How to reach out in this new scenario

[cherryblossom]

 *Hi!

I need quick advice pls as not something i want to sit on and my t is away now for 2 weeks. I have already had my dession this week.

I work in mental health and unfortunately a chap me and my colleague joint worked with who was v unwell (psychotic)and resisted treatment has died in a horrific way - most likely to have been suicide.

It has made me reflect on my ex differently and how even though he treated me badly that he is a whole person and there is or was good there and i dont want any angry words i may have said to him when i found out he was with someone else to torture him.

I know im being affected by what has happened. I want to say to him something like - "I'm not sorry for my feelings but i am sorry for the bombardment of messages going back. I genuinely wish u well. U were very special to me"

I really dont care if he thinks im wet or sad or pathetic for reaching out or if it ruins a chance to get back with him

This is not about getting a  2nd chance with him

This is me genuinely transcending the bs and acknowldging he is a human being that i cared for deeply. We are both adults who have been recovering from difficult childhoods. It upsets me as I dont want to add to the negativity he must feel. I'm seeking help so ive got the moral highground here. I know what he did to me was awful but I know it was triggered by a disorder that he is only just beginning to understand.

I know at some point he will start to feel guilty about what he has done. He is a good person deep down.

I love him  - i always will on some level even when i meet someone else

I just want him to b at peace - that's all i ever wanted for him and me and hoped we could find that together xxx

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HEY CHERRYBLOSSOM:



Was the person who died a patient/client or a coworker?  When someone we know dies, it can really make us think about things in our lives. 

One thing to do is to journal a "forgiveness letter" in whatever format works for you.  At this point, don't contact your ex, just write out your thoughts.  Then, maybe step back and review some of your more recent posts here and refresh your memory of your thoughts and frustrations over the last several weeks.

I think I read that you are in NC with your ex right now?  Sometimes documenting our thought helps us work through our immediate emotions.  You can approach it from a couple of angles.  Forgive yourself, for what you regret saying, or ask your ex for forgiveness (or both).

So many times, I've written out my emotions.  I've drafted letters that I've never mailed and email drafts that I've never sent (with everything but the "to" filled in, to prevent sending by accident).  After a couple of days, I generally find that I'm so glad I didn't send/mail what I wrote.  The process of preparing something as if I was going to send (but not actually send), can be very beneficial.  You can always choose to send it after a few days or weeks.  Maybe you could draft out your forgiveness letter and discuss it with your therapist before deciding to send it or contact your ex in any way at this time.

[livednlearned]

Hi CB,

Your heart is open and you feel empathy after a long time grieving the end of a difficult and important relationship. The tragic death of someone you knew has resonated in a way that allows you to see your ex's disorder separate from the man, and this can be a relief after carrying resentment.

What comes to mind for me is the book The Buddha and the Borderline by Kiera van Gelder. She documents her experience with BPD so intimately and eloquently that it forever changed how I see the disorder. She humanizes what had, until then, felt like a very clinical way of understanding BPD for me.

You want to do something right away and it sounds like you are ready to do so without expecting anything in return. If you wanted to sit with the urge for a while, and at the same time investigate this empathy you are feeling, Kiera's book may be a good place to pause and soak in what you're feeling. For me it gave me greater empathy while also making me grieve the various closed doors in my failed relationship. Each person is unique, the manifestation of their BPD symptoms are unique, we are unique in our relationship dynamic, and their journey to recovery is unique, if there is to be a journey at all.

I do not have a sense one way or another if there are repercussions to reaching out, only that this is a precious moment and acting on it will create a chain reaction of some kind. What does dwelling here in this space longer give you? What does acting quickly do?

Naughty Nibbler has a good suggestion, too. What do you think about writing a letter and soaking in these emotions you're feeling?

[cherryblossom]

Thank you both so much for prompt responses

It was a client -who in some ways reminded me of ex in terms of denial

I really don't think I can wait until therapist is back and I really don't know if I can write a whole letter asking for forgiveness -I dont know that I have enough material -it feels like i need to act and process the consequences afterwards-the thought of dwelling provokes anxiety -but think this is because I'm cut up and shocked over what has happened.

-part of me did think when chatting to my sis just now -actually he doesn't or hasn't given a f if I committed suicide over us splitting (but he has ways of keeping tabs on me if he really wanted ) -but I guess this is selfish this is about me and really believing I have definitely done all I can to give the message that I genuinely care because I genuinely do even after all -maybe I have a major malfunction or maybe Im just a human having an authentic human experience -I genuinely loved the guy so that is not going to change overnight

I just want to say something like:

Hi i just wanted to say i cannot apologise for my feelings, but I am sorry for the way i bombarded you with angry texts at the end of our relationship. I know logically you were struggling with issues. I do wish you all the best x

I realised today we still have each other on whatsapp and i realised that he is still using whatsapp -so was thinking of sending it on that

The only pathway back to me is the road less travelled -I am adamant on that -he would need to show commitment to recovery by action -I am 98 per cent sure this will never happen -there are many closed doors in our connection -but for me the love still remains -we had very precious times together -many truly beautiful moments -if he doesn't seek help i genuinely fear for his life -this event has shaken me to my core as if i couldn't be anymore! If I am not truly awake and in the light from all this I don't know what will make me be!

