Surviving the waif. Need to vent.

[Dhand77]

My exBPDgf, very much fits "The waif" mold. Quiet and withdrawn, silent treatment, never raged outwardly only inward. She complained CONSTANTLY about EVERYTHING.  In four years, she never showed signs of cracks in the relationship. She never let me know what was going on in her head. She never complained about the relationship. The only signs I can notice in retrospect, was that about once a year she was concerned about "where we are going".  I would always try to validate and let her know, I'm in this forever. I tried to let her know, I wasn't going anywhere, don't worry about where it's going. I love her, she loves me(yeah), we never have any drama, so why make drama out of nothing, and enjoy the ride. We saw each other every other weekend, because of our kids. But since we worked together, I got to see her everyday day. Our last conversation like that was August. I thought I settled her mind down like I always did. I was wrong. In January, the emotional time bomb that was my exBPDgf exploded. Right after Christmas she started sleeping with the replacement and I was soon discarded, given a ton of lame and petty excuses that were never ever discussed and that was that. When I tried to talk, she would deny me. When I confronted her about the replacement, she blocked me on social media. Then she started with weird, immature behavior, repeatedly popping up, almost like a stalker, until my co-workers called her on it. Then she just resorted to making sure she was seen going to lunch with different guys. It all became incredibly high school feeling.


I think I'm just venting. But I miss the relationship today. I miss that person. I miss that excited Monday after Game of Thrones discussion. I even miss her complaining about her lunch. Now, now I walk by her like we shared nothing. Now I walk by her like a perfect stranger, and although I try to "fake it" and keep a smile on my face and act like I don't care, it kills me.

I've learned a lot about BPD in the past few months, and your stories are an inspiration here. The forum has helped me immensely. It helps me know, I'm not alone.

But today, I feel alone. Today, I just want to break NC(little over a month now) and try to talk to her. But I know that's hopeless. I know that it isn't even worth it. I know I can't have a friendship or relationship with her, because it will be one sided and all about her. Just like our 4 years together were, all about her.

*sigh*

I dunno, I know a lot of you guys and gals had to deal with some really nasty stuff with your BPDexes. Especially with the "ragers". Mine was a slow bomb waiting to explode. I'm just a little lost today. Normally, I try to stay very upbeat and positive. That I know I can get through this, that I WILL get through this.

But today I'm just hurt and mad about it and I hate missing it all. I hate her for making this weird, screwed up situation the new status quo between us and she acts like "it's no big deal". I hate being 38 and alone again. I hate that I haven't "bounced back" yet like when my other relationships parted ways. I hate seeing her face. I hate feeling this way.

I'm faking it till I make it. But damn, today has been tough for some reason.

[vortex of confusion]

I don't have any words of wisdom. Wanted to offer you some words of support. I think everyone has those days when they miss the good days. I have an awesome boyfriend yet there are still days when I feel overwhelmed by the pain and grief that stbx husband has caused. There are days when I miss the way he was when the kids were little. We have 4 kids together and it pains me to have to push him away and keep him at a distance. I have to keep him at a distance or he will mess with my head. It pains me that he acts like there was never anything between us. He has told me all about some chick that he has a spiritual connection with and how he feels different about her than he has ever felt about any woman. Most days, I am okay. Other days, not so much.

[JerryRG]

Hey Dhand77, vortex

Been here too, pwBPD are immature and selfish, it's all about them so no matter what we chose to do we lose them eventually. They will be forever bound to lives of children, never reaching a level of mature relationship we nons can and for that I am thankful.

My exgf hates herself and her life and wonders why she's doomed to find all the wrong people and she's the victum. She doesn't have the capacity to understand it isn't them, it's her. And she's afraid to change or she don't know how and she's in for a very lonely life of empty promises and lies.

[Dhand77]

I swear. People with BPD are $$holes. Only they act like everyone around them is an $$hole. Then they try to treat you like an $$hole when they discard, detach and devalue. At least when I'm being an $$hole, I'm aware of it. I apologize for it.

It's like "Oh, hey guy, and awesome boyfriend, that I spent 4 years with, saying I love you, only I was actually kinda faking it the entire time until you start to sniff out my negative traits and someone I consider better comes along, I'm never gonna have the guts to actually apologize to you ever because I'm an $$hole so I'm just gonna ignore the crap out of you and at a later date probably contact you like nothing ever happened."

