me being more assertive...small test today day 1

[byfaith]

My "problem" is that I am a pretty sensitive person when it comes to certain relationships. I have been trying to "figure" myself out. I went to MC by myself yesterday and I had a moment where I saw my core problem that has existed all my life. I lack assertiveness in some relationships (close). Yesterday I truly owned that about myself.

The MC gave me a series of modules "Assert yourself" I read the high points just looking through it but I was sitting with my mouth hanging open thinking this is me to a T

As the MC told me, as has been stated here on these boards, that changing my behavior comes with a price. Do I have the guts to change? Do I have what it takes to "lead" someone who holds so much against me and blames me for everything that goes wrong.

Ok so I texted my wife this morning concerning a favor she asked of me on Monday if I would take some kids she babysits to church with me on my way Wed evening. My wife was going to watch them today and then I would just take them when I went this evening. Their parents go to the same church as me. I said sure no problem.

I got to thinking today that I may have to work over tonight so I don't want to commit to taking them so I texted her early today and let her know I could not

ME: Just letting you know so (their mom) can make other arrangements. i'm not committing to taking the kids to church. I also put the drinks in the trunk of your car so you can give them to her.   8:40am

ME: I hope the appointment goes well today  11:23am

Her: I decided not to keep the kids today. I'm sorry to have asked for such a huge favor, I now realize what a horrible burden it must have put on you. 12:50pm

OK this is where I want to shoot back something explaining why I didn't want to commit etc. but I am not. Would her text back to me be considered passive aggressive?

This was her way of saying you suck

[byfaith]

Her: In defense of my sarcasm, it's only a response to your hatefulness. 1:36pm

Her: I'll have to ask God to help me, I cannot live with you any longer without His intervention. 1:38pm

im not responding.

To my knowledge I said nothing hateful we really didn't even talk last night. her son came into the room last night and he said goodnight and then she started talking to him as he was walking out of the room and I didn't squeeze in a goodnight.

she asked me if there was a particular reason I didn't say goodnight to him, I just said no reason. normal voice etc etc. in about 5 minutes she got up and went and slept on the couch. I went out and politely asked her if she was sleeping on the couch and she said yes, nicely. I went back to the room and turned the fan and tv off and shut the door, that was it

No hatefulness.

So I have a wife that says I am hateful blah blah blah, and I live with a schizophrenic man who one day refers to me as buddy and the next calling me a piece of Sh%T because I pegged him as being a child molester ( his delusion)

I need God's help at the moment... .thanks for letting me get this stuff out here

[Lilyroze]

To my knowledge I said nothing hateful we really didn't even talk last night. her son came into the room last night and he said goodnight and then she started talking to him as he was walking out of the room and I didn't squeeze in a goodnight.

she asked me if there was a particular reason I didn't say goodnight to him, I just said no reason. normal voice etc etc. in about 5 minutes she got up and went and slept on the couch. I went out and politely asked her if she was sleeping on the couch and she said yes, nicely. I went back to the room and turned the fan and tv off and shut the door, that was it

No hatefulness.

So I have a wife that says I am hateful blah blah blah, and I live with a schizophrenic man who one day refers to me as buddy and the next calling me a piece of Sh%T because I pegged him as being a child molester ( his delusion)

I need God's help at the moment... .thanks for letting me get this stuff out here

I am a little confused if her son came in to say goodnight. Is it your son too? A stepson?( which is still yours in my mind if you married her) and you ignored him?Do you think that might have been hurtful to him? How about hurtful to her or pushing buttons? Why should he be punished because you two are having issues?

I am trying to understand. Boundaries usually aren't intended to hurt another, especially a child who has nothing to do with adult issues. I am not judging just trying to understand what you hope to accomplish.

Do you want to work things out with her? Punish her? There are some great tools on here for boundaries etc, they are very helpful. I hope you find the help and information you are looking for as well as are able to work it out with her however you want.

[byfaith]

Lilyroze,

I am trying to understand. Boundaries usually aren't intended to hurt another, especially a child who has nothing to do with adult issues. I am not judging just trying to understand what you hope to accomplish.

