What happens if you try to communicate when you're split black?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm not going to try this. I'm just curious. Has anybody ever done it? If so, what were the results?

[sweet tooth]

I'm not going to try this. I'm just curious. Has anybody ever done it? If so, what were the results?

[SoMadSoSad]

I'm not going to try this. I'm just curious. Has anybody ever done it? If so, what were the results?

Silent treatment or assassination of your character.

[sweet tooth]

Is it safe to say Splitting someone black is a more serious form of Silent Treatment?

[SoMadSoSad]

Is it safe to say Splitting someone black is a more serious form of Silent Treatment?

Splitting black to me means she sees me as an enemy. Silent treatment is just her defense against me.

[Curiously1]

I'm not going to try this. I'm just curious. Has anybody ever done it? If so, what were the results?

Silent treatment or assassination of your character.

I've experienced exactly this last break up.

She called me names like a madwoman and insane and that I need extensive therapy, that I am just incompatible with her, that I am dysfunctional/unhealthy, that I am just obsessed with her

Right now I am given the Silent treatment. I'm not sure if I'm painted black at the moment by my soon to be exBPDgf again  but she's clearly not happy with me right now.

Another one is that I obviously am not considering her boundaries, or that I am harrassing her and if I had any regard for her left I would not contact her anymore.

[once removed]

if someone expresses that their wish is for no contact (not the same thing as silent treatment) there could be any number of consequences if we dont respect their boundary. they might range from setting the person off, to a restraining order, harassment charges, or at the very least, pushing that person further away.

depends on what you mean by split black here. if someone is angry at us, its generally best to give them space and let them cool off.

what happens to us? we perpetuate the attachment.

[Confused108]

I'm not going to try this. I'm just curious. Has anybody ever done it? If so, what were the results?

Silent treatment or assassination of your character.

I've experienced exactly this last break up.

She called me names like a madwoman and insane and that I need extensive therapy, that I am just incompatible with her, that I am dysfunctional/unhealthy, that I am just obsessed with her

Right now I am given the Silent treatment. I'm not sure if I'm painted black at the moment by my soon to be exBPDgf again   but she's clearly not happy with me right now.

Another one is that I obviously am not considering her boundaries, or that I am harrassing her and if I had any regard for her left I would not contact her anymore.

WOW are you serious? Everything you just said about what your ex did to you mine said the exact and I mean the exact same thing! I needed therapy! We were NOT Compatible! I was obsessed with her. Everything you just said! By any chance your not in Montreal Canada? Lol!

[GreenEyedMonster]

I was sent very menacing letters threatening me with restraining orders and prison time.

[Suspicious1]

I'm not going to try this. I'm just curious. Has anybody ever done it? If so, what were the results?

Silent treatment or assassination of your character.

This.

[Confused108]

YES! You are not trying to speak to a normal person. They will turn into a crazed nut if you continue to try and make contact with your ex . Or she will say your harassing her and get an order against you. And trust me she will have no guilt about doing it. Stay away . I know your hurting. I get it. I some days still can't believe what my ex dd to me either. And she was my childhood friend we were close and then my girlfriend. Then became this monster! This Jeckyl and Hyde if you will. Perfect name if I do say so myself. Stay away . No good will come of contacting her.

[sweet tooth]

YES! You are not trying to speak to a normal person. They will turn into a crazed nut if you continue to try and make contact with your ex . Or she will say your harassing her and get an order against you. And trust me she will have no guilt about doing it. Stay away . I know your hurting. I get it. I some days still can't believe what my ex dd to me either. And she was my childhood friend we were close and then my girlfriend. Then became this monster! This Jeckyl and Hyde if you will. Perfect name if I do say so myself. Stay away . No good will come of contacting her.

Did it happen to you? Did you get threatened?

[Hidden]

I think if they've expressed the need for NC it's only fair if they get mad when you disrespect that, though... .Think about being in that position, as well.

[sweet tooth]

I think if they've expressed the need for NC it's only fair if they get mad when you disrespect that, though... .Think about being in that position, as well.

I agree, but I'm not heartless enough to tell somebody to never contact me again without a reason.

[Confused108]

yes I did! Sweet I had NO idea what or how mentally sick my ex really was. She  was diagnosed as bipolar at 14 but her actions in romantic relationships do not add up to the disorder. So I searched for her actions towards me and it came up as BPD. I also spoke to a friend of my cousin who is a speacalist . She told me my ex was most likely misdiagnosed.  So when I tried to help my ex after she ended things with me she sent my wife at the time we were separated pending a divorce a message via FB . She told my soon to be ex wife that I was sending her BPD material and I'm convinced myself that's she has the disorder. She then says to my wife and get this if I'm married to my wife and we are together I think confused should back off from me! So what the hell are you saying? I can't talk to you because you think I'm still married to my wife? Crazy! So she threatened me with a restating order. So yea I was threatened bc I was trying to help my ex.

