Detective?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Have others become amateur private investigators trying to separate the facts from fiction. I am trying to put the BPD relationship of 3 years behind me.  I find myself still playing detective and figure it all out. Would like to hear other stories and advice.

[Jacidrinkswine]

Have others become amateur private investigators trying to separate the facts from fiction. I am trying to put the BPD relationship of 3 years behind me.  I find myself still playing detective and figure it all out. Would like to hear other stories and advice.

[Lexisdad]

I am a Detective and have been in Law enforcement for 29 years. My exBPDgf is the best liar i've ever been up against!  When i would confront her about her lies she would actually try and make me think i was crazy!

[hurting300]

Yes . When you're with someone for two years and you discover it was all a lie then you tend to find yourself playing detective. She even had a name change and was kicked out of the Air Force. Amazing stuff. But she is a brilliant liar, then once I would have cold hard proof she would go silent. Makes me sick now how stupid I was.

[Ahoy]

I am a Detective and have been in Law enforcement for 29 years. My exBPDgf is the best liar i've ever been up against!  When i would confront her about her lies she would actually try and make me think i was crazy!

Yep same 8 1/2 years on the job and she is the best liar I've encountered. It gives me the chills

[GreenEyedMonster]

I had a friend gifted in research strategy look up his other ex, his only other relationship, to see if she was the monster he had claimed.  She seemed to be a completely normal person.  Her social media profile was a picture of her and her husband.  Her grandma was posting nice things about her.  Granted, she really could have been a frightening woman who intended to keep him chained in the basement and make him her sex slave before murdering him (his claim), but what I found about her didn't make it seem likely.

My ex wasn't a compulsive liar, unlike many others who have been discussed here.  He was more outright delusional and paranoid.

[Caley]

From my own experience ... If you've had to go to the lengths of 'playing detective' then that, in itself, is a huge 'claxon' going off in your ears. Either, your perception of things 'now' are clouded by 'past experiences' which have eroded your trust in people (generally) or, that the person you are involved with is consciously surrounding you in a fog of deceit and dishonesty ... which has caused your 'spider senses' to tingle. Either way ... deep within you - you know something is very wrong.

In some cases, if it is the latter of two that is true, they have done this time and time again with others and got very good at covering their tracks, making it very difficult to unearth anything to validate your concerns conclusively, any way. So, you come to a dead end and second question ... that, perhaps, its you that is paranoid.

If you manage to gain possession of irrefutable proof of their deceit, they will have many tools to use when confronted with it to raise a question of doubt. Plausible deniability ... flat out denial, deflection ... anything that blame shifts. And, if they're 'cornered' with nowhere to go ... they'll either withdraw into silence (to repair from the injury of shame) or turn to fury and attack (sometimes through violence), or suddenly eject from the relationship without warning ... until such time they feel a potential recycle is on the cards.

What matters is recognising that you now have to play detective to discover the truth. That, in itself, as I stated above ... should be enough for you to decide to walk away and set as a flag for any future relationship.

Some people will even castigate a person for playing detective ... citing a breach of personal ethics ... which makes the person detecting feel even worse about themselves. But, when faced with unanswered questions ... it is a natural thing to want to do.

The upshot is ... if you're working full time to support a relationship and part-time being an unpaid detective to establish growing concerns about your relationship, then you are not in a relationship with someone who values integrity, reliability, honesty and truth ... that 'ain't' good ... ! The relationship is either unhealthily unbalanced or so completely on-sided that it will inevitably break down and collapse. And, in many, many cases ... only after you have made massive investment and committment to it. A committment that wasn't or isn't being reciprocated.

[Hadlee]

Yes!  There was a time where I was completely OCD in searching for clues   I think it became some sort of hobby!  It was hard to stop, but in the end I knew it was becoming unhealthy.

One thing I did realize... .I'd make a brilliant PI given everything I uncovered

[Herodias]

"Yes!  There was a time where I was completely OCD in searching for clues   I think it became some sort of hobby!  It was hard to stop, but in the end I knew it was becoming unhealthy.

