Mother with BPD and Possible Cancer

[Starbuck09]

Hello - 

This is my first post, although I've been reading here for awhile. I have a mother with BPD and I've felt compelled to write only because of a recent development.

Quick background: She's long been diagnosed as having depression (and she self medicates for that), but because she refuses to see a therapist has not been diagnosed with, or treated for, BPD even though she has many symptoms. These include: unpredictable raging throughout my childhood, pitting family members against one another out of fear of abandonment, isolating my sister and I from other family members so we would like her best, impulsivity (running up huge credit card debt without having money to cover costs; being married/divorced 4 times after knowing men for only brief periods), thoughts/threats of suicide, seeing people as either all-good or all-bad, and instant mood changes (being angry, hostile one second and being happy/manic the next).

To put it briefly, I've often felt that emotionally I am the actual parent in the relationship and that to make the relationship work I choose to "be the bigger person" by overlooking her manipulations and hostility.  I actually cut ties with her about 10 years ago because it the relationship felt so toxic, and then slowly let her back in my life - mostly because I missed having a mom and was scared she would die without us resolving things.

Well, for the past week she has been in the hospital with a health scare.  Because I live several states away, it has been difficult to get accurate information about what is going on. I know she does actually have physical health issues, but in talking with her doctor, I've learned that they may not be as dire as she has been leading us to believe.

She had initially told us that she has cancer and wanted to go to hospice "so she wouldn't bother anyone" with having to undergo treatment.  I think this was her way of making us all beg for her to undergo treatment to prove that we love her. She's also long been trying to get money out of my sister and I, and I believe she wants to try to move in with me (and stay indefinitely) when she undergoes treatment in the city where I live.

Now, we've learned that while she has some masses in her body, one is benign and the other needs a biopsy before it can even be determined to be cancer. 

My sister and I have been spending this whole week talking to doctors and trying to make arrangements to get her transferred to a better hospital (she lives in a rural area and her doctor thinks she should be transferred elsewhere) - but she is making the entire task extremely difficult by telling each of us different and sometimes conflicting information.  She also acts incapable of making decisions on her own (she is only 59) or helping us figure any of this out. It's as though she would take no action on her own and instead, without our intervention, would just choose to die at home. 

She also knows how to push each of our buttons to try to get the most sympathy and resources from us.  For instance, she told me that her husband won't drive her to a different hospital and that he's being mean to her.  But, when I talked to him, he said he would drive her but that she didn't want him to. (I should mention that another pattern of hers is to falsely claim that men she's with "abuse" her. I don't question her account lightly as I think it's important to listen to allegations of abuse, but I have witnessed many of these allegedly "abusive" interactions and in my opinion it is HER that is both physically and emotionally abusive. She hit my sister and I growing up, while constantly telling us how awful and ungrateful we were to her - she has done the same to every spouse she has been with).

So, while I am upset and scared about her health, I'm also really exhausted and angry with her.  I have previously undergone therapy and read books on having a BPD parent, so I have already grieved for the mother I will never have. 

I also knew the day would come when she might have a terminal illness.  It's just... .been really hard. My spouse comes from a pretty functional family and tries to be supportive, but probably can't truly understand what it's like to sort-of hate and love a parent at the same time.  I think she does actually need surgery and a biopsy, but I feel this sense of urgency and responsibility to figure out where she needs to go to have it (and how to get her there) before she just like drops dead at home because she can't/won't do what she needs to do on her own.

I have intentionally kept myself far from her physically to maintain healthy boundaries, and I dread having her in close proximity and also dread potentially having to watch her die (or, and maybe this getting ahead of myself, having her do hospice care in my home) - without a doubt, she will make this as emotionally difficult for everyone. ("When I'm gone no one will have to worry about me." "You don't care about me anyway." etc).

Any thoughts would be read and appreciated!  Sorry this is so long. I've actually wanted to interact with others in this forum for a long time, but I guess I needed a triggering event to do so :-)  (I also hope I have adequately followed the community posting guidelines!)