[sweet tooth]

yes I did! Sweet I had NO idea what or how mentally sick my ex really was. She  was diagnosed as bipolar at 14 but her actions in romantic relationships do not add up to the disorder. So I searched for her actions towards me and it came up as BPD. I also spoke to a friend of my cousin who is a speacalist . She told me my ex was most likely misdiagnosed.  So when I tried to help my ex after she ended things with me she sent my wife at the time we were separated pending a divorce a message via FB . She told my soon to be ex wife that I was sending her BPD material and I'm convinced myself that's she has the disorder. She then says to my wife and get this if I'm married to my wife and we are together I think confused should back off from me! So what the hell are you saying? I can't talk to you because you think I'm still married to my wife? Crazy! So she threatened me with a restating order. So yea I was threatened bc I was trying to help my ex.

That's crazy.  It's also possible to have BPD and Bipolar Disorder at the same time.  They have a decent comorbidity rate.

[Confused108]

Oh yes I know but trust me when I say she is 110% BPD!

[Confused108]

But do u see when I say no good can come of it. My ex has blocked me on FB sine the 1st week of October and I do believe I'm stil blocked. I will remain so and if it ever comes a day where she has unblocked me ... .Well I will be sure to block her and keep her that way.

[sweet tooth]

But do u see when I say no good can come of it. My ex has blocked me on FB sine the 1st week of October and I do believe I'm stil blocked. I will remain so and if it ever comes a day where she has unblocked me ... .Well I will be sure to block her and keep her that way.

Mine deactivated her Facebook last August. However, she can reactivate it on a whim. That's how she saw the pics of us together and suggested I take them down.  There's not other logical explanation, unless a mutual acquantance showed her (which I highly doubt). She blocked me on MeetUp basically as soon as I joined. However, I keep getting notifications that a Private LinkedIn member viewed me. I know it's the same person and not a recruiter because it gives dates. If it was a recruiter they would look once, not multiple times within a few week span! It makes no sense! I'm painted as black as Wesley Snipes but I am still being monitored! What gives?

[SoMadSoSad]

But do u see when I say no good can come of it. My ex has blocked me on FB sine the 1st week of October and I do believe I'm stil blocked. I will remain so and if it ever comes a day where she has unblocked me ... .Well I will be sure to block her and keep her that way.

Mine deactivated her Facebook last August. However, she can reactivate it on a whim. That's how she saw the pics of us together and suggested I take them down.  There's not other logical explanation, unless a mutual acquantance showed her (which I highly doubt). She blocked me on MeetUp basically as soon as I joined. However, I keep getting notifications that a Private LinkedIn member viewed me. I know it's the same person and not a recruiter because it gives dates. If it was a recruiter they would look once, not multiple times within a few week span! It makes no sense! I'm painted as black as Wesley Snipes but I am still being monitored! What gives?

Maybe she is having trouble maintaining the facade that you are all bad so she is probably looking for reinforcement perhaps?

[sweet tooth]

But do u see when I say no good can come of it. My ex has blocked me on FB sine the 1st week of October and I do believe I'm stil blocked. I will remain so and if it ever comes a day where she has unblocked me ... .Well I will be sure to block her and keep her that way.

Mine deactivated her Facebook last August. However, she can reactivate it on a whim. That's how she saw the pics of us together and suggested I take them down.  There's not other logical explanation, unless a mutual acquantance showed her (which I highly doubt). She blocked me on MeetUp basically as soon as I joined. However, I keep getting notifications that a Private LinkedIn member viewed me. I know it's the same person and not a recruiter because it gives dates. If it was a recruiter they would look once, not multiple times within a few week span! It makes no sense! I'm painted as black as Wesley Snipes but I am still being monitored! What gives?

Maybe she is having trouble maintaining the facade that you are all bad so she is probably looking for reinforcement perhaps?

Well, she met her match in that case.  I was called "good ol' boy" throughout high school! I go to Church on Sundays! I worked with children for close to a decade! I am the epitome of the "All American Male!" I can picture myself in a Rockwell painting!

GOOD LUCK, HUNNY!

[Rickybee]

I tried to contact everyday for the first week of suddenly being replaced and cut off and blocked immediately after 4 years, during the week leading up to me catching her cheating with her work friend she told me she loved me and seemed happy, spoke of kids and mortgage with me soon, that to radio silence over night once I found out she was having affair, I wanted closure and answers... something, she wouldn't answer calls or texts, she blocked me on everything instantly like it was planned for months or something, me catching her out cheating made her split me black and hate me, her last words were heartless, I was confronted with dead eyes and a person I had never met before, she said she wanted me gone and that was it... i went to her work to meet try see her on her lunch break whilst going to the deli I pulled up next to her and asked if we could talk, she looked and me shocked and said go away I'm ringing the police I and putting a restraining order on you if you come anywhere near my house or my workplace, it broke me I said were is he? she said he is innocent and that she made all the moves... she stood then calling the police whist holding her and my replacements lunch, I was speechless and drove away... i never saw her again... blindsided when all I gave her was love and compassion and honesty, she used me cruelly and 4 years was over in a shocking instant, turned out she was with him 3 months leading up to me finding out.no remorse, just cool indifference and satisfaction over destroying me, instantly switched her fb pic to her and him kissing and her relationship status to in a relationship with him, so cruel and shocking that she could hate me suddenly and never want to see or talk to me again over night... prolly getting off track abit here but my situation, she split me black and never wanted to be reminded that I exist again... she speeded of into being in love with my replacement, holidays together and both there familes intergrated, when a matter of weeks prior her family loved me and praised me aswell as her telling me how perfect I was and talking about out future together... truly baffling... still processing 4 years of insanity at one year out, sorry for the rant... but yeh in my case split black done and dusted instantly forgotten... or at least it feels like it

[Herodias]

Yes, I was told he would file a harassment charge against me and I believed him! Don't even try- they need to come to you. It will just lead to drama for both of you if you do it. Be strong!

