struggling with breaking NC

[APB0613]

Hi everyone,

I posted a couple months back about my ending with uBPDxbf. I'm almost 3 months out and have been going to therapy, reading all i can about BPD, reading the post and lessons on this website, and working on my boundaries. I saw my doctor yesterday for a checkup and she told me i should be proud of the strides I'm making. The last time she saw me i was devastated and in shock with how things ended and the fact that the person i thought I'd spend the rest of my life with treated me. I know now that i had no control over the way he treated me (lying, cheating, verbal/physical/financial abuse), I didn't deserve it. However I ALLOWED IT. I know that I never want to go back to living that way, but I miss him. I miss him so so much and I still love him. His birthday is coming up soon and so is mine... .first life milestones apart  :'( This past week I've had to work really hard at maintaining no contact. All I want to do is reach out. Pick up my phone and send a text. Of course I stop myself and look at the list I wrote about how he is and how he treated me. It used to work wonders but now not so much, I still have the urge to contact him. I've written letters everyday this week to him in my journal... .I still want to reach out. Will he reply? What will he say? Will he tell me to leave him alone? Or will I get no response at all? How after 5 years could he not think about me or miss me like I miss him? I pray for strength, I pray for guidance. I just want to do what's best for me! When I look in the mirror now I can see little bits of myself again, not just an empty shell. I go wherever I want whenever I want and I'm happy to do so... .I smile and laugh now! I couldn't do that not so long ago. Any insight would be helpful

[married21years]

well done

yes we all alowed it but we were manipulated controlled and lied too

well done and stay strong

[Iona]

I don't think that your reaction/feelings are unusual. You have only been out of this relationship for 3 months - that is no time at all, and it is natural that during significant times ie birthdays, memories will come flooding back. Accept those questions/feelings as being natural and grieve. It is cliched, but 'time is a healer' and I'm sure your feelings of attachment will grow less as time passes. It would be odd if you were not thinking these thoughts after 5 years in a relationship. Make sue that you are spending your birthday with fun people who care for you!