My finace left me and filed RO, will she come back? She has BPD~

[617788]

Well I will start off by saying we were together for 7 years with 3 children recently she decided she was unhappy in the relationship (again) saying she loved me but wasn't in love with me it seems she goes through these faises every 2 years or so the last time this happened in July of 2014 she admitted to cheating and kicked me out but after me trying to reconcile with her for a month she took me back I will say I'm no saint in the relationship either but it happens all of a sudden just 2 months ago she asked me if I wanted to have another baby with her she kept bringing it up constantly but I always said no she would tell me that she loves me etc... Then 6 weeks ago she decided she wanted out all of a sudden just kicked me to the curb starting talking to her cousin and mother again after not speaking to them since the last blowout told me she hated them and would never speak to them again as they were hateful people then convinced herself I was a narrssit. So I convinced her to go to relationship counselling with me and she agreed... .This is where it really gets crazy I went away for work for about 10 days the first few days we're great she loves me and missed me then all of a sudden she hated me and cut all contact while I was away before i even got hkmeshe had a restraining order on me saying she feared for her life which I am fighting in court now she's packing up our house and moving out apprently never wants to speak to me again after 7 years she's trying to make me out to be an abuser but its not working because I have never been charged with anything like that in my life. She seems to have painted me black with the help of her crazy family saying me and my family are trying to make her out to be the bad guy when all they did was try to reach out and support her now I come to find out through a friend she was on plenty of fish dating site just days after she put the restraining order on me this has happened before as previously explained but never this bad. I need some advice will she regrt this and try and come back or is it over for good? She has BPD HELP PLEASE

[Icanteven]

I need some advice will she regrt this and try and come back or is it over for good? She has BPD HELP PLEASE

This has to be an impossible situation for you.  I know it was for me.  My wife and I do not have a history of break ups and make ups, but I can tell you that, similar to you, we have a long term relationship and we have children and she left and hasn't looked back.  I'm certainly in no position to say whether or not your wife will come back, but it sounds like she is incredibly dysregulated at the moment.  I'm sure others with tons more experience will chime in to give you better advice than I ever could, so I'll leave that to them.  My message to you is simply this:  you are not alone; there are others going through very similar circumstances at the moment; what you are going through I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy; I'm sorry you and your children are having to go through this; we are here to listen.

[ForeverDad]

I'm sorry you're facing this ordeal.  We've been there, done that.  Sadly, this is a pattern often described here, that there are periodic 'recycles' of the relationship (love, hate, back to love again, then hate again, etc).  As you've noted, each time it has gotten worse than the prior time.  Perhaps this time it's drastically worse because the counseling triggered her in even more Denial and Blame-Shifting than before?

You may be shocked how she can so quickly shift from Love to Rejection and Attacks of horrendous allegations.  BPD is a disorder of emotion-based extremes and perceptions.  When the moods change, so do the perceptions.  They're not grounded in reality as reasonably normal people generally are.

It's also not unusual for the person with BPD (pwBPD) or some combination of acting-out PDs to immediately seek out other relationships to fill that void in life.

Will she come back?

1.  Evidently this is the first time it's gotten to this level?  It may be that there's no way to reset the clock and go to the lesser issues of the past.  One observation made in other posts is that if a person has contemplated or threatened to make allegations, then it WILL happen, given enough time.  Can you risk being in close contact with her when not in public?

2.  Ponder this:  Do you want her back?  Should you want her back?  You have already recognized her cyclical behaviors — and that over time they have gotten progressively worse.  Can you risk getting back together and this happening yet again but that next time she's better prepared with her allegations?  Yes, you share children but would it be better for you two to parent separating since your relationship is getting increasingly high conflict?

[livednlearned]

Hi 61778,

I'm really sorry to hear this is happening. You must feel desperate trying to understand what's happening. It sounds like she is in a real emotional whirlpool, and like Icanteven wrote, she is dysregulated and acting impulsively. Do you feel that the conversation about having a fourth child was the beginning of her dysregulation?

When she filed a restraining order against you before (if I'm reading your post correctly) how did that resolve?

she was on plenty of fish dating site just days after she put the restraining order on me this has happened before as previously explained but never this bad. I need some advice will she regrt this and try and come back or is it over for good? She has BPD HELP PLEASE

We're here to walk alongside you and help figure out how to bring the temperature down. People with BPD tend to be extremely emotionally vulnerable and have tremendous amounts of shame. It's tough to thread the needle where we de-escalate the conflict while also protecting ourselves. Maybe we can help you with that process.

Also, where are the kids in all of this? They doing ok?

[617788]

Thank you for your words I appreciate the support in this difficult time. Since my post she has packed up our home and will be moving into an apartment with the three children tomorrow she is not keeping the children from me as I see them regularly and have them over for weekends. I am in utter shock right now as to how someone can just drop a person that has been on their life for 7 years like a piece of garbage my family have been in contact with her to pick up the kids and they say she seems extremely happy and "normal" and seems like she is moving in with her life I'm still uncertain how someone can just up and move on so quickly even of they we're the person who ended it I do love her but really I don't know if I miss her or if I miss the company right now I'm just not sure what to do.

[ForeverDad]

Even if she appears 'normal' to others, you know she is emotionally unstable and eventually she will revert to prior patterns.  For example, she's now on speaking terms with her family but has ostracized you, the exact reverse of before.  That's the Good or Evil perceptions she has.  It is well known that a normal person will look back on past relationships and at least remember the good times but a pwBPD typically describes all ended relationships as horrible and abusive.

