Star Wars Analogy - my codependency is the dark side

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey guys, I made an interesting remark to my friend the other day and I thought I would expand on it here.   As a star wars fan, I always recall Yoda saying to Luke when Luke asked whether the Dark Side was more powerful and Yoda remarked "quicker, easier, more seductive"... .   

I've seen a pattern in the women that I tend to be attracted to, the crazies primarily, including of course my recent 4 year stint with my exBPD.  When I look at the "love bombing" and what not that these type of women do, I can see how my codependency and need for validation and affirmation is easily seduced by these women.  I "fall in love" quickly with them as I share too much too quickly with them and we're off to the races far sooner than any one should be in the course of a relationship.  I can see now that this comes from my lack of self-esteem and self-worth and when I see that someone is so attracted to me, I instantly pull my heart out of my chest and give this person all of my power because I don't think I deserve better and I'd better fully latch on to this person so I don't lose them.

I get addicted to the love bombing and the over-the-top admiration that these type of women provide to me early on in the relationship and when that disappears (as it did eventually with my exBPD), I start to feel so empty inside and desperately fighting for the return to that idealization phase, a process which pollutes and rots my soul.   An emotional rollercoaster, just like the dark side of the force! 

On the other hand, I can see now how a detachment from my own codependency is a long and slow process, much as the "light" side of the force.  When I'm calm and at peace is when I can feel a real connection with myself and can then feel the "force" flowing through me (inner peace and contentment with myself/God). 

Of course I'm not there yet in my process of healing.  I guess I feel like I'm just now being drawn back to the light and still feel the pull of the dark side but I just don't want to live in darkness and pain anymore.  I want to find a sense of peace with myself that I could live on Dagobah in a hut and be content.  Maybe at this point, I would be healthy enough to attract a healthy woman into my life... .  or maybe it's God's will for me to be alone, who knows, and perhaps that won't even bother me! 

I guess what I'm realizing now is that the quick and easy route to replacing my exBPD is not the way to go.  It will just keep me in my cycle of darkness and although it may feel good in the short-run, pain and misery is the endgame.   I would rather go through the painful process of discovery and healing now and have long-term contentment!   

[bdyw8]

Hey guys, I made an interesting remark to my friend the other day and I thought I would expand on it here.   As a star wars fan, I always recall Yoda saying to Luke when Luke asked whether the Dark Side was more powerful and Yoda remarked "quicker, easier, more seductive"... .   

I've seen a pattern in the women that I tend to be attracted to, the crazies primarily, including of course my recent 4 year stint with my exBPD.  When I look at the "love bombing" and what not that these type of women do, I can see how my codependency and need for validation and affirmation is easily seduced by these women.  I "fall in love" quickly with them as I share too much too quickly with them and we're off to the races far sooner than any one should be in the course of a relationship.  I can see now that this comes from my lack of self-esteem and self-worth and when I see that someone is so attracted to me, I instantly pull my heart out of my chest and give this person all of my power because I don't think I deserve better and I'd better fully latch on to this person so I don't lose them.

I get addicted to the love bombing and the over-the-top admiration that these type of women provide to me early on in the relationship and when that disappears (as it did eventually with my exBPD), I start to feel so empty inside and desperately fighting for the return to that idealization phase, a process which pollutes and rots my soul.   An emotional rollercoaster, just like the dark side of the force! 

On the other hand, I can see now how a detachment from my own codependency is a long and slow process, much as the "light" side of the force.  When I'm calm and at peace is when I can feel a real connection with myself and can then feel the "force" flowing through me (inner peace and contentment with myself/God). 

Of course I'm not there yet in my process of healing.  I guess I feel like I'm just now being drawn back to the light and still feel the pull of the dark side but I just don't want to live in darkness and pain anymore.  I want to find a sense of peace with myself that I could live on Dagobah in a hut and be content.  Maybe at this point, I would be healthy enough to attract a healthy woman into my life... .  or maybe it's God's will for me to be alone, who knows, and perhaps that won't even bother me! 

I guess what I'm realizing now is that the quick and easy route to replacing my exBPD is not the way to go.  It will just keep me in my cycle of darkness and although it may feel good in the short-run, pain and misery is the endgame.   I would rather go through the painful process of discovery and healing now and have long-term contentment!   

