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Author Topic: Rebuilding  (Read 3603 times)
Meili
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« on: May 31, 2016, 04:06:13 PM »

  HI!

I was in an abusive relationship with my exgf for 1.5 years. I strongly suggest that she has BPD. I'll never know because she would never admit that she caused any problems between us.

Well, that's not exactly true. When I walked away from the relationship she became very apologetic. That only lasted until she didn't get the response that she wanted and then she went right back to being hateful and rude.

Anyway, it's been a month since I went no contact. Each and every day it hurts and I fight the urge to contact her. I'm certain that I'm not the only one who has experienced that though... .I don't contact her out of fear. I say that, but I suppose that it's really self-preservation (trying to put a positive spin on things here) that keeps me from contacting her. I know that if I did I'd just get more of the same; that she didn't magically become a nice person over the past month.

I'm seeing a therapist, and working on developing new tools to help deal with why I fell under her spell to begin with so that I don't go back there again. I'm no longer in crisis-mode, but struggle every time one of her flying monkeys makes an appearance in my world. Externally, I just ignore them in hopes that they will all just get bored and go away, but internally I struggle each time. They trigger feelings of the extreme guilt that I feel for walking away. Something in my mind tries to tell me that she really must love me for going through all of this. My adult brain tells me that she's really just struggling to regain control by any means possible.

Any thoughts on how to control the guilt when cognitive thinking just doesn't work? Is it really just a matter of time?
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bunny4523
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« Reply #1 on: May 31, 2016, 04:36:29 PM »

Hi and welcome,

What specifically is on your mind right now?   What are you asking yourself over and over?
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Meili
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« Reply #2 on: May 31, 2016, 04:55:18 PM »

":)id I make the right choice?" is the question that gets replayed.
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bunny4523
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« Reply #3 on: May 31, 2016, 05:08:47 PM »

If your referring to leaving the relationship then yes you made the right choice.  I'm saying this because of the words you used to describe the relationship you were in... .abusive.  She isn't a nice person.  Your mind knows that you deserve to be treated better... .your heart will catch up.  Yes it does take time to get through this but it also takes strength to recoginze your value.  

I hear alot of the people on these boards talking about whether their exBPD really "loved' them.  :)oes it really matter?  Their love (real or not) hurts, causes pain and misery... .it's not a love you want or need. You need someone who will love you back the way you love them.   

The hardest part for me was the "why would he treat me this way?"  Asking him just made things worse, he talked in circles, blaming me for things I wasn't even doing.  I had to get to the point that I didn't care why he did it... .just that he DID it and that's all that really matters.

Welcome to this site and you will find answers and tools here to help you. Glad your seeing a therapist.  Many of us have come to the conclusion that we chose or stayed in these relationships because of something broken in us (from childhood or just lost for a short time) and are committed to working on that so that we do not repeat this pattern.

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joeramabeme
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« Reply #4 on: May 31, 2016, 05:30:37 PM »

 HI!

I was in an abusive relationship with my exgf for 1.5 years. I strongly suggest that she has BPD. I'll never know because she would never admit that she caused any problems between us.

Well, that's not exactly true. When I walked away from the relationship she became very apologetic. That only lasted until she didn't get the response that she wanted and then she went right back to being hateful and rude.

Anyway, it's been a month since I went no contact. Each and every day it hurts and I fight the urge to contact her. I'm certain that I'm not the only one who has experienced that though... .I don't contact her out of fear. I say that, but I suppose that it's really self-preservation (trying to put a positive spin on things here) that keeps me from contacting her. I know that if I did I'd just get more of the same; that she didn't magically become a nice person over the past month.

I'm seeing a therapist, and working on developing new tools to help deal with why I fell under her spell to begin with so that I don't go back there again. I'm no longer in crisis-mode, but struggle every time one of her flying monkeys makes an appearance in my world. Externally, I just ignore them in hopes that they will all just get bored and go away, but internally I struggle each time. They trigger feelings of the extreme guilt that I feel for walking away. Something in my mind tries to tell me that she really must love me for going through all of this. My adult brain tells me that she's really just struggling to regain control by any means possible.

