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Author Topic: Attractive people get away with more  (Read 2467 times)
bAlex
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« on: June 21, 2016, 08:25:07 AM »

True, isn't it? I think if good looks wasn't a factor many of us guys wouldn't be here today.

Some of us, including me, went to some great (and painful) lengths, and put up with a lot of bs to keep the hot girl around. 'Cause let's face it, attractive people are kind of scarce, at least where there's mutual interest.

We wouldn't put up with this bs from other people so why should the hot girl get a free pass?

Solution, I think, is to simply find someone better looking. Why make this hard? I'm willing to bet money if a lingerie model walked up to some of us right now, and accepted us as partners, we wouldn't look back.

Just a thought...

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Wize
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« Reply #1 on: June 21, 2016, 09:42:07 AM »

True, isn't it? I think if good looks wasn't a factor many of us guys wouldn't be here today.

Some of us, including me, went to some great (and painful) lengths, and put up with a lot of bs to keep the hot girl around. 'Cause let's face it, attractive people are kind of scarce, at least where there's mutual interest.

We wouldn't put up with this bs from other people so why should the hot girl get a free pass?

Solution, I think, is to simply find someone better looking. Why make this hard? I'm willing to bet money if a lingerie model walked up to some of us right now, and accepted us as partners, we wouldn't look back.

Just a thought...

In relationships with pwBPD, the non can often end up looking for reasons to stay.  I know I did.  Things were so bad with me and my BPD wife that I had to rack my brain to figure out just exactly what I was getting out of this.  Well, having a hotty SO can be a very validating thing.  Someone you can show off, like a trophy.  A hot SO gives us a feeling of value.  Sort of like the guy who pulls up in front of the club in a ferrari.  Yeah, it's shallow, but it's real.
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« Reply #2 on: June 21, 2016, 11:27:00 AM »

i would flip this question around... .

1. why do you put this emphasis on physical attraction

2. why do you let anyone "give you bs"?

3. with #1 in mind, why is the solution to find someone better looking?
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« Reply #3 on: June 21, 2016, 11:29:35 AM »

Wise,

Exactly. It took me a while to be able to admit this to myself, but I think the single biggest factor was looks.

Strangely enough, admitting to this made things easier, not harder. Means she's replaceable.

There's an article on here about 10 limiting beliefs that hold us back from detaching. I think another one could be believing your ex was the hottest girl in the world or believing she's the prettiest girl you'll ever get. It's complete BS. She's not.
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« Reply #4 on: June 21, 2016, 11:33:53 AM »

Strangely enough, admitting to this made things easier, not harder. Means she's replaceable.

it also might suggest you see others looks as an extension of you. the solution probably has more to do with addressing that than "hot or not".
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« Reply #5 on: June 21, 2016, 11:45:29 AM »

Means she's replaceable.

bAlex, I get where you're coming from, and I know I've told myself all kinds of things to try to detach from my ex. So I mean no disrespect when I say this, but training yourself to think of your SO as replaceable is no path to relationship happiness. You'll never be trustworthy and never trust your SO if you think of her as replaceable. It's cliche, but true, in my opinion -- to be happy in a relationship necessarily means trusting and being vulnerable. Most of us here got burned so bad that we spend a lot of time talking ourselves into putting up walls going forward. Fine for casual relationships, but it won't help if you're looking for a meaningful longterm relationship.

My ex was gorgeous and tall, with legs for miles. But it wasn't her looks that were so addictive -- it was her overflowing personality, so comfortable as the centre of attention, so funny, so much fun to be around. And when she was on like that, and my girl, it felt amazing, whether we were in a group or just the two of us. If it were just her looks that I was so attracted to, it would have been much easier to walk away. But that combination of looks and the wild, fun, happy personality ... .I still ache just thinking of it.

It's not worth the rage and jealousy and dishonesty that were its dark side, though. And now I would truly rather be with someone I can trust and build something stable with than someone that hot. Absolutely, I'll miss the good times and sometimes I'll crave them. But what I want to get rid of is that desperate, punch-in-the-gut kind of craving that I still have for those good times. I'd rather find a way to live without the craving than to try chasing satisfaction for it.
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bAlex
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« Reply #6 on: June 21, 2016, 11:59:45 AM »

i would flip this question around... .

1. why do you put this emphasis on physical attraction

2. why do you let anyone "give you bs"?