Such an $$hole move.

[Anez]

Hey Dhand, sorry you're having a tough day. I've found Monday's can be like that because we get through the weekend and are doing ok and then we have to see the ghost that is our ex Monday morning at work and everything comes back to punch you in the gut. It's hard.

I have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to say to you that I know how it feels and that you're not alone.

Your a$$hole rant did make me laugh out loud tho and was dead on. We must keep our sense of humor during all of this.

Fight through the hard days, dude. It's all you can do.

[SummerStorm]

Hi Dhand77,

I know exactly where you're coming from.  Today, my BPD former best friend/former lover posted two pictures on Snapchat, one with her new best friend and one with the guy she's now apparently recycling with.  So, that was a double whammy.  We consider each other friends, and she talks positively about me to other people, but she sure tries everything in her power to make me feel awful. 

Like you, I just miss talking to the person I was so close to a year ago.  I miss waking up to a text from her.  I miss seeing her every day.  I miss watching TV with her.  I even miss her complaining about my driving.  I miss knowing that, if I sent her a text, I would get an immediate reply. 

I guess the thing that makes me really upset is that she has been friends with this new girl for almost a year, and it doesn't seem like there have been any cracks in the friendship.  They hang out, tag each other on Facebook, post pictures, etc.  Meanwhile, I've been trying to see her for almost a year, to no avail. 

[sweet tooth]

I swear. People with BPD are $$holes. Only they act like everyone around them is an $$hole. Then they try to treat you like an $$hole when they discard, detach and devalue. At least when I'm being an $$hole, I'm aware of it. I apologize for it.

It's like "Oh, hey guy, and awesome boyfriend, that I spent 4 years with, saying I love you, only I was actually kinda faking it the entire time until you start to sniff out my negative traits and someone I consider better comes along, I'm never gonna have the guts to actually apologize to you ever because I'm an $$hole so I'm just gonna ignore the crap out of you and at a later date probably contact you like nothing ever happened."

Such an $$hole move.

Although I don't really agree with labeling (i.e. Referring to someone as an $$hole) from a psychological standpoint, I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head, especially with the "contact you like nothing happened" remark. My ex did that to me several times. She told me not to contact her again two months ago. I'm still waiting for/expecting her to reappear like Houdini as if nothing happened (on HER terms)... .I feel your pain. It's probably only a matter of time for the both of us. It sounds like you're in a much better place than I am. My ex re-opened old wounds that were either healed or in the process of healing. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through... .keep in mind I was emotionally abused by my sister for years, grew up with a dad who was a problem drinker that put a strain on the family, and was sexually assaulted for a year and a half by a "friend" of mine. This episode with the BOD (a quiet Waif like yours) takes the cake. I thought if I survived the sexual abuse any other trauma would be easy... .boy was I wrong... .

[sweet tooth]

And I miss my person terribly, too, despite all of the nonsense. I miss her laugh, her smile, how happy she made me feel, her sense of humor, her adventurous spirit, her spontaneity; when she was "baseline" she was very sweet, understanding, and caring. I never had as much fun with another person, and I don't think I ever will. I cared about her more than any other woman I've ever known. I loved her (and part of me still does).  It's heart breaking, and I feel your pain... .

[Hadlee]

I guess the thing that makes me really upset is that she has been friends with this new girl for almost a year, and it doesn't seem like there have been any cracks in the friendship.  They hang out, tag each other on Facebook, post pictures, etc.  Meanwhile, I've been trying to see her for almost a year, to no avail. 

Hey Summer

I can relate to this.  I've seen the same thing with my former friend.  No cracks, nothing.  It's frustrating. 

[Hadlee]

I think being with a waif is really difficult to heal from.  A lot of the abuse is subtle, but so dangerous to our well being.  For me, it would have been easier had they have lashed out, I could have justified my hatred (for a time) towards them.

It's like "Oh, hey guy, and awesome boyfriend, that I spent 4 years with, saying I love you, only I was actually kinda faking it the entire time until you start to sniff out my negative traits and someone I consider better comes along, I'm never gonna have the guts to actually apologize to you ever because I'm an $$hole so I'm just gonna ignore the crap out of you and at a later date probably contact you like nothing ever happened."

