My ex has returned.. Anyone decided to take their exBPD back and what happened?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Has anyone taken their exBPD back? What were your reasons to want to try again? and... what happened when you did?

My ex reached out a few days ago. She misses me... but still blames me entirely for the break up which is huge problem.

I read her social media where she openly wrote she regrets her decision in breaking up with me and thinking I was not "neurotypical" enough for her but that I am the best there is in our town... .

She IMed she feels like getting back together but doesn't know whether it is a good idea or not.

She told me that she would love to have what we used to have (a monogamous relationship) minus the 'splitting' I caused for her to decide break up with me (her projecting).

I am still deciding whether getting back is worth it or not.

I know better, reading about BPD and the tools to use to make things easier etc.

I know what part I played that caused issues in our relationship. Both of us did push/pull and threats during disagreements, which wasn't good but I know what I did wrong and want to improve on this.

She doesn't know what she did wrong or wants to believe or admit she hurt me too and that it takes two. I can't explain why she doesn't seem to grasp she is at fault too other than because of her BPD and how seriously defensive she can get.

She isn't very self aware so what hope is there really for an apology for things she does?

I'm afraid that getting straight back together and giving her what she wants will absolve her of any responsibility and  have her continue thinking she hasn't done anything wrong.

There is also no point in arguing with her that I do not "split" whenever she wants to bring that up.

I don't know what else I could do to improve our r/s if we were to try again. The only thing I know I can do is improve how I react to things and the way I communicate with her and see what happens and how she will behave to my own improvemenents.

She is not in therapy. I don't think I can convince her.

It would have been nice if instead of blaming me she said something positive like why I am good for her and how much she effed up but I don't expect to hear that kind of stuff from her.

I need to know why she wants to suddenly start over.

I want to know if she genuinely loves me for me and remembers what she lost, or if she's just coming back because she is lonely and settling for me.

So far I told her we can take it slow and see how I feel about things. She is ok with that.

[Curiously1]

Has anyone taken their exBPD back? What were your reasons to want to try again? and... what happened when you did?

My ex reached out a few days ago. She misses me... but still blames me entirely for the break up which is huge problem.

I read her social media where she openly wrote she regrets her decision in breaking up with me and thinking I was not "neurotypical" enough for her but that I am the best there is in our town... .

She IMed she feels like getting back together but doesn't know whether it is a good idea or not.

She told me that she would love to have what we used to have (a monogamous relationship) minus the 'splitting' I caused for her to decide break up with me (her projecting).

I am still deciding whether getting back is worth it or not.

I know better, reading about BPD and the tools to use to make things easier etc.

I know what part I played that caused issues in our relationship. Both of us did push/pull and threats during disagreements, which wasn't good but I know what I did wrong and want to improve on this.

She doesn't know what she did wrong or wants to believe or admit she hurt me too and that it takes two. I can't explain why she doesn't seem to grasp she is at fault too other than because of her BPD and how seriously defensive she can get.

She isn't very self aware so what hope is there really for an apology for things she does?

I'm afraid that getting straight back together and giving her what she wants will absolve her of any responsibility and  have her continue thinking she hasn't done anything wrong.

There is also no point in arguing with her that I do not "split" whenever she wants to bring that up.

I don't know what else I could do to improve our r/s if we were to try again. The only thing I know I can do is improve how I react to things and the way I communicate with her and see what happens and how she will behave to my own improvemenents.

She is not in therapy. I don't think I can convince her.

It would have been nice if instead of blaming me she said something positive like why I am good for her and how much she effed up but I don't expect to hear that kind of stuff from her.

I need to know why she wants to suddenly start over.

I want to know if she genuinely loves me for me and remembers what she lost, or if she's just coming back because she is lonely and settling for me.

So far I told her we can take it slow and see how I feel about things. She is ok with that.