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY STARBUCK09

Welcome to BPD Family.  

So sorry about the circumstances that prompted you to  post and about the way your mom has treated you.  That is tough to deal with.

So, while I am upset and scared about her health, I'm also really exhausted and angry with her.  I have previously undergone therapy and read books on having a BPD parent, so I have already grieved for the mother I will never have.



For the past week she has been in the hospital with a health scare.  . . .but in talking with her doctor, I've learned that they may not be as dire as she has been leading us to believe. . . .  I think she does actually need surgery and a biopsy.

I feel this sense of urgency and responsibility to figure out where she needs to go to have it (and how to get her there) before she just like drops dead at home because she can't/won't do what she needs to do on her own.  

It is important to take care of yourself right now.  Use your best stress reduction tools: get in a walk, do some meditation, deep breathing exercises, a nice warm bath with some essential oils (and some mindful meditation) or whatever other stress tools you may have.  

I'm going to assume you are in the US, if not some of what I say may not apply.  If your mom is not mentally capable of making medical decisions right now, I think her husband is the default person of authority.  You might check with him and see if your mom ever made a medical power of attorney.  If there isn't one, and she is mentally capable of authorizing one, one should be created. (you can get software or a template online and get it notarized).  Some hospitals can assist with getting things notarized for patients.

How is the relationship between your mom and her husband?  :)oes your mom have insurance or is she on some form of disability?

Sometimes, people can lack mental clarity when they are low on sodium or potassium.  Even a UTI can cause confusion.  Might want to mention confusion to the doctor and see what the doctor says.  

When your mom gets transferred, it might be a good idea to have a talk with the attending doctor/hospitalist to discuss getting a mental evaluation for your mom.  In my case, we had a psychiatrist that was on staff at the hospital, visit my mom.  They ended up prescribing an antidepressant for her. My mom wasn't BPD and didn't have any mental illness (except for some anxiety), but she became combative, had hallucinations and asked to be shot.  All of the mental imbalance started from physical issues.

It must be overwhelming for you right now.  I had both of my parents in the hospital at the same time, and they were in different hospitals, so I have some idea how hard it can be.  Communicating with the doctors and hospital staff can be a challenge.  

Might want to see how things go, before you mention any thought of hospice at your home. You might not need it right now. It can be a good idea to look at all the options.  In the US, a doctor has to go on record and state that the patient has 6 months or less to live, before hospice happens (either at a facility, or in a home).

Before making a serious offer for hospice at your home (should that be needed), it would be helpful to get back into some therapy and gain some professional assistance to make sure your aren't just blinded by FOG and you really would want to provide hospice at your home, should hospice be needed.

What brought me to BPD Family is my uBPD sis.  She's had her issues, but really turned on her BPD behavior, when our parent's health began to fail.  As soon as we had to interact, I was painted black and still am.  I lost both parents within 6 months of each other and had to share all of the following with my uBPD sis as "co" everything:  Medical Power of Attorneys for both parents, Financial POA's and then co-trustees on our parent's trust and estate matters. Losing my parents was tough, but interacting with my uBPD sis through all of this was and still is a lot worse.

You don't know yet, whether your mom has cancer.  Although there are cases where someone gets a cancer diagnosis and dies quickly, I don't think that happens in the majority of cases.  They have come a long way in treating cancer.  I can see why you would want to be ready for the worst possible outcome.



It could be helpful to read (or brush up on) FOG and Boundaries.

Here is a link to info. about Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG):

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

This link is to a Discussion Thread - What it means to be in the "FOG"

Note:  There are multiple pages for this one, might want to find the page numbering area at the top and click "all"

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Here is a link to a thread about boundaries:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

This link leads to discussion thread on boundaries (there are approx. 7 pages of discussion)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

[Starbuck09]

Hi Naughty Nibbler -

Thank you very much for your reply, kind words, and suggestions.

I am in the US and thankfully we have a power of attorney. I think it is a good point to try to get a mental evaluation if we can for her. She has probably truly never had one - as she has usually just gotten her previous doctors to diagnose her with depression so she can get anti-depressants. Unfortunately, these don't address her BPD.  So it would be nice if she could actually potentially be treated for BPD.

