She killed herself.

[Survivingher]

I haven't posted in a while.   I had finally broken free from roller coaster of a woman I was in love with but could never make it work with.   I had to make her leave my home because her behavior was so awful.  I have two kids I raise alone and it was just too much.  I hated doing it but I couldn't deal with the pills, Drinking, silent treatments, outbursts,  cheating , any longer.   I was becoming physically ill.   So I made her leave.   I offered to pay for her an apartment for a couple months while we worked on things, but she opted to be kept up by an ex married lover instead.  Bad choice but it's her life.   I was doing well.  Missing her but getting on with my life and finally starting to feel normal again.   After a month or so she called.  She was out of state and they had gotten in a huge fight and he had left her there.  No doubt she was drunk and started their fight.  She needed my help.  I have a small plane so I flew a couple hours and picked her up.   She was really sweet and called me 2 days later.  We spoke and it was nice.  I was hopeful that maybe she appreciated me and regretted the bad stuff and her behavior.  But I was still nervous about getting sucked in again.  I called her 3 days later one nite and she was drunk and completely cussed me out.  I offered her financial help and was sweet to her and she completely destroyed me verbally.  I hate you, I used you, I played you,  your a worthless piece of s#it, etc.   I hung up dejected and feeling like nothing was any different.  3 weeks later I learned that she had killed herself.    I am destroyed.  I can't even think straight.  I'm numb.   No one understands because she was so cruel how could I even care about her.   I was in love with her.    It was like her final FU to me.   If she wanted to hurt me ... .she has.   I'll never be the same.    I'm angry, hurt, but mostly consumed with guilt  over making her leave my home.   Imagine you tell someone you love them and they say no you dont,  yes I do.   Well, I'm crazy so if u love me you must be crazy to.   Well, ok, but I still love you.  So they cheat and say do you love me now?  Yes.   Then they verbally abuse over and over and say do you love me now?   Yes.   Then they talk bad about your kids and give everyone in your home the silent treatment and say do you love me now?  Yes, but I don't like your behavior.   Then they steal from you and say do you love me now?  Yes. But I can't take it any longer.  You have to go.  Then they say,  I knew it ,  you never loved me.      They make you feel like such a failure and everything is your fault and you start to believe it.  Then they kill themselves and leave you heartbroken second guessing everything that you ever did.   I don't know how to cope.  It's killing me.  It's like the pain of the relationship but 1000x worse with no end. 

[Meili]

DELETED.

[Herodias]

I am so sorry to hear this news. I really understand the torment you feel about making her go. You know you could not live that way... .It is not your fault. This was all her choice. Her choice to act that way, her choice to play with you and her choice to end her life. On one hand she is no longer suffering and there is something to be said for that. I just don't want you to feel you had anything to do with it. She pushed you away... .maybe she knew she was going to do this. I think mine would if he had the nerve. He would constantly try. It's heartbreaking. This is final in a completely different way than the rest of us deal with. The seeing them off with others is horrible.  It must be really hard on you,but now you have closure. I think you need to have some comfort to know she is at peace now. So sorry 

[steelwork]

I am so, so sorry for your loss. You did the only sane thing you could, and you were a compassionate friend. I hope you find comfort in that.

[atomic popsicles]

I'm so sorry. Mine would too if he "wasn't such a coward". I'm so sorry. Try not to feel guilty... .but I understand and the loving.

[hergestridge]

This is difficult to deal with. But this often the truth behind a suicide. The people who take their lives hurt others so badly that they can't deal with life any longer. This leaves us with nothing but guilt and confusion. I have yet to find a good way to approach this.

[Survivingher]

I'm trying to.  I'm going to therapy now.   I had a friend who said I could have taken many different roads , but they were all leading to the same place.   Idk.   In the last 6 months before this , she had been with 2 exes besides me and ruined it with them also.  One was out in jail for false charges she filed against him.  I've gotten to know him through this and he's a good guy.  We had the same issues with her and she told each of us lies about the other so she was always the victim. She hadn't spoken to her parents in years.  She told me she had been talking to her dad because I urged her to mend that relationship, but it turns out that was a lie.  Her dad is destroyed also.  Her mom seems to not care less, which is the root of her problems I think.  She was spinning outta control.  It's like she willed herself to be in this position so she had no choice.  Maybe she was angry that I offered her a way out. Idk.   She took handfuls of ambien for years. Maybe that messed had mind up even worse.   She was 34 , educated, stunningly attractive, charismatic, funny.  and still did this.  

