Most Surreal and Painful Experience of my Life

[HighDingyDoo7]

Hello, everyone.

    I am struggling to process a multitude of thoughts and feelings.

    The past few weeks have been the most surreal and horrible of my life.

    I met "Kelly" three years ago. I was shy when it came to romance. I hadn't been "loved" before, and although I desired an intimate relationship, had trouble initiating. Her picture popped up on my computer screen beneath a heading titled "People You May Know." It looked like we indeed knew many of the same people. How had I not seen her before? I added her to my list of contacts.

    She initiated.

    It started with a soup recipe.

     Our conversations flowed naturally. We had similar tastes in many areas.

    I was excited, but didn't want to rush things. "Kelly" had her own place and was several years older than myself. We had begun to communicate under harmless and non-awkward terms. Regardless of what it led to, I had at least made a great new friend.

     I learned that "Kelly" lived blocks from my home. Furthermore, she shared my love for late-night walks. Her poetic descriptions of late summer evenings were beautiful.

    On an evening in early September, I met her standing under a tree near the library.

    I was attracted to this lady. She was quiet, but we walked late into the night. Before I went home, I suggested that we meet up again. It was hard to tell whether she was interested, but the next day she agreed to another walk.

    The second night, we met to go stargazing.

     "I prefer to walk at night", she told me. "I get overwhelmed by people and noise and all of the energy during the day. That's why I spend a lot of my time alone."

    There was a sadness to her, but I didn't find it threatening.

    "Kelly" shivered, and I knew what I needed to do. I wrapped my arm around her. She leaned her head against me and let out what felt like a sigh of relief. never felt so enamored.

    Finally, she posed the question.

    "Want to come back to my place?"

    "Kelly's" apartment was nice from outside, but I was shocked when we entered. It was littered with cardboard, papers, unwashed laundry, broken appliances and knickknacks. The kitchen sink overflowed with moldy dishes, and the refrigerator with rotten food.

     I recognized the severity... .but due to my new infatuation, focused on the books stacked on her shelves, some antiques on a corner table, and the butterfly decals taped to the walls.

    "Kelly" was confusing, but I liked her.

    After some conversation, my new friend offered me an opportunity to spend the night. I was nervous, but didn't refuse.

     Reassuring me that I was in a safe and loving place, she said that she found me very attractive and openly asked if I was interested in sharing my body. I was a nervous virgin, but agreed. We were responsible and used protection. She was gentle, and the experience left me euphoric.

    I was soon spending every other night with "Kelly." I attended classes, so it helped that she "came out at night." Our schedules fit.

    As we shared sexual experiences, we opened up emotionally. I learned that "Kelly" was recovering from lots of pain. She was sexually abused, had trouble keeping jobs or pursuing educational goals, ran away from home, and experimented with substance abuse. This was heart-wrenching, but she seemed to have broken free. I cared for her, and hoped to help in her transition.

    Over the coming weeks, I fixed up the apartment. Everything looked great, and "Kelly" was delighted.

     Over time, however, some problems began surfacing. While I had cleaned the apartment thoroughly, old habits were dying hard. I'd arrive in the evening to find new stacks of dirty dishes, garbage in corners, or objects mysteriously appearing as if thrown about.

    I considered these to be annoyances, but not deal-breakers. There was too much to treasure.

    By day, "Kelly" sent text messages that made me feel things I hadn't felt before. I received presents. A music CD. A plush kitten. A book. When I got to her apartment, she would be waiting with a snack and film. We stayed up watching documentaries, enjoyed more long walks, and outings to places of interest.

    It was soon time to "meet the families."

    "Kelly's" family were kind, but it was clear that they had all experienced great turmoil. I heard talk of intense conflict and betrayal between relatives. I viewed this as a relic of "Kelly's" past, rather than an ongoing struggle. I would do whatever it took.

