DD having a wee meltdown again, need advice

[Yepanotherone]

So as you all know our Bpd's change with the wind ! Yesterday was a great day , today , from the moment my DD set foot out of bed , I could tell it's going to be a bad one today !

I need some advice from you all regarding how I need to communicate with her regarding this particular situation that has reared its head today

Bit of background -a few months ago,  :)H and I had agreed with DD that she could go on a church youth group trip in June if she was able to show us that she was in a good place , being consistently stable and taking her medications responsibly .

5 weeks ago however, she was hospitalized again following an overdose taking her psych meds. Even while lying on the stretcher in ER with charcoal all over her lips, she started the " so does this mean you won't let me go to California now? " questions . To which we of course told her that there is no way we would feel comfortable letting her go and having to place the responsibility of her safety into the hands of others we didn't even know.

So anyway, she hasn't raised the issue again... until today ! And all hell has broken lose !

Conversation went as follows:

DD- " so my friend texted me this morning to ask if I'm going on the California trip or not. Can I go ? "

My response " I'm afraid not , you know your dad and I dont feel comfortable with handing over the responsibility to others for keeping you safe and it wouldn't be fair to do that .  I know it's disappointing and I understand your feeling upset about it, I totally get that, I knew you were really looking forward to it but right now and given recent events, there's no way we can let you go, I'm sorry "

Her response " so you're going to let my friend have to share a room with someone she doesn't even know! I might as well not even bother going to Scotland either then !. ( we are going home in a couple of weeks for a vacation ). Why don't you trust me? Considering I'm at my happiest when I'm with my friends, I would be at my least likely to hurt myself and I wouldn't be dumb enough to do that. " ( this all said with raised voice and plenty of attitude)

Me: well DD, look at how you are talking to me right now, you don't seem to be in a good stable place.

DD" I'm not sad , I'm angry!"

Me: I understand your anger and frustration , I really do. I get it. What I've seen though over these last few months, your emotions and moods are very much intertwined with what's going on with your friends at the time , and you can change very quickly to the extent you suddenly become unsafe . This is why we can't let you go on this trip, and I'm really sorry for that, we wanted it for you too, but we aren't going to change our mind"

DD " well just shut up then and get out of my room"

Help ! I'm giving her her space right now, she'll only scream at me if I try to reason with her( ha)

Any advice on what I've said so far? How could I communicate better? What should I say next when she calms down ? ( she might be hurting herself right now, I don't know  she's lying in her bed with the lights out )

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi Yepanotherone

She is hearing what you say and is disappointed she is not well enough (however she tries) to earn the privilege to go on the trip with her friends, it may feel like a punishment, when it is not.  I'd consider offering something she can do with her friends and look forward to, like an accompanied camping weekend, later after the trip and vacation ... .with some activities thrown in.  Like you I'm sorry your daughter is missing out, these trips are very important to them, I remember well!

I hope the wind's blowing in the right direction today 

WDx

[lbjnltx]

You communicated well, you validated and you held your ground, making the best decision based on your daughter's behaviors and in her best interest.

What now?

As parents, the hardest thing to do is to not give in when we:

are fearful of the things our kids may do because we say "no"

hurt for our kids

denying them opportunities, privileges, etc... .because they didn't earn them

wendydarling made a good suggestion about giving her the opportunity to have another trip with her friends.  Personally, I would set the same expectations of stability would need to be met in order for her to have that privilege as well.  Otherwise... .you lose credibility and are inconsistent.

lbj

[Yepanotherone]

Thankyou both

I actually called her therapist shortly after posting to ask her advice because I was having silent heart failure sitting on the sofa wondering what on earth my DD was going to do . ( I'd had a quick scurry round her bathroom  to make sure there weren't any razors etc !)

The therapist suggested exactly what you did Wendydarling, pointed out that she would be feeling like this was a punishment and the option of an accompanied alternative trip would be an idea . And I agree lbj, that as tempting as it is to give in , primarily for fear of what she might do to herself if she doesn't get her way, is very real, but I'm learning that I have to stand my ground. The therapist agreed with me that there is no way she can be trusted to keep herself safe right now and told me that I should tell her that while I understand her disappointment and anger , I will never be sorry for keeping her safe , and if that makes her feel that she is therefore going to go hurt herself , then so be it, it's her choice to make , to either choose a healthy way of coping with her feelings or to go cut.

My DD actually came out of her room an hour or so later, pretty much as if nothing had happened ! So I just left it alone , at least for now. We shall see if it rears its head again. I don't know if she cut or not. I shall see for myself soon, as she wants me to apply a fake tan for her !

Today , she had a party with friends and they are all now down in our basement giggling away . So today is another good day !

It still feels surreal that this is my life now . I'm still dazed by the turn of events over the last few months . I keep thinking this is someone else's life , it's got to be !

[Yepanotherone]

Jeez I spoke too soon! Literally within 10 mins of posting my last message , she starts again. " can you just let me go , please just let me go ! Why not? I've not hurt myself for about 4 weeks ! " I stand my ground ,suggest that we can organise a camping trip , only to be told she doesn't want to go anywhere with me,  then I get a pillow thrown at me and told to go f**k myself  :'(

[lbjnltx]

Well that just stinks and is painful to hear.

Stand strong, defend your boundaries regarding verbal abuse and limits regarding disrespect.  Reiterate "I understand that you are disappointed, nevertheless, that is the decision."

How are things now?