She also has insurance, and we've been able to schedule her an appointment for next week with a good health system in the city I live.  Her relationship with her husband is not great (a trend with all of her previous relationships), and he's not even coming with her to the appointment (I'm taking off work to go with her).  He's not mean or anything, she mostly just likes to keep all family members isolated from one another while she's with each of us - so she can "control the narrative" about what they're like.

Depending on how things go with this appointment and what her diagnosis/treatment plan is, I will definitely consider going back into therapy.  I underwent cognitive behavioral therapy and found it very helpful, and I have a therapist I like and trust.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience as well, it sounds very difficult to lose both parents within such a short time span. And, going through that with your sister, as well, had to have made the situation worse :-(

Also, thank you for the additional links and resources, I will read them.

[Woolspinner2000]

Starbuck09,

Let me join NaughtyNibbler in welcoming you to our BPD family!   I'm glad you took the step and posted about your story.

You will find listening ears and helpful hearts of understanding here. I'm sure you've already found encouragement as you've read fellow member's posts. We are here to help one another.

Because I live several states away, it has been difficult to get accurate information about what is going on. I know she does actually have physical health issues, but in talking with her doctor, I've learned that they may not be as dire as she has been leading us to believe.

It can be so frustrating when a pwBPD exhibits this type of behaviour. My uBPDm would also do this, and it would make it difficult to know when there actually were problems and when it was merely "the attention getter" attempt. It sounds like she is causing a lot of drama and confusion. I am sorry for the stress that this is putting your family through right now. What are you doing to take care of yourself in the moment?



Wools

[Starbuck09]

Hi Woolspinner -

Thank you for your note!  You are right, I have found encouragement reading other people's stories and learning that I'm not alone in having a close family member with BPD.

On top of my mom's health issues, the drama she creates around it all is really frustrating.  For decades, she has made our family unnecessarily worried about her health (often claiming she was on the verge of death or serious illness when she knew she wasn't), as a way to keep people from abandoning her.

I also just spent a lot of money buying her a plane ticket to the city where I live (for her upcoming doctor appointment here at a better hospital) and she's already hinting that the ticket isn't good enough because of the airport it leaves from (even though the airport options are very limited because of where she lives). 

Nothing is ever, ever good enough for her - no matter how much my sister and I do for her she always wants and expects more from us. I think her ultimate goal is to end up living in my home, being 100% supported by me financially and emotionally.

Anyway, I guess being aware of her patterns is an important part of dealing with her.  I anticipate having to set boundaries with her in the near future that are going to make her act out even more (I can already here it: "I'll just go into hospice/public housing then if you don't care about me!". 

In terms of self-care, I've been making sure I eat well, exercise, and get enough rest.  Today, I'm going to spend time with friends outdoors. Thanks for checking!

[Naughty Nibbler]

   

. . . . I think it is a good point to try to get a mental evaluation if we can for her. She has probably truly never had one - as she has usually just gotten her previous doctors to diagnose her with depression so she can get anti-depressants. Unfortunately, these don't address her BPD.  So it would be nice if she could actually potentially be treated for BPD.

My sister gets antidepressants from her GP.  The situation with my sister has really driven home the logic that you really need some counseling to go along with the meds for the best outcome.  The GP's don't know what they don't know.  At one point, my sister shared with me that her GP suggested she get some counseling (after both parents died), but sadly my sister wouldn't do it.

I chatted a little with my GP, during my last visit.  He says he gets phone calls from relatives of patients with mental issues.  He says he listens to what the relatives have to say, but he has no power to make the patent go to counseling. Guess most physicians won't take a position that a patient get a psyc. eval, before they continue to prescribe psyc.meds.

Depending on how things go with this appointment and what her diagnosis/treatment plan is, I will definitely consider going back into therapy.  I underwent cognitive behavioral therapy and found it very helpful, and I have a therapist I like and trust. 