3. with #1 in mind, why is the solution to find someone better looking?

1. Who doesn't? Guys want a pretty girl, that's usually enough for someone to develop feelings later on towards that person, and enough to make them stay. I've seen it over and over, 1st thing guys mention here is how pretty the girl was. Women know it too hence makeup and sexy clothing.

2. I don't, that's the point. I put up with her bs in order to keep her around. Like the title says, we tend to be more forgiving to attractive people.

3. Because if you're stuck on the idea that she's the prettiest girl you'll ever get, like a lot of guys are, but don't admit, you're gonna be in for a rough time. If you have beautiful women falling at your feet would you care to lose a single one?
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bAlex
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« Reply #7 on: June 21, 2016, 12:02:25 PM »

Strangely enough, admitting to this made things easier, not harder. Means she's replaceable.

it also might suggest you see others looks as an extension of you. the solution probably has more to do with addressing that than "hot or not".

I don't think so, as men we do put a lot of emphasis on looks. It's not uncommon.
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« Reply #8 on: June 21, 2016, 12:13:53 PM »

I'm not being mean about my friend but he is no looker really; never was in his younger days and isnt much now.  In fact when he first approached me I thought he was ugly and had zero interest in him. However it's his charm that gets the women, he was never short of females, not sure if still gets as much attention these days.  His charm is what won me over, not his looks.
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« Reply #9 on: June 21, 2016, 12:14:29 PM »

It's no secret that our culture places a lot of emphasis on looks and, as you say, we men are attracted to beautiful women. It's also no secret that relationships built around physical attraction tend to be unstable -- so long as they lack the foundation necessary for a  healthy longterm relationship, in particular trust, some common interests, mutual respect, etc.

It's really a question of what you're looking for. There's obviously nothing wrong with wanting to have a partner you find hot, sexy, beautiful. But if you're looking for a fulfilling longterm relationship, and thinking "I need a really hot woman to make me feel good, or to show people how well I'm doing, or ... ." then you're letting insecurities guide you, and those are what are going to cause you pain, not the presence or absence of a hot-enough partner.
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bAlex
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« Reply #10 on: June 21, 2016, 12:17:58 PM »

Means she's replaceable.

bAlex, I get where you're coming from, and I know I've told myself all kinds of things to try to detach from my ex. So I mean no disrespect when I say this, but training yourself to think of your SO as replaceable is no path to relationship happiness. You'll never be trustworthy and never trust your SO if you think of her as replaceable. It's cliche, but true, in my opinion -- to be happy in a relationship necessarily means trusting and being vulnerable. Most of us here got burned so bad that we spend a lot of time talking ourselves into putting up walls going forward. Fine for casual relationships, but it won't help if you're looking for a meaningful longterm relationship.

My ex was gorgeous and tall, with legs for miles. But it wasn't her looks that were so addictive -- it was her overflowing personality, so comfortable as the centre of attention, so funny, so much fun to be around. And when she was on like that, and my girl, it felt amazing, whether we were in a group or just the two of us. If it were just her looks that I was so attracted to, it would have been much easier to walk away. But that combination of looks and the wild, fun, happy personality ... .I still ache just thinking of it.

It's not worth the rage and jealousy and dishonesty that were its dark side, though. And now I would truly rather be with someone I can trust and build something stable with than someone that hot. Absolutely, I'll miss the good times and sometimes I'll crave them. But what I want to get rid of is that desperate, punch-in-the-gut kind of craving that I still have for those good times. I'd rather find a way to live without the craving than to try chasing satisfaction for it.

Hi, I didn't perceive it as disrespectful at all and I do get your point. Point is if you think after the relationship she's irreplaceable, where does that leave you?

OK, but would you still love everything about her if she was 600lbs overweight? Would you accept the abuse then?

Sure it's a combination of things that make them attractive, but to me, and I'm guessing a lot of guys too, the looks part played a very significant role.

All that you've described I can find in a female friend as well, I probably don't even need to look very hard to find someone with those characteristics. But without the looks to trigger attraction it's just not gonna happen.
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« Reply #11 on: June 21, 2016, 12:20:06 PM »

physical attraction is important to both sexes, yes. how important? enough to go to great pains and lengths to keep them around for that reason?

i wouldnt over generalize here... .its a given members found their exes physically attractive. the hooks were different for all of us, ranging from sex, the emotional connection/soulmate quality, the mirroring, the drama/familiarity, our own fear of abandonment, many, many more.

your exes looks were clearly one as youve expressed before, and thats understandable, i was very drawn to my exes looks. i think its worth exploring further if you want to go on and have healthier relationships.

