Is the "they've moved on" radar a BPD thing?

[Hopeful83]

 

I have a question not based on something I'm going through but a friend. She's been seeing a guy on and off for, hmmm, I think it's been eight years now. Following my experiences and everything that I've read about BPD I wouldn't be surprised if her partner has it. He's hot/cold, push/pulls etc. And the minute he senses that she's moving on, he's back in full force, telling her everything that she wants to hear and unfortunately, despite the fact she's an intelligent, beautiful and amazing woman, she gets sucked back in. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I really thought that the last time this happened it would be the end of it because he really took it too far this time around. So she got back in shape, did all the self work that she needed to do, and grew STRONG. And as if by magic, he's now back, and I strongly sense that it's because he sensed she was strong and moving on.

I seem to recall reading stories on here where it seems exes get in touch just when we've reached some form of personal milestone, whether that means we've met someone else, or we've chosen to move on emotionally. I was just wondering whether you think they sense the withdrawal and freak out? I honestly think that's what's happening with him and her, and I want to shake her and tell her to wake up, but ultimately it's her life, I can only give my opinion and sit by and watch the inevitable happen.

Hopeful

[once removed]

well, people with BPD are not psychic. they do possess a heightened fear of abandonment, real or perceived. in that sense, what they are certainly very perceptive about is emotional detachment and change.

im sorry to hear what your friend is going through. its hard to watch our friends suffer. why not encourage her to join the family?

[Hopeful83]

well, people with BPD are not psychic. they do possess a heightened fear of abandonment, real or perceived. in that sense, what they are certainly very perceptive about is emotional detachment and change.

im sorry to hear what your friend is going through. its hard to watch our friends suffer. why not encourage her to join the family?

Yeah, I know they're not psychic, although that would be kind of cool   But yeah I guess they must have a heightened awareness or something? Because I can't explain why else he always seems to be 'back' when she's ready to really let go of him.

I'm not sure how she'd react if I suggested he may be BPD. Last time we spoke she said 'there's still a lot of love' between them, so she's really not seeing things for how they truly are. She was absolutely devastated this time last year when he yet again went back on all the promises he made her. It crushed her and it saddens me to see how she's getting sucked back into the whole mess with him. He's done this to her three times now - this will be the fourth. I'm not sure what else to say to her without appearing to interfere. I simply told her that I want her to be careful because I love her and don't want to see her back at square one.

She took it well and said she understood, but added she's in a good place mentally and that she can handle whatever happens. I'd like to believe her, but I know he's her achilles heel so to speak. And I don't believe he's changed, at all. So I'm concerned it's just going to be the same story all over again.

[Hopeful83]

And I'm realising through writing this that I'm angry with him. Maybe I'm projecting some of the anger I have for my ex onto him, too. I don't say this often, but I really don't like the guy - he's broken my friend's heart way too many times and I wish he'd just do the decent thing and leave her alone.

[Rayban]

The thing that BPD's fear most is abandonment. If an ex is still grieving, or being down on themselves after the breakup, this is still supply for the person with BPD and an attachment is still there. Once an ex shows any sign of moving on like your friend taking care of her self and being happy without him, then the person with BPD senses this as abandonment. They will do anything to re-engage and keep the ex attached.

How do they know that a person is moving on? I believe that it's mostly the BPD keeping tabs on the ex through social media, or friends in common, or just plain snooping. Some will argue that every time an ex thinks, anguishes, ruminates, dreams, or simply thinks about their BPDex, then there is a transference of energy that keeps the BPD fed. When the the ex moves on the person with BPD is devoid of this energy, and they want it back.

[Hopeful83]

The thing that BPD's fear most is abandonment. If an ex is still grieving, or being down on themselves after the breakup, this is still supply for the person with BPD and an attachment is still there. Once an ex shows any sign of moving on like your friend taking care of her self and being happy without him, then the person with BPD senses this as abandonment. They will do anything to re-engage and keep the ex attached.

How do they know that a person is moving on? I believe that it's mostly the BPD keeping tabs on the ex through social media, or friends in common, or just plain snooping. Some will argue that every time an ex thinks, anguishes, ruminates, dreams, or simply thinks about their BPDex, then there is a transference of energy that keeps the BPD fed. When the the ex moves on the person with BPD is devoid of this energy, and they want it back.

Hey Rayban,

Yeah, that makes sense. I never thought of the fact they may keep tabs on social media, too. In their case, I think they've remained LC, so I guess it would be even easier for him to pick up on cues that she's actually moving on now.

Interesting what you said about transference of energy. I've had dreams about my ex that were premonitions, so I've always wondered about how that happens.

Hopeful 

[once removed]

its natural to feel concerned and worry for your friend. youre also right about avoiding interfering - that can often have the opposite intended effect. sometimes the most effective form of help is to listen without judgment, to validate, and to let her know the choice is hers. this can be very empowering as well as validating.

it also helps to remember that sometimes a person has to repeatedly "touch the stove" so to speak before they are truly ready to make the change.

[Leonis]

This whole thing just sounds scary. I'm afraid this is going to happen just as I've made major progress, but not full recovery, and I'll have to pick myself back up again.