Fix broken ldr

[Oncebitten]

So heres the background in ldr with pwBPD traits (light) for nearly a year.  We have broken up and gotten back together several times.  Just broke up again a few days ago.  She said we needed to take some time apart and come back together as friends later.  That lasted less than a day when she texted and said she missed me.  We had a good talk on the phone and I think both of us have let the issues of the fight go.  Like I said this is a ldr and I will be very near here next week.  She knows that I will be in the area.  Should I attempt to see her or do I need to give this more time?  I fear if Inask to see her she will say no and I don't know if I am prepared for the rejection.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Oncebitten, What do you want to do?  The ball is in your court.  What is your gut feeling?  If you just broke up a few days ago, as you mention, what makes you think it will go differently if you see her again?  Presumably something keeps you coming back for more despite repeated breakup/makeups.  What is it?  The push me/pull you aspect of your r/s seems typical for BPD.

LuckyJim

[livednlearned]

Hi Oncebitten,

I'm sorry to hear about the on-again, off-again going on. It's so hard to want the good part of the relationship only to have it sabotaged again and again. That alone can wear us down and make it seem like up is down and down is up.

Can you say more about what make her traits seem light?

And when you break up, how does it usually go? Who usually initiates contact?

I read a bit of your back story. Some of the natural impulses we might have in normal relationships can boomerang in BPD relationships. Things like giving in, being overly accommodating. One of the powerful things about functioning well in a BPD relationship is that it can teach you some helpful skills that work everywhere. We use these skills to mitigate some of the conflict that inevitably go with BPD relationships.

Are these skills you are interested in learning? They're pretty easy to understand, a bit harder to apply and require lots of practice and patience. Mostly because it requires changing our own behaviors, and that's not easy.

[Oncebitten]

Lucky jim

I love her and I know she loves me thats what keeps me coming back.  And when she pushes me away it only lasts a day or two.  And she calls and wants me back.  The problem is we have a fight and her solution is to break up or take a break instead of just working through it.  Then a day goes by and she says that was stupid lets not fight any more.

[Oncebitten]

Livednlearned

as far as her traits being light, she is not violent, never has been.  She has never threatened me or herself.  And her episodes I guess you would call them of being irrationally angry with me never last long.  A day or two max and she is back to her old self.

We have both initiated contact, so sometimes, I call and apologize and sometimes she does.

I have learned with her things seem to go smoother if I just put my foot down and tell her how its going to be.  I just have to be careful that I don't let my emotions get the better of me and do it in a way that is firm but doesn't hurt her feelings.

[livednlearned]

I have learned with her things seem to go smoother if I just put my foot down and tell her how its going to be.  I just have to be careful that I don't let my emotions get the better of me and do it in a way that is firm but doesn't hurt her feelings.

It's possible this is why her traits remain light, though not knowing your story, it's hard to tell.

BPD is defined by an unstable sense of self. It is hard to imagine what that must feel like, sort of low-self esteem to a degree that feels like a living nightmare. The stronger and more stable and more emotionally regulated you are, the more clear it is for her what the boundaries are. Being BPD, she will likely have no boundaries so you must provide them. Like you said, the key is to do this in a way that doesn't further hurt her feelings.

And to also make sure that focusing on her wounds does not mean ignoring your own. You can fake being strong and become weak in the process.

Trauma is the process of repeatedly experiencing the same nightmare. Same story, different people. Emotions get triggered from her library of past griefs and she projects the story onto you. It's helpful to know this is happening so you don't take it so personally and enforce boundaries about what she can and cannot do while dysregulated.

When she is back to even keel, does she recognize or talk about what happened with you?

[Oncebitten]

She is usually apologetic for her poor behavior.  And says its not my fault, she tells me its tough because I am different from the previous men in her life.  So she knows she projects past experiences on me.  Sometimes she wants to talk about it, but usually she says she is sorry and just wants to move on.  Its tough to not just let it go because frequently if we talk about a previous argument we just end up in another one.

[livednlearned]

if we talk about a previous argument we just end up in another one.

Who usually makes reference to the first argument? Can you identify any of the triggers, like who says what and how?

[Oncebitten]

I will bring up the past argument in an attempt to resolve it.  She wants to always just move on without resolving anything.  Me bringing it up usually leads to a new fight

[livednlearned]

Being BPD, her behavior makes sense.

She has moved on, it's in the past. Might be associated with shame depending on how she processes things. She is hypersensitive to insinuations that things are her fault. Sometimes it's possible to use "we" statements, to help take the focus off blame and instead work on solutions. Having hair trigger emotions, even small things can set her off. We use communication skills to lessen the chances that her defense mechanisms get triggered.

In general, it takes a lot of emotional maturity to process a fight, and she might not be able to do that. You will have to be the emotional leader, so if the goal of rehashing the fight is to have her admit she acted badly, or to tell her you acted badly, those are mainly words to her.

She needs to experience boundaries in terms of behaviors. There are ways to do this with some care so she is not left wondering what she did wrong (making you into a punitive parent).

[Oncebitten]

she is hyper sensitive to the idea that things are her fault or even my fault.  She prefers we or us that did something wrong.  Which I find odd, if I screwed up I can say hey I screwed up here but she generally doesnt even like that.  She likes to say we do good together and mess up together. 

Should I not try and rehash arguments then?  I always try to be calm and maintain an even keel, but sometime I think it would just be easier to let it go and hope it doesnt come up again.  although it probably will... .

[Lucky Jim]

What's the point of rehashing?  In my experience, it doesn't get you anywhere with a pwBPD.  Validation and boundaries are where it's at, in my view.

LuckyJim

[Oncebitten]

I just look for resolution to an argument... .my nature I suppose... .we argue and never resolve anything... .I guess moving on is fine but those issues resurface eventually

[Lucky Jim]

I understand your reason for rehashing, but in my experience, it's rare to get resolution or closure on issues with a pwBPD.  Just the way it is if you are in a BPD r/s.  LJ