[sweet tooth]

I tried to contact everyday for the first week of suddenly being replaced and cut off and blocked immediately after 4 years, during the week leading up to me catching her cheating with her work friend she told me she loved me and seemed happy, spoke of kids and mortgage with me soon, that to radio silence over night once I found out she was having affair, I wanted closure and answers... something, she wouldn't answer calls or texts, she blocked me on everything instantly like it was planned for months or something, me catching her out cheating made her split me black and hate me, her last words were heartless, I was confronted with dead eyes and a person I had never met before, she said she wanted me gone and that was it... i went to her work to meet try see her on her lunch break whilst going to the deli I pulled up next to her and asked if we could talk, she looked and me shocked and said go away I'm ringing the police I and putting a restraining order on you if you come anywhere near my house or my workplace, it broke me I said were is he? she said he is innocent and that she made all the moves... she stood then calling the police whist holding her and my replacements lunch, I was speechless and drove away... i never saw her again... blindsided when all I gave her was love and compassion and honesty, she used me cruelly and 4 years was over in a shocking instant, turned out she was with him 3 months leading up to me finding out.no remorse, just cool indifference and satisfaction over destroying me, instantly switched her fb pic to her and him kissing and her relationship status to in a relationship with him, so cruel and shocking that she could hate me suddenly and never want to see or talk to me again over night... prolly getting off track abit here but my situation, she split me black and never wanted to be reminded that I exist again... she speeded of into being in love with my replacement, holidays together and both there familes intergrated, when a matter of weeks prior her family loved me and praised me aswell as her telling me how perfect I was and talking about out future together... truly baffling... still processing 4 years of insanity at one year out, sorry for the rant... but yeh in my case split black done and dusted instantly forgotten... or at least it feels like it

Wow... .that is absolutely horrible... .I'm sorry that you went through that.

[Herodias]

I tried to contact everyday for the first week of suddenly being replaced and cut off and blocked immediately after 4 years, during the week leading up to me catching her cheating with her work friend she told me she loved me and seemed happy, spoke of kids and mortgage with me soon, that to radio silence over night once I found out she was having affair, I wanted closure and answers... something, she wouldn't answer calls or texts, she blocked me on everything instantly like it was planned for months or something, me catching her out cheating made her split me black and hate me, her last words were heartless, I was confronted with dead eyes and a person I had never met before, she said she wanted me gone and that was it... i went to her work to meet try see her on her lunch break whilst going to the deli I pulled up next to her and asked if we could talk, she looked and me shocked and said go away I'm ringing the police I and putting a restraining order on you if you come anywhere near my house or my workplace, it broke me I said were is he? she said he is innocent and that she made all the moves... she stood then calling the police whist holding her and my replacements lunch, I was speechless and drove away... i never saw her again... blindsided when all I gave her was love and compassion and honesty, she used me cruelly and 4 years was over in a shocking instant, turned out she was with him 3 months leading up to me finding out.no remorse, just cool indifference and satisfaction over destroying me, instantly switched her fb pic to her and him kissing and her relationship status to in a relationship with him, so cruel and shocking that she could hate me suddenly and never want to see or talk to me again over night... prolly getting off track abit here but my situation, she split me black and never wanted to be reminded that I exist again... she speeded of into being in love with my replacement, holidays together and both there familes intergrated, when a matter of weeks prior her family loved me and praised me aswell as her telling me how perfect I was and talking about out future together... truly baffling... still processing 4 years of insanity at one year out, sorry for the rant... but yeh in my case split black done and dusted instantly forgotten... or at least it feels like it

I agree Sweet tooth, that is just awful! Totally heartless. Very narcissistic... .Glad you found out when you did instead of being in it for longer. We all have to be grateful to be out. I read something that said... .when we lose these people, we find ourselves. I do believe that. Take care 

[Rickybee]

