BPD ex gf won't stop contacting me. Is with my replacement. What does she want?

[Throw me a bone]

Hey guys looking for opinions on what my BPDexgf wants from me!

Background: we were together a year. Said I was the best thing since sliced bread, never felt like this with anyone, planned a life together, blah blah blah. We then ended it several months ago, initiated by her, she went on a blackening campaign of me. Who knows the trigger, but possibly me changing jobs was viewed as an abandonment. She went on dates and shagged a few guys. I went into desperation mode & did everything to try and get her back... .begged, changed, nc, etc. Recycled a couple of times but overall nothing worked & only pushed her further away. She had my replacement lined up during this whole period & when she finally snagged him she cut me off. Initially tried to hide it but then the replacement contacted me & said they were an item. I said fine & backed off. She Blocked me on everything except email. Telling me she found her love and that she had no feelings for me anymore (mind you this guy is a loser & the exact opposite of me in every bad way possible... .she agrees but says he is nice to her). That was 6 months ago.

Now when she first cut me off I was treated like scum of the earth. However only a week later she was asking if I was ok. Asking me if I was happy. Saying she wanted to be friends. I've been trying to set boundaries. Telling her I don't want to be friends, that I'm with someone else, that I don't love her, not to contact me. She will hold off contacting me for at most a week, then she'll come back. At times telling me she misses certain things about me. That is she struggling with her health & finances. Asking me for assistance with her career. Asking things of me. That she wants to be friends. On one occasion I caved and i told her I love her & wanted to be with her... .she said she knew but we can't be together because we are bad for each other. So I back off. She comes back two weeks later telling me she misses my intelligence, that her friends, my replacement & her family are dumb compared to me. Asking if I'm well and happy. However never does she say she wants to get back with me... .if she did I'd go back in a heart beat.

I suppose this brings me to now. I'm going nuts! This has been going on for 6 months. What does this girl want from me? Yes she is BPD so no need to question this.  But I am at a loss. Does anyone have any idea what she could possibly want? Bpd's and non's alike I am appealing to you for your assistance. If she wants me back I'll do whatever it takes to go back. But if it's anything other than this I want to move on because I can't have anything less than that with her. I'm fine to ignore & move on. But if this is her way of reaching out to me to come back then I'll go back. But I need to know what the hell she wants. And it's not something I can simply ask her... .she'll likely say friends or wants my help or whatever. Personally I think that's crap. And yes throughout all this she is still with my replacement.

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[Skip]

If she wants me back I'll do whatever it takes to go back. But if it's anything other than this I want to move on because I can't have anything less than that with her. I'm fine to ignore & move on. But if this is her way of reaching out to me to come back then I'll go back. But I need to know what the hell she wants. And it's not something I can simply ask her... .she'll likely say friends or wants my help or whatever. Personally I think that's crap. And yes throughout all this she is still with my replacement.

She jumped ship and is having second thoughts... .sounds like serious second thoughts. The question is whether she is missing you or doubting him and you can't know that... .she may not even know it.

If you want her back, and you have the strength, be the better alternative and give her some time to sort it. She knows the door is open to come back, so don't touch that subject. Be the better man. Be cool. But don't be "man in waiting". She won't feel compelled to make a decision until she has to and being a "man in waiting" delays that.

[livednlearned]

What do you think she means when she says you two are bad for each other?

There is a history to the way you two recycle. Is that what she's referring to, or was there something during the relationship that made her think this?

It seems like she might be looking for reassurance about something, tho like Skip say, it's possible she doesn't know what it is she's actually looking for. Stability in your demeanor? A change from what went on in the r/s?

LnL

[Throw me a bone]

Thanks guys. I'm living my life. Got a new girl & trying to move on. My heart is still stuck on her but movin on with things. When she says we were bad for each other, we knew how to push each other's buttons and we did. There was a lot of game playing and manipulation. Wasn't good. But I've moved on from that crap & just being real. I have no idea what she wants. She will always contact me with some random "neutral/platonic" thing. A lot of the time I don't reply then after a couple of days she'll call from an unknown number knowing I have to answer. Or she will send another email that I feel compelled to reply to. The recycles were never in the midst of her being with someone else. This is the first time since we were together that she has been with someone else. In the past we'd break up a lot, but this wouldn't last longer than a day or two and we'd be back together. This break up is the longest & also involves each of us having partners. I'm not sure what she wants reassurance about. I told her that I love her & that I want to be with her, but I don't want anything else from her so I've backed off. She keeps coming back though knowing I can't be just "friends". I am becoming more and more distant as I try to move on, but she is always there. I will do what it takes to be with her if that's what she wants, if not, I'll move on.

[Throw me a bone]

Any other opinions people?

[lbjnltx]

Any other opinions people?

You are insisting that everything be on your terms. Do you think that is helping.

[FallBack!Monster]

I convinced my BPD girl to break up with me. She did. I felt nervous but i knew that was the best thing for me. What do you think is the best thing for you?

