im super angry

[Depression = 72% of members]

i had a relationship with my ex for 4 years and we have been broken up for 2. we recently started working in the same area as we had years ago. time has moved on and we are both in new relationship and both engaged to be married. when we first saw each other it was extremely tough on both of us as we hadnt spoken for a year and a half. i felt like it was all water under the bridge and i had done the work to see my childhood issues ect. So eventually i just say hi. he says hi and is very guarded. fine enough. next week he is still guarded but starts to ask about people he knew when we were together and then starts telling me all about his past year and a half. he brings up the girl he is with who happens to be the girls he cheated on me with but i handle it well. eventually we are talking regularly and everything is fine. then he starts wanting to eat lunch together. then its texting me on days off. just little stuff then hes got me on the phone for hours and we are joking and having a good laugh like we used to. he wants to start doing more things. I tell my boyfriend and he says its fine because its not someone he is concerned about. i meet him for his birthday to have lunch and he stars with you are going to get me in trouble! and i said hey im fine with not doing this and he says no its fine its what you want. ok... .starting to come back to me how it was. he then continues to call and text just telling me random stuff. so then he says hey im on the girlfriends plan and cant call you anymore because she will know. i say ok no problem. then he starts emailing me. a lot! we are now around 5-6 days a week. then he says i cant use this email anymore she found your contact info. so i say ok. i dont understand the secrecy but i dont owe her a damn thing so whatever. he gets a new email address and continues to email me. so 2 weeks ago he starts tell me im unhappy and depressed and hes trying to help me. i said what do you mean? he says you should stop hanging out with those friends of yours. i just laugh it off and he says im serious you have me. i said until your girlfriend finds out and then thats that. he tells me he hates when i get like this and i need to be more day to day and stop worrying about stuff like that and hes not going to go anywhere. we will still be friend and i can count on him. the whole thing is getting too much for me but i do enjoy his company but it feels deeper then this. so i say if i let my guard down and then you bail i will get hurt again. he says its different because we are friends now. so today he tells me i need a new email address because she found me in his contacts and hes not risking her to talk to me. so get the new email or i will never be able to talk to you again. when i say i dont want to do all of that he says he is trying to help me but maybe its best if he leaves me alone so i can heal and be healthy. he doesnt want to but he doesnt know how else to fix me? ok so now im pissed. I didnt think i needed fixing. i didnt ask for any of this and i know i should have had better boundaries. what im trying to do is keep things calm with us but in a healthy place and i dont know how to. can anyone help me? 

[honeysuckle]

i had a relationship with my ex for 4 years and we have been broken up for 2. we recently started working in the same area as we had years ago. time has moved on and we are both in new relationship and both engaged to be married. when we first saw each other it was extremely tough on both of us as we hadnt spoken for a year and a half. i felt like it was all water under the bridge and i had done the work to see my childhood issues ect. So eventually i just say hi. he says hi and is very guarded. fine enough. next week he is still guarded but starts to ask about people he knew when we were together and then starts telling me all about his past year and a half. he brings up the girl he is with who happens to be the girls he cheated on me with but i handle it well. eventually we are talking regularly and everything is fine. then he starts wanting to eat lunch together. then its texting me on days off. just little stuff then hes got me on the phone for hours and we are joking and having a good laugh like we used to. he wants to start doing more things. I tell my boyfriend and he says its fine because its not someone he is concerned about. i meet him for his birthday to have lunch and he stars with you are going to get me in trouble! and i said hey im fine with not doing this and he says no its fine its what you want. ok... .starting to come back to me how it was. he then continues to call and text just telling me random stuff. so then he says hey im on the girlfriends plan and cant call you anymore because she will know. i say ok no problem. then he starts emailing me. a lot! we are now around 5-6 days a week. then he says i cant use this email anymore she found your contact info. so i say ok. i dont understand the secrecy but i dont owe her a damn thing so whatever. he gets a new email address and continues to email me. so 2 weeks ago he starts tell me im unhappy and depressed and hes trying to help me. i said what do you mean? he says you should stop hanging out with those friends of yours. i just laugh it off and he says im serious you have me. i said until your girlfriend finds out and then thats that. he tells me he hates when i get like this and i need to be more day to day and stop worrying about stuff like that and hes not going to go anywhere. we will still be friend and i can count on him. the whole thing is getting too much for me but i do enjoy his company but it feels deeper then this. so i say if i let my guard down and then you bail i will get hurt again. he says its different because we are friends now. so today he tells me i need a new email address because she found me in his contacts and hes not risking her to talk to me. so get the new email or i will never be able to talk to you again. when i say i dont want to do all of that he says he is trying to help me but maybe its best if he leaves me alone so i can heal and be healthy. he doesnt want to but he doesnt know how else to fix me? ok so now im pissed. I didnt think i needed fixing. i didnt ask for any of this and i know i should have had better boundaries. what im trying to do is keep things calm with us but in a healthy place and i dont know how to. can anyone help me? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[patientandclear]