If you have beautiful women falling at your feet would you care to lose a single one?

I'm willing to bet money if a lingerie model walked up to some of us right now, and accepted us as partners, we wouldn't look back.

you seem to have arrived at the idea that the solution to what pains you is to simply find another beautiful woman. you dont make mention of this hypothetical womans personality, her qualities, what she can bring to the relationship, the hypothetical bond, just that if she were more beautiful youd apparently enter into a relationship with no reservations.

is this really the lesson? what has changed? if you entered into a relationship with, and accepted bad behavior from someone that was beautiful, because they were beautiful, im not sure what the difference would be with the lingerie model.

healthy relationships are built on lots of things, not least of which are trust and intimacy which are built slowly and over time. were those things present in your relationship? do you desire them in future relationships?
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« Reply #12 on: June 21, 2016, 12:24:15 PM »

I'm not being mean about my friend but he is no looker really; never was in his younger days and isnt much now.  In fact when he first approached me I thought he was ugly and had zero interest in him. However it's his charm that gets the women, he was never short of females, not sure if still gets as much attention these days.  His charm is what won me over, not his looks.

Granted, but it's not always something that goes both ways with men and women. Guys just place more emphasis on looks, women tend not to. From what I've seen, women prefer status, charm, confidence, strength etc. over looks any day.
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bAlex
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« Reply #13 on: June 21, 2016, 12:26:41 PM »

It's no secret that our culture places a lot of emphasis on looks and, as you say, we men are attracted to beautiful women. It's also no secret that relationships built around physical attraction tend to be unstable -- so long as they lack the foundation necessary for a  healthy longterm relationship, in particular trust, some common interests, mutual respect, etc.

It's really a question of what you're looking for. There's obviously nothing wrong with wanting to have a partner you find hot, sexy, beautiful. But if you're looking for a fulfilling longterm relationship, and thinking "I need a really hot woman to make me feel good, or to show people how well I'm doing, or ... ." then you're letting insecurities guide you, and those are what are going to cause you pain, not the presence or absence of a hot-enough partner.

I totally agree.
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« Reply #14 on: June 21, 2016, 01:00:40 PM »

bAlex, I think I follow you better now - you're more making a point that you see as true for most people in our culture. Is that it? In that case, I agree up to a point. For sure, most of us are drawn into romantic relationships first because of being physically attracted to our new partner. But I can honestly say that for me it's never just a question of "hot" or not. And I'm not sure I'd be interested in any kind of relationship with a lingerie model. It all depends whether the physical attraction includes whatever that spark is that draws you to someone - not just that you find them beautiful, but also click in terms of sense of humour or some shared interest or a conversation that somehow leaves you intrigued, or whatever. Of course, a beautiful woman will turn my head. But that really doesn't go very far in terms of relationship interest without something else to spark a connection.

As for my ex, I do think she's irreplaceable. I think I would be lying to myself to say otherwise. It's a particularly intense feeling with her, but I'd say I have the same feeling about all my past significant relationships. That's what makes closing the door so hard. That particular world my ex and I created - the inside jokes, the nicknames, the laughter, the sexual connection, going running together, the way we'd find places to make out at work like teenagers, the deep wounds we inflicted, ... .I will never step foot in that world again. It's absolutely irreplaceable. Facing up to that hurts. But it doesn't mean I'll spend my life regretting it. It means I'll mourn it, work through all the pain this relationship has brought to the surface, and look to build a healthier relationship with someone else who will no doubt be irreplaceable, and maybe even last longterm. You can call that "replacing" and I understand the point, but I don't see it that way because I really have had to let go of a world that I shared with my ex and that I'll never get back. It's a matter of accepting that and moving forward, for me. Easier said than done, I'll admit.
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bAlex
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« Reply #15 on: June 21, 2016, 01:15:12 PM »

physical attraction is important to both sexes, yes. how important? enough to go to great pains and lengths to keep them around for that reason?

i wouldnt over generalize here... .its a given members found their exes physically attractive. the hooks were different for all of us, ranging from sex, the emotional connection/soulmate quality, the mirroring, the drama/familiarity, our own fear of abandonment, many, many more.

your exes looks were clearly one as youve expressed before, and thats understandable, i was very drawn to my exes looks. i think its worth exploring further if you want to go on and have healthier relationships.

