New member really struggling

[Xstang77]

Hey guys I'm new here and really having a difficult time coping with my current situation involving my recent BPD ex, we've been in a recycling relationship for the past 2 years having recycled 5 times now,if anyone is interested in listening I'll elaborate more,could really use some people to talk actively to that have experience with what I'm going through.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JQ]

Hi Xstang,

Sorry that you're going through such a tough time with your exBPD but glad you found us. Can you explain a little bit more of what is going on?  We're really anonymous here so feel free to tell us what you want. I would recommend the references at the top and to the right of the page too to learn more about BPD, how it is a Cluster B Mental Illness and the things to expect when dealing with someone who is BPD.  There are references there as well to help you sort through some things. I would also recommend a good therapist that is REALLY good at BPD/Codependent to help you sort through your thoughts, feelings, emotions.

Welcome to the group ... .feel free to ask any questions you need to or want too. The group is here to assist you in your journey of self discovery.

J

[Xstang77]

Thanks for the reply, my current ex is BPD as I know through my sister who is an actual physiatrist we have been on and off over 2 years, were even once engaged that she broke off after begging not to leave her a couple days before, this is our 5th break up each time getting shorter this past time was only 2 months,I could start to see the signs to where she was becoming excessively disrespectful to me and raging over very small things, I was much more polite and understanding this time to her episodes but this past time we got home one night last week and I put some London broil on the crock pot and asked her to watch the cat while I went to the bathroom,I came out to the cat on it and yelled at her a little and I remembered her kind of saying in the midst grr don't keep going,I then went to the bedroom to cool off from it,she then poked her head and with and said really all snotty,she then drove off and texted me saying she can't do it again and that she's not happy,she came back to get her stuff completely cold towards me and for some reason this time I broke down crying to her trying to hug her to

Stop her from leaving as this has stopped one of her episodes before,with other current events in my life I was devastated and I told her I don't want to

Live without her, as a romantic last ditch effort to try to make her snap out of it,she then said she loved me more then anything and I said don't leave me with a lie and she even mentioned she might be lesbian,she then was dramatic and yelled "now your gonna threaten to kill yourself and put that on me" I said I didn't say that but she left and went downstairs as I

Live in a apartment house and she told my neighbors I was threatening to kill

Myself with a gun etc, she has the neighbors on her side and she called the police who came and we're ready to take me to a hospital for saying I didn't wanna live without her when I was just trying to be romantic to keep my girl,she then told them I was barricading her in and eventually told the truth that I was hugging her and she didn't press charges,she also had the neighbors talking negatively to the police about me, tje police told me and her both to not contact each other,the next day she calls twice and texts asking if I wanted our dog then says nvm,mind you she gets rid of all of

The animals we have easily without regard,I say nothing back then this past Saturday she texts me saying I'm sorry things turned out so bad the other night I hope your doing ok. I have still kept no contact but I feel extremely uncomfortable as she's living In the same house as

Me in the apartment below

Me with the people she's turned against me,I feel very uncomfortable and I avoid going home at all

Costs and stay out sitting In my car for hours after work to avoid it and when I do go home I try to be quiet for her not to hear me,it's driving me nuts and I'm not sure if she's going to try to snap back normal towards me again or not after all

This,we've had other bad episodes when split like this but nothing like this before,any opinions and insight is grateful appreciated,thanks.

[JQ]

Xstang,

I'm sorry to hear of the turmoil that you're going through with your BPD. You explain things ... .so many things happening to you that has not only happen to me but to so many others in here in the group. It's good to hear that your sister is a physiatrist and that she's educating you on BPD.  I would ask her for a referral to someone who is a specialist and very experienced in BPD / Codependent r/s to help you sort through your emotions, thoughts, & feelings in regards to your BPD r/s. Most if not all in the group would tell you that a really good therapist with this type of experience is one of the key's to your recovery.  I would recommend reading "I hate you, don't leave me", "Stop walking on Eggshells" and "The Human Magnet Syndrome" to increase your overall knowledge of BPD, Codependency and the r/s challenges they have. Perhaps your sister has copies you can borrow but if not you can get them from the local library. They will help explain terms like gas lighting, painted black, painted white, projection, raging, extreme feelings & fear of abandonment and engulfment, splitting, devaluation, idealization, victimization. They will explain about reckless behavior like driving, reckless spending of money,  alcohol abuse, chaotic multiple r/s and many more, but perhaps your sister has touched on these too.  