[anon72]

Hey guys, I made an interesting remark to my friend the other day and I thought I would expand on it here.   As a star wars fan, I always recall Yoda saying to Luke when Luke asked whether the Dark Side was more powerful and Yoda remarked "quicker, easier, more seductive"... . 

I've seen a pattern in the women that I tend to be attracted to, the crazies primarily, including of course my recent 4 year stint with my exBPD.  When I look at the "love bombing" and what not that these type of women do, I can see how my codependency and need for validation and affirmation is easily seduced by these women.  I "fall in love" quickly with them as I share too much too quickly with them and we're off to the races far sooner than any one should be in the course of a relationship.  I can see now that this comes from my lack of self-esteem and self-worth and when I see that someone is so attracted to me, I instantly pull my heart out of my chest and give this person all of my power because I don't think I deserve better and I'd better fully latch on to this person so I don't lose them.

I get addicted to the love bombing and the over-the-top admiration that these type of women provide to me early on in the relationship and when that disappears (as it did eventually with my exBPD), I start to feel so empty inside and desperately fighting for the return to that idealization phase, a process which pollutes and rots my soul.   An emotional rollercoaster, just like the dark side of the force!  

On the other hand, I can see now how a detachment from my own codependency is a long and slow process, much as the "light" side of the force.  When I'm calm and at peace is when I can feel a real connection with myself and can then feel the "force" flowing through me (inner peace and contentment with myself/God).  

Of course I'm not there yet in my process of healing.  I guess I feel like I'm just now being drawn back to the light and still feel the pull of the dark side but I just don't want to live in darkness and pain anymore.  I want to find a sense of peace with myself that I could live on Dagobah in a hut and be content.  Maybe at this point, I would be healthy enough to attract a healthy woman into my life... . or maybe it's God's will for me to be alone, who knows, and perhaps that won't even bother me!  

I guess what I'm realizing now is that the quick and easy route to replacing my exBPD is not the way to go.  It will just keep me in my cycle of darkness and although it may feel good in the short-run, pain and misery is the endgame.   I would rather go through the painful process of discovery and healing now and have long-term contentment!  

Hi Bdw8, just wanted to say that I also feel like my codependent side is my dark side (like your analogy).  I am also attracted to that type of woman, not sure whether any of them were BPD (but one most probably was), but had many of the characteristics you mention.  But, I couldn't agree more with what you said about going through the painful process of discovery and healing now for long-term contentment - rather than trying to replace someone and be drawn back to the dark side.  I have also decided that I am not dating until I am healthy enough to be content by myself, rather than looking for validation and affirmation from someone else.  And no longer want that over-the-top admiration that lasts for a short time - and then leaves me feeling empty.  So yes, can totally relate (even though the BPD person in my life was my mother).

Oops, used most of your own words above :D  Now that I look back at my life, most of my relationships have all come from a place where I "needed someone" desperately.  In other words, when I felt empty, I would look to get into a relationship, rather than sorting myself out and then finding a relationship.  I know that we can never get ourselves to a perfect state of contentment first, but I know that I have a long way to go before I start considering it.

How long have you been out of your relationship bdyw8?  Wish you all the best - most importantly peace.

A big hug.   Take care, Anon72  

[bdyw8]

Thanks anon72 

You're so right about getting into relationships based on need.   I'm seeing now that I have to learn to like myself first, and even bigger yet, get to know myself and what I want (and what I DESERVE) in life and some time later, what I truly want and deserve in a woman.  So often, I feel as though I "settled" with the women I've been in relationships with as we didn't have much in common with each other aside form the fact that we both needed each other.  Recipe for disaster as I'm seeing now.

My exBPD and I broke up a few times, but most recently, I did almost 3 months of NC in the fall while she stalked me.  She came crawling back just before Christmas and I took her back and she had her "mask" back on for about 4 or 5 days.  Shortly after that, things returned to normal and she dumped me after two weeks and all her promises and apologies had gone out the window again.  So it's been about 2.5 months now again of NC.  No stalking this time, save for a text from one of her kids (yeah right, more likely from her).  So I blocked her kid as well which was hard. 