Any thoughts on how to control the guilt when cognitive thinking just doesn't work? Is it really just a matter of time?

Hello Meili and welcome to BPD Family!     Glad you are here and from reading your post it sounds like you have made it to the right place to discuss your "flying monkeys".   Smiling (click to insert in post)

They trigger feelings of the extreme guilt that I feel for walking away

This is an important observation.  You know that your relationship was abusive and yet you are experiencing guilt for protecting yourself.  What do you suppose brings that feeling forward under these circumstances?

My adult brain tells me that she's really just struggling to regain control by any means possible

Another good observation.  pwBPD have a confused or limited sense of self.  There is a need to control the world so that that it does not feel so chaotic.  When we enter their world, there is a desire to control us because the fear of abandonment is so great.  Can you see where she had internal feelings of chaos?  That it was hard for her to stay centered?

JRB
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Leonis
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« Reply #5 on: May 31, 2016, 05:48:17 PM »

Any thoughts on how to control the guilt when cognitive thinking just doesn't work? Is it really just a matter of time?

One of the key things you'd have to remember is that you are human. You are capable of mistakes and shortcomings. However, those shortcomings didn't warrant the reactions you've received from your ex.

Just realize that even if you had done things differently, your ex would have found other ways to nitpick and justify her actions and the way she devalues you. The only difference you could have made is how soon she reaches the breaking point where her emotions go unbridled.
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Mutt
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« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2016, 07:03:38 PM »

Hi Melli,

Welcome

I'm sorry to hear that you're go through this. I would like to join bunny4523, joeramabeme, Leonis. A relationship break-up with someone that suffers from BPD leaves us confused and in a lot of pain.

I completely understand how difficult it can be with no contact with your ex, it can be difficult to resist the urge to contact. It sound like you know what's best for you when you're choosing to self protect instead of engaging your ex. 1.5 years is a significant amount of time in a relationship with someone, a month of self preservation, and you're out of crisis mode, how long ago did you break-up?

I'm happy to hear that you're seeing a T ( therapist ) it really helps a lot to see a T concurrently with a support group. Many of members can relate with the push / pull behavior that feels like crazy making behavior to us, we can offer guidance and suppport. You're not alone.

I'm speaking for myself when I say this, I had a lot of conflicted emotions, can you describe why you feel guilt? Do you wonder how she's going to take of herself?

It helps to read as much as you can about the disorder. You will quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. This is a good article that talks about the relationship bonding with a pwBPD and soothing life long emotional wounds. I'm glad that you decided to join our discussions. Welcome to the family 

PERSPECTIVES: From idealization to devaluation - why we struggle


Regards,


Mutt

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"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
JerryRG
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« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2016, 10:09:08 PM »

I agree with the posts here and what I've just realized today and yesterday that if my BPDgf loved me, that was the most painful excuse for love I've ever experienced.

I stand amazed and embarrassed at how low I allow my self worth to desend so that I could tolerate the few crumbs I got back from my ex.

I wasn't doing well before her and after I was beaten to a fine dust. I felt dead or wishing for death at times. Why? Large part due to foo. I remember the first time someone told me I wasn't the blame for my father's drinking and my mother's mysery. I was 18 and on the verge of killing myself.

I carried that shame for 18 years, I find a woman who only reinforced my already painful existence.

I will never allow this again

So yes, leaving any abusive relationship is the best choice but in my case my ex is BPD and she was and is still impossible.
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Meili
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« Reply #8 on: June 01, 2016, 12:06:08 AM »

Thank you all for the responses!

Bunny4523, No, it was not the love that I needed, but it was the first time that I can remember that I actually felt love. I now know that it wasn't really love that I felt, but rather intense infatuation. As you mentioned, something inside of me was broke by my FOO during my childhood, and that allowed my exgf the opportunity to cast her spell. I'm hoping that my T can help with that.

JRB, thank you for your kind comments about my observations, even if I don't feel that they are deserved. It is comforting to hear that I'm on the right track. My seventh grade Algebra teacher had a sign on the wall that said, "Even if you're on the right track, if you just sit there you'll still get run over." I'm desperately trying to avoid being run over again.