For what it's worth, I found my self for quite a while in a similar ambiguous dynamic with my uBPD ex bf.  He was my de facto partner but there was no acknowledgement of that status and he eventually walked away from it when the accountability which comes with such a relationship didn't square with his other life preferences/choices, which included, for a time, another woman.  So I strongly identify with the weirdness you're slogging through.

Let's ignore him for a moment and speak of you.  Is having a quasi-partner relationship with your ex truly compatible in YOUR mind with your relationship with your fiance?  I understand he is saying he is not concerned, but presumably, he is not aware of the extent of your engagement with your ex, right?

It's easy to get caught up in the internal dynamics with these confusing, challenging r/ships, and lose sight of whether they are having a good and healthy impact on the rest of your life. What do you think?

[livednlearned]

Hi honeysuckle,

Can you say more about what it means to be in a healthy place for you? His idea of healthy place might be different, so perhaps it's best to start with you? Is this something you can define?

what im trying to do is keep things calm with us but in a healthy place and i dont know how to.

[Icanteven]

Is your current love interest your boyfriend or your fiancee (he's something different in different parts of the story)?  Why are you engaging in this relationship with a man who's sneaking around on his own fiancee after cheating on you?  If your boyfriend/fiancee knew the depth of the relationship you've engaged in with your ex do you think he might start to care?  What is your ex trying to help you do besides charm you back into his world?

[honeysuckle]

thank you for your replies. my current boyfriend is very secure and confident. something i admire, He is not concerned with my ex because it is over and and in my past and i have no reason to leave. he is aware of my feelings and i think most of us can understand that a love with a BPD is going to be more intense. i am not cheating on him. I have discussed if the situations were reverse i would be a little uncomfortable but as long as he was honest i would be accepting of it as he is with me. to answer why i talk to him if he is with her the answer my seem immature but to be honest she didnt have a problem talking to him when we were together so i don't feel i owe her anything and she set the expectations. I do not wish to have  relationship with him. only a friendship. a healthy place for me would be close but at a distance. share stories of life and talk about things friends talk about. laugh and be understanding of life's day to day.i feel like he keeps pushing and he gets really aggressive to hang out. to me having lunch at a restaurant and thats it doest seem like a big deal to me. i asked one time why he would want to do that if he was hiding me and he said he wasnt worried and to live in today. what i would like is to have the guy that i enjoy as my friend. is this something that would be impossible? maybe that is what i am asking. 

[Black Dog House]

honeysuckle, I can completely understand why you are pissed off, and I would be as well. Ask yourself what you consider to be a good friend. Your ex is deliberately and knowingly deceiving his fiance. He did the same to you, when you were with him. He has not changed. Is this the character of a man with whom you deem any relationship healthy? He is testing your boundaries, and you must remain firm to your conviction of what you "feel" is correct for you. Do not overthink it, trust your insticts and values. The answer is within you, and you have already answered it. You have to stand firm and forget his feelings and needs, because it is obvious he is not considering yours OR his fiances.