Since you're sister is a physiatrist I'm sure she's told you that BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B Mental Illness and ALL the complications that come with it. You have mentioned more then a couple of them including the recycling and the increasing frequency. This seems to be common in BPD/Codependent r/s along with many other things.  I know what you're going through is the toughest thing you've ever had too, but things will get better. You have a uphill journey in front of you ... .but things will get better.  You're probably a perfectionist, you are the Knight in Amor protecting those who can't protect themselves, the Sheriff in the white hat & shining badge riding in to save the day ... .chances are you might be a codependent or a "care giver" and your sister can or probably has expanded on this. It's ok, most if not all in the group are codependents or a "recovering codependent"   

i can tell you have a lot of anxiety and stress right now and probably NOT taking very good care of yourself. Sitting in your car for hours to avoid confrontation, among other things. SO you need to get back to taking care of yourself. Get out for a walk in the morning and appreciate the sun coming up, the birds singing. It'll only take about 15 minutes to get a mile in on a bad day and it helps reduce the stress and anxiety that you are currently experiencing.  Go to the gym and push some weight, some P90X or some yoga.  Call up an old friend who you haven't talked to in awhile and catch up on life. Not so much the BPD r/s but life in general. This will do some good things for you.  Make sure you're eating right because nothing good comes from junk food including your poo!      Laugh at that last part it was meant with humor but some truth to it. Which brings me up to the next point, LAUGH!  GET YOUR HUMOR BACK!   Call up a old friend or a few of them and go to a funny movie or a comedy club. It really does help reduce the stress you're going through.  Next make sure you're getting the sleep your body requires. REM sleep is so important to repair your mind, body & soul after the day's stresses and prepares it for the next day challenges.

You can't control your BPD's behavior or her actions Xstang much less anyone else's. But you can control how you behave and you can control your life! Chances are you're a codependent like most here in the group. YOU need to start living life for YOURSELF and YOUR happiness. Find value in what you do, how you live your life instead of trying to find value in helping someone else who has a mental illness.  It's a noble thing to try to help a fellow human being but be sure you apply the 51% rule. Give of yourself to someone else or a handful of others like your sister, mother, father, friends or a significant other, but keep 51% for yourself. If you continue to give more then that of yourself then you eventually will run out of energy and emotions for not only everyone else but for yourself and nothing good can come from this. The more you give past 51% the harder it will be for you to recover ... .if you do at all.  Please learn to take care of yourself first ... .if you don't put yourself first ... .who will?  YOU have to LOVE YOURSELF first!      Once you do that the rest will come easily.

Take a deep breath and let it out slowly ... .smile ... .and know that things are going to get better ... .they always get better Stang,

J

[Xstang77]

Thank yin for the reply,I've been throughly studying BPD over the last year and have read some books,to make matters worse I checked her fb today and there's a picture of her kissing another guy when a week ago today she told me she loved me more then anything and was kissing me,I do believe I have codependency issues. I'm alternating between anger and depression after I found that out this morning,it seems as though she has made it to the point to where there's no fixing it on purpose,I can't help but wonder if she'll ever try to return again I just really don't feel comfortable in my house.

[JQ]

Stang,

It's good to hear that you're trying to learn about BPD, it is a never ending task without question.  Please ask your sister to recommend someone for you to help you sort through your emotions and thoughts as I said, this will be ONLY one key on your journey.

