separated threats and kids.

[foody]

Hi again.

My uBPD gf dumped me a few months ago. Lots of lies, even when presented with very real evidence of lying and cheating she still tries to lie and manipulate her way oit of it. Anyway thats not my issue

because of the research ive done and the help ive received   from you folks and elsewhere im very strong mentally. Im aware of her tried and tested tactics to manipulate and it has no effect on me. She knows this now even though she still tries. Its quite pathetic to watch.

Her latest attempt is threatening access to our kids. I know my rights and told her that. An interesting thing she said to me is "the only thing i can control now is those kids"

anyway im interested in hearing if anyone else has had this issue and how they dealt with it. Im tempted to go for full custody but i doubt whether I'd get it.

Thanks

[C.Stein]

I can only imagine how tough it is to see your kids put in the middle.

What are you looking for here?  A reconciliation?  More access to your kids?

[livednlearned]

Hi foody,

I'm glad to hear you're feeling stronger. You've been through a lot these past few months. It's a lot to pack into a short time.

How old are the kids? What kind of arrangement do you have now?

The nuclear approach to custody is expensive, emotionally exhausting, and can make things worse, not just for the kids but for you, too. It's good to know what your rights are. It's also good to know that BPD is an extremely complex disorder in the context of family law court.

It may be more effective to focus on learning the skills to de-escalate conflict so that she does not jeopardize the kids. People with BPD tend to have no boundaries, and that can mean that the kids feel like extensions of the BPD parent. She may also struggle to emotionally make sense of her emotions and externalize them onto the kids to help her process them through them, if that makes sense. It is intensely traumatizing to the kids to experience this because it can create loyalty binds that gut them emotionally.

A hard question when kids are involved is whether you want to be right, or want to get along. Your ex likely brings some difficult behaviors to the table. Do you want to apply some fu to the situation and de-escalate the conflict?

Maybe you can share with us some examples of how the two of you are communicating. Sometimes, depending on whether she is a high conflict person (HCP, according to Bill Eddy) or someone who suffers from BPD, you can adopt different approaches and tailor them to the individual. This helps us avoid making things inadvertently worse than they need to be.

[foody]

Hello again livenlearned

i want 50/50 custody. Nothing more. Even. It has to be because we both work shifts and anything else would be very difficult to arrange, especially as she's cut all ties to her family so has no support for childcare. Because shes very aware she cant control me anymore she's started saying things like if i dont 'back down' ie become more compliant, she'll force me into having conrrolled acces. Once a fortnight etc. These threats normally start when i confront her over her lies and deceit.

This may sound harsh but im not interested in conflict de escalation. Shes treated me and the kids with utter disrespect and a total lack of empathy.

Example. Im the stable one. Ive always worked and provided my kids with everything whilst shes hardly worked; dipped in an out of education and lived how shes wanted to. Last night she posted a meme on fb which my son will have seen saying im just a sperm donor and have never been there for them.

Now thats emotional abuse so i really dont care about not confronting her obviously when the kids aren't about.

I said to her this morning about it. I also said about her lying and cheating on me forcthe last 12 months and how shes also been lying to the kids. She said its none of my business! Theres absolutely no recognition of the damage she's done. She dosent care.oh she also introduced my 5 yr old daughter to the man she's having the affair with. He bought her icw cream. Apparently theres nothing wrong with that either.

Im still going for 50/50. I could go for full custody cause ive got plenty of evidence but that's not in the best interests of the kids.

[C.Stein]

These threats normally start when i confront her over her lies and deceit.

This may sound harsh but im not interested in conflict de escalation. Shes treated me and the kids with utter disrespect and a total lack of empathy.

I know how hard it is to deal with the lies and deceit.  The desire to get some truth, some accountability is entirely understandable.  That said, when you are dealing with a borderline you will probably never get what you seek.  In your particular case continued confrontation and conflict escalation seems to be spilling over to your children and I am certain you don't want that.  How do you think you might avoid most of the conflict here to minimize the fallout on your kids?

[foody]

Hi.

I only confront her when i know she's lying at that time. Ive kept my kids as shielded from it as possible. I only approach her when they're not around unlike her whos verbally attacked our sone several times when he's been upset over the split, even ripping into him before school and sending him to school in tears.

If i ever try and talk to her about the fallout and protecting the kids she goes nuclear and starts ranting about her. It's all me me i i, and then theres the word manipulation so itsxall about hiw she feels. Eg. A few wks ago my 5yr old was being very agitated. My ex said 'she hates me,shes shouting at me". I said calmly that maybe she's picking up on the tension in the house.

My ex thrn started screaming in my face that im calling her a bad mother. Absolutely no thought of why our daughtrr was behaving badly.

My ex will never admit to her lies, i know that. Even when presented with evidence she still denies it and tries to twist the conversation around to something shes can control. Usually trying fir the sympathy line. I see through it now. I stick purely to facts, never opinion. And keep my statements short amdcblunt so theres no room for her to 'misinterpret'.

I just want her out of my house so i can move on. If i didnt confront her and push a few buttons i honestly dont think she'll go. Why shoukd she when im still in the background as her doormat? Well I've destroyed that for her. Ivecmade it absolutely clear to get out and that where shes concerned im emotionally dead. I've completely cut her away emotionally and mentally and I've told her. Ive rejected hwr utterly.

[C.Stein]

My ex will never admit to her lies, i know that. Even when presented with evidence she still denies it and tries to twist the conversation around to something shes can control. Usually trying fir the sympathy line. I see through it now. I stick purely to facts, never opinion. And keep my statements short amdcblunt so theres no room for her to 'misinterpret'.

I know how hard it is to deal with this, especially when it is turned back on you.  Have you heard of Radical Acceptance?

If you can accept your wife is who she is, her behavior is what it is, then you won't feel the need to confront her anymore? 

[livednlearned]

What do you think of C.Stein's advice? It's really good.

If you can accept your wife is who she is, her behavior is what it is, then you won't feel the need to confront her anymore? 

The more conflict between the parents, the worse the kids fare. It may as well be a mathematical formula, as clear as 1 + 1 = 2.

People with BPD tend to think in binary ways, all good or all bad, right or wrong, one up or one down. It feels like we have to defend ourselves by raising the bar of conflict when there is in fact a middle way.

Is that something you might want to focus on?

[formflier]

Hi.

I only confront her when i know she's lying at that time. Ive kept my kids as shielded from it as possible. I

Why confront her at all?

Make sure you understand her version and drop it.

It is very likely that she is "getting something" or "feeding a dysfunctional desire" in the cycle of she lies and you confront.  If she lies and you "don't take the bait" or are very calm about "not accepting her version", vice "confronting", then the lying may die down.

FF

[foody]

Hi folks

sry i wasnt being clear on when i confront the lying. Its when the lies impact on the kids emotional wellbeing. That's when i confront her now.i know she wont admit the truth about the affair etc and i dont care about that now but when the lies affect the kids thsts a different story. Amd as she still hasnt left my house,is just hanging around like a toxic cloud of misery its hard. I jusr need her to leave now. Get away from us so i can repair the damahe shes done, which apparently is nothing to do with her. Thr kids do t see any of the arguments and tbh honest she's dug such a deep hole for herself she no longer has an argument, all she can do is try to chamge the subject.

Im not giving any more of my time to trying to avcept her. Ive done that. Mamy times. If i could id go no contact but i cant.