That is the tip of the iceberg, she treated me awful nothing but evil head games... abortion... evil episodes... she was very cunning and twisted, very dark cold heart, I was dealing with multiple people in one person, lovely one day, hyper the next, evil the next day, constantly forgetting any commitments made the day before, out of control OCD, she was full blown BPD with narc and sociopath traits, another day she would act like a cutesy child, like an actual child with baby voice and child like out look on the world, than another day she would be and stern adult fully switched on, it was bonkers... i say daily confusion to this behaviour but she would switch by the hour too, I could never really relax... she often used the silent treatment... or maybe she was just sleeping with other people whilst I was out the picture for a few days, she would let me think she is at home and depressed saying she feels suicidal then would turn her phone off for two days, when in fact she was out partying or be having other men over... thanks for letting me rant I don't post much but read a lot her to help me make some sense of what happened to me, but yeh again... she split me black... whilst these BPDs are very similar in actions and behaviour people are different, some perhaps worse than others, I somebody else mentioned, I knew she was poorly but not that ill, but I did see her cutting for attention and head butting walls at 1 year into the relationship, I didn't know what to do so I just stuck by her, I had no experience in mental health but loved her from being love bombed and idealized, she seemed so perfect but turned out to be truly evil to the core, it will never make sense to me that all I gave her was love and she just wanted to abuse me and destroy me and constantly lie and cheat, whilst trying to keep up an act that she loved me and would never cheat on anybody because she is not like that and its been done to her before... yeh right... made out all her exs were monsters, police restaining order on the ex before me and told the police he tried to kill her, he found out she was cheating on him so he slapped her round the face, which I don't condone but she tried to exaggerate it into him trying to kill her in her sleep, he nearly went to prison for 8 years but got the charges dropped with a restraining order not aloud with so many miles of her area, all the red flags were there but I wa inexperienced to these type of predators, I was innocent enough to think she was perfect and girl of my dreams, a year in and strange things started happening, or at least felt that way... any way sorry thank you for listening

[sweet tooth]

That is the tip of the iceberg, she treated me awful nothing but evil head games... abortion... evil episodes... she was very cunning and twisted, very dark cold heart, I was dealing with multiple people in one person, lovely one day, hyper the next, evil the next day, constantly forgetting any commitments made the day before, out of control OCD, she was full blown BPD with narc and sociopath traits, another day she would act like a cutesy child, like an actual child with baby voice and child like out look on the world, than another day she would be and stern adult fully switched on, it was bonkers... i say daily confusion to this behaviour but she would switch by the hour too, I could never really relax... she often used the silent treatment... or maybe she was just sleeping with other people whilst I was out the picture for a few days, she would let me think she is at home and depressed saying she feels suicidal then would turn her phone off for two days, when in fact she was out partying or be having other men over... thanks for letting me rant I don't post much but read a lot her to help me make some sense of what happened to me, but yeh again... she split me black... whilst these BPDs are very similar in actions and behaviour people are different, some perhaps worse than others, I somebody else mentioned, I knew she was poorly but not that ill, but I did see her cutting for attention and head butting walls at 1 year into the relationship, I didn't know what to do so I just stuck by her, I had no experience in mental health but loved her from being love bombed and idealized, she seemed so perfect but turned out to be truly evil to the core, it will never make sense to me that all I gave her was love and she just wanted to abuse me and destroy me and constantly lie and cheat, whilst trying to keep up an act that she loved me and would never cheat on anybody because she is not like that and its been done to her before... yeh right... made out all her exs were monsters, police restaining order on the ex before me and told the police he tried to kill her, he found out she was cheating on him so he slapped her round the face, which I don't condone but she tried to exaggerate it into him trying to kill her in her sleep, he nearly went to prison for 8 years but got the charges dropped with a restraining order not aloud with so many miles of her area, all the red flags were there but I wa inexperienced to these type of predators, I was innocent enough to think she was perfect and girl of my dreams, a year in and strange things started happening, or at least felt that way... any way sorry thank you for listening

That is bizarre. I'm sorry that you went through that. I thought mine was bad with her lying... .wow... .

[Rickybee]

Thank you for the hugs I love this site, its helped me a lot the last year, people here have compassion and know what its like, and as everybody says its uncanny how similar a lot of the behaviour and madness we witnessed in our partners, I see a ot of stuff here explained that I went thru... blessing to you all and my your hearts find peace and the love you deserve

[sweet tooth]

Thank you for the hugs I love this site, its helped me a lot the last year, people here have compassion and know what its like, and as everybody says its uncanny how similar a lot of the behaviour and madness we witnessed in our partners, I see a ot of stuff here explained that I went thru... blessing to you all and my your hearts find peace and the love you deserve

Likewise.

[Rickybee]

At sweet tooth, yes bizzare, fully mental mate at times, she was major psychosis and multiple disorders, and a treacherous cruel liar, sometimes she would go 3 or 4 months without doing something truly shocking or strange or heartless, but then bang something bad woud happen, she would give me just enough to keep me hanging on then mess with me again, I shouldn't have stuck around but was worried she might kill herself if I left her, she should have been an inpatient at times looking back but I never dared suggest it at the time, strangely aside from all this I did love her, and cared and wanted to somehow make her better but I couldn't, so I just stayed by her and supported, she would do anything for sympathy, so strange to me that she played the victim all the time and would gaslight constantly, it was all so confusing... i could go on for days about strange baffling events, weeks even... i still cant get my head around none of it, I just have to put it al down to the fact that she is very poorly, I hope she finds peace and stops destroying people, and I hope I can find indifference soon, a year of her haunting my thoughts is slowly sending me mad , got to stop chewing on the bone as they say, I need to bury the bone for good

[bAlex]

Contacting her makes you look desperate and weak in her eyes. Reinforces the idea that she has power over you.

Don't do it. Ever.

More often than not she would contact me, it meant she needed something. The couple of times I initiated contact she was so dismissive and aloof that it made me look like a snivelling loser and an idiot that's grovelling at her feet for a few scraps of attention. I will honestly never contact her ever again, or any woman that walks away from me for that matter.

