Informing a relative...good idea or not?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Since our separation closing in on 2 years, and now having concrete knowledge the exBPD is getting worse.  I've thought about telling her sil.  She is a grounded woman, and knows the ex has issues.  Being that the sil is very involved with the children of the ex, and she knows there is something, just not what.  I was wondering  what some of you may have experienced in this area?  Yes, I'm confident the sil would never disclose her knowledge, only use it to help educate herself to be able to better navigate those turbulent waters.  I've thought about it and really don't see any obvious pitfalls.  Am I blind to any you all may see? 

Thanks in advance for the feedback 

[drained1996]

Since our separation closing in on 2 years, and now having concrete knowledge the exBPD is getting worse.  I've thought about telling her sil.  She is a grounded woman, and knows the ex has issues.  Being that the sil is very involved with the children of the ex, and she knows there is something, just not what.  I was wondering  what some of you may have experienced in this area?  Yes, I'm confident the sil would never disclose her knowledge, only use it to help educate herself to be able to better navigate those turbulent waters.  I've thought about it and really don't see any obvious pitfalls.  Am I blind to any you all may see? 

Thanks in advance for the feedback 

[Meili]

What would be your motivation for talking to her sil about it?

[drained1996]

So she can understand some of the nuances of the illness and be better prepared to help navigate the exBPD and her children through difficulties.  She's stuck in it, so I thought of her as the most obvious option.

[once removed]

usually id say "not".

in this case id ask: what is your relationship with the SIL like, and why?

[drained1996]

We were not that close, but she was always looked to when there was drama that involved the children.  Again, I'll reiterate she knows something is off about the exBPD and that she was in counseling.  She's been involved and seen a good number of severe dysregulation incidents.  I know her well enough to fully trust she would only use this for her knowledge to put her in a better position to help in times of need. 

[Mutt]

Hi drained1996,

I don't think that there's a right or wrong answer. Follow your instincts, if you think it'll help her cope with your ex and the kids.

[drained1996]

Thanks Mutt, that was my original line of thinking.  That and I really do not see where it could harm anything.

[joeramabeme]

drained1969, I would tread cautiously here.  Though the SIL may be aware and seemingly on board, family systems have a mobile quality about them.  When one of the pieces moves position, the whole system moves to counter balance.  If it were me, I would take thi sin piecemeal steps and allow time for the sil to digest pieces of information versus stating the entire picture all at once.  Even if sil takes it well and acts in what seems a helpful manner, it may still turnaround and come back in unanticipated ways.

Let us know what you do!

JRB

[Herodias]

I would say use caution as well. My exes family knows he has issues. They don't want to deal with it anymore. They don't want to hear any bad. They may not even believe you. I think you would be better off just saying that you believe her to have BPD and let her decide what to do with it. Don't go into the whole thing... .sometimes we are closer to knowing the real side of them they don't show anyone else. Other people don't see all of the inside stuff we do. Good luck... .

[drained1996]

I thank you all for your input!  I'm really not in a place to have repercussions at this point, none that would really bother me anyway.  The sil will be fine with the knowledge as she already knows there is a major issue.  I think it will help her understand and navigate things better for her, the pwBPD and the kids.  It's a no lose situation in my mind.  She takes the knowledge and uses it wisely... .or what... .does hell get hotter for that family?  It's already burning, I'm just offering some water.

[drained1996]

Oh, I'm simply going to tell the SIL the diagnosis, suggest she google it and read up on the illness.  I'm also going to refer her to this website... .after she reads the generic information.  I'll offer to be there if she has any questions in the future or if she needs some insight from my experiences.  I'm guessing that will happen little to none... .but I'm certainly willing to do that for the SIL.  I simply see no bad that could come from this.  I see hope that someone on the inside can at least understand and help a little.  And all involved can definitely use help. 

[snowwhite]

I do not know your family situation but have had some very bad come out of informing people that a family member was mentally ill. But I would do it anyway. In the future when they are searching because the information is critical, they will have a starting point and will not be spending weeks in a bookstore and months talking with people like I did before someone pointed me in the correct direction. Also, she can, if she chooses, look for examples of the behavior in the children. The earlier people get help, the better the outcome.

But there can be a risk. I have gotten around that at times by emailing anonymously. It does not give them a reason to believe you, but the information is in their head. BPD is not well known.