You know that your relationship was abusive and yet you are experiencing guilt for protecting yourself.  What do you suppose brings that feeling forward under these circumstances?

... .

When we enter their world, there is a desire to control us because the fear of abandonment is so great.  Can you see where she had internal feelings of chaos?  That it was hard for her to stay centered?

I strongly suspect that this stems from what my parents taught me; things like I am never to come first. The guilt seems to come from my knowing that my exgf lives in a chaotic world in which she constantly fears abandonment, so what do I do but abandon her. I walked away because I could not find the love or courage to endure what she deals with daily.

Leonis, I can completely see that no matter what I did, she would have found ways to tear it apart. In actuality, she never really complained about the things that I did. Most of her complaints stemmed from my not meeting her expectations; it was what I didn't do rather than what I did that upset her. She was generally happy with the things that I did to show her that I loved her. It just never seemed to be enough.

Mutt, thank you for the link.

1.5 years is a significant amount of time in a relationship with someone, a month of self preservation, and you're out of crisis mode, how long ago did you break-up?

I've been NC since I ended things this time. Of course, this isn't the first time that I've tried to end things with her, but it is the first time that I've gone NC. All the other times, I kept in contact with her and we were back together within days. Each iteration was more volatile than the last. From what I understand, this is pretty common. Each time that I'd show weakness she'd exert more power and control. The more that I tried to take the power away, the more that she'd rage. She even worked really hard to try to convince me that boundaries were bad for a relationship.

I'm speaking for myself when I say this, I had a lot of conflicted emotions, can you describe why you feel guilt? Do you wonder how she's going to take of herself?

I don't really fear that she won't be able to take care of herself. She managed to do it for 50 years before she met me, so I'm sure that she'll continue to do it.

I guess that, as I said above, that I feel guilty because I can comprehend what she's going through and hate that I'm not able to help her. I do know that I tried for 1.5 years to help her and failed, so I have no reasonable expectation of that ever changing. Well, at least not until she wants to change it. The knowledge doesn't lesson the emotions however.

... .I've just realized today and yesterday that if my BPDgf loved me, that was the most painful excuse for love I've ever experienced.

I can completely understand that feeling. Because my sense of self-worth was so low when I met my exgf, I tend to get caught in the loop of thinking, "But, that's the only way that she knew how to love me, even though it wasn't really love. Or, was it?"

I'm pretty sure that this comes from a history of abuse from my FOO. I never learned what healthy love felt like, so since the way that my exgf treated me felt so familiar, it is what I saw as love. Or, was it really love, just misguided?

I can also understand the feelings of wanting to die. I experience those as well. I have since I was a young child. Even though there is almost no chance of self-harm with me, I still find myself longing for the pain to end through any other means. Because I've been coping with that feeling for so long, I know it for what it is at least.
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Leonis
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« Reply #9 on: June 01, 2016, 12:24:04 AM »

Leonis, I can completely see that no matter what I did, she would have found ways to tear it apart. In actuality, she never really complained about the things that I did. Most of her complaints stemmed from my not meeting her expectations; it was what I didn't do rather than what I did that upset her. She was generally happy with the things that I did to show her that I loved her. It just never seemed to be enough.

That's exactly how my ex handled things. It was something I didn't do. In fact, she seldom communicated what she wanted on the grounds of appearing "too bossy". Surprisingly, she even kept a scoreboard of me NOT doing the things that she had hoped. It was a lose-lose scenario for me.
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Meili
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« Reply #10 on: June 01, 2016, 06:19:40 AM »

Yep, "too bossy" was the stated reason I received also. Or that she didn't want to tell me what she needed or wanted because then it wouldn't be natural, or I was only doing it because she wanted me to do it.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #11 on: June 01, 2016, 04:09:28 PM »

Leonis, I can completely see that no matter what I did, she would have found ways to tear it apart. In actuality, she never really complained about the things that I did. Most of her complaints stemmed from my not meeting her expectations; it was what I didn't do rather than what I did that upset her. She was generally happy with the things that I did to show her that I loved her. It just never seemed to be enough.