[sweet tooth]

That's one of the reasons why I won't contact mine, the other being that I don't want any accusations of stalking, harassment, etc, no matter how remote the chances are. She told me she had a restraining order against her ex-husband at one time. I don't want to risk having that on my record.

[Meili]

I guess that I'm lucky. My x said the very thing that helps to keep me from every initiating communication with her. She told me, as I was running away from her, that I'm a predictor (project much? I mean, isn't it usually the prey that is running?). So, my trying to contact her would just be taken by her as more "proof" that she was right. No thanks. I'm not gonna play into that game.

Did your x ever say anything similar that you can use to bolster your resolve not to initiate contact?

[sweet tooth]

I guess that I'm lucky. My x said the very thing that helps to keep me from every initiating communication with her. She told me, as I was running away from her, that I'm a predictor (project much? I mean, isn't it usually the prey that is running?). So, my trying to contact her would just be taken by her as more "proof" that she was right. No thanks. I'm not gonna play into that game.

Did your x ever say anything similar that you can use to bolster your resolve not to initiate contact?

No, never. She never called me names. She only raged at me twice and it lasted a total (between the two) for about 5 seconds. She was never verbally abusive. Her abuse came through disappearing/silent treatment and invalidating my feelings.

She coldly split me black. She told me not to contact her again, so I haven't. What hurts is that I didn't do anything to warrant that. If I betrayed her, lied to her, hit her, etc, I would understand. All I ever did was care about her.

I don't know what I'lldo if she ever splits me the other way. I haven't reached my boiling point. I'm loyal and patient to a fault.

[bAlex]

That's one of the reasons why I won't contact mine, the other being that I don't want any accusations of stalking, harassment, etc, no matter how remote the chances are. She told me she had a restraining order against her ex-husband at one time. I don't want to risk having that on my record.

I suggest you take her advice, no matter how tempting the thought. Mine was still speaking to me while dating someone else. She hid that little detail from me knowing all too well that I wouldn't speak to her if she had a bf. I was obviously upset about it when I found out, and her bf was checking her phone in secret and freaked out when he saw the messages... Guess what she did? She blamed ME when they had an argument over her speaking to me! If I didn't find out by myself, she wouldn't even have told me so how was it my fault? She turned that guy against me to the point that she gave him my number and he then tried to threaten me! Ridiculous!

[sweet tooth]

That's one of the reasons why I won't contact mine, the other being that I don't want any accusations of stalking, harassment, etc, no matter how remote the chances are. She told me she had a restraining order against her ex-husband at one time. I don't want to risk having that on my record.

I suggest you take her advice, no matter how tempting the thought. Mine was still speaking to me while dating someone else. She hid that little detail from me knowing all too well that I wouldn't speak to her if she had a bf. I was obviously upset about it when I found out, and her bf was checking her phone in secret and freaked out when he saw the messages... Guess what she did? She blamed ME when they had an argument over her speaking to me! If I didn't find out by myself, she wouldn't even have told me so how was it my fault? She turned that guy against me to the point that she gave him my number and he then tried to threaten me! Ridiculous!

Early on, mine told me that her ex-boyfriend (after her ex-husband) contacted her randomly. She said that everything was fine at first, but then he suggested they get together for sex and she felt devalued. I suggested that I speak with him and tell him to leave her alone. She said, "No. It would be inappropriate for you to get involved." At this point I wouldn't be shocked if:

1. She contacted him instead of the other way around

2. There was no mention of sex

3. he contacted her, but #2 still applied

4. She was using the story to triangulate me

5. There was no ex and she made up the entire story

[Mars22]

This was EXACTLY my experience sweet tooth, mine was a quiet borderline,"... Never verbally abusive, Her abuse came through disappearing/silent treatment and invalidating my feelings... "  She would only rage over text at me, hardly ever in person or on the phone. Of course our last correspondence she became maniacal called me D%ck! and slammed the phone down on me, when all I was trying to do is help her. I let it rest a coulee days and then sent a really nice picture of us together (happier days) and she raged back how "insulting' and 'disrespectful' I was... "... proving her point by harassing her."

This posting was very timely... I was having a major urge to reach out today... must be having a good day i guess.

[Meili]

Early on, mine told me that her ex-boyfriend (after her ex-husband) contacted her randomly. She said that everything was fine at first, but then he suggested they get together for sex and she felt devalued. I suggested that I speak with him and tell him to leave her alone. She said, "No. It would be inappropriate for you to get involved." At this point I wouldn't be shocked if:

1. She contacted him instead of the other way around

2. There was no mention of sex

3. he contacted her, but #2 still applied

4. She was using the story to triangulate me

5. There was no ex and she made up the entire story

Thanks for that post ST! My x told me the same thing at various points in our r/s. I never thought of it as triangulation before!

[sweet tooth]

This was EXACTLY my experience sweet tooth, mine was a quiet borderline,"... Never verbally abusive, Her abuse came through disappearing/silent treatment and invalidating my feelings... "  She would only rage over text at me, hardly ever in person or on the phone. Of course our last correspondence she became maniacal called me D%ck! and slammed the phone down on me, when all I was trying to do is help her. I let it rest a coulee days and then sent a really nice picture of us together (happier days) and she raged back how "insulting' and 'disrespectful' I was... "... proving her point by harassing her."