My first reaction both times was to hit the dating websites and start dating again.  I went on a few dates in the fall, and this go around, I went on one day like a week after and then I took myself off of the site and have been just working on myself and trying to get comfortable alone.  I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic (over 5 years sober now) and this is truly the first time I've been alone in sobriety, so I'm had some real struggles the first month and a half or so, but the last couple weeks has been getting easier.

I'm doing my usual AA meetings and am going to start some Al-anon meetings tonight to work on my codependency and relationship issues.  I'm also doing EMDR with a therapist to look at my FOO issuse to see why I keep repeating the same patterns.   It has been an interesting couple of months but I think I'm starting to have hope for that long-term contentment ... .  maybe... .still not 100% convinced      haha.

How about you, how long has it been?

[gotbushels]

Despite all the light side's rewards, they spend a lot of time on their own that you don't see. They make a lot of sacrifices to get where they want to go.

It might help to know that the majority of dark side users don't have romantic interests, or they all died. Sometimes as a direct result of the dark side user. In fact sometimes "love" was used as a weapon to do stupid things that hurt a lot of people. E.g. if you think I-III is canon, think of the jedi school. A lot of people suffered, died, were cut down, massacred because one person failed to resist temptation. Think about who you hurt besides Darth Sidious.

[cherryblossom]

something I've been thinking about today is that a balance has to be struck with light and dark -I prefer to get my energy and have peace from the light/positivity/nature-  however there is something in me that wants to rebel against that -so I allow myself to have the odd blow out night, make some impulsive decisions,  -however keeping it in balance that way if I find myself drawn to someone who gets their energy more from the dark side I will not be so completely sucked in because I will have allowed myself some darkness -I think part of the problem when I got involved with ex BPD was that I was being to extreme to the light when that just isn't me and I allowed myself to get completely sucked in and loose all sense of balance until I was too in the dark -which I am not comfortable with. 

[gotbushels]

What is that something that wants to rebel against the light/positivity/nature? My experience is a little different, so I'm curious as to how you're inclined to rebel.

[cherryblossom]

Hi gb

I think it's my issues with foo. I think i was traumatised by my childhood so although i didnt develop BPD, i can certainly relate to the traits and feel i have some of them on the lower end of the spectrum. I think im just trying to say the middle way / ground is best - not to be too holier than thou/ straight edge. The dark side can b fun. I guess jung and frued would talk about our shadow and this is where we can become more whole as a person. What is ur experience? ☺

[gotbushels]

Hi cherryblossom

Ah okay. So balance is what you're looking for, not so much a rebelling against "light/positivity/nature". I suppose our experiences are closer together after all. I feel I try to find the middle ground, if one exists. My ex liked doing socially unusual things so I suppose that's a kind of rebellion. As a reaction to that, when I was with her, I took the more opposite position to "level" out the tension in the relationship. Afterward, the quietness and calmness of being in a natural surrounding appealed to me much more. That's my experience

[cherryblossom]

Yeah scrabbling around in the shadows does not appeal to me - much rather have integrity and hold my head up, accept my shadow and feel free -even if at times i feel an emotional wreck- i cannot imagine how anyone can prefer to lie, sneak, fake, use, abuse - yeah the truth hurts but the truth is all there is -surely dealing with shame full on is preferable to survival mode but then thats just me - i dont hav BPD - but i know they can recover if they choose. Personally i think dbt sklls should b taught at school

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I read somewhere that Anakin Skywalker could have been diagnosis with BPD.

[cherryblossom]

I think the jedis and siths could have BPD- but the jedi's work hard to focus on the light - mayb why both are not meant to have romantic relationships ? - or why relationships are hard work for them?

[eeks]

I don't know about "light" side/"dark" side... .but I have noticed that when I try to fight obstacles/self-protective patterns, they don't budge or get worse.  

So, I am exploring the notion of actually celebrating survival strategies... .seeing them as the "loyal soldier" that kept me safe and attached to my parents, like I needed developmentally to be, and the strategies are elegant in that sense, and so when they come up I can try, rather than "oh no, not this again", to say "OK, here I am, doing what I believe I need to do to protect myself".  

[cherryblossom]

When i say light i mean like what you're saying -self compassion rather than self destruction