    Over time, things settled down. Everywhere we went, "Kelly" took a photograph and shared it with the world. She wrote my name in notebooks, drawing hearts around it. She crafted adorable creations... .tiny gifts that filled me with a feeling of innocent, pure love. One of them in particular, a tiny blue butterfly wearing a scarf, still sits on my desk. It still makes me feel loved.

    Naturally, I repaid her. Sometimes I'd take her for a surprise drive through the countryside, treat her to dinner and a movie, or buy little gifts. It wasn't a material-based relationship, but I loved to offer tokens of friendship... .reminders that I loved her and that she meant so much to me.

    "Kelly" was infatuated in her own way. She was eager to publicly display affection for me. This could be embarrassing, but I enjoyed how flattering it felt.  

    Sometimes, in a crowded theater or restaurant, she became overwhelmed and fled. I was understanding, and went to comfort her.

    Problems arose on a night when "Kelly" threw her first party... .the result of living a sheltered childhood. We dressed up, planned a menu and created a nice ambience. Friends showed up. Throughout the evening, "Kelly" was unusually quiet and stressed.

    After the guests left, I asked what the problem was. "Kelly" began to cry, and said that she felt disrespected by my friends. I was horrified, and offered to console her. I asked what had happened.

    "They came to my apartment, but paid no attention to me", she replied. "They used my silverware and ate my food, but have no respect for me. They think I'm a failure."

    The episode was bizarre... .but perhaps something had happened behind my back. After all, "Kelly" loved me. Why would she lie about my friends?

    I told her that I was upset to hear how my friends had behaved, and that I would not invite them to her place again. She was satisfied, and things continued as normal.

    The pattern continued, but slowly. "Kelly" not only had trouble with my friends, but her own. She was always in conflict with people she was closest to, saying that they had "betrayed" her. Days later, she would be speaking fondly of the same person and saying that they deserved another chance. These interactions continued slowly until one day the severity of the situation became apparent.

    "I have no friends anymore", she admitted.

    "We can change that", I insisted. "Let's get out more and meet some new people!"

    But "Kelly" wasn't interested in going out. She didn't even like walking at night. She spent all of her time with me, and became panicked when I wasn't around.

    I had never felt so confused. I wanted and needed her. I loved her... .but why did I feel so drained? Why did I seem defeated if I was in love?

    "Kelly" didn't drive, so I drove her wherever she needed to go... .the laundromat, grocery store, the pharmacy. Errands became more frequent, to a point at which all of our time together involved me caring for her. I didn't get angry. After all, "Kelly" was recovering from a traumatic past.

      "Kelly" eventually asked if I wanted to be her husband. I knew that there were problems, but also that no marriage is perfect. I agreed, and she announced it to the world through social media. We made plans for a life together. We hoped to relocate, find work, and share a home.

    I knew that establishing a home begins with finances, so pursued additional certifications and a four-month paid internship. It was only a matter of time before something came along.

    Meanwhile, "Kelly" wanted to go back to school. Due to her financial situation, she couldn't cover tuition. I was willing to cover it if it could help us. I was proud of "Kelly" to see her showing up at classes on time, studying faithfully, and bringing home tests with outstanding scores. She became certified, and was in the process of studying for a final licensing test, the fee of which I also agreed to cover.

    Due to some problems at the old apartment, she soon relocated to a nicer one slightly farther away, where we planned to settle down until work brought us out of the area.

    The new place was beautiful, but old habits resurfaced. Dirty dishes piled in the sink. Rotten food in the refrigerator. Overflowing garbage cans. I was feeling exhausted every day from trying to keep up with "Kelly's" messy habits. We had discussed them, and she said that she was committed to changing. I believed her.

     I presented my fiancee with an heirloom engagement ring, fixed with a new stone from a local jeweler. Presenting "Kelly" with the ring brought tears to her eyes, and many photographs on social media posts.

    The job search continued. I landed interviews, was told that I was "close", but nothing was turning up. I had faith that it would.