That's exactly how my ex handled things. It was something I didn't do. In fact, she seldom communicated what she wanted on the grounds of appearing "too bossy". Surprisingly, she even kept a scoreboard of me NOT doing the things that she had hoped. It was a lose-lose scenario for me.

Not making fun of your situation Leonis, but that is funny!

FWIW, My ex did the same as yours in terms of no-win situation; classic BPD. 

Little sidestory to go with this.  I ran my own business when we first married, she hated it because I never knew how much $ i would earn from month to month.  After many unhappy hours listening to how I should get a full time permanent job, I got one and wanted to surprise her by leaving my offer letter on kitchen table when she got home.  Much to my surprise and upset, she read the letter and said this is pathetic, you should be making way more than this.  LOL!  It was a really good offer and the most $ I had ever made at that time.
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Leonis
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« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2016, 04:20:07 PM »

Little sidestory to go with this.  I ran my own business when we first married, she hated it because I never knew how much $ i would earn from month to month.  After many unhappy hours listening to how I should get a full time permanent job, I got one and wanted to surprise her by leaving my offer letter on kitchen table when she got home.  Much to my surprise and upset, she read the letter and said this is pathetic, you should be making way more than this.  LOL!  It was a really good offer and the most $ I had ever made at that time.

Oh yeah, I remember the whole trying to get me to work at the same company she did, etc., the whole dictating your life business. I'm glad I didn't budge because it would have been extremely awkward and potentially hazardous.

Even when I did things that she wanted me to do to please her, she would still keep track of the times where I didn't do it.
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Meili
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« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2016, 01:58:00 PM »

hhmmnm... .and my exgf was planning to start a business. She just assumed that I would quit my job of 17 years and work for her so that she didn't have quit her's. It didn't seem to matter to her that I wouldn't be able to pay my bills if the business didn't bring in enough profit (which seemed very likely since she had no business plan and expected the business to gain popularity solely by word of mouth).
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Meili
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« Reply #14 on: June 06, 2016, 02:32:55 PM »

So, it's been a few days (geez, only 4, it feels like a month!) since I last posted here and things don't seem much better.

I spent the weekend around friends and was given reminders about the things that I loved about my x. Of course, this made me want to contact her.

Then, I saw on social media that she attended an event that we used to attend together. This too made me want to contact her.

I read a couple of threads on here about questioning the choice to leave, feeling guilty, wanting to break NC, missing their x, etc. You guessed it, it made me want to contact her.

I'm still resolved to not contact her though. I realize that it's just a rationalization, but I keep reminding myself that she's already hurt and suffering from whatever put her in her disordered state to begin with, and my contacting her will do nothing but hurt her some more.
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HurtinNW
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« Reply #15 on: June 06, 2016, 02:42:49 PM »

I found the first weeks very hard too. Excruciating, as a matter of fact. I really had to white-knuckle it through no contact. It does get easier, I promise!

Are there things you can do to help? Some people go off social media completely (I did) to avoid seeing reminders of their ex or what their ex is up to via mutual friends. There is one member here that managed to travel to Asia for several months. Many of us don't have that option, but there are things we can do to structure our days to avoid triggers. I go to the gym a lot, and for long walks.

My therapist told me something interesting: she said that every time we do something new, our brain has to focus on that, and that actually soothes the trauma a bit and lets our minds and hearts heal. So when I go for a walk I head in new directions. I've taken up some new interests where I have to focus on something else (like not making a fool of myself in Zumba class, Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)).

Staying busy and distracted really can help! Also if some posts trigger you, by all means skip them.

Can you think of a plan for the coming weeks in terms of what you can do that will help avoid the triggers or distract yourself a bit?

Hugs for you! 
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Meili
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« Reply #16 on: June 06, 2016, 03:10:23 PM »

Thank you for the response Hurtin.

I've been trying to do new things. I stay off social media for the most part these days. I've dropped groups and mutual friends that were not close. I've toyed with the idea of just deleting all social media accounts, but then I have to face my denial that it's all actually over with her. I haven't been able to accept the finality of it all yet; even though I'm the one who ended the r/s.