In your reading about BPD I'm sure you've read that it is common for those who have BPD mental illness to have very unstable & chaotic series of r/s. Don't take it personal that your replacement is now on her FB page. Speaking of that, you should really refrain from looking at FB, & other social media in order to avoid those feelings and emotions that you're currently having. Between your sister & your reading you should already have the answer to the question you posed, "I can't help but wonder if she'll ever try to return again".  In a majority of the BPD cases that you'll read about on this site, you'll see this is a common question. It's called "recycle" and yes it will most likely happen to you as its happen to a lot of us. It increases in frequency and the time grows shorter and shorter till you're painted black again. YOU have to learn about yourself in order to manage this and other things that will be coming on your journey.

What you feel is normal, switching back and forth from depression to anger.  Again, don't take it personal , she's mentally ill and her behavior is beyond YOUR control. She most likely was developing the next codependent before things went bad with you. This is called "Monkey Bars",  before you let go of the last one you need to grab hold of the next one like that on monkey bars.  It doesn't make it hurt or sting any less though does it?

So this is where YOU take care of YOU!  YOU need to make yourself mentally, emotionally and physically stronger for your journey. Seriously get to the gym and push some weight, get out for a run or a bike ride or at the very least a walk to reduce your stress and get some good endorphins moving around in your body.  Make a schedule & stick to it with your work outs. Make sure you're eating right. Go to a buddies place and hangout, go for a REALLY good burger & a beer, "not a fast food burger". GO for a salad and a glass of water or some Italian and wine but get out. Go to a local baseball game, take a weekend trip out of town with a buddy. Go see a funny movie or a comedy club with your buddies. 

But in your posts so far, you've not said what you would like to accomplish in the end?  You're first goal SHOULD be to take care of yourself, get to a better place. By your own admission you're most likely a codependent, like most of us here.  Realizing this is 1/2 the battle to a better more fulfilling life for yourself. Once you recognized that, you can now work on yourself to live your life for yourself.  You have to do a deep dive on yourself to learn why you are a codependent and maybe your sister can help with that. You might not like what you find, but how can you move forward without knowing where you came from?  Trust me, I did the deep dive and I'm SOO much better off for having done it. It was one key to my moving forward and learning the real dynamics of a BPD/codependent r/s.

Take a deep breath ... .let it out slowly ... .now do it again.  You're on a bumpy journey, but the group is here to support and assist you Stang.

J

[Xstang77]

Thank you for

The reply,I wonder about her return as it's never been like this before it's as if her calling the cops made it beyond repair, she's. Never fully gone into a relationship publicly other times we split,I had her blocked but this morning when I woke up lonely and depressed I looked on fb,I would do more but I literally feel uncomfortable at my house at all or that she's watching me as I go to my car,thinking back the thing I miss most about us is the friendship,I know in the past she's returned when it didn't seem possible but this time is certainly different,anything I try to do wether it be going somewhere has me thinking about her,again thank your for the response it's one of the cores of things that's helping ground and confirm my getting better right now.

[JQ]

Stang,

You are certainly welcome    She's obviously escalated her BPD behavior to new levels, this does happen as many will testify too. According to your posts, this whole new level is fairly new.  It's early in the process of painting you black and getting back to painting you white can take days, weeks, months, years or maybe you'll never be painted white again. You have to be prepared for that.  

You have to make a REAL effort when you wake up in those moods that you go for a walk, ride a bike, go to the gym ... .do ANYTHING but look at FB or other social media. In fact, overtime you want to look at FB, drop and do pushups until you're exhausted. If  you still feel the need to check FB, do more push ups, or snap a rubber band on your wrist until you no longer want to check social media.  

YOU have to be prepared when & if she recycles you? When she reaches out ... .and chances she will what do you want? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who has a VERY Serious Cluster B Mental Illness? Or do you want to remove yourself from the r/s and the drama / chaos / the day to day up and downs? This is only a question you can answer Stang?  It certainly is a process to try to figure out what direction you want to go, but you have to sort through your emotions, feelings, thoughts and at the same time you have to learn about ALL the details of BPD.