    "Kelly", on the other hand, felt defeated.

    "I'd get too stressed working in a hospital. Maybe I could be a sterile processing technician, but only at a very small clinic where people were nice to me. I'm wondering if I should even take the licensing test."

    Now I was concerned, but didn't know how to handle it. When I felt a need to, "Kelly" would run into my arms with a cute drawing, or a cupcake, or poem about our marriage. Was I overreacting? We could handle anything!

    In February, I took a short trip for a business opportunity. We discussed it in advance, and "Kelly" was even excited it. The trip led me to a remote region where phone access is sporadic. She understood. Regardless, before returning home, I stopped at a hotel to check my e-mail messages and received a very frantic one, saying that we needed to talk when I got back. I was sick with worry.

    When I returned home, my personal belongings sat near the door in boxes.

    "I got carried away", she said. "I didn't hear from you and felt betrayed. But I can forgive you."

    This didn't sit well with me. It seemed too mercurial.

    The destruction of our relationship started several weeks ago, when my cousin invited family members to an out-of-state wedding.

    Immediately after my cousin and his wife exchanged vows, "Kelly" disappeared. I found her blocks away sobbing. I put my arms around her and asked what was wrong.

    "This is the problem!" she exclaimed. "It has been all along! You don't know what's wrong!"

    I asked what was bothering her.

    "Your family treats me like dirt. They think I'm stupid and unworthy. They don't want us together. You can't stand up for me. You've had the chance... .but I need a strong man. I need a man with a backbone who can fight for his woman. You'll never be able to, because you love your Mom more than me!"

    I was stunned. My family had bent over backwards for "Kelly." They took her out for birthday dinners, gave her books, planned outings, drove her to and from classes when I was unable, and even took her to the emergency room one night. Where had this deep resentment come from?

    I figured that I should spend my evening in the hotel room, consoling her as she fell asleep. Oddly, she woke up in the middle of the night feeling very sexual. Nothing was making sense.

    The entire ride home, "Kelly" didn't say a word. As soon as we arrived home, she said she couldn't marry me. She needed a "hard-working man with a backbone" instead of a "little boy."

    I told her that we all needed to talk separately. I took my parents aside and said that "Kelly" didn't want to talk with them. She also wanted to give back everything they had given her. I made it clear that this didn't reflect my own feelings. I loved her and I loved my parents (albeit in very different ways) and just wanted to diffuse the situation. When I went back to "Kelly" and told her what I had done, she seemed satisfied... .but only for awhile.

    The topic came up again. And again. And again.

    "You talked with them, but you are being a coward. You need to man up. You need to care for me, the same way my father or brothers would care for their wives. Be a man! Not a little boy!"

    This was an abusive relationship. I was paralyzed. What should I do? How could I just suddenly close the door? How could I shut off love and infatuation like a light switch, leaving my partner broken and vulnerable?

    I told her to take a day to think it over. She agreed. The next day, I received a voicemail message saying that she was returning the engagement ring because she couldn't marry a "coward."

    When I showed up the next day, "Kelly" was affectionate once again, as if nothing had happened.

    I sat on the sofa, feeling hurt and confused. She leaned against me. Then the anger came back. Her facial expression changed completely, and the insults came.

    "Are you a man, or a little boy? Do you expect me to burp you? Do you expect me to be your mommy? When are you going to stop trying and start actually doing?"

    I felt so ill that I almost passed out. I couldn't move, and ended up falling asleep next to her on the sofa.

    When I woke up in the middle of the night, "Kelly" was staring at me. "Boys say", she said. "Men do."

    "What on earth do you want me to do?"

    "You still don't know! You're not ready for a relationship. Stop looking for a job and actually get one. Leave your family. Contribute your share and do your work around here. Be a man! Be a man!"

    "I'm doing everything I can", I responded.