My best friend has offered to take me on extended holidays (now, if only I can get my boss to agree to the time off!). We've talked about places to go, both exotic and semi local. We've even talked about a 90 day motorcycle excursion around the lower states in the US.

The problem seems to be that everything reminds me of my x, or I want to share each new experience with her.

Another problem is that I feel so guilty for walking away from her. I know that she has her issues and that I cannot fix them for her. Knowing that doesn't seem to quash the emotions however. I know that things take time and that it will get easier. But, for today, for this moment, and the next moment when I want to break NC, I struggle. I know that I'm no different from everyone else here though, and I feel really whiny about all of it.

So, to answer your question, I really can't think of a plan because all of it just makes me want to contact her and share the new experiences with her.

I suppose that's another reason that I keep the social media alive. I post what I'm doing on there in hopes that she'll snoop and see it.
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joeramabeme
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« Reply #17 on: June 06, 2016, 03:36:32 PM »

The problem seems to be that everything reminds me of my x, or I want to share each new experience with her.

Another problem is that I feel so guilty for walking away from her. I know that she has her issues and that I cannot fix them for her. Knowing that doesn't seem to quash the emotions however. I know that things take time and that it will get easier. But, for today, for this moment, and the next moment when I want to break NC, I struggle. I know that I'm no different from everyone else here though, and I feel really whiny about all of it.

Hey Meili

Quoting this part of your post because I really get it.  In the beginning everything reminds you of your ex, that is natural.  How long were you with her?  I was with mine for 14 years and when I asked my therapist how long before I get past the "everything I do reminds me of her" phase, he said something to the effect of; once you have experiences doing those things on your own again.  So, it is a little bit of a catch 22.  Doing things will remind you of her and yet doing those same things with others will build new memories of doing them with others.

As for "whiny"; that is a little self-critical.  BPD breakups are like going through surgery.  You are just off the proverbial operating table, no problem with expressing what you are feeling and it will likely help with moving forward.  Try and validate what you are feeling, rather than judge it.  We all come here in a lot of pain and confusion, that is why the Family exists... .  Smiling (click to insert in post)

JRB
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« Reply #18 on: June 06, 2016, 03:47:14 PM »

Excerpt
Something in my mind tries to tell me that she really must love me for going through all of this.

First, I was in your situation, asking myself exactly that question : he must still love me, doing that.

But ... .

Even if she did love you, is that enough for you to go back to being abused by her?

Is love a justification to ruin somebody ?

What would you tell your best friend, if he was in your situation ?


The hardest part for me was the "why would he treat me this way?"  


This  was the hardest part for me : why ?  I just didn't get it. And I thought that, when I would get it, I would be able to change him. Not true of course ... .
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Meili
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« Reply #19 on: June 06, 2016, 04:04:21 PM »

JRB:

I was only with her for 1.5 years. I don't think that I could have stayed sane for 14 years!

When I do things with others, I feel like I'm betraying her. It's kind of strange because when we were together, I stayed very guarded against losing myself in the r/s. She felt that there should be zero boundaries between people in a r/s (of course she did though!). I know that I added to the problem by not establishing healthy boundaries in the beginning. I guess that I allowed too much of myself to be consumed, and now little things like going out for a drink with the guys makes me feel that I'm doing something wrong.

I understand what you're saying about being too hard on myself. I have a long history of abuse that stems from my FOO and I learned to guard my emotions well. Then she entered my life and for the first time that I can remember I felt things. I fought it as hard as I could, but I started to actually experience emotions. I felt love and loved. I felt worthy. Then I watched it all get ripped away. As I was fighting it, I knew that being vulnerable was a bad plan. I was right. Now, I don't know how to deal with all of the painful emotions.

When I was with her I felt like a teenager who was experiencing love for the first time. Now I feel like that same teenager experiencing his first heartbreak. I'm in my mid-40s, I should have learned better by now.

Fie:

I don't know that I can honestly answer your "is that enough" question. I like to think that it isn't, but my child-like emotional state isn't sure.

