BPD Parent in town + MAJOR blow up = how to figure this out?

[searchingstability]

Hi Everyone!

I was a part of this community a while ago when I was healing from my parent's BPD and my childhood scars. Things had gone so incredibly well the past 5 or so years, I honestly thought that it was in the past. Well, lo and behold a very stressful weekend: my SO and I tied the knot in the courthouse (hooray!) and the next day (today) I graduated with my Master's degree (hooray again!) and on Tuesday I move abroad for a job (another hooray!). My family and best friends came in town and the wedding was so fun. But then, today, my parent's BPD reared it's ugly head. I think what triggered it is that a lot is changing for me (and therefore makes my parent anxious) AND I have friends staying with me and my parent wanted to stay with me (this was never communicated to me). I tried to think about what I had learned from these message boards and in therapy: setting boundaries, being true to myself, not managing my parent's anxieties for them, not just letting it all blow over (the last one is more of my own advice to myself now). It did not go very well. My parent is visiting and will continue to be in town for the next few days; as of right now, I do NOT want to be around them for a very long time. In the course of this day long blow up, I felt like I was 15 again and managing my parent's BPD all over again. Many ugly things were said on the parent's part ("Sorry I ever gave birth to you" and I snapped a couple of times and made my own exaggerated statements. I have worked incredibly hard to get to my own level of healing and am just sick that my parent's BPD took precedent on my graduation day (but very grateful that it didn't happen on my wedding day).

I know that ultimately, this is my own decision (to see my parent again during their visit) but I would like some advice for both situations -- how to handle everything if I decide to see them again vs not seeing them again?

Looking forward to the responses. Please let me know if more detail needs to be provided. Also I apologize, I have forgotten all of the terminology.

Best,

A

[Turkish]

Well, congratulations on your accomplishments! I'm sorry that you parent with BPD was triggered into initiating drama though. I can imagine a few choice responses to being told a horrible thing like "Sorry I ever gave birth to you."

"That's ok, I forgive you." 

Or what went through my head when my mom told be something similar: "You and me both lady!" But that would have elicited more smacking 

You've been here before. This too shall pass. You may feel anxiety, and have to deal with some more drama until your parent leaves, but things will return to their baseline. When emotions are heightened, it's perfectly ok to "sleep on it," as it were, and let it coast by while keeping your boundaries. What do you think?

[Kwamina]

Hi again searchingstability and welcome back here

my SO and I tied the knot in the courthouse (hooray!) and the next day (today) I graduated with my Master's degree (hooray again!) and on Tuesday I move abroad for a job (another hooray!). My family and best friends came in town and the wedding was so fun.

Congratulations A lot of wonderful new developments in your life!

Unfortunately your parent's BPD behavior is kicking in now. It could very well be that the changes in your life are indeed triggering their anxiety. Turkish has given you some great advice. To help you get through this, I also suggest mindfulness/meditation as this this can help you stay present and calm and not get too far ahead of yourself.

Many ugly things were said on the parent's part ("Sorry I ever gave birth to you" and I snapped a couple of times and made my own exaggerated statements.

I had a thread here once about some of the hurtful things my mother said to me. You responded in that thread and what your mother said here fits right in with the examples shared in that old thread of mine.

For dealing with hostile communications, it might also help to keep these two acronyms in minde: J.A.D.E. and B.I.F.F.:

How to stop circular arguments - Don't J.A.D.E.: Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain

Dealing with hostile communications - Keep it B.I.F.F.: Brief, Informative, Friendly (as in civil), Firm

[searchingstability]

Hi Turkish and Kwamina,

Thank you so much for your advice! Yesterday was another whirlwind... .the boundaries I held onto were that I needed my time to process everything and that I will not engage with my parent when they are in a rage. I did not speak with my parent at all yesterday. I decided to go hiking with my friends and then, pending my parent's behavior, to meet for reconciliation. I told my brother (who has been the mediator/peace maker during this) what my plan was and emphasized that this did not mean I did not want to see my parent for the duration of the trip, but rather that I am just taking care of me so that reconciliation from my side can be that much better and genuine. I drove my friends and myself to the mountains and just outside of the National Park, I checked my phone: 15 voicemails from my parent and a text message that said "If you do not call me, I will interpret this as you wanting me to leave". I had no service on my phone, which I'm actually kind of grateful for! My hike was beautiful, but I was racked with guilt and anxiety that I have not felt in a long time. When we left the park and entered cellphone service, my other parent called (they did not come for the weekend and my parents had a very messy divorce 13 years ago). Turns out my brother told them everything and this parent let me know that, indeed, my BPD parent had left the state to go back home.

Upon returning from the hike, I learned that my BPD parent had also called my husband (!  ) about 15 times and my mother in law about 5 times. My MIL answered on the last call and my parent told her how disrespectful we were all being, and told her to relay the message: send back the jewelry, which includes the engagement and wedding rings passed onto me.

Now, I am relieved but also sad. I don't think I will be reaching out to my parent, and I will spend some time re-educating myself on all of this so that I can make the most informed decision. What I want to see from my parent is a genuine real apology in both words and actions, and progress in therapy/treatment. I do want a relationship with my parent, but not with their toxicity. But, again, I need to re-educate myself on all of this because these might be tall orders.


Anyways, thanks for the advice. Sorry I didn't get to use it this time around, but I will start here with my reading and learning.

[jdtm]

When dealing with the two uBPDs in my life,  I was accused of things I did not do, did not say, did not think.  So, the best solution for me was to do "nothing" - at least then I knew "why" they were angry. LOL   I think you are doing fine - I also found that after a certain time period, the BPDs in my life seemed to "forget" and life returned to "normal", sort of.  Don''t expect an apology or understanding; your BPD parent is really incapable of doing this.  I have also had to block people from messaging or contacting me - sad one has to resort to this infantile method of communication.  But, it is what it is.

Congratulations on your marriage, graduation and new job. All he best ... .