One thing I did realize... .I'd make a brilliant PI given everything I uncovered "

LOL, I feel the same way. It's not worth the trouble anymore. I am looking for all I need to settle my divorce, buy then I am done. If you have to play detective with someone you are supposed to trust, it's not worth it! It just makes you go mad... .

[Hadlee]

LOL, I feel the same way. It's not worth the trouble anymore. I am looking for all I need to settle my divorce, buy then I am done. If you have to play detective with someone you are supposed to trust, it's not worth it! It just makes you go mad... .

Just off topic, Blue.  I've noticed a real change in your posts of late.  You sound positive and strong.  Well done, you

[Herodias]

Thank you busygall... .I am still very angry at times... .but I am not crying and wanting him back. Not missing him anymore... .my friends and family are so happy,  He is going in for the final discard as they say when they try to do the most damage and hurt you the most in a divorce. Once this is over he will not have any power over me at all. I am getting stronger daily. Thanks for noticing. I apologize if sometimes I come out like a raving b___ with some posts, but I am so angry at what he has done to me and I would rather be where I am now and not where I was... .I am nervous about my future, but I am now in charge of me. I think listening to allot of u-tuble videos on narcissism and recovery have helped me. I listen to them in the mornings as I get ready for work. It's like having therapy everyday and I highly suggest it.

[Hadlee]

Once this is over he will not have any power over me at all.

Exactly!  And that will be such a weight lifted off your shoulder.  All he will be left with is the chaos of his life.

I apologize if sometimes I come out like a raving b___ with some posts, but I am so angry at what he has done to me and I would rather be where I am now and not where I was... .

Never a need to apologize, Blue.  Anger is part of the grieving process.  I was stuck in this stage for quite some time, and have been more than a "raving b___" many a time

Life feels so darn good once we pass the anger stage.  For me, I felt like the air was clear, and I could breath again.

Honestly, I do still have moments where I will feel anger for what's happened in the past, but I am able to move on from that feeling quite quickly.  I no longer let it consume me or take over my daily life.

I am nervous about my future, but I am now in charge of me. I think listening to allot of u-tuble videos on narcissism and recovery have helped me. I listen to them in the mornings as I get ready for work. It's like having therapy everyday and I highly suggest it.

Of course you would be nervous, it's only natural.  You are making a new life for yourself.  And that can be daunting.  But, as the saying goes, "one door closes and another one opens".

That's great you are listing to youtube clips.  Not sure if you have listened to any topics on Ted, but I found/find them really useful.  They definitely helped me.

Keep doing what you are doing

[Herodias]

Thanks Busygall, how long have you been out of your r/s ? You seem pretty strong yourself... .I will look at some more of the TED videos as you suggest. I have seen a few. You are right... .he will be left with chaos for sure as his life choices are affecting more and more people. At least I now understand what happened and that is key.  I just keep taking deep breaths,

[Hadlee]

Thanks Busygall, how long have you been out of your r/s ? You seem pretty strong yourself... .I will look at some more of the TED videos as you suggest. I have seen a few. You are right... .he will be left with chaos for sure as his life choices are affecting more and more people. At least I now understand what happened and that is key.  I just keep taking deep breaths,

I've been out 18 months.  During that time I also dealt with the end of a friendship with a pwBPD as well.  She was crazier than my ex!  My ex was more on the NPD side, like yours.  Double whammy for me

I don't talk about my ex anymore.  The memories of him are fading as I am creating new memories with friends, family and just living life. 

I'm completely NC with both of them now and it's helped tremendously.  I tried LC for quite some time, but it didn't work.  I realize we heal at our own pace.  For some, NC is first option, however it was the last option for me.  I'm ok with that.

NC has turned out to be one of the best gifts I have given to myself

[wanttoknowmore]

Jacidrinks... .

O yaa... .absolutely... many pwBPD lovers become almost detectives... .because the confusion and perplexity of BPD behavior spins their "loving" heads .

They think logically ... .but in dysregulated pwBPD mind... .there is nothing like logic ... .but behaviors driven by pure ,raw intense emotions  of the moment.

Facts get jumbled in Non's mind and he has urge to "figure it all out"   So, this motivates him to become a detective with facebook screening,  background checks, collateral information, fact checks from past employers and a whole plethora of spying acts ... .NOT to harm the pwBPD... but to merely understand... "what the heck happened here and who I am dealing with."  Some are driven with strong desire to help their pwBPD and for that all facts needs to brought to the table to sort out the confusing mass of protoplasm.