I also struggle with the "justification to ruin somebody" question. It isn't because I can't answer that one though; the answer is no. But, to hear her talk, I ruined her and her life. If I'm honest with myself though, there were many times during our 1.5 years together that I just wanted to vaporize and not have to deal with her anymore. At its height, death seemed like a far better option than staying in the r/s.

I'm a hopeless romantic, so I'd make jokes about it to my best friend and support whatever decision that he made.

I do understand that I cannot change her. My emotions keep telling me that I gave up too quickly, that I didn't try hard enough, and any number of other things. But, the part of me that thinks cognitively understands everything that I tried failed and that my efforts would never be enough.
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« Reply #20 on: June 07, 2016, 11:38:36 AM »

I just read this response to a comment that I made in another thread:

Mine would provoke me with crazy claims like I was cheating on her, looking at other women as well as hitting on other women in her presence? Really... silly claims all I which I would vehemently deny. So, yes after awhile their claims become so preposterous that we get frustrated and perhaps show more emotional because the arguments never go away and get compounded... until we burst and need to express our disappointments with them... and unless you would have know about her disorder and could have handled her with kid gloves, you had no chance brother. They claim its all your fault, your the guilty one. When in reality - they are just 'crazy-making' and seeing things that just are not true.

I had completely forgotten about my x getting crazy about my being nice to a girl who had gone out with a whole group of us and was getting ignored by her date. I thought how uncomfortable that would be if I were in that situation, so I talked to her. My x went ballistic on me over that. I was in awe as it happened.

I had forgotten how much reassurance she'd need that I loved her after any female would talk to me. I guess that all of the truly crazy things that happened overshadowed some of the other things.
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« Reply #21 on: June 07, 2016, 11:59:11 AM »

"When I was with her I felt like a teenager who was experiencing love for the first time. Now I feel like that same teenager experiencing his first heartbreak. I'm in my mid-40s, I should have learned better by now... "




Meili - This exactly how I feel. I'm 45, she was 35 and and I guess at our age we begin to feel time is running out and will we ever "be loved". Thats kinda what i'm dealing with now. Feeling I'm too old w/this and should be on my way already.
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« Reply #22 on: June 07, 2016, 12:04:30 PM »

I completely get that Mars! I'm 45 also btw. My x was older than me though.

What are we actually too old for though? My best friend's favorite axiom is: "You're not dead yet!" So, I guess since we're still breathing we are still young enough to learn.
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« Reply #23 on: June 07, 2016, 12:27:36 PM »

I completely get that Mars! I'm 45 also btw. My x was older than me though.

What are we actually too old for though? My best friend's favorite axiom is: "You're not dead yet!" So, I guess since we're still breathing we are still young enough to learn.

Yeah, very true... And we are gaining much more wisdom now too...  I guess though, I still have hopes to start a family. I have been dating younger women but am at crossroads now to maybe giving up the family dream and find a quality older woman. As, the ones that I have been attracting are younger and seem to have different expectations perhaps... I'm just getting exhausted is all, and getting a bit discouraged. As we know, these type breakups are traumatic and looking into my future now feels daunting given the weight of the breakup. I feel I lost that sense of hope that i once so easily had when I was with her. And that was another frustration. I was looking into the future and she could bearly get out of the here and now. Its the like the gun went off and we were still at the starting line... .tying our shoes, stretching... thinking about the race but never willing to get moving to participate in it.
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« Reply #24 on: June 07, 2016, 12:34:59 PM »

I feel I lost that sense of hope that i once so easily had when I was with her. And that was another frustration. I was looking into the future and she could bearly get out if the here and now. Its the like the gun went off and we were still at the starting line... .just couldn't get off the ground and get in the race.

I can completely relate to this also! (I find it both amazing and sad that so many of us experience the exact same things here.) I had so many hopes and dreams connected with my r/s that are all gone now. As hard as I try, at this moment, I cannot imagine a future; well, at least not the type of future that I used to imagine. She had become my hope and inspiration. It hurts to see it all for the delusion that it actually was.