Background on the child... .He is 31 years old. He has paranoid schizophrenia. He has a lack of respect for boundaries. i.e. our bedroom especially at night. His feelings did not get hurt.

As far as the goodnight thing... .9 times out of 10 I say goodnight. What he does is he comes up for the goodnight and he pets the dog and leaves. Then about three more times usually past 12:30pm wanting something from his mom (being demanding). The other night I wake up about 2:30am and he is hovering over the bed on her side. She is supposed to be closing and locking the door at night. The voices have told him at times to do me in because he believes I called him a child molester and I ruined his life. That's why he thinks there are cameras all through the house and they are watching him. Do feel sorry for him? yes  but I don't want to be bludgeoned in my sleep either.  

I spoke with him on the phone yesterday on my way home he called me wanting me to pick up dip for him. I asked him what his mom was doing, he said she was trying to sleep. I asked him if he had been waking her up all morning. He said yes, I asked why, he said because. He told me he didn't care if he woke her up and disturbed her sleep.

What I am trying to accomplish is be as kind as I can be and to keep my sanity while trying to live with two mentally ill people who are enmeshed with each other.

[Lilyroze]

Ahhh... .So sorry byfaith,

I do humbly apologize. I didn't have time to read your prior posts before answering, usually I try. Had other things on my heart and went off post. So that is why I asked.

Thanks for the answers, well I can see how tough that must be and why you are setting your boundaries as well as I see frustration in your posts.

With all new info, seems you did well on your test. What are your plans for future? How did it make you feel set and stick to your boundaries and core values?

[formflier]

Solid work!  You did your part.  She is wrestling with hers. 

No rescuing... .continue to do loving things here and there... .but don't do things that would be considering "chasing".

FF

[byfaith]

I think I am coachable now.  

I have to come to terms with what I can handle and what I cannot and then just say what I think in a constructive way even if she thinks I am a low life.

I know this marriage combined with co-caring for her son has kept me from doing things with my kids and being part of their life more.

Not getting to spend more time with my kids is going to end if it means my marriage ends. I miss my grandson 3 1/2 months now growing like crazy. I need to have normal time without getting crap for it or having to "include" my stepson in everything.

I don't know how to get this across lovingly. I believe it will happen in MC

[formflier]

I don't know how to get this across lovingly. I believe it will happen in MC

Don't worry about getting it across lovingly.  Get it across.

As I have been studying and really thinking about the Biblical truth.  I would say that when you send a message... .send her "grace" first and then send her truth.  Grace before truth.

So, somehow send a message that you appreciate her and this is what you are doing.  Or use the term value... .or something.

If she wants to twist it... .that's not your business.

FF

[formflier]

https://youtu.be/6_GSX374IXk

Byfaith,

Do you think this applies to your wife's situation?

FF

[byfaith]

Do you think this applies to your wife's situation?

yes much of it does... .I was able to watch a few minutes of this and will watch the rest of it. Thank you

I have tried to guide her to help in this area. She can't connect sexual pleasure with God's design. We have had sex over the past month or so but I think she goes through the motions. She told me last week that she is over her hang up with the sex and now it's just the weight issue. I believe she is covering up the sex issue.

It all has so many layers to it

[formflier]

 

Here is my first take on your situation.

I think that the more you separate yourself, and establish yourself as an independent person that sometimes says no and sometimes says yes... .that she will eventually see you as separate from her.

Then, once she realizes you make your own decisions, your decision to show empathy or to speak truth to her... .will mean a lot more.

I'm glad you are back to going through the motions.

FF

[byfaith]

so in other words she may end up having more respect for me?  

She says she respects me but I think her "respect" lies in the fact that I have given into her so much. I have a lot of undoing to do

I am the type that tries to see the good in someone and I take the "bad" and shove it to the back burner. After being with my wife for 5 years now it  totally hit me this week that she can't maintain a close relationship without having the "control". I guess it was hard for me to accept that someone could manipulate people that much.  