This posting was very timely... I was having a major urge to reach out today... must be having a good day i guess.

Mars, something similar happened to me. She devalued me in a two day period. We went to a Valentine's show that SHE invited ME to. She told me how wonderful I was, we had so many good times together, and we had to go to the beach when the weather warmed up. Two days later there was "no spark" and she needed space. I messaged her two weeks to check up on her. 12 hours later I received a message that said, "do not contact me again." I was shocked and heart broken. No explanation. Nothing. So I sent a message back with a brief and respectful good bye. The situation sucks.

[sweet tooth]

Early on, mine told me that her ex-boyfriend (after her ex-husband) contacted her randomly. She said that everything was fine at first, but then he suggested they get together for sex and she felt devalued. I suggested that I speak with him and tell him to leave her alone. She said, "No. It would be inappropriate for you to get involved." At this point I wouldn't be shocked if:

1. She contacted him instead of the other way around

2. There was no mention of sex

3. he contacted her, but #2 still applied

4. She was using the story to triangulate me

5. There was no ex and she made up the entire story

Thanks for that post ST! My x told me the same thing at various points in our r/s. I never thought of it as triangulation before!

Mine also went out with a random, hood rat looking black guy during one of her "I just went to be friends" phases. She made sure to post a pic of it on FB. She was dressed like a complete whore, nothing like I ever saw her dressed before or since. In hindsight, it was all triangulation.

I'm afraid if you ex, or mine, ever decides to appear out of thin air there might be some triangulation involved. God, this situation sucks. I wish she could just be the way she is in she's good ALL of the time!

[once removed]

Early on, mine told me that her ex-boyfriend (after her ex-husband) contacted her randomly. She said that everything was fine at first, but then he suggested they get together for sex and she felt devalued. I suggested that I speak with him and tell him to leave her alone. She said, "No. It would be inappropriate for you to get involved." At this point I wouldn't be shocked if:

1. She contacted him instead of the other way around

2. There was no mention of sex

3. he contacted her, but #2 still applied

4. She was using the story to triangulate me

5. There was no ex and she made up the entire story

Thanks for that post ST! My x told me the same thing at various points in our r/s. I never thought of it as triangulation before!

we often see triangulation as foisted upon us by someone else. if we want to step off the triangle, it may be counter intuitive to see it this way.

from: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

"Involvement in an unhealthy drama triangle is not something another person is doing to you.  It's something you are doing with another person or persons. Karpman drama triangles involve at least two people and often three and can grow to even more if multiple linked triangles form.

Drama triangles form when participants who are predispositioned to adopt the roles of a drama triangle come together over an issue. There are motivations, often subconscious, for each participant in the triangle. The reason the triangle endures is that each participant gets some psychological needs met and they feel justified in their role - often not realizing the broader dysfunction and harm that is occurring. In short, each participant is acting upon self-satisfying but unhealthy roles, rather than acting in a genuinely responsible or altruistic manner."

[bAlex]

That's one of the reasons why I won't contact mine, the other being that I don't want any accusations of stalking, harassment, etc, no matter how remote the chances are. She told me she had a restraining order against her ex-husband at one time. I don't want to risk having that on my record.

I suggest you take her advice, no matter how tempting the thought. Mine was still speaking to me while dating someone else. She hid that little detail from me knowing all too well that I wouldn't speak to her if she had a bf. I was obviously upset about it when I found out, and her bf was checking her phone in secret and freaked out when he saw the messages... Guess what she did? She blamed ME when they had an argument over her speaking to me! If I didn't find out by myself, she wouldn't even have told me so how was it my fault? She turned that guy against me to the point that she gave him my number and he then tried to threaten me! Ridiculous!

Early on, mine told me that her ex-boyfriend (after her ex-husband) contacted her randomly. She said that everything was fine at first, but then he suggested they get together for sex and she felt devalued. I suggested that I speak with him and tell him to leave her alone. She said, "No. It would be inappropriate for you to get involved." At this point I wouldn't be shocked if:

1. She contacted him instead of the other way around

2. There was no mention of sex

3. he contacted her, but #2 still applied

4. She was using the story to triangulate me

5. There was no ex and she made up the entire story

Dude, walk away, just walk away. I've read some of your posts and I don't think any guy deserves to be treated like she treated you.

Also, if any girl withholds intimacy, in any form, walk out the door and don't look back. It isn't fair that she gave it openly and freely to people in her past and willingly withholds it from you. You can do better and you deserve better.

As to your post above, she's right, don't get involved with her problems. True or not about the ex, being a nice guy and trying to solve her problems just makes you look bad. It's her responsibility to leave her baggage at the door the day she met you! My ex also had lingering ex's, and guys she used to screw. What I should have done is tell her to get lost or get rid of them. Her job, not mine. I didn't enter that relationship for the sake of drama.

[Meili]

I'm afraid if you ex, or mine, ever decides to appear out of thin air there might be some triangulation involved. God, this situation sucks. I wish she could just be the way she is in she's good ALL of the time!

Well, that certainly is something to think about. If we do hear from them ever again, will it just be to upset some new person?

Honestly, I'd even go back to the bad times with mine if she were to actually try and work on herself. Since I know that won't happen, I have little to fear (or hope for!).