I'm glad that you have a trusted therapist that you resume therapy with, if needed.

Hope things go well with your uBPDm's medical appt.  Keep in touch and let us know how things go.

[Starbuck09]

I just thought I'd give an update on the situation with my mom:

So, I flew her here last weekend and took off work that Monday to take her to a doctor appointment.  They ended up admitting her into the hospital, primarily because they didn't really know what was going on and wanted to do more testing.  They kept her for about 5 days, with me visiting her every night after work.  She then got released from the hospital yesterday after a slew of tests and the final results will come back probably in the next day or two.  My mom is now staying in my house for the time being, until we know more.

Now, of course, there's a few emotionally-weird things going on:

1) Even though she still hasn't been diagnosed yet, she is telling friends and family that she has cancer.

2) When she was in the hospital, she said she wanted to move closer to my sister and me and live in a nice senior apartment she found online.

3) I asked her if/when/what she was going to tell her husband, and how she was going to get her stuff moved. At this, she got upset, as she was assuming my sister and I would buy her new furniture/stuff for her apartment and move her into it.  She also hasn't really thought through how to tell her husband she wants to essentially separate from him.

4) When we pressed her on these questions, she said, nevermind, she would just go back home and go right into hospice to be out of everyone's way.

Now, I thought these were simple questions to ask, and we mostly wanted clarity on what her plan was.  But, it's like, if we don't do every single thing for her, she thinks we don't care about her.  I just feel like she's being kind of manipulative by (a) telling people she has cancer when that's still not even certain yet, and (b) using the hospice card as a "test" to try to get us to do/buy things for her.

For the time being, she's in my home - currently in the spare bedroom, with the door shut, angry, and likely texting/messaging her friends how awful I'm being to her (that may sound paranoid, but that's what she does - as other people tell me what she says about me).

Anyway, I'm going to make an appointment with my therapist, hopefully for next week.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Starbuck09:

An appt. with your therapist sounds like a good move.  You need all the support you can get right now.  Unfortunately, your mom will likely continue with "behavior as usual", so take care of yourself and establish firm boundaries. No matter what you do, she won't be happy, so guard your sanity.

The fact that other people tell you what your mom says about you, likely means that they don't believe a word she is saying.  Do you think she will be disappointed if she doesn't have cancer? 

Does she have money for the "nice senior apt."?  What do you think her husband's reaction will be if she does separate from him? 

So sorry you are going through this.  Let us know how things go next week.   

[Starbuck09]

Hi Naughty Nibbler -

Thanks for checking in again 

Yes, by now, most of my mom's friends and family members know how she is, and she's really alienated herself from them.  I'm the only one who has rushed to sort of help her figure out her next move and show care for her, and everyone else has kept their distance (and I don't blame them - she talks negatively about each of them, to each other).

I do think she will be disappointed if she doesn't actually have cancer.  I think a part of her has long felt entitled to being waited on hand and foot, and not having cancer won't give her the necessary "excuse" to be cared for/served for the rest of her life.

Regarding the senior apartment, she does receive a fixed income and, with the rent control in the senior housing, she could technically afford it (it would be less than 1/3 of her monthly income).  My worry is that she's awful with money - and impulsively shops on the Internet all day (she's been on disability for about 10 years now and really has done little with her days except shop online - with her husband paying their mortgage and bills). 

So, she has a pretty sweet arrangement now with the husband, so I'd be somewhat surprised if she gave that financial security/lifestyle up.  I would bet that the husband would maybe be relieved if she moved out and separated from him, because it would be less of an ongoing financial burden on him.

Well, final medical tests should be back tomorrow - we'll go from there.

[Woolspinner2000]

Starbuck09,

I am wondering how things are going with your mom? What did the tests show? I hope you are hanging in there. Please update us when you have time!

 
Wools

[Starbuck09]

Hi Wools -

Thank you for checking in.  Here's an update on the situation with my mom:

She ended up staying in the hospital for a week when she arrived here, as they did various tests on her. Many of the tests the doctors did ended up being inconclusive as to cancer, but finally after a week of biopsies and testing they ultimately arrived at the conclusion that it is cancer. In a few weeks they will know more about the extent of it.