[KarmasReal]

She wants to start over because she hasn't used you up yet. I've been there, been told she missed me, I said we should take things slow. I did this because I truly loved who my ex was when she wasn't being crazy. Unfortunately those roller coaster ups and downs are who she was. You can handle how you react to things better, sure we all could, but you would have to do it perfectly from now unyielding eternity and that still might not be enough to keep your exBPD around. No person could keep that up (just to let you know what you're dealing with). It took a long time to see what mine truly was, after so long they can't keep the facade up as much. Maybe you haven't gotten there yet.  She will never know what she did wrong in the relationship and she will never admit it, so do you really think it can keep going under those circumstances. Basically you may be just like I was, logically aware the relationship would fail, but so emotionally attached you came back anyways because you just couldn't walk away. Either way I feel for you, I hope you're doing okay with whatever you decide!

[Curiously1]

She wants to start over because she hasn't used you up yet. I've been there, been told she missed me, I said we should take things slow. I did this because I truly loved who my ex was when she wasn't being crazy. Unfortunately those roller coaster ups and downs are who she was. You can handle how you react to things better, sure we all could, but you would have to do it perfectly from now unyielding eternity and that still might not be enough to keep your exBPD around. No person could keep that up (just to let you know what you're dealing with). It took a long time to see what mine truly was, after so long they can't keep the facade up as much. Maybe you haven't gotten there yet.  She will never know what she did wrong in the relationship and she will never admit it, so do you really think it can keep going under those circumstances. Basically you may be just like I was, logically aware the relationship would fail, but so emotionally attached you came back anyways because you just couldn't walk away. Either way I feel for you, I hope you're doing okay with whatever you decide!

Thank you. That's exactly where I am at atm. It has been peaceful and I know I can do without her and have been dettaching. I've been meeting new people and it's just been nice. Suddenly she changes her mind and wants to start over.

All I know is she didn't care much about me when she was actively trying to find new dates. She hasn't been successful and is a lazy person in general, doesn't take rejection well and doesn't want to stay single for long.

She came back, I think also because I didn't want to be her friend. She doesn't have many friends and wasn't satisfied with the 1 friend that she has...

I don't see a future with her anymore, or I am that upset right now and reading about BPD etc. I just realise things are bound to fail no matter what I do and it's just a matter of when. I am still attached and love her you're right, it's so hard to let go. I played the role of caretaker really, and she has this side of herself that makes you feel responsible when really, she can find other ways to survive on her own. I try not to blame myself too much but there's a part of me that's telling me, if I try these tools out, perhaps it won't be so bad and I can make this one work and she will at least be manageable and we can be happier but who am I kidding? Why do I have to learn this the hard way? Will just changing/adjusting my actions really change much? It's the only hope I have for making things work.

Perhaps I am in denial too and wish she thought exactly the way I did. No matter what she tells me, a BPD persons perspective of love is different and I am not sure I am satisfied with what she has to offer me.

She is never at fault. Is there really no way you can make someone more self aware? ... .

[wanttoknowmore]

Curious...

pwBPDs always have other ways ... .and other options.  They might make you believe that they are this weak, fragile, vulnerable human beings who can not survive without you.

That is a powerful hook.  pwBPD are generally very resourceful... .(I mean from Human resource point of view)... .they have an assortment of Ex lovers... .brand new shiny lover

waiting in the wings... .a cult like small group of friends who always agree with each other... .and of course... their mothers...

So, don't worry about her... .she knows how to quickly hook a person... they mastered this survival tactics...

Lastly... .most likely... .the same thing will happen again and again... .until you get totally exhausted and drained.  Hooks, Hooks and more Hooks... .watch out .

[Curiously1]

Curious...

pwBPDs always have other ways ... .and other options.  They might make you believe that they are this weak, fragile, vulnerable human beings who can not survive without you.

That is a powerful hook.  pwBPD are generally very resourceful... .(I mean from Human resource point of view)... .they have an assortment of Ex lovers... .brand new shiny lover

waiting in the wings... .a cult like small group of friends who always agree with each other... .and of course... their mothers...