Logically, that is definitely how it appears to be.  But, as we know, BPD is a serious mental illness, and pwBPD use defense mechanisms that don't make a lot sense to us nons.  The reality is, they did love us to the best of their ability.  The emotions they felt became overwhelming to them, so they had to bail.  It's their way of coping with the overwhelming fear and pain they are constantly in.  This concept is so foreign to us as we do not operate in this way.

It takes time to heal.  I'm sorry you are feeling down.  It must be difficult having to work with yours. 

Stay strong

[sweet tooth]

Busygall: I wouldn't have tolerated rages, physical violence, etc. The subtle abuse is much more insidious, in my opinion. It's enough for you to know something is wrong but not necessarily enough to justify leaving until you're very damaged.

[Dhand77]

Hey Dhand, sorry you're having a tough day. I've found Monday's can be like that because we get through the weekend and are doing ok and then we have to see the ghost that is our ex Monday morning at work and everything comes back to punch you in the gut. It's hard.

I have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to say to you that I know how it feels and that you're not alone.

Your a$$hole rant did make me laugh out loud tho and was dead on. We must keep our sense of humor during all of this.

Fight through the hard days, dude. It's all you can do.

Ah she got the drop on me yesterday. I thought she was long gone at lunch, but ended up behind me at the elevators. It kinda rattled my cage a little. I'm usually in much more control of how and when I see her.

What's sad, is that I feel like a lot of this could be easier if we actually TALKED like adults. Instead of whatever this weird status quo is.

[Hadlee]

Busygall: I wouldn't have tolerated rages, physical violence, etc. The subtle abuse is much more insidious, in my opinion. It's enough for you to know something is wrong but not necessarily enough to justify leaving until you're very damaged.

Wholeheartedly agree.  The guilt I felt when I walked away ate at me for quite some time.

[Rayban]

Hey Dhand, sorry you're having a tough day. I've found Monday's can be like that because we get through the weekend and are doing ok and then we have to see the ghost that is our ex Monday morning at work and everything comes back to punch you in the gut. It's hard.

I have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to say to you that I know how it feels and that you're not alone.

Your a$$hole rant did make me laugh out loud tho and was dead on. We must keep our sense of humor during all of this.

Fight through the hard days, dude. It's all you can do.

Ah she got the drop on me yesterday. I thought she was long gone at lunch, but ended up behind me at the elevators. It kinda rattled my cage a little. I'm usually in much more control of how and when I see her.

What's sad, is that I feel like a lot of this could be easier if we actually TALKED like adults. Instead of whatever this weird status quo is.

Dhand

I know exactly what you're going through. Working with or close to your ex is absolutely the worst. Having to see them everyday, worrying about running into them at the next corner. It all makes it so much harder to detach.

I also have days when her loud laughter gets to me. It still bugs me when random dudes are seen with her. I try to ignore it, but it's done right in front of me, on purpose. In those times I take solace that I escaped a marriage or having children with her. I also try to remember all the crap she put me through. In the end I should be happy that she's not my problem anymore.

[Dhand77]

Hey Dhand, sorry you're having a tough day. I've found Monday's can be like that because we get through the weekend and are doing ok and then we have to see the ghost that is our ex Monday morning at work and everything comes back to punch you in the gut. It's hard.

I have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to say to you that I know how it feels and that you're not alone.

Your a$$hole rant did make me laugh out loud tho and was dead on. We must keep our sense of humor during all of this.

Fight through the hard days, dude. It's all you can do.

Ah she got the drop on me yesterday. I thought she was long gone at lunch, but ended up behind me at the elevators. It kinda rattled my cage a little. I'm usually in much more control of how and when I see her.

What's sad, is that I feel like a lot of this could be easier if we actually TALKED like adults. Instead of whatever this weird status quo is.

Dhand

I know exactly what you're going through. Working with or close to your ex is absolutely the worst. Having to see them everyday, worrying about running into them at the next corner. It all makes it so much harder to detach.

I also have days when her loud laughter gets to me. It still bugs me when random dudes are seen with her. I try to ignore it, but it's done right in front of me, on purpose. In those times I take solace that I escaped a marriage or having children with her. I also try to remember all the crap she put me through. In the end I should be happy that she's not my problem anymore.

I'm not the kind of guy that runs from his problems. So, these past few months have been exceptionally frustrating. I just kind of exploded yesterday. I'm very logic driven. INTP on the Briggs-Meyers scale. She KNOWS I'm very logic driven. She has to know that this nonsense frustrates the crap out of me. Because, running from problems is something I can't wrap my brain around.