You have to learn & know, REALLY know that BPD is a VERY SERIOUS CLUSTER  B MENTAL ILLNESS that will never be cured with the limitations of current limitations of modern medicine & pharma. YOU need to NOT be afraid to go from you house to your car or vise versa?  YOU have to live YOUR life!  Seriously, find a really good therapist to help you sort through your emotions, thoughts & feelings to help you sort through all of it. Help you learn what you want & the direction you want to go, or do you have a thought or two of where you want to go? What you want to do? What you want or more importantly what you DON"T want from all of this?

Keep talking to us, it's somewhat therapeutic to get it out and bounce ideas and thoughts off the group  

j

[Xstang77]

Jq I have kept no contact since this all happened she tried calling me twice the next day about our dog asking if I wanted it and then found a home for her and said thanks anyway though... .In a text message then last Saturday she texted me I'm sorry things turned out so bad the other night I hope your doing ok. This was all after the cop told us both no contact which I have stuck to,last night I get home and she put one of my sweatshirts that she had on the stairs for me,then today she messages me saying hey can you put the rest of my stuff and printer etc, outside the door when you get a chance please? So my question is should I just do it and not reply or should I say sure and wish her good luck,I know there's all this no contact talk but I also wonder if it's sometimes better to just not be bitter and give her that benefit,maybe in a way that will open a door for her to want me in her life again,I do miss the friendship however it's very difficult after everything,I wonder if it would just ease things if I wasn't bitter in my heart and completely no contact?

[Xstang77]

Also I learned that she quit her job last Saturday as well, (she's been through atleast 8 In the 2 years we've been together none lasting more then a few months) she's an intelligent girl however a low functioning BPD. I assume since she's asking for her stuff that she's going to

Move with the new guy that I'm guessing won't last long if she's moving so fast with him,I feel I should mention as well

That I've been in almost another world today my

Mind worn down thinking about it all week and ubberly depressed, just getting that message from her though and then seeing a good looking girl at the gas station made me feel on again for almost an hour or so,maybe my ego

Is just so low.

[JQ]

Stang,

IMHO, she has made an attempt, a civil one at that of returning your property and has asked for you to do the same. I would honor her request and put the items that are her's next to the door as requested. I would text her to let her know that the items are there so she can pick them up as soon as she can so that they don't "disappear".  As you say, don't be bitter and it appears that you can do this, but do it for the right reasons and not at an attempt to manipulate her into coming back.

It is better for people to come back on their own, if she does at all.  If it's not to be then it's not to be and use this moment as closure. SOO many people in these forums do NOT get the closure to help them move forward. pwBPD seem to never want closer because it means saying good bye forever and from your studies, from what your sister might have told you that those with BPD have an extreme fear of abandonment and saying good bye would just inflame that fear.

Take a deep breath and let it out slowly ... .if for some reason you actually come face to face with her, do not try to force the situation into something she might not want. It will escalate into something that you've already experienced and I'm sure you don't want to speak to the police again. IF you do come face to face with her, she might try to guilt you into an argument, she might try to say it's your fault, etc etc etc. DO NOT take the bait, let it go. You can tell her things you actually feel in your heart but know that she might not want to hear them and be prepared to walk away at the end of the exchange thankful for the closure that many will never have.

J

[JQ]

Stang,

Without a doubt your ego has taken a hit but as you said, the girl at the gas station perked you back up. SO it's Friday, go out with a friend and just be ... .just enjoy the evening ... .no expectations, no plans to go home with anyone. Just enjoy the moment with your friend, and realize you are on a good path to healing your mind, body and soul.