So, don't worry about her... .she knows how to quickly hook a person... they mastered this survival tactics...

Lastly... .most likely... .the same thing will happen again and again... .until you get totally exhausted and drained.  Hooks, Hooks and more Hooks... .watch out .

My ex is introverted and doesn't have many friends and doesn't go out very often. She doesn't have supportive family either. They kicked her out a long time ago for being a lesbian, live far away and her mother committed suicide when she was very young... .

If you follow my story, she did find someone to replace me, despite not knowing many people she was still resourceful and it caught me off guard as this person was a 'friend'. She wasn't happy with the replacement, they remained friends and there was a period of time she was looking for somone new and shiny yes. She relies on online dating and told me that no profile stands out as the one for her and that she wants to try again with me of course since I am the best there is in town...

She is not very attractive (I fell for her in other ways),she hasn't taken care of herself and is overweight at the moment. I encouraged her to lose weight etc but she only started doing that when the doctor said so. I'm not allowed to suggest anything usually.

She is doing the best she can to make herself look good again now that she is single. We used to go to gym together.  I tried to be her friend for a week but I quickly realised it wasn't worth it and disappeared and yeah she is starting to miss me and then reached out. I am a source of motivation perhaps. I am the best source of supply she has... .

I was tired of her insensitivity/lack of care for my own feelings, talking about her dates, assuming I was fine too or didn't care whether I was hurt or not.

She knows Its only been 2 months since our break up and probably afraid that I deciding to dettach and wants to hook me again before its too late. She believes she is "undateable" but she still tries and has just given up because she can't be bothered and too much energy or something and of course she told me she felt disposable because of the rejection she has been facing. She misses "stability" of a relationship... she said.

I know how long weve been together doesn't matter, it's too soon nor does she deserve my kindness.

I was pretty much her longest r/s (10 months) and she was my first serious one. Most people left her after 3 months or less she has told me.

I don't know what to do with her at this stage.

Her replacement told me she wasnt over me when they were together and couldnt guarantee the replacement if or when she would like them (only lasted 2 weeks longest)

I don't know if what the replacement described was still love for me... .

I don't know how she feels about me at the moment. But obviously she is very lonely and in a desperate state.

If only she went to therapy... .

[Thread]

I'm too emotionally exhausted by my returned BPD h who I was gonna divorce and now am going to divorce for real. I think you can click into my name and see what I've written. He accepted ALL responsibility when he tried getting me back. The cycles continue on even after intense DBT therapy. I'm so tired I can't even write about the roller coaster ride - together for 5 years separated for one. Feels like eternity.

[C.Stein]

My ex reached out a few days ago. She misses me... but still blames me entirely for the break up which is huge problem.

Until this changes nothing else really matters ... .does it?  (see bold)

[Curiously1]

My ex reached out a few days ago. She misses me... but still blames me entirely for the break up which is huge problem.

Until this changes nothing else really matters ... .does it?  (see bold)

Is there any way I can help her see or explain to her that it takes two people?

[Herodias]

I took him back 4 times... .still ended up worse and worse. Sorry... .

[Icanteven]

My ex reached out a few days ago. She misses me... but still blames me entirely for the break up which is huge problem.

Until this changes nothing else really matters ... .does it?  (see bold)

This.  Even if my wife wanted to reconcile, I wanted huge changes to her behavior and our marriage.  "Baby come back, you can blame it all on me" works in the very short term; anything beyond a few weeks and I can't believe we wouldn't be having the same old fights.  Self awareness isn't their strong suit.

[Ceruleanblue]

I took my BPDh back, after he'd left, so I filed for divorce. He'd spent our three married years using threats of divorce as a weapon. I was suicidal for a while(had gone and got help and stopped feeling that way), but I was also worn down, and working on myself in therapy. When he left, I was devastated because I felt I'd been putting up with his abuse and BPD behaviors, and HE leaves? I'd been the one learning the tools on here, radically accepting him(but trying not to accept the abuse), and learning to live with his personality disorder.