But logically it makes sense, if I'm frustrated or angry or bothered by it, she still maintains some sort of control over me.

Sure, she got the drop on me. But I never let it show that it rattled my cage. I kept up that smile. I can't show it affects me. I swear, this is like psychological warfare and it's certainly emotional bullying. But, I WILL win. I WILL prevail. I will not allow her to control me the way she does everyone else.

[sweet tooth]

Busygall: I wouldn't have tolerated rages, physical violence, etc. The subtle abuse is much more insidious, in my opinion. It's enough for you to know something is wrong but not necessarily enough to justify leaving until you're very damaged.

Wholeheartedly agree.  The guilt I felt when I walked away ate at me for quite some time.

I didn't even get to walk away. I was discarded and I'm now trapped in a trauma bond.

[Dhand77]

Busygall: I wouldn't have tolerated rages, physical violence, etc. The subtle abuse is much more insidious, in my opinion. It's enough for you to know something is wrong but not necessarily enough to justify leaving until you're very damaged.

Wholeheartedly agree.  The guilt I felt when I walked away ate at me for quite some time.

I didn't even get to walk away. I was discarded and I'm now trapped in a trauma bond.

^^^^ This. Being trapped in a trauma bond is the WORST. Having to see her on a daily basis makes it worse sometimes.

[JerryRG]

My exgf loves control Dhand

She can't control me now that I'm not in a relationship with her so she's using accusations to bother me from a distance. Very strange and I believe sick but she is mentally ill so this is to be expected.

Add the fact of childlike maturity and lies and the mix is very unpleasant. My exgf was awful when she claimed to love me, now that she's out of my life she will stop at nothing to harm me.

I don't have to see her everyday thankfully. I do have to manage limited contact because of our son.

Hope you are feeling better today 

[Anez]

Hey Dhand, sorry you're having a tough day. I've found Monday's can be like that because we get through the weekend and are doing ok and then we have to see the ghost that is our ex Monday morning at work and everything comes back to punch you in the gut. It's hard.

I have no words of wisdom. Just wanted to say to you that I know how it feels and that you're not alone.

Your a$$hole rant did make me laugh out loud tho and was dead on. We must keep our sense of humor during all of this.

Fight through the hard days, dude. It's all you can do.

Ah she got the drop on me yesterday. I thought she was long gone at lunch, but ended up behind me at the elevators. It kinda rattled my cage a little. I'm usually in much more control of how and when I see her.

What's sad, is that I feel like a lot of this could be easier if we actually TALKED like adults. Instead of whatever this weird status quo is.

Talking like adults would probably help things. If only they could talk like adults.

[sweet tooth]

Busygall: I wouldn't have tolerated rages, physical violence, etc. The subtle abuse is much more insidious, in my opinion. It's enough for you to know something is wrong but not necessarily enough to justify leaving until you're very damaged.

Wholeheartedly agree.  The guilt I felt when I walked away ate at me for quite some time.

I didn't even get to walk away. I was discarded and I'm now trapped in a trauma bond.

^^^^ This. Being trapped in a trauma bond is the WORST. Having to see her on a daily basis makes it worse sometimes.

Luckily I haven't seen mine since February and she deactivated her Facebook last year. However, I was receiving mysterious private LinkedIn views for awhile and I get the impression that she reactivates her Facebook to monitor me.

There was no finality to it even though she told me not to contact her again. I feel like at any moment she will say "Ta-Da!" and reappear as if nothing happened, on HER terms. And I'm just sick enough to let it happen... .

[Dhand77]

Busygall: I wouldn't have tolerated rages, physical violence, etc. The subtle abuse is much more insidious, in my opinion. It's enough for you to know something is wrong but not necessarily enough to justify leaving until you're very damaged.

Wholeheartedly agree.  The guilt I felt when I walked away ate at me for quite some time.

I didn't even get to walk away. I was discarded and I'm now trapped in a trauma bond.

^^^^ This. Being trapped in a trauma bond is the WORST. Having to see her on a daily basis makes it worse sometimes.

Luckily I haven't seen mine since February and she deactivated her Facebook last year. However, I was receiving mysterious private LinkedIn views for awhile and I get the impression that she reactivates her Facebook to monitor me.