But, one thing that I do know is that I had a life before her and I will have one after her. Will it be what I wanted? Probably not. But, (and not to sound too Pollyanna here) one of the gifts that she gave me was that I have a much clearer vision of the future that I want and what I'm not willing to settle on anymore.
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« Reply #25 on: June 07, 2016, 12:42:16 PM »

I feel I lost that sense of hope that i once so easily had when I was with her. And that was another frustration. I was looking into the future and she could bearly get out if the here and now. Its the like the gun went off and we were still at the starting line... .just couldn't get off the ground and get in the race.

I can completely relate to this also! (I find it both amazing and sad that so many of us experience the exact same things here.) I had so many hopes and dreams connected with my r/s that are all gone now. As hard as I try, at this moment, I cannot imagine a future; well, at least not the type of future that I used to imagine. She had become my hope and inspiration. It hurts to see it all for the delusion that it actually was.

Yup, excellent point. I was so happy on my own before i met her, thats part of the attraction i guess... I need to get that skip back in my step. But, 3 months out i feel I've still lost my Mojo... A delusion it certainly was.

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« Reply #26 on: June 07, 2016, 02:11:08 PM »

To me, losing the skip in my step is a natural result. My self-esteem (such that it was to begin with) was completely ruined when I was with my x. Notice that I said with and not by? I did so because I played a part in it also. I stood by and watched myself do things and participate in bad behavior. I was being stupid and I knew it, so I'm just as much to blame as she is.

I'm also depressed as a result of losing everything that I had grown to love. So, those two combined make it very hard for me to be optimistic at this moment.
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« Reply #27 on: June 07, 2016, 03:36:05 PM »

I completely get that Mars! I'm 45 also btw. My x was older than me though.

What are we actually too old for though? My best friend's favorite axiom is: "You're not dead yet!" So, I guess since we're still breathing we are still young enough to learn.

Yeah, very true... And we are gaining much more wisdom now too...  I guess though, I still have hopes to start a family. I have been dating younger women but am at crossroads now to maybe giving up the family dream and find a quality older woman. As, the ones that I have been attracting are younger and seem to have different expectations perhaps... I'm just getting exhausted is all, and getting a bit discouraged. As we know, these type breakups are traumatic and looking into my future now feels daunting given the weight of the breakup. I feel I lost that sense of hope that i once so easily had when I was with her. And that was another frustration. I was looking into the future and she could bearly get out of the here and now. Its the like the gun went off and we were still at the starting line... .tying our shoes, stretching... thinking about the race but never willing to get moving to participate in it.

Hey Guys, thought I would chime in here as I too have been trying to process the potential loss of having my own family.  I am even older, fifty-something. 

I have been out of the r/s for about a year and as you mentioned Mars; the question about what direction to take has been spinning around my mind.  Honestly, it has taken me this long to wrap my head around her saying how much she wanted this with me and her unwillingness to acknowledge her own behaviors.  But we are well versed in understanding that from reading this board.

I know what is in my heart, I want a family.  Now that the pain has begun to subside, I have decided that I have to go for it.  I may not get there, but if I settled with someone who did not want this, I would likely be resentful in the future.  I am not really sure to go meet younger women.  Totally open to being a step-dad but don't want my dating profile to sound creepy; 50 year old man looking for women with children - LOL!

It does take awhile to get your heart reoriented back to where it would have been without all the tumult.  Mine is getting there and I am now learning how to navigate forward towards the next set of challenges.

JRB
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« Reply #28 on: June 07, 2016, 04:40:50 PM »

uh, yeah, JRB, that's probably not the best thing for a dating profile!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

I'm guessing that it shouldn't be too hard to find a nice woman who already has children though.

I don't envy any of you guys who want children at this age. I had a hard enough time dealing with my daughter when I was in my 30's! I can't imagine doing it now. That being said, I have a friend who is 67 (his wife is in her 30's) and he recently became a father again. He loves it!
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« Reply #29 on: June 07, 2016, 05:13:08 PM »

JRB, I'm a 48 year-old woman with older kids, and trust me, there are plenty of us who would love to date a man who wants a family. I would totally put it on a dating profile. Just say you love kids and would be more than happy to date a single mom. They'll probably come out of the woodwork!
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