Listen to some of your favorite music ... .this usually gets me going too. Maybe some get some frustration out too ... .some Nickelback "Burn it to the Ground" gets things going. A very dear friend of mine sent to me when SHE was going through her divorce.  But use whatever works for you to get you in a better frame of mind. But be sure you get out of the house this weekend ... .start tonight

J

[Xstang77]

Thanks, that was my biggest concern was wether I should

Just do

It and not text her or do it and text her that it's

There and good luck,I would like to do stuff and maybe tommorow night but all I think about is her and I don't wanna get depressed not

Meeting someone,although I wonder what the point is of being upset over her as she's obviously not and on to the next one, but I would deffinetly not try to converse with her face to face if she's to

Come back it would be on her I've run out of fight for

Something that's just not real. In a way I'm coming to

More understanding as seeing her as mentally ill and as someone like who has MR,I just wonder if I should say your stuffs there good luck to resolve bitterness or if that'll kill my whole week of no contact,it's not an area of theft so I couldn't use those reasons to justify.

[Xstang77]

Also I've been avoiding my house at all costs staying In my car till dark etc.however I did get brave enough to go on the porch of

The house last night that they usually use to get my mail ,as far as confrontation or

Meeting her at this point I wouldn't be comfortable meeting her without a mutual witness,she must have got a real power trip from the police giving her a chance to press charges against me although she declined,while all I did was try to hug her to snap her out of her episode of further ruining her life. I'm not trying to help

Her illness anymore it almost cost me my freedom.

[RighteousAnger]

Thanks, that was my biggest concern was wether I should

Just do

It and not text her or do it and text her that it's

There and good luck,I would like to do stuff and maybe tommorow night but all I think about is her and I don't wanna get depressed not

Meeting someone,although I wonder what the point is of being upset over her as she's obviously not and on to the next one, but I would deffinetly not try to converse with her face to face if she's to

Come back it would be on her I've run out of fight for

Something that's just not real. In a way I'm coming to

More understanding as seeing her as mentally ill and as someone like who has MR,I just wonder if I should say your stuffs there good luck to resolve bitterness or if that'll kill my whole week of no contact,it's not an area of theft so I couldn't use those reasons to justify.

I wouldn't say anything, but that is me. In fact I'm only at 3 weeks NC myself, but 5 days ago I returned stuff of hers to her doorstep when I knew she wouldn't be there and I know it's not a high theft area so no need for contact. Of course you're living situation is a bit different than mine and my ex who lives a few miles away from me... .not in the apartment below me.

I get the waves of depression and longing for my ex too, but I realize that is my fear of being alone... .loneliness and the emptiness without her chaos constantly giving me a crisis to have to deal with. But these waves come and go and they seem to be spacing further apart which is good. Luckily I don't have to see her with another guy (She blocked me on FB when I told her I was going to block her... .can't block someone who has blocked you), which I'm pretty sure she is with another guy due to her not trying to contact me like she has in the past (but I need to not think about that).

Focus on yourself. It's good to know as much as you can on BPD, but it's really good to know what makes YOU tick and react how  you do. What are your triggers and how do you react? How can you change that and your reactions? My ex would always get me with the threat of another man (I'm not talking figuratively, she'd call me up late night and say some guy wants to hook up with her "Should I do it? He's really cute. You don't care, you don't want me anyway, right?" and I'd hear the guy in the background trying to persuade her to get off the phone... .I'd be paralyzed on the other end of the phone or "Frozen" as my therapist calls it... .the less mentioned of the flight or fight, its sad cousin frozen) which I  have realized was a big trigger for me to come running back at full speed to her. This is why I have completely blocked my ex's numbers and won't answer an unknown number or listen to a voice mail from an unknown number... .it more than likely will be something I can't handle, not yet anyway, not until I am stronger. For your sake, if you can move somewhere else, do it. It'll make things a lot easier. Until next post, take care.

[Xstang77]

Thanks for your reply righteous anger, contacting her vs just leaving the stuff there I guess would be a hope of getting me back on her mind but i think it's past the point of no return between the cops and a new guy. My biggest issue like you is being alone,my last break up with my

Other ex I was alone for a year and a half which just turning 21 at the time I did things I always wanted to do like getting a motorcycle etc,but I also do remember it as an extremely lonely depressing time for me, I'm almost thinking she may be moving since she wants things such as her printer etc. if it's with the new guy then that's almost a sure sign imo that's it's on a fast crash course being moving in together and dating in less then a week. It'll be better with her gone to an extent although there will still be the asss downstairs, I guess I'm still withdrawing from her and don't wanna be alone but if she already has a new man I doubt the feelings mutual.

