I'm having a really hard time with how sharply she's declined.
I'm so sorry, Icanteven. It's painful to watch loved ones fall apart. Maybe more painful than falling apart ourselves.
Hitting bottom sometimes is the turning point. The hope is that our loved one finally gets to the place that was so frightening, and learn that it's just a bottom, nothing else.
I don't know if this will help or not, but I found that asking simple (super simple) questions helped me find my way when my loved one was in such a place of pain and self harm. Questions like, "Oh?" or "And then what?" and sometimes, "Is there anything you would like me to do?" kept me grounded, away from trying to rescue and fix and save while still staying engaged and empathetic.
Another part that helped is going through what my T calls beefs and griefs. I grew up in a family that never processed negative feelings, we avoided mention of them, tip toeing around it all. When I could step back from feeling grief for others, and focused on my own injuries and sadnesses, it taught me I was resilient, and that resilience comes from processing the pain, not avoiding it. And certainly not focusing on maintaining and corraling the grief of my loved ones, as I was taught to do. I had to learn to let others feel pain and show trust in them, that I knew they could experience the pain and make it through to the other side. My role was coach and empathetic bystander.
It finally made it easier to detach from the dynamic that made us both miserable.
Such hard work, and so meaningful.