If he doesn't acknowledge the text or reply etc... .so be it -I don't want him to be emotionally manipulated by letting him know that I have experienced death and it made me contact him -if anything whatever happens will give me more material to learn and grow from

I really cannot see what sitting on this will do - an out the ordinary crazy event has happened that was instant -no chance for me to be prepared -it makes me feel like a quick response will suit-just makes me realise how quickly things change in  life and u do need to let people you love know u care or else u'd regret it

u know ive been toying with reaching out and i think u guys and my therapist have been very good at encouraging me to really think about that and I realise that ive been wanting to reach out to end the pain but without serious thought to consequences -this feels much different i can genuinely say this is not about trying to repair a trauma bond and have that drug crazy love back this is genuine unconditional love -no strings attached -and it feels healing xxx

[cherryblossom]

and i realise i contradicted myself a bit back there by saying sending the message feels selfish to make myself feel better but typing and feeling and processing that last post I came to an overall feeling of compassion but I do also get this need to send it to show I care and that bit feels selfish -but I deny anyone else to feel different in this scenario

Damn i got  a lot to process over this scenario -mixed up guilt feelings / compassion

[cherryblossom]

what if he died tonight and i didn't send it?

could i live with that?

how have i managed to live since the s hit the fan?

I feel the s hit the fan many many years ago back to my childhood and I've been coping with that ever since -its a non stop roller-coster

typical the therapist is away for 2 weeks now

i have a debrief with psychologist tommorrow thankfully -will help me untangle things a bit

one things for sure it's making me more determined to sort my emotional health out once and for all and never give up on that 

[cherryblossom]

It makes me realise having a job like I do, the importance of a stable loving man to come home to

[cherryblossom]

i will sit on it few more days -am worried im getting caught up in guilt -and there would be so many factors in a suicide / death by misadventure not just one small part -his pain was not caused by me - it was there a long long time before -im self righteous for even thinking i even still mean anything to him at all now anyway -who knows?

[Naughty Nibbler]

I genuinely loved the guy so that is not going to change overnight

Do you see it as a matter of evolving from "being in love" to just "loving him".  You don't have to have a relationship with him or be in contact with him to still have another form of love for him.

what if he died tonight and i didn't send it?

What makes you think that he believed everything you said and it perhaps hurt him deeply?  As part of your journaling, you might want to get specific with a list of the hurtful things you said. 

i.e.  Please forgive me for saying "_____________________".  I was angry and didn't mean it.  The reality is ________________

Did he ever say hurtful things about you?  If he did, have you reconciled it in your mind and made peace with what he may have said?

If the situation were reversed, what do you think he might ask forgiveness for?

It makes me realize having a job like I do, the importance of a stable loving man to come home to

Both my parents passed recently, and I spent a 6-month period where every day, I visited either a hospital or a skilled nursing facility to visit a parent.  I grew to appreciate the stress that people who work in many health care situations have to go through.  I can see how valuable it can be to come home to a comforting and supportive situation.

Typical, the therapist is away for 2 weeks now  . . .I have a debrief with psychologist tomorrow thankfully -will help me untangle things a bit. . . .one things for sure it's making me more determined to sort my emotional health out once and for all and never give up on that

Hope the debrief situation gives you some extra support right now. 

[cherryblossom]

thanks i'll try these things -2bh i still love him in every way possible it's so bloody confusing - i feel like the only way to get over him is meeting sum1 else but i don't want to rush into that

i will report back with what i write / discover / feel over next few days

do i wish him all the best ? i dont wish him to die by his own hands/destruction that's for sure -i think the not knowing anything about his current situation is difficult - i think i need to read that stop caretaking the borderline book x

[cherryblossom]

i never said u r this or that... .but i do remember saying -"i can understand why you think you are evil as your behaviour is disgusting"

also "what do u think it did to my psyche to say you wanted kids and made me promise id only have them with you then turn around and say u don't want to 1 year later"

"no that difficult to replace am i?" -cos when we 1st met he said he would find it extremely difficult to replace me

i need a decent relationship with myself 1st

i loved myself before i met ex -now im not sure i do or even who i really am anymore? :'(

[Lilyroze]

Cherryblossom,

I so love the name by the way. Different subject I know but we must meet on the other thread, and discuss your book recommendation.

I have read your thoughts and I personally would send if that is what you feel inclined to do. I was told by a very wise therapist once: Search your heart and mind, then do compassion and kindness one last time. If received great, if not then you will always know you tried your best, did what you could to give the gift of compassion. It doesn't mean he will be receptive, or you have to contact again, or have anything to do with.

It shows that led by the heart you did what you felt best to leave the person in a better frame then you last left. The words might not sink in now, maybe years from now, they might be treasured and never told that to you, they might be discarded or never read.

But you in your heart can go forward in peace, harmony and the road of forgiveness. Forgiveness takes many paths and roads it can just be to forgive yourself for getting into relationship. Now do what you feel best, go in peace, be led with the heart. Then take your brain along for the trip along with the support on board if he doesn't answer. To start your journey of healing and being free.

Concentrate on you after you send if you do. Read your book, do the small things that will lead to your goals. Live for you. 

This thread is not about me, but answers something I must do as well.

Be well.

[cherryblossom]

Yes lush name too Lilyroze!

yes book is great  -am halfway through -you started it?

I'm a confused mess atm but going away for long weekend tomorrow with lovely friend who happens to be a psychologist she split from her fiance same sort of time as i did with ex and that was messy for her -she has met someone nice so am looking forward to her stories and catching up for girlie fun x