I feel bad for having doubts about it, although it is in line with her behavior to exaggerate health issues, so it's just always hard to know what to ever think with her claims.  Anyway, once she was diagnosed, my spouse and I were able to talk her through various options and after different rounds of her saying "I don't want to be a burden" and saying she would just go to hospice, and us convincing her that she should at least try to fight, she decided to undergo treatment.  So, she's still living with me right now, while she does the different rounds of chemo.

Emotionally and physically it has been pretty draining.  My spouse is a big help (although I worry this might eventually take a toll on our relationship), and my other family members are mostly of no help - my sister is honestly too bitter and angry about how my mom treated us growing up to feel inclined to help much and her 2 brothers (my uncles and their families) feel similarly.  I think they are all just relieved that I've been handling this and they can wipe their hands of her knowing she'll be in decent care with me.

With respect to her, the rage-y aspect of her personality has mellowed out as she has aged (and has less control over my sister and me - we would and have cut ties with her if she ever pulled those rages on us again), but the endless negativity, helplessness, and having to always, always be the center of attention has remained.  I work a full-time job and visited her at the hospital every night she was there (which is an hour drive each way) and have taken off work when needed to drive her to appointments. She never asks about my life, my friends, my job, or my hobbies, but during our visits, mostly gossips about different people.

All of this being said, she's still my mom and I love her, so on that level it's hard to see her weak and frail - and I would never want her to die alone somewhere surrounded by strangers.  There are also moments where her being here seems... .okay: when we're laughing together or watching a movie or eating a good meal.

I've also yet to see my therapist - but was able to get away for a few days out of town with friends this past weekend, which was nice.  For some reason, I'm having trouble prioritizing seeing my therapist. Maybe like I feel like a tiny thread is holding me all together right now and if I go talk to him about it, all of it will unravel. 

Anyway, she has another treatment in a couple of weeks, and another scan and I suspect we will know more with respect to a prognosis.  Depending on what we find out, we may have to talk through different options and living arrangements. She does talk about going home after this next treatment.  I guess we will see what we find out.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Starbuck09:

Good to get an update from you 

All of this being said, she's still my mom and I love her, so on that level it's hard to see her weak and frail - and I would never want her to die alone somewhere surrounded by strangers.  There are also moments where her being here seems... .okay: when we're laughing together or watching a movie or eating a good meal.     

I'm sorry about the diagnosis.  It has to be a hard time of mixed feelings for you.  Hope you have more okay times, than not.  You are showing a lot of compassion for your mom.

I've also yet to see my therapist - but was able to get away for a few days out of town with friends this past weekend, which was nice.  For some reason, I'm having trouble prioritizing seeing my therapist. Maybe like I feel like a tiny thread is holding me all together right now and if I go talk to him about it, all of it will unravel.      

You have to decide what you feel is right for you in regard to therapy.  Getting away with some friends can be good therapy in itself.

   Depending on what we find out, we may have to talk through different options and living arrangements. She does talk about going home after this next treatment.  I guess we will see what we find out.   

  Interesting that she is now thinking about going back home.   Any thoughts on that.  Do you think by giving her the option of staying, she would choose to go home willingly?     
Perhaps she misses her husband after all?

[Starbuck09]

Hi Naughty Nibbler,

A belated thanks for your compassionate reply from July.   

Thought I'd give an update on the situation with my mom. She's still been living with me while she undergoes cancer treatment.  You asked previously my thoughts on her thinking about going home. It is something she mentions now and again, as I've made it clear that she's welcome here.  Reading through some of the FOG materials, I feel that I'm being a bit controlled by her. Whenever I assert a self-need or boundary ("I have to do this thing tonight, so I won't be home until later", she mentions going home because my having other plans every now and then means I'm "too busy" for her.