If you have beautiful women falling at your feet would you care to lose a single one?

I'm willing to bet money if a lingerie model walked up to some of us right now, and accepted us as partners, we wouldn't look back.

you seem to have arrived at the idea that the solution to what pains you is to simply find another beautiful woman. you dont make mention of this hypothetical womans personality, her qualities, what she can bring to the relationship, the hypothetical bond, just that if she were more beautiful youd apparently enter into a relationship with no reservations.

is this really the lesson? what has changed? if you entered into a relationship with, and accepted bad behavior from someone that was beautiful, because they were beautiful, im not sure what the difference would be with the lingerie model.

healthy relationships are built on lots of things, not least of which are trust and intimacy which are built slowly and over time. were those things present in your relationship? do you desire them in future relationships?

I like your reply, you gave me much to consider.

Yes I do think all the things you mention are important as well, obviously.

If we're so accustomed to being surrounded by beautiful women why would we pick the most damaged one? We wouldn't.

If we have so many options with great women, why settle for someone that makes your life hell? You wouldn't.

**I'll tell you why, It's because we don't have that many options. Lack of options really. And that is something you certainly can change, and that will actually give you the freedom to choose a partner that's both beautiful to you and trustworthy, fun, affectionate, loving, forgiving etc. **

I settled for the screwed up hot girl. And I wonder what went wrong? I shouldn't. Realistically I just didn't have the option to rather go with the mentally stable hot girl. No such person was available to me. And that's why I put up with the crap.

Not trying to generalise here, but it's true for many.

difference with the lingerie model is she doesn't have BP and she's got a great personality

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bAlex
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« Reply #16 on: June 21, 2016, 01:28:23 PM »

bAlex, I think I follow you better now - you're more making a point that you see as true for most people in our culture. Is that it? In that case, I agree up to a point. For sure, most of us are drawn into romantic relationships first because of being physically attracted to our new partner. But I can honestly say that for me it's never just a question of "hot" or not. And I'm not sure I'd be interested in any kind of relationship with a lingerie model. It all depends whether the physical attraction includes whatever that spark is that draws you to someone - not just that you find them beautiful, but also click in terms of sense of humour or some shared interest or a conversation that somehow leaves you intrigued, or whatever. Of course, a beautiful woman will turn my head. But that really doesn't go very far in terms of relationship interest without something else to spark a connection.

As for my ex, I do think she's irreplaceable. I think I would be lying to myself to say otherwise. It's a particularly intense feeling with her, but I'd say I have the same feeling about all my past significant relationships. That's what makes closing the door so hard. That particular world my ex and I created - the inside jokes, the nicknames, the laughter, the sexual connection, going running together, the way we'd find places to make out at work like teenagers, the deep wounds we inflicted, ... .I will never step foot in that world again. It's absolutely irreplaceable. Facing up to that hurts. But it doesn't mean I'll spend my life regretting it. It means I'll mourn it, work through all the pain this relationship has brought to the surface, and look to build a healthier relationship with someone else who will no doubt be irreplaceable, and maybe even last longterm. You can call that "replacing" and I understand the point, but I don't see it that way because I really have had to let go of a world that I shared with my ex and that I'll never get back. It's a matter of accepting that and moving forward, for me. Easier said than done, I'll admit.

Yes, that's pretty much what it comes down to. Some guys think they can make a trade (or let them get away with stuff) by putting up with her bs, cause she's hot and the sex is good. If she wasn't and we actually had better options we wouldn't stick around.
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« Reply #17 on: June 21, 2016, 01:33:33 PM »

I'm not being mean about my friend but he is no looker really; never was in his younger days and isnt much now.  In fact when he first approached me I thought he was ugly and had zero interest in him. However it's his charm that gets the women, he was never short of females, not sure if still gets as much attention these days.  His charm is what won me over, not his looks.

Granted, but it's not always something that goes both ways with men and women. Guys just place more emphasis on looks, women tend not to. From what I've seen, women prefer status, charm, confidence, strength etc. over looks any day.

