do BPD exs ever attempt to reach out after moment of clarity?

[cherryblossom]

Yes the relationship has, like osmosis drawn up deep pain/toxins for me - pain that I have been masking and denying and not processing for years -I am learning about MY dysfunctional coping strategies/defense mechanisms my T is guiding me through this pain - I feel I will come out the other side a GENUINELY balanced, content, awake person. I feel that is why the bond is so deep because we had deep subconcious knowledge and understanding of a similar pain. But of course we had lots of laughter and fun. But that's gone and that's that. I think i'll eventually think of our relationship like a firework - not made to last - a brilliant burst of beauty and light evaporated into nothing - but for that brief moment it truly was beautiful

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Fr4nz]

TBH if the governments invested more money and education on resources for family and carers many of the ongoing consequences of dysfunction would never happen. Education for carers is seriously lacking.

Indeed, this would be a form of "prevention".

Anyway, I think this is sadly true for most of the "civilized" countries (Europe included), and does not apply only to the US.

[JQ]

Yes the relationship has, like osmosis drawn up deep pain/toxins for me - pain that I have been masking and denying and not processing for years -I am learning about MY dysfunctional coping strategies/defense mechanisms my T is guiding me through this pain - I feel I will come out the other side a GENUINELY balanced, content, awake person. I feel that is why the bond is so deep because we had deep subconcious knowledge and understanding of a similar pain. But of course we had lots of laughter and fun. But that's gone and that's that. I think i'll eventually think of our relationship like a firework - not made to last - a brilliant burst of beauty and light evaporated into nothing - but for that brief moment it truly was beautiful

CherryB, 

I have told others like yourself that on this journey of self discovery you will discover things that you might not like, that will cause pain, anxiety, frustration with your past.  I myself went on this journey and I certainly didn't like what I found ... .but you know ... .with the help of this "Group     ",  a good therapist or two, and looking in the mirror and REALLY being honest with myself I learned about MY dysfunctional history, my coping abilities or the lack there of. 

I learned with the help of others to say no, NO to the emotional, physical, mental abuse that those in my life were causing.  For a exBPDgf, it meant letting her go and for my own progress going NC. For my BPD step sister it meant going NC as much as I thought we were close, when I finally learn to set MY boundaries & her constantly disrespecting me by completely ignoring those boundaries it meant going NC with her.  And for a BPD step mother, it meant learning to tell her no to her demands & her flying monkey circus.  She constantly disrespects my boundaries and I have decided that limited contact, "LC" is the best for us to maintain ANY type of r/s.

For those who are new to the group or what somethings might mean. We all know or have a good idea of what emotional abuse is, but for physical abuse it can be more than just slapping, hitting, biting or other physical hitting abuse.  I learned that when my exBPDgf would call or text me at all hours of the night, 1am, 2am, 3am, 4 am this was physical abuse and not just checking on me to see if I had someone else in bed with me in order to calm her fears of abandonment. She was denying my body to heal from the stresses of the day. She was denying my REM sleep so my mind could recharge for the challenges of the next day. She was manipulating me in such a covert way in order to feed her need, whether by design or out of fear this was wrong.  The lack of REM sleep, resulted in me loosing my ability to make sound judgement calls, which in turned caused me to loose my patience with my BPD r/s. Which fed her fears.  My mind, body and soul took some major hits, I became a zombie both in mental clarity & physical abilities. 

This was one of my first boundaries I was taught to put into place with my exBPDgf, and learned to enforce. It did NOT happen over night and continued for awhile.  My BPD step mother continues to try and do this with calling me at 2am, 3am, 4am, 5am, but the kicker is, she doesn't leave a message. This is abuse as well, maybe you never looked at it that way but it is. This is a boundary that I have put in place and have to constantly reenforce it and sadly I don't think it will end any time soon giving her age, among other issues.  I will maintain this boundary and have at times put my phone in airplane mode so that it goes directly to VM and I will get the rest that I need and will answer in MY time.

I truly wish you the very best on your journey of self discovery!  I believe that nothing but good can come from this in the end.         How many people in this world go through life blissfully ignorant about where they come from or why things are the way they are?  I commend you and encourage you on your progress and your continued exploration!   