Since she's been to various fish dating sites, for all you know she could have been unfaithful to the marriage.  Infidelity has long been a valid basis for a spouse to see the marriage as ended, not to mention the risks of diseases and pregnancy.  What I'm saying is that it's okay to Let Go, let her go.  Of course it's not what you wanted but that may be your reality.

Since you have pending allegations against you, beware of a common mistake.  If at court she claims you're abusive and controlling and you say you want her back, then the court may conclude you might very well be a controller wanting her back under your control.  See how that could be a trap in your situation?  I was there a decade ago in your shoes, a major difference is that your Ex is okay with your parenting so far.  Mine was in Burn All The Bridges mode.  My then-stbEx's lawyer asked me, ":)o you want her back?"  As much as it hurt, I replied, "No, not the way she is."

[617788]

It is very emotional for me right now as if my life has been pulled from underneath me its like she is two different people one minute loveable and affectionate toward me telling me she loves me and couldn't wait for me to return from work the next I'm an abuser that she doesn't want to be around that she despises I turned her into someone she's not. Then she goes out to a bar and gets loaded drunk after cutting all contact with me she spent all of her money she had at the mall on a shopping spree its like a different personality takes over she talks different stands different she's just a different person completely is it just me am I the crazy one who thinks she talks stands and acts different?

[ForeverDad]

No, it's not you.  It's a combinations of many tactics, behaviors and exposure.  One term among many is "Gaslighting".  Watch the movie Gaslight from 1944.  A young bride is convinced to doubt her sanity by her nefarious new husband.  While the bad guy had an ulterior motive and wasn't disordered as your spouse is, the impact still can shake you to your core.

In other words, no, it is her and not you.

[Icanteven]

It is very emotional for me right now as if my life has been pulled from underneath me its like she is two different people one minute loveable and affectionate toward me telling me she loves me and couldn't wait for me to return from work the next I'm an abuser that she doesn't want to be around that she despises I turned her into someone she's not. Then she goes out to a bar and gets loaded drunk after cutting all contact with me she spent all of her money she had at the mall on a shopping spree its like a different personality takes over she talks different stands different she's just a different person completely is it just me am I the crazy one who thinks she talks stands and acts different?

Was there any traumatic event that preceded this by any chance?

[livednlearned]

It is very emotional to live with and love someone with a mental illness, and you have good cause to feel confused and baffled by the turn of events and her behaviors.

its like a different personality takes over she talks different stands different she's just a different person completely is it just me am I the crazy one who thinks she talks stands and acts different?

People with BPD tend to have identity disturbances. This can also mean feeling that they have many parts that aren't integrated (this isn't the same as multiple personality disorder). She may have different behaviors associated with different sets of feelings that don't integrate well with other parts of herself, so she fires off on a rocket of emotions and impulsive behaviors, sometimes entirely at odds with who she felt when she was regulated.

She may have felt she had to please you or subjugate herself, sort of slip into a costume for a while. Then she feels different (strongly) and suddenly perceives that she was a victim. Because she cannot easily integrate these different sets of feelings, she swings between one or the other.

It's a sad disorder, and her feelings are intense for her. Emotional dysregulation makes it hard to think clearly, and people with BPD tend to be impulsive when they dysregulate. This is super tough for us to make sense of, people who love them and care about them.

It's very easy to get confused -- these are confusing behaviors, for you and for her.

Where do things stand with the protective order? Will she likely go through with it? Past history may help you piece together what could come next.

LnL

[617788]

Nothing traumatic has happened she told me 6 weeks prior to this recent episode that she was not happy anymore and she wanted to live out her dreams etc... Things she has said before she wanted to be independent and then she went cold on me as if she had just turned her emotions off toward me just like before and then its like another person just takes over then everything goes downhill this time it's really bad she starts acting like someone I don't know even the kids don't want to go home after their weekend with me like o said its like another person just takes over its very odd her mother is bi polar is she suffered alot of abuse as a child. As far as the order goes its extremely odd that she would even do that she did show up for the initial court date but the judge wanted to see evidence presented by her before the order is set in stone for 6 months so the next court date is August 8th this is where she will have to bring forward evidence against me.

[617788]

It's like she is living on a high doing everything without thinking first my question is do they ever regret or rethink what they have done when they level out?

[Icanteven]

It's like she is living on a high doing everything without thinking first my question is do they ever regret or rethink what they have done when they level out?

In my experience - and this is just an anecdote - the answer is yes, they do regret or rethink their decisions, but not in a way that's going to make you feel better.

My wife has made some indefensible life choices since walking out on her family.  She regrets that things haven't worked out, but she doesn't regret doing them.  In fact, it's MY fault those choices haven't worked out because I didn't enable her.

And, in discussions about past relationships that imploded, she will freely admit that she shouldn't have done what she did, but in terms of remorse or rehab or restitution, don't hold your breath. 

It's a mental illness.  Just because it doesn't land them in the hospital doesn't mean there's not all sorts of disordered thinking going on in there.

[617788]

In her eyes this is my fault to apprently " I let her go " this is something she's been thinking about for a while being on her own etc... Like I said I've done my fare share in the relationship but so has she but apparently she owned up to everything she has done wrong she has convinced herself I'm a narrssit incapable of loving anybody she spent countless hours on Google trying to diagnos me and then she started to diagnos herself on Google then she layed on the couch crying at one point saying she didn't know what was wrong with her and she felt like everyone was out to get her and that I was just an easy target but that quickly turned around again and I was the problem she said she was confused and didn't know what she wanted. She has my head flipped upside down she sent me mixed signals and then did what she did now I'm confused weather she will want to reconcile or not. She seems to have her family helping convince herself that I'm this terrible abusive person like they have many times in the past she would say how she despises them and then she turns to them for support while she trashes me.