I took him back, he got in DBT therapy, and he didn't threaten for six months. Oh, he also threw my 16 year old son out, and insisted we move closer to his job. I didn't know what to do, but by son said save my marriage, and he'd just finish up school and live with grandparents. Frankly, I think he wanted away from BPDh, and I can't blame him.

Well, after that six months, BPDh did his usual slow descent before the holidays, and things have gotten worse since. He'd back to threats and saying crappy things about me and the marriage, but takes little responsibility for what he does. I'm just supposed to be everything he wants, and mold myself around his skewed thinking, I guess.

I see that I can't live this way forever. I have short term plans, in case he pulls the plug, and longer term plans, for getting out. I wanted so badly to make our marriage work, but he just refuses to modify his behaviors at all. I modify MINE to accomodate him, which is basically being codependent. At this point though, I'm just doing it to make my life more peaceful until I can get out though. In my head, short of a miracle(him making slight changes even would help), I'm done... .I'm just here until I can get through school.

[Aussie0zborn]

No, she doesn't suddenly love you.

I took her back and seeing as you asked what happened, here it is :

She betrayed me

She seduced a thug to bash me. (He failed)

I'm now bankrupt as a result of solely carrying a marital debt.

She gets to walk away with almost a million dollars as my bankruptcy trustee is not really inclined to pursue settlement which would annul my bankruptcy as if it never happened.

My business is down the gurgler.

I borrow money from my daughter.

Is there anything else you'd like to know about taking them back?

[HoneyB33]

Honestly, I look at everything you're saying, and I know it so well. It's you asking ALL the questions of how YOU can do something. How can YOU get her to realize responsibility. Honestly, I'd say don't waste yourself on her. I think she might be mad that she's doing so terribly and that you are actually moving on and doing well. She might not realize this, or maybe she does. The truth is, you still have energy to suck. Don't let her take you to the end of yourself. I took my ex back when she cheated on me and said she changed. I had no idea about BPD. What that turned into was her trying to convince me that I had BPD and was an abuser. Lies I'm still trying to get out of. Don't let her do this to any more. It's clear that she has ZERO motive to actually do anything good to or for you. She's blaming you and doing nothing to earn you, all the while you questioning how YOU can maybe help her. It's a maybe. And honestly, from what you've shared, it's not even that. This isn't a pwBPD coming back to you with an apology, with an attempt at therapy, with even an acknowledgment of how you feel. This is a person who is literally bringing you nothing. And you are still questioning if you have anything left to give. Keep it for yourself. I can understand still loving someone. I cared so much for my ex. And I wanted so deeply to help her. But all she left me with was a completely drained sense of self, believing I was an abuser, and that I was the one who was wrong and at fault. My advice to you is that you still have something left in yourself. You still have love in your heart, and a correct image of yourself. Use that energy to find out why you think you should be in a relationship with someone who abuses you, and clearly has NO regard for you, when you have every regard for her. Please, please, please. Use this energy for yourself, and get away from her. It's not just her illness that's here. That's one thing. It's that in her illness she chooses to blame, abuse, and use you. This is wrong. Don't give her anything of yourself, esp when you are clearly doing well and moving on with your life. These ppl are dangerous, esp when they have NO desire to try.

[LilMe]

Hi Curiously1 

I am sorry you are faced with this tough decision.  Sadly, I have to add to the 'went back and it didn't work' side.  My uBPD accepted some responsibility and went to counseling for a while.  But it didn't last.  In a few months things slowly started to slide back into the old ways.  He now claims he never did anything wrong.  :'(  I was forced to accept that he is who he is.  There is the amazing, kind, loving side of him and the cruel, angry side too.  That is just how it is.

Whatever you do, please focus on you!  We cannot change or control those around us, but we can change ourselves.  You are important!  You deserve to be treated kindly and respectfully.  There are lots of tools and workshops on this site that are extremely helpful.  Boundaries might be a good place for you to start.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

Let us know how things are going for you.