There was no finality to it even though she told me not to contact her again. I feel like at any moment she will say "Ta-Da!" and reappear as if nothing happened, on HER terms. And I'm just sick enough to let it happen... .

Lol. She is in for it the day she tries to put out a feeler or recycle attempt. I swear, she is going to hear it so bad, she'll crawl back under her rock. I think she knows this. Which means I won't hear from her for at least a few years. Lol

[sweet tooth]

Busygall: I wouldn't have tolerated rages, physical violence, etc. The subtle abuse is much more insidious, in my opinion. It's enough for you to know something is wrong but not necessarily enough to justify leaving until you're very damaged.

Wholeheartedly agree.  The guilt I felt when I walked away ate at me for quite some time.

I didn't even get to walk away. I was discarded and I'm now trapped in a trauma bond.

^^^^ This. Being trapped in a trauma bond is the WORST. Having to see her on a daily basis makes it worse sometimes.

Luckily I haven't seen mine since February and she deactivated her Facebook last year. However, I was receiving mysterious private LinkedIn views for awhile and I get the impression that she reactivates her Facebook to monitor me.

There was no finality to it even though she told me not to contact her again. I feel like at any moment she will say "Ta-Da!" and reappear as if nothing happened, on HER terms. And I'm just sick enough to let it happen... .

Lol. She is in for it the day she tries to put out a feeler or recycle attempt. I swear, she is going to hear it so bad, she'll crawl back under her rock. I think she knows this. Which means I won't hear from her for at least a few years. Lol

I wish I could say the same. Despite all of the BS I still care deeply about mine. I think about her every day and miss her terribly.

[Dhand77]

Busygall: I wouldn't have tolerated rages, physical violence, etc. The subtle abuse is much more insidious, in my opinion. It's enough for you to know something is wrong but not necessarily enough to justify leaving until you're very damaged.

Wholeheartedly agree.  The guilt I felt when I walked away ate at me for quite some time.

I didn't even get to walk away. I was discarded and I'm now trapped in a trauma bond.

^^^^ This. Being trapped in a trauma bond is the WORST. Having to see her on a daily basis makes it worse sometimes.

Luckily I haven't seen mine since February and she deactivated her Facebook last year. However, I was receiving mysterious private LinkedIn views for awhile and I get the impression that she reactivates her Facebook to monitor me.

There was no finality to it even though she told me not to contact her again. I feel like at any moment she will say "Ta-Da!" and reappear as if nothing happened, on HER terms. And I'm just sick enough to let it happen... .

Lol. She is in for it the day she tries to put out a feeler or recycle attempt. I swear, she is going to hear it so bad, she'll crawl back under her rock. I think she knows this. Which means I won't hear from her for at least a few years. Lol

I wish I could say the same. Despite all of the BS I still care deeply about mine. I think about her every day and miss her terribly.

Sadly, I miss the crap out of the jerkette, but it comes down to respect. Which she has shown none of. I'll never forget the level of disrespect she has shown me. It fuels me. It keeps me sane.

[JerryRG]

Hey Dhand77

I thought of something in your post, how valuable respect is.

I gave up my dignity to be with my exBPDgf, I am getting that back.

I won't allow this to ever happen again, I can hold my head up high now and this is priceless!

[sweet tooth]

I've been treated disrespectfully by women my whole life, starting with my older sister when I was a small child. I don't know anything else.

[WoundedBibi]

I've been treated disrespectfully by women my whole life, starting with my older sister when I was a small child. I don't know anything else.

Then start doing something about that so you in time can detach from your ex.

[Dhand77]

Hey Dhand77

I thought of something in your post, how valuable respect is.

I gave up my dignity to be with my exBPDgf, I am getting that back.

I won't allow this to ever happen again, I can hold my head up high now and this is priceless!

Jerry,

From reading everyone's stories, a reoccurring theme I notice is a BPD's lack of respect. Now, maybe it's still the kid in me, that hung on a street corner in Philadelphia half his life, but this high level of disrespectfulness astounds me. It infuriates me.

BPD's disrespect our emotions, our intelligence, our relationships, our space, our boundaries, our feelings and the things we love.

Logically, these are self destructive people. Therefore, they don't respect themselves. No wonder they have no respect for any of us.

[JerryRG]

You got it Dhand77