J

[Circle]

I like the flying monkeys analogy. Reminds me of 'The Wizard of Oz'. So appropriate for the chaotic, swarming cloud that overtakes when entering into the presence of those w/BPD.

[JQ]

I like the flying monkeys analogy. Reminds me of 'The Wizard of Oz'. So appropriate for the chaotic, swarming cloud that overtakes when entering into the presence of those w/BPD.

Circle, not to self, don't use dark purple highlight with black letters ... .hard to read, jus saying    

overtime I see my mother calling on my cell, the theme from Wiz of Oz starts to play in my mind. One of the group suggested and pointed me to downloading the theme for her ring tone ... .now I just laugh when I hear it ... .lmbo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SESI19h4wDo

J

[Circle]

I rather like the purple. Still, note to self noted. My apologies for any interruption to the flow of heavy liquids. Thanks for the OZ link.

[cherryblossom]

At the core of this work is having eyes wide open about the seriousness of the mental illness, like you say. It is also having eyes wide open about our own values, boundaries, empathy, and skill levels.

On this board, this process to improve ourselves is warmly supported and embraced because for many of us, the skills we learn turned out to be less about trying to save someone and more about improving ourselves. The relationship gave us the imperative to make those changes and in that respect, the BPD relationship has become a gift.

cherryblossom, did you mention in an earlier post that you suffered from cPTSD? Apologies if I am confusing you with someone else. In any case, looking at our own core wounds is an important part of the work, helping us understand motives for wanting to save, improve, etc, as well as understanding our limits. You may not be in a relationship again with your ex, you may also one day decide to befriend him from a different place of understanding and healing. You may decide he was someone who taught you much, and it's too painful to have him in your life as a reminder. Just as likely, you may decide down the line that you learned much and reach a place of forgiveness.

If nothing comes to pass, I believe we have all still gained, pain and grief and all.

You are being honest and diligent in understanding what you need in order to move forward, however you decide to do so and I admire that. I think, too, that there is a specific kind of grief to discover after the fact that a partner had BPD. It may feel like a lost opportunity and the fantasy of having a do-over can be difficult to give up.

Hi L and L

Sorry only just got round to replying to this -started loads of threads 2 weeks ago and became more focused on detaching -as there will be no going back for me. I don't have PTSD although some of the pain / ruminations/nightmares have been pretty intense but thankfully have worn off over time -I am putting hell of lot of effort into healing and distracting -although moments like this when life stops and I'm sat alone -it comes back -but with less intensity. I did say at one point about feeling like everyone is on a spectrum of some sort of attachment difficulty -I clearly self harm in the form of relationships! I am drawn to the dark side-we are all nihilists to certain degrees, but I must learn not to allow other people's darkness to consume me -I have a lot of empathy and it gets me in trouble at times -I have some strange defense mechanisms at times which cause me trouble -I am unpicking all of this with my therapist. What I am gradually remembering and re-learning is to focus on me and my authentic self -nurturing this will be beneficial for me and the world -I will never allow myself to get drawn into caretaking someone again -my continued use of this site and my therapy sessions and just carrying on living and enjoying life will ensure that! xxx

[cherryblossom]

I like the flying monkeys analogy. Reminds me of 'The Wizard of Oz'. So appropriate for the chaotic, swarming cloud that overtakes when entering into the presence of those w/BPD.

Circle, not to self, don't use dark purple highlight with black letters ... .hard to read, jus saying    

overtime I see my mother calling on my cell, the theme from Wiz of Oz starts to play in my mind. One of the group suggested and pointed me to downloading the theme for her ring tone ... .now I just laugh when I hear it ... .lmbo

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SESI19h4wDo

J

I wondered what flying monkeys meant? I thought it meant the people with BPD's cronies? -the people they have on their side to help split you black

[cherryblossom]

I truly wish you the very best on your journey of self discovery~!  I believe that nothing but good can come from this in the end.      How many people in this world go through life blissfully ignorant about where they come from or why things are the way they are?  I commend you and encourage you on your progress and your continued exploration! 

J

Thank you! x