Hmmm interesting.  My friend was exciting in our youth, he was a bad boy.  However he has mellowed loads; doesn't do drugs, doesn't drink or smoke, doesn't even drink too much coffee and eats well.  Pretty boring lifestyle to the man I used to know.  He is however an actor, not a big time one but he has been on TV and in some small budget films and one blockbuster.  Guess what; I don't care that he's an actor; the pull for me is his beautiful soul, the way he made me feel alive.  He has literally NOTHING to offer me but that doesn't worry me.  It's not what he looks like or what he has that attracts me to him its lliterally who he is that I find attractive.  He is gorgeous to me just as he is.   Shame he can't accept that.
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« Reply #18 on: June 21, 2016, 02:14:21 PM »

i understand your point, and youre right. there is no shortage of men who will tolerate abusive treatment because of looks, or even because they believe they cant do better, or dont deserve better... .either with regard to looks, or in general.

the attitude may stem from more than a lack of options. it might even stem from ourselves limiting our own options. ive dismissed too many healthy women as "boring", or something fairly superficial that was really about me and my own unhealthy way of relating to the opposite sex. thats (partly) why i chose who i chose.

a million dollars, being surrounded by beautiful women, while id hesitate to complain, im sure you know these things are not the keys to a persons happiness. some of the least happy people in the world have both.
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« Reply #19 on: June 21, 2016, 02:15:31 PM »

Yes, in regards to men with BPD it's that charm along with good looks that hooks you. In the beginning feeling so LUCKY that this cute guy who tells you that you are the best thing... .the level of attraction is so intense you can't describe it. You think,yes, this gorgeous guy has lots of problems and issues but he has all these women "friends" who want to be with him.

If he doesn't think he's attractive, it ends up making him more attractive somehow.
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« Reply #20 on: June 21, 2016, 02:26:28 PM »

Sure, you might put up with more from an attractive person, but that's not the whole story when it comes to being "hooked." A person with a desperate need to be loved is motivated to be make him/herself charming and attractive. To compound that: pwBPD are usually driven to make emotional connections quickly, and a person you connect with emotionally will seem more attractive.

Furthermore, choosing from a buffet of romantically available underwear models might not be possible for everyone, and on that basis alone it seems like a dodgy detachment strategy. Though I assume you were kidding.
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« Reply #21 on: June 21, 2016, 02:44:22 PM »

i understand your point, and youre right. there is no shortage of men who will tolerate abusive treatment because of looks, or even because they believe they cant do better, or dont deserve better... .either with regard to looks, or in general.

the attitude may stem from more than a lack of options. it might even stem from ourselves limiting our own options. ive dismissed too many healthy women as "boring", or something fairly superficial that was really about me and my own unhealthy way of relating to the opposite sex. thats (partly) why i chose who i chose.

a million dollars, being surrounded by beautiful women, while id hesitate to complain, im sure you know these things are not the keys to a persons happiness. some of the least happy people in the world have both.

You said it better than I could.

I agree, It might not hold the key to happiness, but neither does being walked all over, dumped, and ending up alone.
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« Reply #22 on: June 21, 2016, 02:54:18 PM »

Yes, in regards to men with BPD it's that charm along with good looks that hooks you. In the beginning feeling so LUCKY that this cute guy who tells you that you are the best thing... .the level of attraction is so intense you can't describe it. You think,yes, this gorgeous guy has lots of problems and issues but he has all these women "friends" who want to be with him.

If he doesn't think he's attractive, it ends up making him more attractive somehow.

That's pretty much how I felt in the beginning, lucky. Couldn't actually believe she thought so highly of me, she could've had any guy she wanted.
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« Reply #23 on: June 21, 2016, 03:19:22 PM »

Sure, you might put up with more from an attractive person, but that's not the whole story when it comes to being "hooked." A person with a desperate need to be loved is motivated to be make him/herself charming and attractive. To compound that: pwBPD are usually driven to make emotional connections quickly, and a person you connect with emotionally will seem more attractive.

Furthermore, choosing from a buffet of romantically available underwear models might not be possible for everyone, and on that basis alone it seems like a dodgy detachment strategy. Though I assume you were kidding.

Yes I agree, it might not be the whole story, but for me it was a big part of it. And frankly "looks" was the last thing that kept me hooked.
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« Reply #24 on: June 21, 2016, 03:23:04 PM »

a person you connect with emotionally will seem more attractive.