You are not alone Jacidrinks... .years ago... I did it too... .driven by urge to understand the pwBPD and to help her, if possible.

Fortunately, I could not find much shocking info as she was a acting in type, waif who would just go in her cave and go in stone cold silence. After a few days, comes out of the cave ... really fresh, amazing, mature, talkative and self confident... .felt so weird... .who was she really? mind boggling... .two different persons in one body ?

Reading hundreds and hundreds of other peoples experiences on these boards are also part of the same urge... ".to figure it all out" and "help" if possible.

The feeling of  divine love during idealization phase leaves Nons so attached that they can not leave easily... .BTW... .its OK to be detective... .just be careful... lest you are accused of being a stalker !

[Herodias]

Busy gall... .interesting you had two in your life. I am finding I have a lot of female friends with this as well. I am no contact with them now... .low contact with one, but working on no contact. She seems to surround herself with Narcs and does allot of detective work too! She is a state away, so it's easier. Yes, I have done all the detective work and done all the studying on the behavior and the reasons why and what I discovered is... .GET AWAY FROM THESE PEOPLE,  LOL  I am trying to quit being chaotic myself now as I realize I was caught up in drama too... .It is really difficult actually. But I am getting better and NC helps! For instance, my ex has not paid my alimony... .my old way would be to send out a text or email asking for the money or to let him know the consequences of not doing it. His stirring me up as usually. I have decided I will let my lawyer handle it. I protect myself from him and he is in contempt of court, setting himself up for more trouble. Why should I help get him out of it? I helped him the last 10 years... .He has someone new "helping" him now. They can deal with the consequences... .I need to do nothing with him. I think we all need to just face the facts... .we will never know the truth from lies, the lies behind the lies or the lies that are so far deep down that they will never ever be discovered. Just know they lie and that is a reason to never trust someone to be there for you or to ever be honest with you. Be done. I will never put up with this in the future. It's pretty simple. No more detective work- just walk away feeling proud of yourself for finally doing so. You will become a whole person for the next r/s if you learn to do this. No detective work necessary... .they lie or are mean to you- you are done. Good luck... .

[Hadlee]

Having experienced life with a pwBPD makes you open your eyes to other "odd" people that are in your life.

There was another friend I had that I identified to be a possible BPD as well.  I cut her out of my life in January of this year.  I wasn't prepared to wait around to confirm anything  In hindsight, things add up now, we were co-workers and became friends.  Then suddenly, a few years ago, she just dropped off.  I didn't hear from her at all and she stopped interacting with me on Facebook.  It didn't bother me at the time as I was busy with work and life.

All of sudden a year ago or so, she started contacting me again.  We began catching up for lunch, etc, and she told me she stopped talking to me because I became friends with a woman she hated   What I didn't realize at the time was this co-worker had ended a close friendship with someone else.  Sounds familiar, doesn't it?

She then verbally lashed out at me towards the end of last year.  Completely uncalled for - she just snapped for no reason.  And the nastiness was awful.  Alarm bells started ringing.  I distanced myself after that then she started posting cryptic messages on Facebook about loyalty and friends she thought were friends, etc.  I ignored everything.  Then came blocking me on Instagram, deleting me on Facebook, blocking me then unblocking me  The last straw was when she commented on a mutual friends photo in which I had commented on.  It was another dig about loyalty.  I'd had enough, so blocked her.  I'm not putting up with that crap.  Haven't heard a word since.  I have no doubt she has smeared me, but I don't care.  We don't work together, and I don't have to see her again

Life can be strange!

[steelwork]

I was inspired by this thread to check out my ex. His new photos make him look like my replacement's ex--he grew his hair out to the same cut. It's weird to see him like that. Also, his LinkedIn profile lists "animal rights" and "environment" as stuff he cares about. News to me. Those are things my replacement used to talk about. When I knew him he had the biggest SUV I'd ever ridden in. Also, I wonder if she knows he tortured a cat when he was young.