My wife went out of state to go to her moms and she should be coming back tonight. I truly did not miss her. I think if she wanted to stay longer I would not miss her. I hate that I feel that way. I love her but the mental break is so freeing

Like you said FF in one of your other posts love isn't always a feeling. It is also a responsibility and I will carry my part of the responsibility as far as I can

[Cat Familiar]

My wife went out of state to go to her moms and she should be coming back tonight. I truly did not miss her. I think if she wanted to stay longer I would not miss her. I hate that I feel that way. I love her but the mental break is so freeing

I completely understand and I felt this way when my husband went to his nephew's college graduation. I was disappointed that I didn't have more time to myself. As Samwize mentioned on my thread, this is a sign that your battery is dead and needs to be recharged. We can only do so much.  

[formflier]

Byfaith,

I'm glad you are clear about your feelings.  You get to decide your actions... .not your feelings. 


Yes, respect is part of it.  I also suspect that she is so used to controlling you (other people) that she sort of sees you as an extension of herself.  She hates herself... and therefore hates you.  Or something like that.

The more you can clearly show that you are separate and that you value her and are interested in a healthy r/s with her, the more it clarifies to her that her stuff is hers.

She may look in mirror and possibly begin healing.

She may get pissed and toss her stuff at you with more force.

You job is to be ready for whatever she does.  She gets to pick her path.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Byfaith, how did you feel about standing up to her in this small way?

Even though she gave you some crap over it, did you still feel like you were doing the right thing and it was better than the old way?

... .and yes, when somebody controls you, they lose respect for you. Not letting them do it can win respect back. (After months of adjustment, my wife had a lot of respect and gratitude for me because I did start asserting boundaries against her. Immediately, she hated it, kicking and screaming most of the time, of course)

[byfaith]

Agree Cat


Need advice here. Wife is out of town. I get a call from my step son just a few minutes ago asking me to pick something up for him on my way home today (I'm ok with that for the most part) but he says mom called and says she is staying another day.

Here is the part I am deciding how to respond to. This may be a little drawn out but have to explain... .

to make it short my wife called the pastor and set up a meeting with him and his wife for this saturday. I found out about this meeting when I called my pastor yesterday to follow up with him on something totally unrelated to marriage issues. He told me they are meeting with my wife by herself.

I am ok with that BUT my wife has just now started to "go back" to church with me after 4 years. What I am picturing is her sitting there bad mouthing me to my pastor ( that's just an assumption)

But her text to me the other day stating "I will have to ask God to help me, I cannot live with you any longer without God's intervention"

says to me that you are impossible to live

OK when she lives to go out of state she takes her bible and also a book that a couple we know gave us each a copy of "The love dare" she has not touched the book in 4 weeks. Now she takes it with her.

Since she has been gone I have received these texts from her

yesterday;

Her:

Oh, I guess you knew that (her son) was sleeping on my side of the bed so please don't get onto him for that. It was my idea and I did it for a reason.

In fact, don't get on him him for anything. I have a plan and I'm working with him. Remember he has something very wrong with his brain and I think he's being judged too harshly at times

HER: Hello?

HER: On this particular matter I really would like an acknowledgment

ME: Im on a call

HER: Then I'll be waiting for your response when you get off the phone

I call her and we get into a harsh disagreement over her son

HER: I hate leaving (her son) with you now. I tried my best to get him up but he just couldn't make it. (Her son) is the one that mentions to me on a regular basis about you not liking us anymore. just saying

SO she does not call me last night at all to just say hello. I didn't call her either. She did however call her son while him and I were in the car and I could hear her talking to him ( all nice love dovey boo boo baby type of stuff) I decided not to call her last night because she has been communicating to he son over stuff before she talks to me about it.

Then today I find out from her son that she is staying another day and I have yet to get a text or a call stating her plans. BUT she is now on a supposed spiritual journey

If I contact her am I giving into her "game"?

this was another text I got from her on wed night while I was sleeping in the downstairs bedroom

HER: Don't start anything with (son) because of what he's saying. I'm praying for him and he doesn't need you coming down on him. Besides, if you're not gonna even tell him goodnight, you have no right speaking to him at all unless it's good and nice. And no, I'm not mad about that. I just know how hateful and rude it was but I have bigger things to tend to.

