I hate her

[C.Stein]

I know, and this worries me. The hate is always with me. Its the first thing I'm aware of when I wake up in the morning. There is always a burning sensation in the pit of my stomach, and sometimes I think I feel a tightness in my chest. I need to lose my anger, but I don't know how. Its coming from my reliving traumatic memories. There is so much I blocked out. I either made excuses for her behavior (she's just having a bad day... .) or I was able to keep myself from dwelling on it. But now I can't avoid those events anymore. They're back like they just happened yesterday. It's weird. Some of this stuff happened over a year ago, and I'm only just now feeling it the way I should. Its all hitting me at once. I think this is why I'm being flooded with hate.

I still feel anger over things that happened almost three years ago with my ex, and yes it does seem like only yesterday.  However I can't let the anger control me ... .what good would that do for me?  Would writing a letter release my pain and anger ... .nope.  How do I know it won't?  I did write a letter, several in fact.  Two epic letters that probably took over 50 hours to construct, none of which got acknowledged.  Then I have another 10 or more that have probably taken over 100 hours to construct but were never sent.  Do I want to send them ... .you bet I do ... .but I won't.  Why not ... .why bother?  She will ignore them, or read them and deny them.  She has constructed her own version of reality and nothing I say will ever change that.  If anything it will only serve to reinforce her reconstructed reality.

Will my anger go away ... .yes indeed it will and it has lessened considerably since the start of the anger stage.

Nuitari, you were in this very same place a couple of months ago if memory serves me correctly.  You worked hard to understand and deal with your emotions and you have done some great work to that end.  I believe you wanted to contact her back then too and now you have and where did that get you?  Now you want to contact her again as it apparently wasn't enough ... we have come full circle.  When will it be enough ... .when will it end?  My point here is it will only end when you decide to put an end to it.  You are putting control of your life and your emotional well being in her hands.   You can choose to hold on to the hate and nurture it, or you can choose to push your way through it and eventually let it go.  Bottom line, it is your choice.

[Nuitari]

I still feel anger over things that happened almost three years ago with my ex, and yes it does seem like only yesterday.  However I can't let the anger control me ... .what good would that do for me?  Would writing a letter release my pain and anger ... .nope.  How do I know it won't?  I did write a letter, several in fact.  Two epic letters that probably took over 50 hours to construct, none of which got acknowledged.  Then I have another 10 or more that have probably taken over 100 hours to construct but were never sent.  :)o I want to send them ... .you bet I do ... .but I won't.  Why not ... .why bother?  She will ignore them, or read them and deny them.  She has constructed her own version of reality and nothing I say will ever change that.  If anything it will only serve to reinforce her reconstructed reality.

Wow! This sounds a lot like me. I can't count how many drafts of that letter I've gone through, or how many hours I've spent working on it. For me, though, it isn't about whether or not she responds. I could care less if she doesn't. I think its just about me sending it. I do worry though that she may respond by apologizing again, which is just going to make me angrier. I'm always going back and forth about sending it. I can see pros and cons for both. I just want to make sure that, if I choose not to send it, that I'm making that choice for the right reasons, and not because I'm letting myself be intimidated by the prospect of a backlash. I keep hearing that I shouldn't send it because she may get angry and do this or that. But I don't see this alone as sufficient reason for opting out. If I want to send that letter, if deep down I feel like it will help me, but I don't merely because of what she might hypothetically do in response, I'm still letting her have power over me, and I can't allow that anymore. I want to be sure that I'm doing the right thing for the right reasons.

Nuitari, you were in this very same place a couple of months ago if memory serves me correctly.  You worked hard to understand and deal with your emotions and you have done some great work to that end.  I believe you wanted to contact her back then too and now you have and where did that get you?  Now you want to contact her again as it apparently wasn't enough ... we have come full circle.  When will it be enough ... .when will it end?  My point here is it will only end when you decide to put an end to it.  You are putting control of your life and your emotional well being in her hands.   You can choose to hold on to the hate and nurture it, or you can choose to push your way through it and eventually let it go.  Bottom line, it is your choice.

You're right. I was in the same place a couple of months ago. I can't seem to get past this need to contact her and get stuff off my chest. But I think you might be confusing me with someone else because I never followed through with contacting her, outside of politely telling her not to contact me. She's made a few attempts at contact, to which I responded via email reiterating that I no longer felt comfortable talking to her. I told her not to take it personally, and I wished her the best. That's been the extent of my contact with her. As far as I know, there's no hard feelings on her end. But there's plenty on mine. I never said what I needed to. I initiated NC because I was reaching a point where I could no longer keep my angry feelings at bay. I knew things were about to get ugly really fast if I didn't force NC. The problem is, 10 months later, here I am still smoldering, and now I'm questioning the wisdom of my decision to go NC before letting this stuff out. I think its what I need to do in order to move on.