[Xstang77]

I have updates... interesting weekend I suppose.

[RighteousAnger]

I have updates... interesting weekend I suppose.

I'm interested in hearing these updates. No updates on my end. Still NC... .which is strangely driving me up a wall wondering where (likely in the form of another guys D) she got her sudden strength to abide to my NC unlike every time before?

[Xstang77]

Ok here's the update... She went out to the bar that night with her Friends, as I sit at my house house lonely and bored,I'm getting ready for bed then around 3am I get a drunk seeming text saying "I miss you so much" I ignore it then she starts calling... I eventually answer to make sure she wasn't in an accident or anything like that,we talk and she wants to meet I finally agree to only in a public place, we meet up and talk and she tells me that she was kicked out of the apartment downstairs supposedly due to her having an attitude,she then Informs me that she's become a stripper and has been doing nothing but drugs and staying drunk to deal with missing me,we then sit by the water and talk till the sun comes up and she cries and I found out pretty much all

Her past relationships only lasted 2 years at most as well and that I was the love of her life etc. we agree she can come back to my house to atleast sleep so she's not outside,I get in my car she gets in hers then when I arrive there she gives me the usual push/pull that she's near the water again and shouldn't have contacted me blah blah,she eventually comes and we talk and I ask her about the new guy she's with and she says it's not really a relationship just a rebound etc. we then eventually sleep together (both ways) sexually and non, then she leaves to take a shower at her friends and were supposed to hang out later,I go to sleep and wake up to a message saying hey I'm not gonna be able to hang out I'm at so and so,then an hour later I get a message saying do you wanna go to another place, I ask when,she then says I can't That she has to go

Back to her stepdads and that she quit stripping,I say ok feel better. The she messages me asking if we can be friends,talk and sometimes hang out and see where it goes without forcing it,I say sure so we continue to talk friendly and she says she's ending the rebound with the other guy and is just gonna work on herself,she then messages me the next day and talks casual and we reminisce on our relationship and shows me how she's now living in a tent and the conversation is pretty much casual no goodnights just talk till it gets boring very friend zoning like,we last talked the other day and I haven't heard anything since her fb still says she's in a r/s with the guy and has the pics of them even though she technically cheated on him already with me.

[Xstang77]

I have updates... interesting weekend I suppose.

I'm interested in hearing these updates. No updates on my end. Still NC... .which is strangely driving me up a wall wondering where (likely in the form of another guys D) she got her sudden strength to abide to my NC unlike every time before?

yea mine said they've only kissed and that he's not me (the rebound) and they haven't had sex which I believe,at the same time in my situation im almost in more of a state of confusion to where it's almost feels I'm just being strung along now that she's 30 miles away doing god knows what, better then in the Same house as me I guess... .

[RighteousAnger]

Ok here's the update... She went out to the bar that night with her Friends, as I sit at my house house lonely and bored,I'm getting ready for bed then around 3am I get a drunk seeming text saying "I miss you so much" I ignore it then she starts calling... I eventually answer to make sure she wasn't in an accident or anything like that,we talk and she wants to meet I finally agree to only in a public place, we meet up and talk and she tells me that she was kicked out of the apartment downstairs supposedly due to her having an attitude,she then Informs me that she's become a stripper and has been doing nothing but drugs and staying drunk to deal with missing me,we then sit by the water and talk till the sun comes up and she cries and I found out pretty much all

