He is still trying to put off the divorce by more lies

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

His lawyer actually told my lawyer that because he believes that I told him I slept with someone else, it is enough to sway the judge to not let us get divorced on his adultery! This sounds like my entire marriage! Whatever he believes to be true = must be true! UUUGGGHHHH! I told her I am going by principle now... .I told her if he makes us refile, I will make it adultery, abuse and alcoholism. I have proof... .I am so sorry I was crying over this last night! He is still making me crazy and I refuse to give in to his manipulations!

[Herodias]

His lawyer actually told my lawyer that because he believes that I told him I slept with someone else, it is enough to sway the judge to not let us get divorced on his adultery! This sounds like my entire marriage! Whatever he believes to be true = must be true! UUUGGGHHHH! I told her I am going by principle now... .I told her if he makes us refile, I will make it adultery, abuse and alcoholism. I have proof... .I am so sorry I was crying over this last night! He is still making me crazy and I refuse to give in to his manipulations!

[Lifewriter16]

I hope that your solicitor contacts his solicitor with that possibility and your husband has the sense to let your divorce go through as it is. It's nearly over... .just the last ditch temper tantrums to negotiate. There's no need to apologise for crying over this. It's a terribly stressful situation and you went into your marriage in good faith. You'd be unusual if you weren't crying. Keep a tissue handy, ironically, crying will make you stronger.

LW x

[Herodias]

I hope that your solicitor contacts his solicitor with that possibility and your husband has the sense to let your divorce go through as it is. It's nearly over... .just the last ditch temper tantrums to negotiate. There's no need to apologise for crying over this. It's a terribly stressful situation and you went into your marriage in good faith. You'd be unusual if you weren't crying. Keep a tissue handy, ironically, crying will make you stronger.

LW x

Thank you, you are right... .I am not saying anymore to them... .I actually got mad and told her to tell his lawyer to tell him, he won by getting me to pay half. I told her about all the abuse and craziness that she did not know. I told her to have his lawyer ask him if he would rather I refile on adultery, abuse and alcohol abuse. I don't think he would want that all exposed in court and on a record. I actually said, if he needs the money he can pay me back over the next few months. I refuse to let him get away with saying I gave in, because of his lies... .I told her it is principle now. I am not the person I was that he can toy with and manipulate. I think some will think I should just give in and pay... .but I really feel strongly about not letting him do this to me anymore... .It will make me angry at myself if I give in to him anymore... .

[ForeverDad]

I refuse to let him get away with saying I gave in, because of his lies... .I told her it is principle now. I am not the person I was that he can toy with and manipulate. I think some will think I should just give in and pay... .but I really feel strongly about not letting him do this to me anymore... .It will make me angry at myself if I give in to him anymore... .

Call it backbone, standing your ground, whatever, this may be your watershed realization... .you have a right and ability to say No, no more.  You may not get everything you wish but you've accepted that you won't get it from him of his own volition.  As has been observed before, a court decision, even if not fair, is usually "less unfair" than what you'd get from your Ex.

I reached that epiphany (definition: a moment when you suddenly feel that you understand, or suddenly become conscious of, something that is very important to you) on Trial Day near the end of my 2 year divorce.  She had a favorable temp order, with me as alternate weekend father, yet the court's parenting investigation and the custody evaluation both recommended changes favorable to me.  So when I arrived at court I was greeted with news she at last was ready to settle.  Well, the professionals were recommending equal time.  So I started with my one line-in-the-sand requirement, I would be Residential Parent for School Purposes or else we would go in and let the judge decide.

That boundary was so empowering to me.  No more chasing my tail playing defense, using a sports analogy, those teams in competitive games know you don't win playing only defense.  Hence my firm statement, either that or let the judge decide.  She blinked.  (Outcome:  Final decree was in March where I became RP; in April her school's board informed me that due to her continuing scenes at school they would not let our child in kindergarten stay to the end of the school year, I had one day to register him in my school.)