[C.Stein]

I can't seem to get past this need to contact her and get stuff off my chest. But I think you might be confusing me with someone else because I never followed through with contacting her, outside of politely telling her not to contact me. She's made a few attempts at contact, to which I responded via email reiterating that I no longer felt comfortable talking to her. I told her not to take it personally, and I wished her the best. That's been the extent of my contact with her. As far as I know, there's no hard feelings on her end. But there's plenty on mine. I never said what I needed to. I initiated NC because I was reaching a point where I could no longer keep my angry feelings at bay. I knew things were about to get ugly really fast if I didn't force NC. The problem is, 10 months later, here I am still smoldering, and now I'm questioning the wisdom of my decision to go NC before letting this stuff out. I think its what I need to do in order to move on.

My bad.  I thought she reached out to you to apologize because you finally had enough and contacted her.

Now here where it gets weird. I finally had enough and sent her a long email telling her how she was making me feel. Here is part of her response... .

"I am very sorry for all the pain I have caused. You are right, I have been very selfish recently. I have completely forgotten about other people's feelings and emotions. I have been under a lot of stress because of my upcoming test. Even though this is not an excuse, but please try to forgive me for taking advantage of your generosity. It is true that I have asked a lot of you and I will try to do my very best to lift that burden off your shoulders. Thank you very much for all your help, I truly appreciate that. I wish you could feel better and it seems that leaving you completely alone would be the best option for you. If I could make your life happier, I definitely would, but instead I have brought pain and destruction to your life. I am so sorry."

I can certainly understand the feeling of wanting to get stuff off your chest.  There are so many things I want to say to my ex, I want her to know the pain and despair I have felt as a result of things that occurred in our relationship and after I was thrown away.  I then realized her knowing doesn't accomplish anything because what I really want is her to acknowledge it, even if she doesn't think I am worthy of an apology.  Problem with this is she won't acknowledge it ... .she can't.  It is beyond her emotional intelligence to accept and acknowledge the impact her actions had on me.  She is simply incapable of giving me what I need and this is something I just have to find a way to accept.  Still working on that one.

Keep in mind, as you move through the stages of healing if you do send the email that will rip her to shreds (intentional or not), you will most likely find yourself at some point down the road wanting to release with dignity and grace, not with hate and anger.  This is what I mean by it never ends until you choose to end it.  There will always be something else to say ... .something more to get off your chest ... .it never stops until you choose to stop. 

I think perhaps what you can't see here is this driving need to email her is in essence letting her control you.  Don't forget to consider that angle as you ponder what to do here.   

[Nuitari]

My bad.  I thought she reached out to you to apologize because you finally had enough and contacted her.

I can see now how you misunderstood. That email you quoted above was sent to me before we went no contact. It was in response to my telling her how clinging on to me even though we had no more ties was making me feel uncomfortable. And despite that seemingly sincere apology and acknowledgement of her destructive behavior, nothing changed. She didn't leave me alone. She continued to ask more and more of me until I had nothing left to give and felt dead inside. I wonder now if these apologies of hers were ever sincere. A year later, I can look at these events from a distance and I'm seeing for the first time the extent of which I was used, like a tool. This is why I'm angry.

[Nuitari]

It finally happened. I was rushed to the ER last night with chest pains. I thought I was having a heart attack. I'm only in my thirties, and have a history of very good health. I've never been to the hospital a day in my life. But last night really freaked me out. I guess I overreacted, because it wasn't a heart attack. I was told it most likely an anxiety attack brought on by stress. My family has finally convinced me to see a therapist, so that is definitely happening. You know what my biggest worry was while I was on my way to hospital? What if I die before getting to vent my wrath at my ex? That's all I could think about. My family encouraged me not to do anything until beginning therapy, and I'm going to try my best to follow through with that. But last night really showed me what my priorities are and how important sending that letter is. Getting that job was the biggest honor of my life. There are no words that I can use here to express what that meant to me. That school had become my home, but I had no idea how much I was valued and appreciated by the college until I was offered the full-time position. I never felt a stronger sense of belonging. She came along and used me like an object, and I had to lose everything that mattered to me just so  she can satisfy her own temporary needs. And I did nothing but passively watch while she slowly unraveled my life. I'll never respect myself again until I confront her. At some point that is going to happen. I made that decision last night.

[C.Stein]

It finally happened. I was rushed to the ER last night with chest pains. I thought I was having a heart attack.

Join the crowd.  I was having chest pains intermittently throughout the last 6 months and following 2 months of my relationship.  I also finally ended up in the ER because I was exhibiting stroke symptoms.  Same prognosis ... .stress/anxiety.  Real wake up call heh?

