Do they ever miss us?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've moved into my new place and so now he doesn't know where I live. It gives me a feeling of protection, but I'm still so very sad. I loved parts of him. He could be very funny and he used to call me gorgeous and lovely which I liked. I keep reminding myself that this wasn't the norm, but it's hard not to go there. Does he miss me do you think? Sometimes perhaps? Did your ex's show signs of missing you at all?

[Larmoyant]

I've moved into my new place and so now he doesn't know where I live. It gives me a feeling of protection, but I'm still so very sad. I loved parts of him. He could be very funny and he used to call me gorgeous and lovely which I liked. I keep reminding myself that this wasn't the norm, but it's hard not to go there. Does he miss me do you think? Sometimes perhaps? Did your ex's show signs of missing you at all?

[heartandwhole]

Absolutely. I know pwBPD missed me sometimes, and he communicated that. I'm sure your ex does, too, Larmoyant.

I can fully understand your feelings. I felt the same way about pwBPD—he was a very lovable man. It's okay to feel nostalgic and to want to know that someone misses you. What could be more human and natural? 

The finality of moving away and him not knowing where you are has probably triggered these feelings. Do you think so?

heartandwhole

[Rannan]

My pwBPD told me she missed me a couple weeks after our separation, while in a new shiny relationship with my replacement. She told me she "missed my funny shiz." We have very similar senses of humor and could both make each other roar with laughter. I personally believe my replacement is a complete bore in this sense so yes, I do believe she misses me for what I could provide her.

Now? I know I'm painted black but I'm not convinced I'm not missed. I think you're only not missed when a pwBPD can be indifferent about you. The reason they paint us black so often after breaking up is because the emotional attachment to us is too strong and too painful for them to handle, so they have to rationalize to themselves that they hate you and that you are a bad person to attempt to self-soothe these troublesome emotions.

She had also left me in 2011, only to come back almost a year later saying that she missed me and we recycled in the process. Bottom line is this: They may appear to have forgotten you and for a time, while still in the throes of some new relationship, they do. However, pwBPD experience a prolonged and delayed sense of mourning. One day, you'll pop up in their mind, and by then you might just be over the hill and on the path to true blissful detachment. Hang in there.  

[Confused108]

I'm so sorry you went thru this. I'm sorry we all went thru this. My ex when she came back told me how much she had missed me. But I also was told lie after lie after lie. I'm sure we all have. Do they miss us after they discard us without a thought in their mind? Maybe some do and maybe some don't. Just like when they come back and try to recycle us again. Some come back and try and some just don't.  It's a terrible illness.

[SoMadSoSad]

Just like when they come back and try to recycle us again. Some come back and try and some just don't.  It's a terrible illness.

I second this. My ex doesn't miss me at all. She is too into the replacement to even bother with someone who is no longer in her life.

[Lucky Jim]

I think you're only not missed when a pwBPD can be indifferent about you. The reason they paint us black so often after breaking up is because the emotional attachment to us is too strong and too painful for them to handle, so they have to rationalize to themselves that they hate you and that you are a bad person to attempt to self-soothe these troublesome emotions.

Agree w/that, Rannan.  That's the thought process (or rather, feeling process) they go through, though I doubt they are conscious of it.

Larmoyant: Sure, it's normal to wonder whether a BPD Ex misses us, though let me pose a question to you: what difference does it make?

LuckyJim

[Larmoyant]

Quote from LuckyJim: “ Larmoyant: Sure, it's normal to wonder whether a BPD Ex misses us, though let me pose a question to you: what difference does it make?”

What difference does it make?

I’m not sure. Maybe it’s an ego thing. I want him to miss me because I want to have meant something. I’m not sure I ever meant anything to him other than an emotional punching bag, and someone to have sex with. I’m left with feelings that he strung me along, made false promises so I’d stay.

I suppose if he misses me at all it means I was something other than someone to use and abuse. My self-worth has taken a huge hit so maybe it’s comforting to think he might miss me so I was something after all.

I want to believe that he loved me, but reflecting back I just can’t see that at all. I can see need on his part, desperation even when he pushed me too far. If you never really loved someone just used them to meet your needs then how can you miss them? If you were so self-focused how can you really know the other person, me in this case. He wrote to me a couple of weeks back saying “I know you. I really know you”, but I don’t think he ever did so how can he miss me.