She was a Christian and we had many talks about faith and prayed together often.  I also read about near death experiences quite often and I do believe that she is at peace.  Some days I'm ok, other days it's more than I can handle.  I've forgiven her, but still angry at her.  I know it was about her pain and not me , but... .

 Thank you for your kind words.  

[Survivingher]

I'm going to write her dad a letter telling him the good things about her and how much she loved him.  He needs to know.

[atomic popsicles]

What a kind gift to her dad. It will be hard to write but may help you, too.

[Herodias]

I understand the parents. They compartmentalize sometimes... .they know it is coming. I know of a family who had a problem daughter (she was probably BPD) who got the worst case scenario. She hooked up with a sociopath and ended up tortured and killed. There story was on Dateline. They always know something bad would happen. It's really terrible. Her father is still a mess... .The mother just goes on. She said she compartmentalizes in order to deal with it. Very sad... .Good for you to reach out to the father. They need to know good things. They only hear bad and it's so bad for their health.

[Naughty Nibbler]

Survivingher

So very sorry for your loss.  

There is likely a physiological basis for most pwBPD.  One way to look at it is that you can't cure them any more than you can cure cancer.  She may have still taken her life, even if she was still residing in your home.  I believe you mentioned you have children in you home.  You should never feel guilty about making decisions and taking actions to protect children.  

I'm glad you have a therapist.  Therapy can be very helpful, while you work through the grieving process.

[HoneyB33]

I'm so sorry Survingher. I'm going to write bellow a perspective that I think you need to cling to in this. Because if you let those questions circle into your head, they're going to pull you down.

She was sick.

She had a mental illness that you couldn't control. The only person who could have done something about it was her. And she didn't.

You did everything you could to help her. All the way up until sacrificing yourself, and you can't do that. You protected your kids. You did what was right, and made an already impossible choice. You are strong.

And you were always there. Always ready to help her. You flew to help her, and she abused you. And even when she abused you, you still have sympathy for her. There is nothing you more you could have done.

... .

I think the hardest thing about these people is that we truly have to learn what it is like to lose control. To not be able to change something, or make things better. It's the hardest thing we have to learn and go through.

You could not have saved her. Only she could have helped herself. Even God is limited in helping people when they don't ask for help, because asking Him is giving permission for Him to work in our lives.

I am so, very sorry, that you have gone through this. Grieve. But know the truth. Know the truth about yourself, about her, and even about God. This came down to her choices. That is the fact of this.

[Lilyroze]

Wishing you hope and peace during this difficult time. . I am very sorry for your loss 

I see you cared for her very much. Please take care of you during this time.

[Survivingher]

My therapist has said many of the same things.  She knows the back story.  I started seeing her months ago because of the stress of dating her and trying to make it work.  She continually reminds me of how many times I helped her only to have her abuse me.  She always thought I put up with too much.   I guess I just saw the good in her and saw the pain.  She could be so great.  And when things were good they were better than they'd ever been with anyone.   Even my ex wife of 14 years who I'm still friends with.   I wanted things to be good for her and to help her.   That last nite she was yelling at me saying I was a rescuer and only wanted her when she was down and out.  I might be a rescuer,  but she always needed rescuing.  And I wanted her all the time.  She was wrong about that.   I'll get through it.   But it's true.  These what ifs continually rattle around my head.  It's been 4 weeks now and I don't think I've had 10 minutes that I don't think about it.     My therapist says I'm just way to nice of a person and that's why I'm blaming myself.   She blamed everything on me all the time anyway. Gaslighting I tnink its called.    It's my nature to make things good.  I'm a peace maker and I hate having enemies.  I always forgive.  Life's too short to stay mad.  And it takes more effort to stay mad. Thanks again for the advice.  I will refer back to it and reread to get through this. 