Her past relationships only lasted 2 years at most as well and that I was the love of her life etc. we agree she can come back to my house to atleast sleep so she's not outside,I get in my car she gets in hers then when I arrive there she gives me the usual push/pull that she's near the water again and shouldn't have contacted me blah blah,she eventually comes and we talk and I ask her about the new guy she's with and she says it's not really a relationship just a rebound etc. we then eventually sleep together (both ways) sexually and non, then she leaves to take a shower at her friends and were supposed to hang out later,I go to sleep and wake up to a message saying hey I'm not gonna be able to hang out I'm at so and so,then an hour later I get a message saying do you wanna go to another place, I ask when,she then says I can't That she has to go

Back to her stepdads and that she quit stripping,I say ok feel better. The she messages me asking if we can be friends,talk and sometimes hang out and see where it goes without forcing it,I say sure so we continue to talk friendly and she says she's ending the rebound with the other guy and is just gonna work on herself,she then messages me the next day and talks casual and we reminisce on our relationship and shows me how she's now living in a tent and the conversation is pretty much casual no goodnights just talk till it gets boring very friend zoning like,we last talked the other day and I haven't heard anything since her fb still says she's in a r/s with the guy and has the pics of them even though she technically cheated on him already with me.

Sounds like Recycling again. I am very familiar with those 3 a.m. texts, ignoring them, and then the 3:10 a.m. phone call and me saying "I'm not going to answer it. I'm not going to do it"... .and then by the 3rd phone call I find myself answering the phone rather than just turning it to silent or off. Always to be greeted by my drunk and horny ex on the other end. You familiar with the song "Self Esteem" by the Offspring? Because it fits.

I know how the justification for answering that call goes quite well. The truth is we are not responsible for their behavior nor if they get into trouble... .someone else can be their fall to person. Of course unless you want to be that person? And there comes justification again... .maybe I can help her, help her see her ways, help her get better, help her be the person she was when we met, the person that painted me white.

It sounds like her behavior/cycle went nearly as you predicted. I can't ding you for answering that call and being sucked in because you are human and I have done the same many times before. I guess you have to ask yourself... .how does all this make you feel? Are you willing to "take it slow?" Do you think that is even possible knowing your past and her... .you said she hasn't been diagnosed with BPD officially nor is seeking any type of treatment? It sounds like she has done a lot that has left you hurt. Do you think she'll change her behavior without professional help?

These are questions I asked many times over during the numerous recycling between me and my ex. The answer was always right there in front of me, I knew it, I just chose to ignore it because I love her. I saw the end for a long time, I just never could seem to get there. And if I'm completely honest, I'm not 100% sure I am there.

[Xstang77]

My mind already knows and I believe my heart is slowly accepting that this is how it's always gonna be and I'm co dependent so I need something stable especially when it comes to a relationship, what do you think of my past weekend righteous anger? I do have vacation coming up and she mentioned she would keep me company during it,I guess it'll be cool to not be lonely and bored during the summer if she even makes the effort to hang out, friends and some booty while I look for something better is my hopes,she reminded me the other night that she told me that she's damaged when we first met,I felt like saying my dear you are beyond damaged,your mentally ill and slightly psychotic. I would like to hang with her this summer but I can't tell if it will actually happen,as I've said this is a whole new level when it comes to us breaking up,she says I'm the love of her life and I reminded her the other night about BPD and that it's only gonna repeat unless she does something about it,I also reminded her that I've told her this before with our last 2 break ups.

[RighteousAnger]

My mind already knows and I believe my heart is slowly accepting that this is how it's always gonna be and I'm co dependent so I need something stable especially when it comes to a relationship, what do you think of my past weekend righteous anger? I do have vacation coming up and she mentioned she would keep me company during it,I guess it'll be cool to not be lonely and bored during the summer if she even makes the effort to hang out, friends and some booty while I look for something better is my hopes,she reminded me the other night that she told me that she's damaged when we first met,I felt like saying my dear you are beyond damaged,your mentally ill and slightly psychotic. I would like to hang with her this summer but I can't tell if it will actually happen,as I've said this is a whole new level when it comes to us breaking up,she says I'm the love of her life and I reminded her the other night about BPD and that it's only gonna repeat unless she does something about it,I also reminded her that I've told her this before with our last 2 break ups.