[Nuitari]

It is so unfair that we have to deal with stuff like ER visits and therapy while they get to move on and never look back at the damaged they left in their wake. Sometimes I am very envious of them, the way they can just turn their feelings off.

[joeramabeme]

I think my reason for wanting to send the letter is a self-respect thing. Imagine that you're walking down the street, and someone approaches you and starts punching you as hard as they can, over and over, and you don't lift a finger to defend yourself. Not only do you not fight back, but you don't even tell them to stop it. Instead, like some kind of idiot, you keep a smile on your face the whole time that they're beating the crap out of you, and then they casually walk away leaving you a bloody heap lying in the street. How would that make you feel? I feel like this is what's been done to me.

Hi Nuitari

I still remember reading through your first posts.  I am not surprised that you are still struggling with all of this, very understandable.  But, it does seem like you have made some progress from the first posts, be sure to acknowledge that change in you. 

I can relate to your feelings and even empathize with you.  The problem for those of us that did not express/vent/act on our feelings at the time of the r/s is that any response we have now, is going to be seen as something of a non-sequitur, out of sync.  It would be analogous to a conductor that got up on stage with baton and started going through all the motions after the band had played and finished.  People outside would be looking at the conductor as if they had the problem. 

To me, this is one of the mistakes many of us made during the r/s.  For various reasons, we did not respond in sync with the music of the moment.  So we are left conducting a musical piece that is no longer playing or only playing inside our minds.  There are no words to describe that feeling that I can think of.  But I know the leftover is anger, hurt, betrayal etc. 

When it gets right down to it, we are left with the question of why we did not conduct while the music was playing.  Many of us learn the answer to that here so we never miss a chance again.  Yet it feels so unfair and incomplete. 

I used the conductor analogy as a way to convey that if you were to send a seething angry letter to your ex she would probably be somewhat dumbfounded by its timing.  Perhaps a letter that started with something like; it has been 1 year and I still have feelings for what we had, may be more appropriate and have some meaning.  Kind of like a conductor that writes to the band and says I still want to conduct.  That said, any letter written and send to your ex can start us on a slippery slope.  Perhaps it is a letter you write to yourself that expresses the deep hurt you feel versus the anger that is masking the pain.

I validate your feelings of anger, they are legitimate.  Try to express the hurt, it is much more valuable and will lead to forgiveness that will allow you to move on and potentially meet another.

Best wishes

JRB

[Nuitari]

joeramabeme,

Great post. You hit the nail on the head. I keep asking myself over and over why I failed to act on my feelings when the time was appropriate, and I have a lot anger and disappointment in myself about that failure. This was actually a recurring theme in our relationship. I always hesitate to act on my feelings, only to regret it later. It makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me. I always kept a calm smile on my face when I should have been furious. It is no wonder she had no respect for me when I showed no respect for myself. She must think I am such a joke. Ill-timed or not, I want her to see that side of me that I never had the balls to show. I feel like its the last remaining thing left undone, and I can't move on until I do that.

I still remember reading through your first posts.  I am not surprised that you are still struggling with all of this, very understandable.  But, it does seem like you have made some progress from the first posts, be sure to acknowledge that change in you.

I appreciate you reading through that ridiculously long post of mine. I think in some small ways I've made progress. I stopped blaming myself for failing in the relationship. What I've learned from reading people's stories here is that, when you're involved with a borderline, all roads lead to disaster. There was nothing I could have done. She was destined to make my life a living hell from the beginning. I've learned to accept that. I also remember saying somewhere in that first post that, despite everything, I wanted to be with her and would take her back without thinking twice. That's definitely not true anymore. I avoid her now like the plague have no desire to be with her. I'm finally free from that. Those are a couple of areas where I feel that I've made some progress.

[JerryRG]

Hey Nuitari

Just thought about your situation and mine as well, thinking this might help us both and I believe it's true.

"The best revenge is to live well.

Remember, you can't get ahead if you're trying to get even."

Not saying you're seeking revenge but this made sense to me.

[KarmasReal]

I can relate to having all these pent up feelings of anger, hurt, betrayal, sadness. I kept a calm, cool head at the end of my relationship too. I should have been angry then about things and I was but I didn't express it. I asked myself why and the answer came to me, if I was angry and hurt by everything my exBPD did to me or just in general I would have been nothing but angry and hurt most of our relationship. If I had been honest and forthright about her behavior and how it made me feel our relationship would have been over months ago because she was always doing things to hurt me or get under my skin. I still sit and wonder why a person would want to be in a relationship and love someone and then do nothing but push them, hurt them, antagonize them, and try to make them feel less then they should. Aren't relationships suppose to build people up not tear them down?