Daughter with BPD

[henkimley]

My adult daughter has had many years of issues, drug abuse - last year diagnosed with BPD. I have done everything to help her. She has been in counseling for a long time and in 5 - rehabs. Now is 21 and working and extremely abusive, angry to me.  I have put up with the disrespect and rages and not coming home and filthy conditions of her room.  I have just recently found out that she is now addicted to relationships and dangerous sexual behavior.  I gave her some guidelines last week to stay in my home - to pay $25 a week toward rent, take care of her room and cat, not to yell and me and call me filthy names and to let me know she is safe and call me when she is not coming home. She said "F: you and told me that I am a loser and the reason for all her issue - she owes me nothing, I am out of her life and she tells all her friends, coworkers what a terrible human being I am. What? Who me? Now, she has blocked me from her phone, I have no idea where she is but know she is showing up at work. She never wants to talk to me again. I do not know if she is in a safe living environment and I have done nothing but give her love and support. i am not perfect - but I am not this pretend monster parent either. I am worried, hurt, and do not know what to do. I cannot contact the counselor, check up with any friend or co-worker as she is 21 and also - she keeps her private life secret. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Can hear your hurt.  So, so sorry... .but... .you are not alone.  We all hurt.  The secret is not to show it to your daughter.  She is looking for "the button" to push... .the one that will give her the most bang-for-her-buck.  You are going to have to draw a line in the sand.  Verbal abuse is not acceptable... .and verbal abuse can turn into physical abuse... .so nip it in the bud.

It is good that she is going to work.  One less worry to worry about.

Hang in there, Mom!

[Bpd mother]

So sorry you are hurting. I am in a similar situation in as much as my adult daughter blames me for her Bpd and has cut me out of her life. Again I was not a perfect parent but do not recognise the person she thinks I am.

There are a few of us on here going through a similar experience and their kind words have helped . I don't have a lot of advice as it is still very raw with me but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

[lbjnltx]

The initial setting of limits, expectations and boundaries is very triggering for our kids.  It feels like rejection to them, accusations and judgment.

How we set limits, expectations and boundaries is almost as important as the statements themselves. 

Did your d move out or just take a few things and leave impulsively?

Either way, she will most likely come back into your life in some way/shape/form.  Working on improving the understanding of this illness and how it manifests in our children, learning ways to improve communication and the relationship can really help mend things between ourselves and our children.

Most of the work will lie at your feet and the members here are willing to help you through this.

lbj