It does suck though. The pain is not something that I'd like to inflict on anyone.

[Confused108]

That is the tip of the iceberg, she treated me awful nothing but evil head games... abortion... evil episodes... she was very cunning and twisted, very dark cold heart, I was dealing with multiple people in one person, lovely one day, hyper the next, evil the next day, constantly forgetting any commitments made the day before, out of control OCD, she was full blown BPD with narc and sociopath traits, another day she would act like a cutesy child, like an actual child with baby voice and child like out look on the world, than another day she would be and stern adult fully switched on, it was bonkers... i say daily confusion to this behaviour but she would switch by the hour too, I could never really relax... she often used the silent treatment... or maybe she was just sleeping with other people whilst I was out the picture for a few days, she would let me think she is at home and depressed saying she feels suicidal then would turn her phone off for two days, when in fact she was out partying or be having other men over... thanks for letting me rant I don't post much but read a lot her to help me make some sense of what happened to me, but yeh again... she split me black... whilst these BPDs are very similar in actions and behaviour people are different, some perhaps worse than others, I somebody else mentioned, I knew she was poorly but not that ill, but I did see her cutting for attention and head butting walls at 1 year into the relationship, I didn't know what to do so I just stuck by her, I had no experience in mental health but loved her from being love bombed and idealized, she seemed so perfect but turned out to be truly evil to the core, it will never make sense to me that all I gave her was love and she just wanted to abuse me and destroy me and constantly lie and cheat, whilst trying to keep up an act that she loved me and would never cheat on anybody because she is not like that and its been done to her before... yeh right... made out all her exs were monsters, police restaining order on the ex before me and told the police he tried to kill her, he found out she was cheating on him so he slapped her round the face, which I don't condone but she tried to exaggerate it into him trying to kill her in her sleep, he nearly went to prison for 8 years but got the charges dropped with a restraining order not aloud with so many miles of her area, all the red flags were there but I wa inexperienced to these type of predators, I was innocent enough to think she was perfect and girl of my dreams, a year in and strange things started happening, or at least felt that way... any way sorry thank you for listening

I am truly sorry you went thru this. Your ex reminds me of mine. Heartless cruel didn't know who was gonna show up next in regards to her personality.  Lies lies and more lies. It was emotionally exhausting! My ex loved to "hurt" me any way she knew how.  Stay strong! I k ow it's hard! "Hugs"

[HurtinNW]

Returning to the original question, I think it is helpful to turn it back on ourselves, and ask ourselves: Why do we want to make contact? What are we hoping for?

These relationships can involve dysfunction on both sides. I know I often made contact from places of feeling hurt and angry. Part of me wanted my ex to know how I felt, another part of me wanted to recycle, another part wanted to hurt him back... .I had all sorts of emotions and I wasn't really connecting with myself and being honest about what they were.

Feelings are never bad. It is totally normal and okay to be furious with our exes. To be deeply wounded and hurt. To still care about them. To feel all the above and then some more.

What matters is the actions we take, and part of our journey is really getting into self-inquiry and processing what happened. We learn about ourselves and the journey we've been on. For me this has meant learning some hard things about why I kept reengaging in the relationship, and also, frankly, the stuff I did to perpetuate it. Like making contact with someone who clearly was not in the space for a healthy relationship!

Sweet tooth, do you have know why you are having this urge? Can you reflect on where it is coming from, and what you really would like? I know for me part of the desire for contact is a rather hopeless wish for validation. I wish he would own his mistakes. Not going to happen. How about you?

[sweet tooth]

Returning to the original question, I think it is helpful to turn it back on ourselves, and ask ourselves: Why do we want to make contact? What are we hoping for?

These relationships can involve dysfunction on both sides. I know I often made contact from places of feeling hurt and angry. Part of me wanted my ex to know how I felt, another part of me wanted to recycle, another part wanted to hurt him back... .I had all sorts of emotions and I wasn't really connecting with myself and being honest about what they were.

Feelings are never bad. It is totally normal and okay to be furious with our exes. To be deeply wounded and hurt. To still care about them. To feel all the above and then some more.

What matters is the actions we take, and part of our journey is really getting into self-inquiry and processing what happened. We learn about ourselves and the journey we've been on. For me this has meant learning some hard things about why I kept reengaging in the relationship, and also, frankly, the stuff I did to perpetuate it. Like making contact with someone who clearly was not in the space for a healthy relationship!

Sweet tooth, do you have know why you are having this urge? Can you reflect on where it is coming from, and what you really would like? I know for me part of the desire for contact is a rather hopeless wish for validation. I wish he would own his mistakes. Not going to happen. How about you?

-Communicate my feelings

-Re-establish the good times

-Validation

-I genuinely miss her company

-Loneliness. We talked just about every day one way or another. I miss that.

-I miss her good qualities

I'm actually not angry, even though I have every right to be. I don't know why I'm not, but I'm not. I'm both loyal and patient to a fault.

[Mutt]

I feel the same way about the healing journey and how we can learn about ourselves and how we interact with people. We get realistic feedback about ourselves with what we put out the in the world with relationships. Empathy plays a part with relationships by putting yourself in someone else's shoes.

