The Heartbreak of Just Pure Disappointment

[SoMuchPain]

Hey all.

It's been years.  I hate to be back, but here I am.

It happened ... .after 2 very healthy long-term relationships, the last of which ended due to complete geographical circumstance and sent me in a tailspin of heartbreak, I guess I rebounded and found myself back to Oz.  It's been so long since I've been in Oz, that I didn't even realize it was happening until about 3 months in. 

Anyway, it happened, and here I am after I broke up with her last month. 

I guess what I'm grappling with right now is just pure and sheer disappointment.  I don't chase pwBPD anymore.  I overdosed one too many times to know that is a drug that I just don't want to partake in.  Hell, this go around was a great learning experience for me, as I actually broke up with someone for the first time in my life and didn't beg for them back!  As soon as BPD reared it's ugly, familiar head, I punt kicked this like no other.

Doesn't mean it doesn't suck though.  I'm not heartbroken over my recent exBPD.  Who she is, is not someone I remotely want to be with for real.  What I'm heartbroken over is who I thought she was.  Who she was supposed to be.  Who she presented herself as.  And yes, the person she presented herself as still exists.  Obviously.  Otherwise none of us would be on here.  But soon enough we realized that if we wanted Jeckyll, we also had to have Hyde. 

Well I want nothing to do with any of the Hyde's of the world.  More power to anyone who does, but it's not me.  Been there numerous times, have wayyyy too many T-Shirts.  So, I lose my adorable Jeckyll, and try (more often than I'd like) to remind myself that Hyde existed (because I seem to be very forgetful of that for some reason).  That's also part of my heartbreak.  My forgetfulness.   :'(

[C.Stein]

I guess what I'm grappling with right now is just pure and sheer disappointment.

.

.

.

.

So, I lose my adorable Jeckyll, and try (more often than I'd like) to remind myself that Hyde existed (because I seem to be very forgetful of that for some reason).  That's also part of my heartbreak.  My forgetfulness. 

I feel your disappointment.   I think that is one of the things that gets me the most, the disappointment that she couldn't consistently be the person I fell in love with.  It is heart breaking to love someone so deeply and watch that dark side come out and taint and/or destroy everything that was good in the relationship.  I too find myself often having to remind myself of "Hyde" because I have a such a hard time accepting she can't control that side of her.

I know what you mean about being forgetful too.  In my past I have had relationships that led to enormous heartbreak and pain.  At the time I swore never again would I allow myself to be hurt like that.  Well here I am, broken like never before and while I didn't really forget the pain I didn't remember it like I should have.  I don't believe I will ever forget what I have experienced in the aftermath of a relationship with a borderline ... .but then everything fades with time.

What I can do however is learn more about myself, why I allow myself to get into these types of relationships.  If I learn this lesson then I can hopefully avoid the pain and find a partner that can provide the healthy mutually beneficial relationship I want.

[SoMuchPain]

What I can do however is learn more about myself, why I allow myself to get into these types of relationships.  If I learn this lesson then I can hopefully avoid the pain and find a partner that can provide the healthy mutually beneficial relationship I want.

True.  And while I don't know if I'll ever know exactly WHY I get in these types of relationships (probably because I'm a romance addict and I love the love-bombing at the beginning and can't see literally anything beyond that -- and then there would be the question as to WHY THAT is  ), what I have learned this time around (5 years later since my last intimate run-in with a pwBPD), is that I have gained an enormous amount of self-worth in that time.  

6 years ago I let a pwBPD almost drive me to putting my car through a median (seriously, I was that distraught).  5 years ago I broke up with one, but then as soon as she accepted the break up, I chased after her for months!  And actually got her back!  And then she burned me x1000 after that!

This time I said, oh, this isn't right.  Something is wrong here.  What is going on here?  Oh.  I'm being abused.  Oh.  I'm being adored again.  Ohhhh.

I set a boundary.  It was breached.  I set it again.  It was breached.  I ended it.

So.  Where did that get me?  Alone in my room tonight writing on a mental health forum .  But I'm okay with that.  I really am.  I've opened myself up to a future now with someone NOT-disordered (I have no idea when and if that future will be, but at least I'm available for it).  

I'm unsure I will ever stop attracting pwBPD.  I can't lie.  I like them.  A lot.  They intrigue me.  It's pretty much guaranteed that if I scan a room, and I am super attracted to someone, that might as well qualify as a DSM assessment.    The relationship that drove me to this website, and almost through a median ... .she's my best friend now.  Who'da thunk it.  (She went through MANY years of therapy after our relationship and if there's any chance of "overcoming" this disorder, she achieved it.  But she still has that "spunk" that only a life of PD can bring, and I love her for it.  )

But anyway, like I said, I probably can't stop attracting or being attracted to them.  But what I can do, is not pretend like I can make a life with them.  I know my limits.  My max tolerance on that particular type of behavior has proven to be about 5 months.  Yep, I like them a lot.  But I can't marry them.  I can remind myself of this whenever I am feeling lonely.  That, I can do.

[ScotisGone74]

I feel your pain Somuch, but it sounds like you are making progress.  It's similar to saying I got burned really bad by a hot stove a long time ago, so now when the stove gets to boiling I turn it off and step away.   

And looking at my past its alot like your s in that I seem to have a magnet pull toward Bpd types, I'm soft spoken and have had a high degree of bull___ tolerance up to this point so it comes natural, it doesn't hurt that some of these type women are charming and could make the cover of magazines.   But I do believe that in the end if you cannot trust them with your back turned  or to come through for that one time when we actually need something it will never work.   I believe true growth occurs when we take a serious introspection into our past relationships and history to see why we have tolerated these folks in our life and how we can change that moving forward.