I looked into the eyes of the person in his pictures and felt, "I don't know him." They are the eyes of someone else. I actually wish I'd looked at those pictures a while ago.

[Herodias]

Steelwork, they become like the people they are around. If it helped you to look - I'm glad. Just don't get obsessed with it. Realize the person you knew is gone. It is strange.

[vortex of confusion]

Oh yes, I played detective on and off over the years. It is painful to admit that it was almost 18. In the early days, he was obsessed with looking at porn. He would tell me that he wasn't doing it so I would search our computers and would find that he was doing it anyway. At one time, I could find just about anything on our home computers. I stopped for a while because he wasn't acting in ways that got my spidey senses tingling. It was like I had a sixth sense and would go hunting stuff down and find it. I got into his email and did a bunch of other detective stuff that I wasn't proud of at all. I knew he was lying to me and I needed proof. I needed validation that he was blowing a bunch of smoke up my butt. At some point, I stopped caring and stopped playing detective because it wasn't worth my time or energy. It was easier to just assume that everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I question absolutely everything he says or does now. If he said that it was sunny outside, I would probably step outside to check.

[Herodias]

I hear in their next relationships they use our "detective abilities" to warn the next ex about how not to behave with them... .such as, "my wife was so jealous all the time, all she did was snoop through my things... .you won't do that to me will you?"   Oh no, they say... .until they start to find out why we did it in the first place!  

[Daniell85]

Yep, I did the detective thing. Until I was literally so nuts I would spend some whole days trying to figure the stupidity out.  I am self employed so it was literally stealing time from me.

And my ex has the gift of inspiring his girl minions to come ( I have a website for business, they are mailing me through that) and spill to me his nefarious deeds from when we were together.

I got blindsided yesterday again. Again. I told the gal if she has any more tidbits, I just don't even want to know.

[steelwork]

Steelwork, they become like the people they are around. If it helped you to look - I'm glad. Just don't get obsessed with it. Realize the person you knew is gone. It is strange.

So strange. Weirdly, the animal rights/environment stuff turned me off big time. I mean, those are fine things to care about, but who IS he? A cipher. A ghost.

[JerryRG]

Hey steelwork

This is what confused me so much, how do we define a relationship that wasn't real to begin with? How do we understand something or someone who isn't understandable?

How do we move on from a place we were lost in?

My sponsor asked me a while back that if I wanted to go somewhere what's the first thing I need to know.

I said get a map, he smiled and said, how can we plan to get anywhere if we first don't know where we're at? First understand where you are or you won't get anywhere.

A relationship with a pwBPD is like being lost or being in the dark or maybe FOG, I tried to leave so many times but ended up right back where I began. Going in circles until I went NC then I started to wake up and realize I could not go down that same road that lead directly back to the center of chaos and misery.

[hurting300]

The Detective work helped me big time. But helped me more than anything is watching her completely change her personality for the different groups she is around. It's as if she "borrows" personalities from them. For example; she told me she didn't drink. She does. She said cursing is for uneducated people. Guess what? Her new friends curse. Now she does. It's sad. Now that I'm out of the FOG it's so clear and I don't hurt now. And I've notice they tend to hang out with people that have similar problems as them. Such as addicts or people with very low self esteem.

[Hadlee]

watching her completely change her personality for the different groups she is around. It's as if she "borrows" personalities from them.

Yes!  This still leaves me scratching my head.  Thankfully, I'm NC now, so I don't have to see it.

[warhar]

I never got the chance to play the detective - that was my BPDexW's job. She kept very close tabs on EVERYBODY. Knowing what people were doing and saying gave her a huge boost. She used to be awake until dawn on social media creating elaborate links into friendship circles in order to snoop on her victim of choice.

Our children were taught from an early age to report on everything and anything that was being done and said.

For a woman so intent on uncovering the 'truth' she was, herself, a masterful liar.

I am formerly Military Intelligence. Part of my training was in interrogation techniques. Part of that training involved identifying when somebody is telling lies. There are numerous involuntary gestures people make when telling lies.

My exW passed ALL of those tests. And this was when I KNEW she was telling a lie.

Go figure?

As for me snooping - in reality, with what I know all about her, I have no wish to know any more.