full time, she might finally see the other side.

[Lollypop]

Hi there

I'd try and keep to the higher ground in this situation. My BPDs25 has tried three times to live away since being 18 and the relationships start to break down as his behaviours deteriorate. I was absolutely determined to never have him back but we did. Fortunately things are very different now and to be honest he does seem to have matured a lot. The space away from us allowed him (I think) to realise we aren't as bad as he thought. He's now able to be relaxed around us because of the changes we've made.

Life was bliss without him around. We kept in contact with FaceTime. We were actually communicating a lot more with him 6000 miles away. I noticed he was reflecting and able to talk. I tried to keep everything positive and said "that's just great".

Diagnosis finally came and that's when I joined this forum. It's been a lifesaver.

If I were you I'd sit back and watch the show. Enjoy the space and try not to worry about the future. You'll soon find you feel differently I'm sure. It's empowering and a relief to not have that responsibility for a while.

I used my time well. We got on with our own lives and had fun. Our BPDs25 could see that too. I made sure we kept in touch, lovingly.

I'd be livid with the relations but they're only hearing one side.

I hope this helps

[landslide]

I am just a little behind you, with a BPDd16 who will no doubt be there or worse given the path she is on.  So I am weighing in not with direct parenting experience but with what I am already telling myself about the future.

I agree that it makes sense to let her make adult decisions and cope with her consequences.  It sounds like you have given her appropriate support and communicated your concerns.  As is typical, her mental illness currently renders her unable to appreciate and move toward stability.  As she gets older, there is less you can do to insulate her and the consequences will be shared if you don't set emotional and physical boundaries.  Even if she didn't live with your in-laws, she will probably find other people who reinforce her reality.  If she moves out, you will have control over if and under what conditions you allow her to return. 


I also have to say how much I appreciate reading everyone's responses on so many of these threads.

Such as:

Lollypop's "If I were you I'd sit back and watch the show." And Kate4queen, "And sometimes, I hate to say this, but others can parent your BPD/NPD child more effectively because they don't have to deal with all the crap directed at the real parents."

I needed those comments this morning on the heels of my own crisis.

This board is such a lifeline.  I can't even remember how I found it, but thank God I did!

[Shell Shocked]

Thank you all for the feedback!  It really means a lot that you took the time to read and reply.   

I appreciate the advice.  I have 5 (soon to be 6) younger children and there is a sense of peace in our home when she is not physically present.  We do need this peace and so do our younger children.  You are right, I have expressed my concerns and offered her options.  Now all I can do is sit back and wait.  I cannot control what SIL and BIL think of us and our parenting.  My daughter is very convincing and honestly... .I think she starts to believe her stories herself.  Two years ago she spent quite a bit of time with a friend and her family.  I could tell the Mom thought I was neglecting her in some way.  She felt bad for my daughter and I am sure she either thought we were awful or just had to many children to keep up with.  After the friendship inevitable broke down, I ran into her about a year later. She asked me if DD had bi-polar and really seemed to understand that my DD did have some problems and issues and perhaps it wasn't just that we are mean and neglectful. 

Now I just wait to see if she graduates in a couple weeks and we go from there.  I would love to help her sort through these things and see her find a direction and have a good quality of life, but I guess I can't force help on her and hopefully she will get it when she is ready and maturation will help her.  Peace in my home would be wonderful!