Well I'd say most people on here are probably co dependent. I think your past weekend sounds on par for recycling. Honestly, without her seeking help she will not get better IMO... .heck even with  help most pwBPD struggle to change their behavior from what I have read. Her saying "I'm damaged", though admitting something is wrong with her, is also a way of saying she cannot be fixed or doesn't want to get fixed... .it's sort of an "out" for any atrocious behavior she may and likely will dish your way.

I understand not wanting to be lonely and wanting to hang with the woman you love and have some sweet sex. Hell, who would say No to that? But that isn't looking at all the other factors that come along with it. What are the odds she flakes on you last minute? How will that make you feel? I've had great plans with my ex just to have her have an "episode" before hand and suddenly I'm paying for an unused hotel room on the coast.

My ex and I talked of marriage and kids... .the whole nine yards. She loved me so much according to her... .and I believe she did in her own way... .but that didn't help change or lessen her episodes, actually might have made them worse with me.

I guess it's good she hasn't turned the BPD thing against you like mine did. When I told her she very likely suffered from BPD and needed help and I'b be by her side for it she immediately got irritated and told me I was the one with BPD (pretty common response from what I have read). My ex admitted to other issues such as having bad anxiety, OCD, perfectionism, ADD, and reluctantly even admitting to depression sometimes, but she could not or would not swallow the stigmatism of a "personality disorder".

A lot of this comes down to you, what you're willing to put up with. In my experience, once recycling starts it never stops and only gets worse. Leaving three options as I see it... .1) You just live with the constant state of uncertainty a recycling relationship leaves you in (leading to more fear, obligation, and guilt... .depression), 2) You leave (that will more than likely mean no contact), 3) She gets professional help.

I feel your pain. Not an easy place to be in when you love someone, are co dependent, and don't want to lose them, but also realize that is probably the overall healthiest thing you can do for yourself in the long run... .losing them.

[Xstang77]

Yea,she did apologize for everything in general and I'm more Then certain counting on her flaking on our plans,in a way it was almost nice to clear the air,idk guess I'll just roll with it I'm still keeping it to let her contact me I'm not making the effort,just wish I could silence and stop my thoughts of her it's literally giving me headaches and won't stop all day long,also does this weekend really count as recycling? I was under the impression it means to actually get back together, I guess for now I'll just try to let her contact me and go with the flow. Thanks for the reply btw it's really nice to have someone to actively talk to about it.

[RighteousAnger]

No problem. Helps  having people to talk to. Yeah, I understand the headache from thinking about my ex all day... .Why do you think I spend so much damn time on here? Lol. I need the distraction and to hear others are or have dealt with similar stuff and it's even better when you hear they have made it to the other side.

Just be careful. It's easy to say "it's on them", but at the same time being very hopeful that they will change and or behave in a more normal fashion... .hopeful it will be different this time when all evidence suggests it won't be. And then when she pops that hope balloon you didn't even realize you were filling up... .you might feel a bit deflated. Also, is counting on her to flake something you should be counting on? I mean that as in... .why do you want to put yourself in a situation where your plans revolve around someone you plan on flaking on you, which in the end leaves you with no plans and being disgruntled about her flaking? Hope... .hope that she won't flake is what keeps you there. Anyway, this is just my 2 cents... .and really I haven't even been tested since my resolve became "strong".

[Xstang77]

Yea I hear ya man, I stay active on here but it's sometimes difficult to get active responses, as for the flaking it's just something I'm used to from us being in this stage in the past,I will say she was friendly and sincere the last time we talked, in the past it's kinda been wierd like This before then she comes back for a decent length of time,it's really hard to gauge at this point but man I always seem to get a feeling when she's coming back, it's hard to explain almost like a storm coming in but I guess what else can ya do it's really sad there's not more help for people with BPD but the at the same time if it wasn't for her BPD failing her last relationships we wouldn't have ever met which sometimes I think is a blessing and a curse,more so a curse haha.