I've been broken up with my BPD since March 17th. I have not physically seen him since March 13. It has been the longest 3 months of pain that I've endured. I've slowly detached over the last couple of months. I felt I was pretty strict about the NC. I went as far as to change my phone number and block on social. The only door I left open was email contact. We had a couple of exchanges back when I had some issues with my landlord thinking my ex was the cause of problems (he wasn't) so I had to reactivate my number and call him.
When I did call him he sounded like he could care less but wanted to keep talking to me. I asked him if he ever wanted to resolve this (when I still cared) and he said but not now. He told me to call him back later, I did. He did not pick up. No shocker there. The next day was mothers day and I sent him a photo of me and my daughter at mothers day dinner. He made no response other than he went to that same restaraunt a week prior. No Happy Mothers Day ... .nothign but telling me what he ordered. It was really hurtful and then I had to ask myself what was I really expecting here? I told him the next day that he obviously could care less if I was alive or dead and I'm turning my phone back off. So I did.
From that point on there was NO text or phone communication. On Tuesday out of the blue I get a email that said "Hey how are you?" I didn't get the message until 3 hours after it was sent. I honestly was happy to hear from him and know that he was thinking about me and then I realized what kind of f******g question is that anyways? I debated back and forth if I should respond. I have done so much research at this point I know my response and any attention I give him is only all about him and has nothing to do with me. A VERY HARD REALITY TO SWALLOW. At that point I figured he doesn't really care and if I were to really write about the pain I'm going through it would be a book! I responded back with a photo of my dog which WAS a puppy when he saw him last. He responded back only with the dogs name and exclamation marks. That was it.
The next couple of days I was paying attention to every email I got like it was headline news. I started to really think about the fact that he abandoned me for 3 months and didn't give a sh** about my feelings and NOW he wants to ask how I'm doing? He moved on with someone else! Is this him trying to h**ver me? (for whatever reason this post keeps wanting to turn h**ver into charm!)
In any case I woke up yesterday and actually felt different. Whatever it was that we had is now pretty much dead. When I think about seeing him I think, Gross! When I think about any final talking it out with him, waste of time! When I think about his job, pathetic! When I think about how good looking I thought he was, STD's! When I think about him contacting me, ignore and delete! When I think about what he might say, it doesn't matter!
I woke up and blocked his email. I am making the concious decision to NEVER hear from him again. I don't feel bad for him and can't believe there was a point where I wanted to help him. He is a loser if he does not want to his own mental health and extremely irresponsible. I realize his life is always going to be a mess and chaotic. He will never treat another person right because it's all about him. I have no worry that my replacement will have a life that I'm missing out on... .Noo that b***ch can have all that! It's all BS and can't believe that my life has been destroyed and turned upside down because of this person coming into my life. I accept responsibility for my part in the relationship however i've apologized over and over, went to therapy and tried to make amends like a sane human. I am in therapy and almost lost my apt and job because of all of this. Now I actually hate him. Yes, hate. I've never hated someone before but what I'm feeling right now is definitly hate. I hope I can stay like this. It feels good to finally not want him and accept that I can do better for my life.