Somebody else mentioned radio silence when their ex confronted them about their affair

Someone else mentioned they got radio silence after they confronted their ex partner about their affair. Some experts say that BPD is a shamed based disorder. Guilt is feeling like you have something wrong. Shame is feeling like there us something wrong with you. My ex cheated and she had to walk around with a lot of shame and I have become a source shame for her and she' s avoidant.

It helps to learn about BPD so that we can de-personalize the behaviors and become indifferent to them . We can't generalize how someone will react if we're split black but there's a reason why. A pwBPD split the people that they care abou most. Learning about splitting helps us weather the storm when we are split black.

[HurtinNW]

Returning to the original question, I think it is helpful to turn it back on ourselves, and ask ourselves: Why do we want to make contact? What are we hoping for?

These relationships can involve dysfunction on both sides. I know I often made contact from places of feeling hurt and angry. Part of me wanted my ex to know how I felt, another part of me wanted to recycle, another part wanted to hurt him back... .I had all sorts of emotions and I wasn't really connecting with myself and being honest about what they were.

Feelings are never bad. It is totally normal and okay to be furious with our exes. To be deeply wounded and hurt. To still care about them. To feel all the above and then some more.

What matters is the actions we take, and part of our journey is really getting into self-inquiry and processing what happened. We learn about ourselves and the journey we've been on. For me this has meant learning some hard things about why I kept reengaging in the relationship, and also, frankly, the stuff I did to perpetuate it. Like making contact with someone who clearly was not in the space for a healthy relationship!

Sweet tooth, do you have know why you are having this urge? Can you reflect on where it is coming from, and what you really would like? I know for me part of the desire for contact is a rather hopeless wish for validation. I wish he would own his mistakes. Not going to happen. How about you?

-Communicate my feelings

-Re-establish the good times

-Validation

-I genuinely miss her company

-Loneliness. We talked just about every day one way or another. I miss that.

-I miss her good qualities

I'm actually not angry, even though I have every right to be. I don't know why I'm not, but I'm not. I'm both loyal and patient to a fault.

Those are all perfectly valid motives. I have a lot of those feelings too. I miss his good qualities. I also miss the dream of our future.

If you did contact her, do you think you would get anything on the list above?

[sweet tooth]

Returning to the original question, I think it is helpful to turn it back on ourselves, and ask ourselves: Why do we want to make contact? What are we hoping for?

These relationships can involve dysfunction on both sides. I know I often made contact from places of feeling hurt and angry. Part of me wanted my ex to know how I felt, another part of me wanted to recycle, another part wanted to hurt him back... .I had all sorts of emotions and I wasn't really connecting with myself and being honest about what they were.

Feelings are never bad. It is totally normal and okay to be furious with our exes. To be deeply wounded and hurt. To still care about them. To feel all the above and then some more.

What matters is the actions we take, and part of our journey is really getting into self-inquiry and processing what happened. We learn about ourselves and the journey we've been on. For me this has meant learning some hard things about why I kept reengaging in the relationship, and also, frankly, the stuff I did to perpetuate it. Like making contact with someone who clearly was not in the space for a healthy relationship!

Sweet tooth, do you have know why you are having this urge? Can you reflect on where it is coming from, and what you really would like? I know for me part of the desire for contact is a rather hopeless wish for validation. I wish he would own his mistakes. Not going to happen. How about you?

-Communicate my feelings

-Re-establish the good times

-Validation

-I genuinely miss her company

-Loneliness. We talked just about every day one way or another. I miss that.

-I miss her good qualities

I'm actually not angry, even though I have every right to be. I don't know why I'm not, but I'm not. I'm both loyal and patient to a fault.

Those are all perfectly valid motives. I have a lot of those feelings too. I miss his good qualities. I also miss the dream of our future.

If you did contact her, do you think you would get anything on the list above?

The ball is in her court, so probably not:

-Communicate my feelings Yes. I can contact her and communicate my feelings regardless of her reaction.

-Re-establish the good times Maybe some time in the future. But she told me not to contact her again. I can't break that boundary. Also, I'm painted black.

-Validation Probably not.

-I genuinely miss her company Again, she told me not to contact her. I doubt she would all of a sudden let me talk to her or see her.

-Loneliness. We talked just about every day one way or another. I miss that. I don't know. See above.

-I miss her good qualities

I don't know.

[HurtinNW]

I'm sorry. It can really hurt when the person we love shuts us out. 

It sounds like any contact at this point would be more about you expressing your feelings, perhaps at the cost of angering her.

My therapist tells me the only person who can change my ex is himself. Sometimes I muse, hopefully, that if he is alone long enough without me chasing him he will face his issues. But I really doubt it. And then there is the trust issue. Would you ever really feel trusting in a relationship with someone who is capable of just walking away like that? I don't think I could radically accept that.

[iluminati]

Sometimes you just have to take an L.  The reason why we're all here is that out significant others have (or at least are suspected of having) a mental illness.  Trying to fix that is a fools errand.  This isn't to say that you shouldn't communicate with them.  Exigencies may require such actions.  What I should say is communicate the bare minimum with them.  They aren't able to engage their feelings.  Heck, they're too wrapped up in their own trauma to realize that you were even there.  It's just time to move on.