    "Your family has scarred you", she said. "They are mentally ill... .textbook examples of mental illness... .and you think it's all normal!"

    I couldn't take it any longer.

    "I love you, but this is toxic. I have to leave."

   

    I left.

    I am wounded. I don't know what to do. It ended so abruptly.

   

   

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Welcome HighDingyDoo7,


Whoa. That is a lot to take. First I would suggest going no contact and mean NO CONTACT.  It is tough to go no contact with these type of people. We end up wanting them like a drug addict wants his/her drug. But it is the best decision you will make in your life. I am telling you for experience. Please believe me.  There are many of us in this community that have been to something similar and it is the most painful thing that one can endure.

I have had many injuries in sports but I rather have that than an emotional injury like this. What I would also suggest is to seek professional therapy so you can heal and start anew. You have mention of all the lies and the victim role she has played on your post and those are typical signs of a person with BPD.


Also, don’t be surprised if she asks you to “talk” and patch things up. Please don’t do it, this her way of trying to recycle you and bring you back into web of emotional destruction. Once you are back into her web you will be poisoned more and it will get much harder to heal from this.

Take care of yourself and don’t look back. As many others here, we try to help them and we pay dearly for it.

[JerryRG]

Hello HighDingyDoo7

Notsurewhattothinkofthis is right and ONLY YOU can make this difficult decision.

I was stubborn and willful and deluded myself that I was different, I was unique.

I was warned by every single person in my life from day one to stay away from my BPDgf.

I resisted their pleas, I forged deeper and got my exgf pregnant.

NOTHING WE DO WILL HELP THEM, CHANGE THEM, MAKE THEM BETTER, MORE LOVING, SANE, NICE, KIND, DESENT, RESPECTFUL, STOP THE LIES!

Nothing will ever help them.

Get away before she destroys you even more

I share custody of a 2 year boy, he will be forever scared because of his mother's illness. I not only allowed her to tear my heart to shreds I brought an innocent child into the mix and now he will suffer too.

Do NOT think you are different, she will gut you and burn you to the ground and laugh as you die.

My exgf overdosed in my apartment and I did nothing but save her kife, she now tells people I raped her.

NOTHING is sacred to these warped creatures,

Absolutely Nothing will fill their empty black hearts.

They were betrayed as children, they think like children and have the skills of an adult to carry out their cold revenge and destroy ever good thing they touch.

Please listen, don't make the choices I made unless you are prepared to live a life of hell on earth.

[londons]

hello highdd7, oh my gosh... .you wrote a beautiful post.  it is painful to read and my heart hurts for you.  i wish i had a wand to wave to take away your pain.   i have no answers, because if i did, i would be healed and over my ex of 9 years, too.    i can tell you that i am thinking of you and hoping things improve for you.   take care of yourself, and thank you so much for sharing your personal story.   hugs, londons.

[rfriesen]

Hi HighDingyDoo7,

It really is a beautiful, heartbreaking post, as londons says. My heart goes out to you as well. The abruptness of that kind of ending ... .believe me, I can relate to that. It's very very hard to deal with -- you've been in crisis control for so long, just trying to heal the pain of the person you love. You still see them as that loving, caring, vulnerable person you connected with ... .if only you could heal the pain they keep expressing, then you could get back on track. But the way they're expressing that pain becomes more and more cruel, more and more toxic ... .until they either cut you right out, or force you to do it for your own survival.

And then you're left feeling like you've abandoned that person who made you feel so desperately needed, wanted, loved.

When things finally ended with my ex, I had a horrible sinking feeling throughout my whole chest and stomach area for weeks. I mean, it literally felt like I was falling into myself and I had trouble functioning throughout the day. It's truly like falling away from the person you love more than anything.

Probably the most challenging thing about it is trying to gain a balanced view on the person you loved, seeing that they weren't simply that amazing person you fell for or the cruel person who broke you, but both at once, and that you have to accept that the situation is too toxic to fix.

