Looking to regain peace...

[jlg]

  I am the adult (48) daughter of a BPD mother who I will describe as sometimes the waif... .mostly the queen and very very rarely the witch with the rest of the world.  With me I would describe her as very very rarely the waif always the queen and very often the witch.  None of this is new to me... .I've been aware of how sick she is and have spent much time, effort and emotion on learning about how that effects me and the rest of my family all of my adult life.  I've been able to find ways to keep my sanity and have something of a relationship with her... .and that worked for a long time. 

Why I'm here is that things have changed dramatically in the last (almost) 5 years, since my father's passing.  The changes are twofold.  For one... .I've lost my buffer!  While my father was alive I was able to keep whatever space I needed to (at any given moment) between my mother and I.  I have been thrown into a position I never imagined I would be in... .I guess I was afraid to, or was too busy to think this far ahead... .or I never imagined that my beloved father would pass first.  The second major change that is happening is... .aging.  I always wanted to think that she would mellow with age... .I think I knew that she wouldn't but I guess I just locked all of those thoughts away to deal with later. 

Well... .later is here... .right now.  Mellowing?  Ha!  Not in this lifetime... .her behavior has gotten worse and I can see that it's only going to continue to do so.  She'll be 80 this year... .she doesn't look or act even close to that but I can see her struggling to "behave" and not show her true colours to others in a way I have never seen her need to do before.  It's become an effort for her to appear "normal".  With me... .she has become even more lying, manipulative, mean, destructive and narcissistic.  Part of the problem I am presented with is that I too am getting older and I'm finding that I have much less patience for her behavior and so, because I choose to have a relationship with her, I have been struggling to keep my head above water and I need to find a better way to move forward. 

I have a brother who I am close with who tries to understand (he gets that our childhoods were very different... .in the same house but very different)... .he is as empathetic as he can be but the truth is that he really just doesn't have any clue what it's like for me.  He has lived hundreds of km away for close to 30 years (no accident in my opinion... .smart man my brother!) and even if he lived next door she would never in a million years ever treat him as she feels so comfortable with treating me.  We've talked recently about these new concerns and feelings that I have been having and I can see that he is trying to help... .by calling her more often, and visiting here and by being more available and open about listening to and supporting me.  I think he has guilt about me struggling to deal with her but at the same time he's also struggling with the loss of our father... .the loss of his wife and this aging thing our mother is doing.  So I think that he's about as much of a mess as I am and as much as he has my back he's coming from a whole other place than me and he just doesn't get it.  I appreciate that he tries to help but she's not going to change and he can't fix this for me... .I need to find new ways to cope.

Like everyone else here, my story, the lifetime of trauma and the emotions I have experienced being my mother's daughter are far more complicated than I can say in this introduction message.  I believe that spending time here with others who have similar experiences will give me some insight and help me learn better ways to cope moving forward. 

J       

[Kwamina]

Hi jlg and welcome to bpdfamily

You have been dealing with your disordered mom for a great many years. These last 5 years have been particularly difficult again after the passing of your father. Losing a parent isn't easy and I am very sorry for your loss.

When dealing with a BPD family-member, having firm boundaries is very important as boundaries help us protect ourselves and preserve our well-being. Do you feel comfortable setting and enforcing/defending boundaries with your mother?

You have been aware of your mother's problems for quite some time and the effects she has on you and the rest of your family. Do you feel that your mother has ever shown any awareness or acknowledgment of her issues? Has your mom perhaps ever gotten any help for her issues such as therapy?

Your mother's behavior has affected you. To help you heal, I encourage you to take a look at the Survivors' Guide for Adults who suffered childhood abuse in the right-hand side margin of this message board. The guide takes us from from survivor to thriver through 3 major stages: 1. Remembering --> 2. Mourning --> 3. Healing. This healing process isn't necessarily linear though, often we'll foin ourselves working on several steps at once and revisiting steps we had previously worked on. When you look at the guide, where do you feel you are right now? Are there any areas listed that you currently particularly find yourself struggling on?

Take care