He also wrote to me once saying he missed ‘us’ and wanted to be friends. This was early after I broke it off, but he was already dating other women. So how could he miss ‘us’. Why seek out other women instead of trying to resolve our issues. I don’t understand because he apparently wanted to stay with me, but was with other women. As for friendship! How could he expect me to be his friend whilst he paraded other women in front of me. Didn’t he understand the pain that would cause!

I want him to miss me, but I don’t really know why. I miss him though, the good parts and it hurts. He's off with his replacement (s). It's like I never mattered.

[Meili]

I know that I want my x to miss me because that would mean that I was at least somewhat important in her world.

But, at the end of the day, I'll never know. Even if she were to contact me and tell me that she misses me, I'd question whether it is true or not.

[atomic popsicles]

My ex is 100% literally insane now in addition to his overwhelming BPD, and I am struggling with this. I want him to miss me. I want him to know what he destroyed. In reality, I will continue to be painted black like the others before me.

[hergestridge]

If something triggers them to, they will miss us. If something tears up old wounds, then they can miss us. My ex wife had a new boyfriend just months after our separation a couple of years ago. Now I'm getting re-married to another woman and to my surpise my ex (BPD) wife is devastated. She is still together with that guy she met almost two years ago.

I was trying to explain this to my new wife the other night, how nothing is consistent with a BPD person. They can be over you, then they're not over you. They love you, hate you, ignore you. You never really really learn, so it becomes unpredictable.

[seenr]

This is exactly my thoughts.

I split with BPD ex in April 2015 and she told me I was ugly and didn't love me any more. By September, she was saying she loved me, had been on dates but it wasn't the same. Fast forward 7 months and she is physically attacking me after a false accusation, then telling me I am to blame for all of our problems. I simply do not know. I mean in other relationships, I have hurt people, I have been hurt. Usually one people's feelings change or are not on the same page.

With someone with BPD, it is almost impossible to work out & has left me questioning my own sanity. While I am just 6 weeks down the road from this split, it is extremely difficult to see her. I know she is back dating online, but she did this before. I have no idea what to expect any time I go to collect our son and am anxious any time I do. It is like I am expecting violence, mocking, ridiculing & ignoring - all the things that went on in our relationship.

So, not sure if they ever really miss you as I'm not sure they know themselves? :-)

If something triggers them to, they will miss us. If something tears up old wounds, then they can miss us. My ex wife had a new boyfriend just months after our separation a couple of years ago. Now I'm getting re-married to another woman and to my surpise my ex (BPD) wife is devastated. She is still together with that guy she met almost two years ago.

I was trying to explain this to my new wife the other night, how nothing is consistent with a BPD person. They can be over you, then they're not over you. They love you, hate you, ignore you. You never really really learn, so it becomes unpredictable.

[DazedD40]

See my ex messages me saying she misses me but im not sure whether to believe her and even so what does it change, nothing.

She tells me she still loves me but again what does it change, nothing.

[Stripey77]

Those of you who know my story, know that I recently re-engaged with my ex after almost 6 months of being painted black/ST/being told I was deleted from his life. En route to his house a few weeks ago, he suddenly said "I have missed you... .a bit". The 'a bit' was added deliberately to try to lessen the impact of what he was saying- the words of that song 'I'm not in love' almost spring to mind.

I was dreading seeing the flat, thinking I'd see something I didn't want to see. Yet all of my things, gifts I'd given him, reminders of me, basic belongings... .they were all still there and intact as I'd left them. Surprising to me because if someone had been deleted from my life as he claimed I was, those things would have been in a skip months ago.

How much he actually 'missed' me on a daily basis is questionable. He has replaced me in all his spare time with a female 'best buddy'. He spends a huge amount of time getting drunk. But I think the details above are significant. The fact is, some part of him, in some way, most definitely missed me and was holding on to me as well. As I've posted elsewhere, even though my ex is not diagnosed to the best of my knowledge, I firmly believe he displays traits of BPD, at the very least, (not least of all because he keeps telling me that there's something wrong with his brain). I think it's about as close a demonstration or sign that I'm going to get that, underneath the 'b*stard' exterior who can apparently shut me out as if I didn't exist, there is most definitely still a loving man who, in his own way, missed me. And probably still does now... .but that is supposition.