I really wish you the best in your recovery. Surround yourself with family and friends you feel safe and comfortable around, and also take time to yourself.

[HighDingyDoo7]

Hello everyone,

     Thank you for all of your kind and encouraging words. I have reached out to others today, but I think that most people who have not experienced this type of situation firsthand (understandably) have trouble understanding the pain, attachment and denial involved. This forum is a good place to be.

     The issue of continued contact is a good one to raise. I hadn't made any attempts to contact her, but much to my horror, caved in today and began responding. It truly is like a powerful drug addiction.

     My BPDgf knew my greatest sensitivities, concerns and insecurities. She used that knowledge to heal me, and is now using it to destroy me.

     She always knew that I am exceptionally sensitive to the concept of pain and suffering, and couldn't bear to hear stories of cruelty toward animals or children in particular. To nurture that compassion, she would often make adorable stuffed animal friends for me, using felt, yarn, plastic googly eyes etc. Whenever I would be very sad about a cruel or inhumane thing that I had heard about, she would use these lovely little friends to heal me. I may be a grown man, but I melted when the stuffed animals appeared at the bedside. I would tear up and she would comfort me with endearing little voices. Each character had a voice of its own.

     Now she is using those same stuffed animal friends to hurt me. She is bringing them up lovingly in messages, saying that they don't want to see me sad and are here to comfort me. I know they are only stuffed animals, but they are imbued with spirit, like totems. They are an extension of the love that she would show for me when I was feeling most broken. Just the thought of it breaks me into a heart-wrenching panic and the tears won't stop falling.

     I do love the little creatures. They still symbolize something very real to me.

     I will have to pull through and rebuild what is now broken, bloody and raw.

[rfriesen]

It truly is like a powerful drug addiction.

My BPDgf knew my greatest sensitivities, concerns and insecurities. She used that knowledge to heal me, and is now using it to destroy me.

These two points are absolutely true to my experience. It is very much like a drug addiction and when you dwell on the high points, reminisce about the good times, daydream about that old rush of happiness ... .it's impossible not to long for that again. You need to balance that by remembering the difficulties too, and how toxic the relationship became. That way you can begin to learn where you needed to draw boundaries to stay healthy.

My ex also learned everything she could about what makes me tick. I reread some old cards, notes, letters from her the other day - and more than once she had written something along the lines of, "I love everything about you and want to know every single one of your thoughts, to feel every feeling you feel, to treasure every detail about you." At the time it was so powerfully seductive. It still has some of that power, but it's also chilling to read now. Because once things turn toxic, and they know your mind and heart inside and out like that ... .it leaves you so incredibly vulnerable. And the feeling of someone you love wanting to hurt you as deeply as possible, when you feel that vulnerable -- it's a devastating experience.

As a number of people with more insight than me have said on these boards, no contact is a tool and not necessarily a goal. The real goal is to learn how to draw healthy boundaries in relationships, not simply from a place of fear or defensiveness, but because boundaries are essential to healthy relationships grounded in mutual respect and trust. So try to go no contact if you feel that's what you need to regain your health and sanity. But if you find yourself in contact with your ex, remember that the key is to draw boundaries that allow you to feel safe. You can express sympathy and care for you ex, but you shouldn't be made to feel guilty or responsible for her pain when you have already given all you can to this person and need to take care of yourself now.

[Turkish]

I survived 6 yeas and two kids. I often got similar verbiage, like "a real man would do this." Be that way, be this way, it's maddening. No matter what she said about her family, she telegraphs signs of a severely negelected child. You became the avatar of the Parent she wishes she had, but never did, most likely. We are who we are, however, and it can be hard to realize that we are individuals aside from the projections.

Social interactions were similarly embarassing. But what was embarrasing were often her waifish behaviors. You sound like you did the right things, even validating her. Do you have trouble seperating yourself from her behaviors and actions? You aren't responsible for her feelings.