Here is my fear and the part that feels controlling. She shows a lot of waif-like/dependent/self-harm traits. She mostly stays in pajamas all day. Barely leaves her bedroom. Doesn't cook for herself.  Doesn't eat unless we bring food to her (and she does have an appetite once food is in front of her). Doesn't try to figure out her insurance (each time I take her to an appointment, there is a new insurances snafu for me to figure out). Doesn't keep track of her own appointments. Doesn't ask the doctors questions about her diagnosis, treatment plan, or prognosis.

So, my fear is that if/when she moves back home, she won't have the capacity or motivation to get treatment in her home state.  She was in a bad state when she got to my house in terms of self care, and believe it or not, I think her mental and physical health has improved since she's been living with me, since she's eating well, sleeping regularly, and getting medical treatment.  I would hate to see her decline after making this progress.  Now, she may or may not be pretending to be helpless and apathetic about her health (it's hard to tell with her), but it is interesting that each time I live my own life is when she "threatens" to go home. 

Like I said before, it hasn't been all bad (I suspect in many cases of BPD, it's not all bad, which makes it harder to go no contact).  I've long ago accepted that I have to "be the parent" to my parent, and I can accept the good times for what they are (in that, even the good times are not great, they are still kind of one-sided and centered around her).

My sister (who hasn't been helping) has let me know that my mom has taken to messaging her now all of these really negative things. Such as saying that she's bored and getting depressed sitting at my house all day when I'm at work. Yet, my mom also expresses to me no wish to ever do anything or go anywhere. She just sort of puts the onus on me to read her mind, know how to entertain her even when I'm at work, and be responsible for her emotions.  Oy.  I sort of feel like telling her she's free to go home anytime she wants, and she can certainly leave the house and find something productive or exciting to do during the day - in fact, most people would love to have so much free time! (Although if I did tell her that she'd just intrepret it as me abandoning her).

Anyway, it's been odd to once again be living with a parent who has the emotional capacity of a mean, self-centered child.  It's a good thing I have a dark sense of humor, it's probably the only thing that's kept me (relatively) sane my life.   

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY STARBUCKS:  
Thanks for updating us.  I'm glad your mom is improving!  Have you been able to talk directly to her doctor to get her prognosis, since she isn't doing that on her own behalf?  Does her treatment involve chemo or radiation (if so for how long)?

My sister (who hasn't been helping) has let me know that my mom has taken to messaging her now all of these really negative things. Such as saying that she's bored and getting depressed sitting at my house all day when I'm at work. . .

Does you sister indicate how she replies to these negative messages?  Does your sister offer any ideas on dealing with your mom? 

You have been a very compassionate daughter, but the reality is you won't be able to change your mom.  Managing the FOG and being diligent with boundaries (without guilt), is likely the only thing to save your own sanity.

Contrary to what she might say, sounds like mom is doing well and is capable of taking responsibility for herself (address her boredom and get a meal for herself). Any chance of getting your mom into therapy, on the premise of dealing with cancer and associated depression. (without mentioning BPD)?  Perhaps some antidepressants might be helpful?  I believe you indicated your mom is 59-1/2.  Depending on her cancer prognosis, she could have many years of life left.

 Have you had a recent conversation with mom's husband?  It might be helpful to gain his current perspective.  If you can get a better perspective on you mom's prognosis, it might help with decision making. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Starbucks!

Good to hear an update from you. I have a few questions that have come to my mind as I read your post.

How are things going with your spouse? Has your relationship been affected by your mom?

What are you doing for self care... .are you seeing your T?

Often times when we look at options, we will feel less trapped. Are you able to brainstorm with us or someone else about possible options for her that would be an alternative to living with you? If so, I'd love to hear them. The control is clearly there from your mom, whether it is trying to determine your free time or her texts to your sister speaking of her boredom. You can't win for losing can you? The disorder is so crazy, threatening to suck us up into it with them. I think the fatigue of a child comes largely from trying to avoid being controlled and sucked into the dysfunction.

Kudos to you for all you've done to help her and support her. Your love for her shines through to us all. 