People with BPD, or with traits of it, are still that - people. They're not aliens. Although their thought processes may be on a different plane to ours, the fact that is basic human traits of missing others, feeling bereft, must still come into play some of the time.  Especially, as I believe is the case with my ex, that he is 'on the spectrum' with BPD and at many times, very much aware of himself and what he is. The outward actions are not always necessarily a direct reflection of the turmoil going on within, at least in my own experience. You know your ex best, and unless he has lost all traits of being a human being, then I think you can be reassured that some part of him, however small, will be missing you. The thing is you may never know, and that's the bit you have to be able to live with.

[Learning Fast]

Good commentary all around.

I think that there are two questions here: do the think of us and do they miss us?

My ex was high-functioning so I never experienced many of the more dramatic behaviors that have been described on this site.  That being said, my ex has a fantastic memory (which I've read common in pwBPD) that she readily admitted can be both positive and negative when it comes to remembering the past.

Back to the original question---do they think of us?  Certainly.  Do they miss us?  I believe that this is episodic and depends on circumstances.

Generally speaking, most of the posts that I've read describe nons that have gone "over the top" in their unsparing loving treatment of their exes.  My ex has fumbled thru two relationships since we parted last June.  Sadly, she is now trying to reunite with her ex-husband of a couple of years ago (who has been happily dating someone else for over 9 months).  Do I think that she thinks and misses me?  I'd be stunned if she didn't.

LF

[FallBack!Monster]

After everything i have read on the disordered mind and the twisted thinking... .It seems to me they don't miss you until you no longer want them. Or they only want you in the same predicament they found you, happy and not having expectations of him or her.

Maybe they just want to slap that happy feeling out of your soul again.

Maybe knowing that you are happy again messes up their fantasy of you for ever being unhappy because s/he left you. After all they have said about you, and you go making him or her look bad by getting a real happy looking life?   

I once read a few post (not exactly on this forum) that speaks of them not liking to see anyone happy. How dare you be happy after all that work s/he put in to take you down.

Others suggest that they don't exactly miss you just what you use to do for them... .ego, financially, and whatever else their is for them.



I'm no expert, just talking about what I've read.

[Learning Fast]

AudB73,

Very true.  Our happiness is anathema to them---especially when they are unhappy (which is most of the time).  My life has moved along fairly well post breakup (our daughters are best friends so word travels fast) while she's struggled.  That being said, I've been painted blacker than coal and probably will remain that way indefinitely.

LF

[myself]

The ways my ex described her other exes was more like she was haunted by them.

[Learning Fast]

My ex would probably place me in that same category---a memory that she would prefer to forget but can't. 

Sadly the one thing all pwBPD want more than anything else---a loving, intimate and fulfilling relationship with a lifelong partner---is the one thing that the disorder will not permit.

LF

[hope2727]

My ex would probably place me in that same category---a memory that she would prefer to forget but can't. 

Sadly the one thing all pwBPD want more than anything else---a loving, intimate and fulfilling relationship with a lifelong partner---is the one thing that the disorder will not permit.

LF

So sad. I know this is true for my ex. It just breaks my heart. Both to see him suffer and to lose the person I love.

[Raspberry]

My ex would probably place me in that same category---a memory that she would prefer to forget but can't. 

Sadly the one thing all pwBPD want more than anything else---a loving, intimate and fulfilling relationship with a lifelong partner---is the one thing that the disorder will not permit.

LF

[Amber2016]

I do feel for you, as I could have written the same words myself almost. I'm by no means an expert in this, and am new to forum, but I think when they are being incredibly cruel and abusive or cold, its hard to remember that it is a distorted fear of rejection. My experience is that my now ex does care and does miss me-often when he feels I may have a use to him, but sometimes it is about love. My ex used to tar his exes, but sometimes he'd talk about the things that were his fault. It could have been an act, but I do believe that he cares as far as he is able. The keyword being able. Even if they do replace you, they may just be trying to fill the void inside themselves. You can move on and meet someone who really values you for what you are, not what you can be to them.

[Fr4nz]

Generally speaking, most of the posts that I've read describe nons that have gone "over the top" in their unsparing loving treatment of their exes.  My ex has fumbled thru two relationships since we parted last June.  Sadly, she is now trying to reunite with her ex-husband of a couple of years ago (who has been happily dating someone else for over 9 months).  Do I think that she thinks and misses me?  I'd be stunned if she didn't.

Then one has to wonder how many former partners a BPD actually misses... .