So true! How many times have any of us looked at one of our exes and wondered, "Geez! What was I thinking?"
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« Reply #25 on: June 21, 2016, 03:41:35 PM »

Some guys think they can make a trade (or let them get away with stuff) by putting up with her bs, cause she's hot and the sex is good. If she wasn't and we actually had better options we wouldn't stick around.

Better options?  My stbx wife is a smokin' hot lawyer with tons of dough.  My better option was to be away from her and the abuse and stop wasting my life in a relationship that was sick and detrimental to me. A better option doesn't mean another person, it means a healthier situation. I could have stayed and I could have continued to enjoy the superficial benefits of our relationship.  But my life is worth more than that.  I deserve to be in a healthy relationship with someone who isn't mentally ill. 
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« Reply #26 on: June 21, 2016, 03:56:50 PM »

Hi bAlex-

I think you've hit the nail on the head. People are wired to be attracted to particular physical traits. I know for myself that since I fall below the usual standard in terms of looks, my options are limited. When I have been in romantic relationships, it has always come down to deciding between dealing with cheating, raging, etc and being alone. It wasn't until I began to accept the way the dating world works that I was able to feel better about it. Having a romantic relationship is a privilege, not a right. I no more deserve a relationship than I deserve to play professional basketball, although if I was taller a basketball career might be more likely. Just like if I was better looking, a romantic relationship might be more likely.
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bAlex
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« Reply #27 on: June 21, 2016, 04:12:31 PM »

Some guys think they can make a trade (or let them get away with stuff) by putting up with her bs, cause she's hot and the sex is good. If she wasn't and we actually had better options we wouldn't stick around.

Better options?  My stbx wife is a smokin' hot lawyer with tons of dough.  My better option was to be away from her and the abuse and stop wasting my life in a relationship that was sick and detrimental to me. A better option doesn't mean another person, it means a healthier situation. I could have stayed and I could have continued to enjoy the superficial benefits of our relationship.  But my life is worth more than that.  I deserve to be in a healthy relationship with someone who isn't mentally ill. 

Of course you deserve that. By better option I was specifically referring to a better partner, physically and mentally. It can be hard for some people to find someone who has both those traits.

Think about it though, healthy women are all around us, if healthy is all we're after it shouldn't be hard to find right? It's not the first thing we look for in a mate.
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bAlex
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« Reply #28 on: June 21, 2016, 04:20:56 PM »

Hi bAlex-

I think you've hit the nail on the head. People are wired to be attracted to particular physical traits. I know for myself that since I fall below the usual standard in terms of looks, my options are limited. When I have been in romantic relationships, it has always come down to deciding between dealing with cheating, raging, etc and being alone. It wasn't until I began to accept the way the dating world works that I was able to feel better about it. Having a romantic relationship is a privilege, not a right. I no more deserve a relationship than I deserve to play professional basketball, although if I was taller a basketball career might be more likely. Just like if I was better looking, a romantic relationship might be more likely.

Well the good news is that you can change your situation, so can I, and I plan to. I'm raising my standards, anyone in my future has to be better than my ex in every way and I won't settle for less. The fact that you attracted someone to your liking in the past should be enough proof that you have what it takes to do it again.
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boatman
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« Reply #29 on: June 21, 2016, 07:54:42 PM »

Excerpt
Hi bAlex-

I think you've hit the nail on the head. People are wired to be attracted to particular physical traits. I know for myself that since I fall below the usual standard in terms of looks, my options are limited. When I have been in romantic relationships, it has always come down to deciding between dealing with cheating, raging, etc and being alone. It wasn't until I began to accept the way the dating world works that I was able to feel better about it. Having a romantic relationship is a privilege, not a right. I no more deserve a relationship than I deserve to play professional basketball, although if I was taller a basketball career might be more likely. Just like if I was better looking, a romantic relationship might be more likely.

Well the good news is that you can change your situation, so can I, and I plan to. I'm raising my standards, anyone in my future has to be better than my ex in every way and I won't settle for less. The fact that you attracted someone to your liking in the past should be enough proof that you have what it takes to do it again.

I've attracted people that I like physically, but they had abhorrent personalities. I thought that was the premise of your post, that many people accept poor behavior because of good looks. I'm sorry if I misunderstood.

What are you going to do to change your situation?
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