[cherryblossom]

   

I think it's very important to remember that you were no doubt v special to her, but there are so so many factors that lead to a suicide. You did not cause her original pain which snowballed on and on - sounds like she avoided seeking help for her condition. 

[Survivingher]

I don't know if I was special or not really.  She was always looking for the next guy and she recycled all the time.   She could do that because of her looks.  When with me she wanted her ex back and when with him she wanted me.  I don't know.  I think her mind was a tangled mess.  She was completely unable to accept love and had to sabotage everything.  She was truly tortured.  She got to where she would not leave her room for days on end or ever go outside except to get her prescriptions.  She couldn't hold a job and she had to move repeatedly because she couldn't get along with anyone.  I've read up on ambian.  That was like poring gas on a fire.   It causes suicidal thoughts, depression, irritability, irrational thoughts , Etc.     Everytime I mentioned her getting help it was world war 3.   She'd mock me and say what oh so your a shrink now ?  I just stopped saying h anything.   She always romanticized about Suicide.  Her hero was Marilyn Monroe.    She'd make comments like she was going to tattoo her chest with DNR. Do not resuscitate.   She talked about licking door knows at the hospital to a disease.   It used to upset me.  I would tell that would hurt so many people that loved her

Whatever I said was always wrong.   She reminded me of Sharon stone in casino.   Just a beautiful mess.  Heartbreaker in so many ways.    Idk if should would have ever been happy.  I hope she is now. 

I do believe she was mentally ill.  It just got worse and worse

[cherryblossom]

   

I think it's very important to remember that you were no doubt v special to her, but there are so so many factors that lead to a suicide. You did not cause her original pain which snowballed on and on - sounds like she avoided seeking help for her condition.  

[rfriesen]

Survivingher,

That's a truly heartbreaking situation and must be incredibly painful. I can only imagine, and I hope you're taking care of yourself.

Just going from my experience with my ex, I think some people lash out because they're too scared to accept love and kindness at face value. But even though they lash out, I think that deep down inside them, the love and kindness mean so much to them -- they're just not able to show that side of themselves. It hurts/scares them too much. I am sure that deep down your ex truly appreciated and loved you for what you did. It's so tragic that she couldn't hold onto that part of herself and bring it to the surface. That she had to stifle it and drown it in pain, fear, cynicism, heartache ... .

Try to remember how much good you did for her, how much love you showed her, how kind a person you were ... .all of that is love that you poured onto an otherwise painful and disordered life. No doubt you made her life better, even if it was destined to be a tragic life regardless. You gave her all you could and you should love yourself for that too. You couldn't save her, but you brought her all the kindness and understanding you could.

My heart goes out to you and I hope you find peace in all this.

[Leonis]

This is one of the saddest things I've read around here. I hope you will eventually find peace as well.

From reading this thread, I started to get the uneasy feeling of the things my ex could do to end up on the same path. After all, she'd mentioned it more than once during our "breaks" that she couldn't stand living, etc.

I'm glad you can still reach out to her family and letting the dad know, or at least, put him more at ease about the whole situation. I hope your children can get over the hurdles as well.

[paul16]

Best thing to do here is remember and cherish the good things about her and your relationship with her. You call it a roller coaster so there must have been highs as well as lows. Drugs and alcohol can alter people's ability to genuinely behave in logical ways so it is best to remember the attributes of her when she did not have outside influences.

[Tobiasfunke]

I'm sorry. know there is nothing you could have done that would have changed this. I have been basically nc as possible with mine for months. (We have children so complete nc is unrealistic) I pray that she understands that is not to punish her but rather to protect myself and ease the detachment. Mental illness and drug abuse go hand in hand because they self medicate to ease their pain. But it only digs a deeper hole. I believe in God but I cannot understand the suffering. Not for you or her or her family. Keep the faith and live the happiest appreciative life in honor of your lost one who undoubtedly suffered for years but is now at peace in a much better place.