I'm new to this forum, so I hope shooting from the hip with brutal honesty is acceptable: the guy is not being a friend, He is playing you and trying to get you to do things you do not want to do. You are stroking his ego by letting him pull you deeper into his game. I also question if you may not feel the need to seek revenge on his new GF, which is completely human and understandable, and why you are indifferent to your ex's disrespectfullness of her. Step back and from a distance look at how your ex is behaving. Is it acceptable to you? Why are you angry?

[honeysuckle]

Thank you so much for your thoughts. I actually realized that this is more about her then it is him. I need to make my peace with that. I appreciate your insight. That was very perceptive of you. This all just reminds me that whenever I think I am "healed" I see how deep it really goes. Although I don't want a romantic relationship with him anymore, I still fall into the trap of letting my boundaries waver. It is like i am conditioned to when it comes to him. I guess it doesn't matter what kind of relationship we have. I have grown so much but still have some work to do! Thank you for your help!

[Black Dog House]

Very happy if my observations are of any help. I am going through the same thing. If it's any solice to you, I am 53 and still a very vulnerable individiual when it comes to falling in love with women who are unhealthy for me. I'm still learning and growing, doing the work.

I find the psychological concept and metaphor of mirroring quite fitting: When my ex fell for me, I fell for me as well. She came on hard, and it made me feel all bubbly and fantastic. I became enamored in myself when I saw what she saw in me (which of course was infatuation, and ended there). It continued to feel that way, until things needed to get real, and then she started to distance. It's not love in the way I need love.

That hold your ex has on you, I understand it, believe me. I met my ex in 2000 and we were not an item, as she was married and I in a relationship, but I sensed the pull. From 2001 to 2013 I had all but forgotten her, until she popped up on my radar. She told me it was love at first sight when she met me in 2000 and nearly wrecked her marriage. When we had our first date three years ago, we still had that snap. As you said, we experience pwBPD immediately and more intensely, which many claim to be a classic red flag. I am still trying to learn this ;-)

[livednlearned]

You are insightful and brave to recognize how you feel about his fiance, and to take note of it. 

a healthy place for me would be close but at a distance. share stories of life and talk about things friends talk about. laugh and be understanding of life's day to day.i feel like he keeps pushing and he gets really aggressive to hang out.

People with BPD tend to have no boundaries and need our help with boundaries -- we often struggle here. He likely has parts of himself that are hard for him to integrate, and when he is with you, he is expressing a part he cannot integrate while in his other relationship, is my guess. That's often why these needs can feel almost compulsive, or as you mention, aggressive. Whatever the explanation, his deficits with setting boundaries become something you have to accept, and then recognize you will be doing the work when it comes to setting these boundaries.

Whether in your past romantic relationship or a potential friendship, he needs to experience the difficulty of boundaries (yours) without emotionally dysregulating, and that takes skill and practice on our part.

Is this something you want to work on?

[schwing]

Hi Honeysuckle,

I think you are angry because you are being used and you're just not exactly sure how you're being used.  He's not really being a friend to you -- you shouldn't need to hide your friends from your significant other.

As I understand this disorder, he is using you in exactly the way he imagines he is helping you.  As you stated, you don't need fixing.  But I suspect that he does.  He says that he thinks you're "unhappy and depressed."  I think he's just projecting his own feelings onto you.  I also suspect that he is using you in order to manage his disordered feelings he feels towards his girlfriend.  With her, I imagine he has been with her long enough that his fear of abandonment is starting to overwhelm him.

You see, as he feels closer to her, he will *also* start to imagine that his girlfriend intends to abandon him (this is an aspect of the disorder).  And for him, the best way to *avoid* this imagined abandonment is to abandon her first.  This is where you come in.  Each time he cannot reach her or some innocuous reason, he runs to you instead.  And he gets close enough to you so that he is no longer afraid that his girlfriend will abandon him.  Once the fear of abandonment abates, then he can "go back" to her (when from her perspective, he never left).

In any case, I think you should trust your feelings on this.

I know you would like to have him as a friend, but is he even capable to behaving as a friend does?  He tells you he is doing everything in your interest, but are his actions consistent with his words?

Best wishes,

Schwing