I think you're right to say you're done with the appeasing and bargaining, at least until a time when a settlement can be written in stone and not undone or denied 5 minutes later.  Surprisingly, many of us have reached settlements, not at the start of a case but nearly always just before a looming hearing or event such as a trial.  Since you don't have children together and hence no custody issues, the case is much simpler and you may get it all resolved this summer.

[Herodias]

I refuse to let him get away with saying I gave in, because of his lies... .I told her it is principle now. I am not the person I was that he can toy with and manipulate. I think some will think I should just give in and pay... .but I really feel strongly about not letting him do this to me anymore... .It will make me angry at myself if I give in to him anymore... .

Call it backbone, standing your ground, whatever, this may be your watershed realization... .you have a right and ability to say No, no more.  You may not get everything you wish but you've accepted that you won't get it from him of his own volition.  As has been observed before, a court decision, even if not fair, is usually "less unfair" than what you'd get from your Ex.

I reached that epiphany (definition: a moment when you suddenly feel that you understand, or suddenly become conscious of, something that is very important to you) on Trial Day near the end of my 2 year divorce.  She had a favorable temp order, with me as alternate weekend father, yet the court's parenting investigation and the custody evaluation both recommended changes favorable to me.  So when I arrived at court I was greeted with news she at last was ready to settle.  Well, the professionals were recommending equal time.  So I started with my one line-in-the-sand requirement, I would be Residential Parent for School Purposes or else we would go in and let the judge decide.

That boundary was so empowering to me.  No more chasing my tail playing defense, using a sports analogy, those teams in competitive games know you don't win playing only defense.  Hence my firm statement, either that or let the judge decide.  She blinked.  (Outcome:  Final decree was in March where I became RP; in April her school's board informed me that due to her continuing scenes at school they would not let our child in kindergarten stay to the end of the school year, I had one day to register him in my school.)

I think you're right to say you're done with the appeasing and bargaining, at least until a time when a settlement can be written in stone and not undone or denied 5 minutes later.  Surprisingly, many of us have reached settlements, not at the start of a case but nearly always just before a looming hearing or event such as a trial.  Since you don't have children together and hence no custody issues, the case is much simpler and you may get it all resolved this summer.

Thank you for saying I have a right to say no... .it does make sense to me. I'm happy things worked out for you! I think this all will work out in the end, but so frustrating. I am trying to think of it as one last attempt at harassment by him towards me... .and the final abandonment! Funny thing is, he is saying that he will pay the money he owes for the divorce now, but wants a credit towards the lawsuit he has against me... .Does he know he is going to lose? Has to! That's hilarious that I just realized that. Regardless, I don't think it is fair at all that he wants me to pay more than half for his games... .I will pay half of any further charges I have to endure to make sure he gets adultery and more on his record if thats what he wants!

[GaGrl]

Don't lose sight of the fact that he has a partner who is probably applying a great deal of pressure for him to be free to marry her.  Leverage.

[Herodias]

Don't lose sight of the fact that he has a partner who is probably applying a great deal of pressure for him to be free to marry her.  Leverage.

You would think... .If she knows what is going on... .I even thought that maybe he wants a reason not to marry her! Who knows! I just hope tomorrow things will settle... .There is always chaos with him!

[ForeverDad]

Often the question is asked, do they know what they're doing, are they aware?  Sometimes we just can't categorically say one way or the other.  A PD is a mental disorder and to a greater or lesser extent their thinking is not based in reality.  Since so much of it can appear calculating and demonstrate a certain level of awareness, we would conclude they have to know at some level.  But the Denial and Blame Shifting can be so intense.  So we just have to deal with the behaviors we are faced with and Let Go the wish to know or understand what's really going on in their heads.  By definition mental illness is illogical and can't make common sense, even if it can be described, categorized and written up in textbooks.

And you don't know what lies and blaming he's dishing out to his new relationship.  Typically a pwBPD will describe all past relationships as abusive.  Theirs is a life with extremes of perceptions, if you're not idolized, you're vilified.  Eventually she may come to understand how messed up he is, but who knows how long that might take, if ever.  So... .Let Go and Move On.