[Amber2016]

Generally speaking, most of the posts that I've read describe nons that have gone "over the top" in their unsparing loving treatment of their exes.  My ex has fumbled thru two relationships since we parted last June.  Sadly, she is now trying to reunite with her ex-husband of a couple of years ago (who has been happily dating someone else for over 9 months).  Do I think that she thinks and misses me?  I'd be stunned if she didn't.

Then one has to wonder how many former partners a BPD actually misses... .

Mine only has two ex gfs lasting less than 6 months, and an ex wife which lasted nearly three years. I had some longevity, or stupidity I'm not sure which   

[bAlex]

Don't think so -  my ex doesn't miss anyone. More likely scenario would be her talking trash about me with my replacements. Just like she talked trash to me about some of her ex's when we met.

[SoMadSoSad]

Generally speaking, most of the posts that I've read describe nons that have gone "over the top" in their unsparing loving treatment of their exes.  My ex has fumbled thru two relationships since we parted last June.  Sadly, she is now trying to reunite with her ex-husband of a couple of years ago (who has been happily dating someone else for over 9 months).  Do I think that she thinks and misses me?  I'd be stunned if she didn't.

Then one has to wonder how many former partners a BPD actually misses... .

I don't think anyone is special to a pwBPD. All exes are seen as the same.

[Raspberry]

I was their first girlf. Doesnt seem to be missing me. I've been replaced, I must have opened up his need for girls to boost his self esteem.  Wish I could get him out of my head. I'm hurt ing a lot tonight.

[FallBack!Monster]

I was their first girlf. Doesnt seem to be missing me. I've been replaced, I must have opened up his need for girls to boost his self esteem.  Wish I could get him out of my head. I'm hurt ing a lot tonight.

In my opinoin, if they miss you they wld do what most of us do when we really miss someone. If they send a text once in a blue, they are only doing what we all do whenever we remember that person. If he or she never reaches out, i doubt it.

[Fr4nz]

Generally speaking, most of the posts that I've read describe nons that have gone "over the top" in their unsparing loving treatment of their exes.  My ex has fumbled thru two relationships since we parted last June.  Sadly, she is now trying to reunite with her ex-husband of a couple of years ago (who has been happily dating someone else for over 9 months).  :)o I think that she thinks and misses me?  I'd be stunned if she didn't.

Then one has to wonder how many former partners a BPD actually misses... .

I don't think anyone is special to a pwBPD. All exes are seen as the same.

Hmmm, I don't agree; for what relates my personal experiences, my ex weighed more past boyfriends with whom she spent releveant amounts of time (let's say, more than 1 year) or had "intense" experiences - like the one with whom she remained pregnant, and then she subsequently decided to have a miscarriage since he was a coke addict and an alcoholic.

I was their first girlf. Doesnt seem to be missing me. I've been replaced, I must have opened up his need for girls to boost his self esteem.  Wish I could get him out of my head. I'm hurt ing a lot tonight.

In my opinoin, if they miss you they wld do what most of us do when we really miss someone. If they send a text once in a blue, they are only doing what we all do whenever we remember that person. If he or she never reaches out, i doubt it.

Again, I have to dissent; my ex is a cut-off type, so once you're out, it is very likely that she won't contact you anymore - at least she claimed to be like this, and this is something that happened to other users of this forum; yet, she often reminded some of her past exes (let's say, the most important ones).

I think pwBPD don't forget - sometimes even miss you, but probably you'll never know - especially if they shared with you a relevant amount of time or some "intense" experience.

[FannyB]

Hi Larmoyant

My ex phoned me tonight. Can't say that's irrefutable proof that she misses me - more likely that she needed someone to talk to and I could fulfill that role.

Proves that I haven't been erased from her consciousness though.


Fanny

[Meili]

Again, I have to dissent; my ex is a cut-off type, so once you're out, it is very likely that she won't contact you anymore - at least she claimed to be like this, and this is something that happened to other users of this forum; yet, she often reminded some of her past exes (let's say, the most important ones).

This is how my ex is/was/claimed to be also. I seriously doubt that I'll ever hear from her again. I've watched first hand what it's like for her to stop talking to someone that was once important to her. She has zero contact with her brother, cousins, aunt, and now no contact with her father. To my knowledge, she has zero contact with any of her exes, and she hated that I did. I didn't understand, at the time, how she could just discard people.