 
Wools

[Starbuck09]

Hi again -

Welp, it happened, my mom impulsively left for home!  The triggering event seems to have been that over the weekend I went to breakfast with a friend.  When I got home, she had her bags packed up, said it was "obvious" she "wasn't welcome" any longer, and that she had booked a flight for several hours later.  I asked her why she was leaving so suddenly and she said it was because I went out to eat with a friend. Like, she straight-up admitted it! 

Anyway, I was pretty upset in the moment. First of all, I knew this was all coming to a head, as every time I asserted independence from her, she would act out.  I'm also upset because she had a doctor appointment for this week, at which the doctor was going to discuss with us some important choices for her/us to make about next steps in her treatment plan.  But, I took her to the airport, because she insisted and, when I pressed her on it, she promised to get treatment in her home town. I don't know if I should have tried harder to get her to stay, or not taken her to the airport, but I was emotionally exhausted and didn't have it in me to fight/negotiate for her to stay. It's been an exhausting few months and she was saying some pretty awful things.  Some people with this disorder will just never be grateful, no matter how much you do for them. I put my life on hold all summer for her. I did my best. And, it wasn't enough. Nothing every would be, unless I completely merged my needs/wants with hers.

Anyway, Naughty Nibbler - to answer some of your questions: Her treatment does involve chemo and the tumors were responding well to it (it is a type of cancer where the person has targeted chemo directly into the tumor once every couple of months). I have been able to speak with her doctor, as I've been to most appointments with her.  The prognosis isn't great, and the treatment is primarily palliative and to extend her life, rather than to cure the cancer.  I'm unsure if she will actually get treatment in her home town, and I suspect she might commit "suicide" by inaction.  She is addicted to pain pills and has a doctor there who will prescribe them for her on demand.  So, my guess is that that's how she'll deal from here on out.

My sister's way of responding to my mom's negativity is mostly to just end the communication and stop responding.  I had a long conversation with my sister after taking my mom to the airport, and she at least can sympathize with me and truly understands what our mom is like. Honestly, a part of me is relieved she is gone and out of my space.  We had a relatively good several months, with ups and downs of course, but I knew once it got to the stage where she was feeling bored and talking about me, the "good times" were likely to end completely for us.

Woolspinner - Thanks for writing, as well!  Things with my spouse are going well.  I think it is truly hard for people who don't have experience with those with BPD to understand what it's like to have someone with BPD in your life. So I'm sure that has been ... .eye-opening.   But my spouse is very compassionate, so I'm lucky there!

In terms of self-care, I have been keeping up my routine with the things that make me feel good - eating well, sleeping 7-8 hours/night, exercising.  Now that my mom is back home, I do feel like I have the capacity and time to see my therapist.  When I think about why I haven't yet, I can now say that I have avoided my therapist because I would have had to contrive a lie to my mom about where I was going, and she gets very defensive about the thought of my sister or me in therapy.  She found out my sister was in therapy a few years ago and said, "Oh, I hope it's nothing I did.  I hope she doesn't talk about me!"

Anyway, thank you to all for listening, and for your words of support! 

[Naughty Nibbler]

STARBUCKS:

Thanks for the update.  I think you can use a hug.  

Hopefully, you can find some comfort in the fact that you did your best to help your mom.  Your mom has to own her own decisions, and you can't change who she is. (especially this late in life).  It might be helpful to read/reread the thread below on abandonment. It might be possible that that is what was going on with your mom's abrupt departure.

FEAR OF ABANDONMENT

The prognosis isn't great, and the treatment is primarily palliative and to extend her life, rather than to cure the cancer.  I'm unsure if she will actually get treatment in her home town, and I suspect she might commit "suicide" by inaction.  

When it comes to end of life decision, what is right for one person is not right for another. My mom was a non.  Once she got a diagnosis of Pulmonary Fibrosis (IPF), she had a horrible 6-month battle with a multitude of infections and problems (and never came home).  My uBPD sister and I shared in her medical decisions.  At one point, my mom stated that she never thought she would linger in a hospital/skilled nursing facility at the end of her life.  She anticipated that she would just pass from a stroke of heart attack.