I still miss some things about her. In fact, i miss her everyday. But i know thats not 100% her. The other side of her spooked the crap out of me.

I am a work in progress but i know the loyalty im looking for i will never obtain from her.  I text hi to her some days in a row. Sometimes once a week. Sometimes not at all. She hardly initiates contact since she changed. Thats fine because i say hi to fulfill my current need. I dont expect her to reply and when she does is always something crazy. When she doesnt i wonder if this is finally it. But she eventually reqches out when im not. However, i know she wants nothing. Just wondering why im not giving her her undeserving attention. But this is all just my view.

If you have moved on why even wonder what she wants?  Was she nice to u? Is there anything special about her? Is she a dime? Is she worth it?

[Throw me a bone]

Thanks for the replies.

lbjnltx, I'm not insisting on anything, just setting my boundary of being with her, but that I can't be anything else. I'm unable to be friends with someone I still have intimate feelings for. I'm just trying to work out why she constantly contacts me. That if it's because she wants me back then it is something I am willing to work towards. If it is anything else, then I want to move on as I can't do anything else without leading to personal suffering... .unrequited love! I just don't know what she wants and trying to get ideas from people. I don't want to miss the chance of trying again if that's on the table.

AudB73, the new girl I am starting to see as a rebound. She is a great girl, lots of fun, but not for me. My current girl is a dime & hotter then my exBPDgf, but that's just not enough for me. I'm still hung up on my exBPDgf so haven't moved on. I want to give it another try with ex if it's on the table. If not I'll cut her out completely and move on.

I know it's hard to know what my ex wants. Just trying to get ideas.

[livednlearned]

I know it's hard to know what my ex wants. Just trying to get ideas.

Does she know that you have a girlfriend?

[Throw me a bone]

Yes she does

[livednlearned]

Can you see how that might not be helping your situation?

[Throw me a bone]

Possibly. But I have to live my life also. I'm not waiting around for her to be ready to come back. I am trying to move on. She is holding me back by continually contacting me. If she wants us then I will try again. But I can't sit around waiting with the hope it might happen. I am doing whatever I can to move on from this. Her need to contact me is what's confusing the situation.

[livednlearned]

She broke up with you, she is with someone else, her emotions are probably dialed way down, at least for now. She knows you are with someone else, so is she.

From the outside, you two seem like people who are in new relationships, and not available.

Fear of rejection is prominent for someone with BPD. It would take a lot, even for someone without BPD, to risk what she has for someone in a relationship.

I'm not saying I know how she feels or what she wants, only that you want safety (moving on, dating, in a relationship) and expect her to take risks.

[C.Stein]

Possibly. But I have to live my life also. I'm not waiting around for her to be ready to come back. I am trying to move on. She is holding me back by continually contacting me. If she wants us then I will try again. But I can't sit around waiting with the hope it might happen. I am doing whatever I can to move on from this. Her need to contact me is what's confusing the situation.

Do you see the inconsistency in the two statements I highlighted?

You are in a new relationship and yet you are aren't.  Is that fair to the girl you are with right now?  :)oes this new girl know you are using her as a "rebound" and have no interest in anything serious with her?  

You say you aren't sitting around with hope but isn't that exactly what you are doing by leaving open the option of reconciliation?

[Throw me a bone]

Yes I understand what you are saying. I am simply wanting ideas to why she is contacting me. I still have feelings for her. I want to give it another go if that is possible. If not I will move on. My current rebound is part of that. I know it may not be fair on her, but after all the hurt from my ex I need to look after me. Basically if my ex is contacting me as a means of trying to reach out for the reason of getting back together I don't want to lose that chance. I know no one can say for sure if that's what she wants. So I am trying to get ideas as to the reasons why she would be reaching out.

[FallBack!Monster]

Yes I understand what you are saying. I am simply wanting ideas to why she is contacting me. I still have feelings for her. I want to give it another go if that is possible. If not I will move on. My current rebound is part of that. I know it may not be fair on her, but after all the hurt from my ex I need to look after me. Basically if my ex is contacting me as a means of trying to reach out for the reason of getting back together I don't want to lose that chance. I know no one can say for sure if that's what she wants. So I am trying to get ideas as to the reasons why she would be reaching out.

She still has conflicting feelings about you and wants to hear your voice.   She is wondering why your not dying w/o her being that you showed her that you loved her. Matbe she thinks of you as a friend. Maybe she feels that thet other person you're with is as temporary as people are to her. Maybe its her way of saying sorry. I hope I have provided you with some helpful answers and it brings you comfort. 

[Throw me a bone]

Thank you Audb73. It has helped. You raised some points that I didn't think of. It's what I have needed to hear. I have been so narrow focused thinking that it was her way of getting me back. But it's clear there are so many possibilities to her reaching out that one can never know. I need to move on.

[FallBack!Monster]

I need to move on.

I thought you had already moved on but was just curious. Okay. Good luck