I could see that my mom wouldn't have wanted to linger the way she was (any longer than necessary).  My sister, however, got upset when a palliative doctor spoke with us.  Of course, my sister painted the doctor black, and didn't hesitate to say she didn't like her.  I expressed my opinions, but waited for things to evolve until there were just less and less options to choose.

Instead of thinking about your mom's possible choice of "stopping treatment" as suicide by inaction, it could be thought of as just an end-of-life choice.  Many nons, make a decision to NOT get treatments for terminal illnesses when the prognosis is not good.

Perhaps it can be interpreted as an act of your mom abandoning herself.  I'm thinking that from the perspective of an untreated BPD, that the stress and emotional dysregulation with a terminal illness could be overwhelming.  I think it is possible that some people may think that their emotional pain can feel worse than their physical pain.  So, she is possibly acting in relation to both her physical and mental illnesses.

I'm so glad that your partner is so supportive.  It is good that you have maintained your habits of  taking care of yourself.  It would likely be helpful for you to discuss some of these thing in therapy, and not let FOG set in.

I found this article recently and thought I'd share it with you.  Here is an excerpt:

"It might be useful to imagine that the brain is like a car," explains Dr. John Krystal, Editor of Biological Psychiatry. "The gas pedal for emotion might be the amygdala and the emotional brake might be the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. The current findings seem to suggest that, in borderline personality disorder, the brain steps on the gas yet does not as effectively brake emotion."
The complete article is at the link below:
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/01/160113103314.htm

[Starbuck09]

Thank you, NN! 

You have given me a lot to think about, especially with respect to her decision being an end of life decision.  I know that she doesn't want to physically suffer or undergo extensive treatment.

My mom watched her own mother die from cancer about 15 years ago, and I don't think she ever got over it.  She went through in-home hospice and, from my perspective as someone who helped with caregiving, it was very sad but also allowed my grandmother to end her life with dignity and on her own terms (it was her choice to not undergo treatment).  After my grandmother died, I saw a marked decline in my own mother's mental health, followed by a series of impulsive, bad decisions.

I will read the materials you suggest.  Just today I was wondering about the physical/chemical basis of BPD, just trying to better understand the (what seems from the outside) chaotic mindset and decision-making.

Thank you again - for your kind words and support. In terms of your mom and sister, I'm sorry - it is difficult to imagine having to make decisions about a parent's health care with someone with BPD :/  Hugs to you as well.

[Starbuck09]

 

Well, I can't say this was unexpected, but my mom is now messaging me saying that she wants to come back to my house.  If I'm honest with myself, when I dropped her off at the airport when she impulsively got a plane ticket home, I felt a huge burden lift from my shoulders and I saw how I had let her completely consume my life with her needs/wants.

I did schedule that appointment with my T and met with him last night. It was a good session.  He specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy and has a lot of experience with BPD, and he helped talk me through things in a rational, non-emotional way. The bottom line is that we came to the conclusion that my mom should not return to my house because it's too much - too big a toll on my mental health and well-being and too enabling of her dysfunctional behavior. 

Last I heard from her, she had actually made an appointment with her primary care doctor and was being referred to a cancer treatment in her home town.  I'm hoping she goes through with further treatment, but if she doesn't, then that is her choice and I cannot be responsible for her choices any longer.

Anyway, as part of my continual healing, I'm going to re-read a couple books on BPD parents.  I suspect that my guilt about my mom will be a recurring theme in my life, possibly forever. And, I really need to examine that before I go swooping in to "save" people like my mom from themselves.

Thanks all who've read and commented.

[Naughty Nibbler]

STARBUCKS:     
I'm so glad you started seeing your therapist again.  It can be really helpful to have some professional support to help us with your decisions and FOG.

It's encouraging that she made an appt. for medical attention in her home town.  She can also make a choice for some therapy with a psychologist. There should be local palliative resources available for her and hopefully her spouse will support her.

Continue on with you life in the best way possible, and take care.  Keep us posted on how things go.

Best wishes