I hope this was not too disjointed of an explanation. I am trying to paint the picture here of all the small incidents

It's like somehow she is "getting back" at me by not letting me know what is going on

Thoughts?





   

[byfaith]

GK,

It felt good. I just was going over in my mind how I would counter the kick back.

[formflier]

Byfaith,

Do not get drawn into indirect communication.  NEVER mention it.

In fact, when your step sons tries to pass messages.  Politely tell him that he is not a messenger.  Shorter is better.

Boy... .there is a lot here... .but goal is to keep the big picture small.

You determine who sleeps in a bed with you... .period.  Especially when the mom is out of town.  I suppose that if she is in town, a boundaries mindset would allow her to determine who sleeps on her side... .still... that's weird.

It is a joint room, joint bed and it should only bed shared with compromise. 

In other words.  Send your stepson to his room  The extent of your communication with your wife on this issue is that you have sent him to his room.

You are available for joint meetings with a mental health professional to determine a plan.

More later.

FF

[formflier]

I'm back... .had to get off computer for a few minutes.

Don't engage her over church at all.  If she brings it up, great.  Otherwise... .let it be her business.  Likely she is trying with good intent, and it's coming across in a dysfunctional manner.  No shocker... .  She is trying to repair the r/s... .she just doesn't know how.

Two more big picture things.

1.  For you, focus hard on reading, watching and learning from Christian psychologists.  Such as Townsend.  No shocker, if you follow intent of the Bible, it's a great instruction manual.  Psychology explains a lot of God's truth.

Such as "grace before truth".  Hmmm... .sounds like the original SET format to me.  Prep someone to hear and then tell them.

2.  You need boundaries around the son  It would be great if you jointly come to a solution.

His mental issues don't affect your boundaries... .  Essentially she is asking you to lower shields because... .

There is no lower shields... .

FF

[byfaith]

clarification... .him sleeping on the bed. She slept on the couch. When I came up in the AM from the downstairs bedroom he was sleeping on our bed on the side she normally sleeps on ( she made sure he didn't sleep on my side) I don't know her reason, she has not told me yet

[byfaith]

after she asked me to print the picture

I texted her

ME: when are you leaving?

HER: in the morning

ME: why did you not let me know you were staying?

HER: I forgot. I told (son)

My Azz... .she forgot! I am not going to say anything more about it though.

does this sound like petty crap?  yes it does as an isolated incident

My sarcasm wants to unleash itself... .I will restrain myself

[formflier]

Oh... I remember.  You are sleeping in a separate room now... .right?

I think her claim that she forgot needs to be handled in person.  Gently... .and then dropped.

There is no rush... .

Say something about her being valuable to you, nothing over the top.  Then "It would me a lot to me if you could let me know when your travel plans change.  I was disappointed to be left out of the loop, especially when your let your son know.  I feel like it may mean I'm not that important to you"

There is no blame.  You let her know what would be important to you, you let her know your feelings. 

She may not handle it well... .probably won't.  But that doesn't mean you should be unhealthy and stuff your feelings. 

Your attitude is critical.

FF

[byfaith]

Oh... I remember.  You are sleeping in a separate room now... .right?

just once in a while when things are tense

thanks for the advice on the other

Your attitude is critical.

yes it is

[byfaith]

The MC used a term "negative sentiment override" we don't have enough good stuff in our account and the seemingly small stuff seems huge.

If we had a better cushion to operate with these things might just be blips and we move on. NSF in the love bank

As for boundaries around her son, I will be honest,  this may break us. ( not being negative just realistic) Combined with when I begin spending more time with my kids.

stay tuned

[formflier]

Please play out for me how the son may break you.  Just curious.

FF

[formflier]

Byfaith,

The advice I've given over the past day or so has been on my mind... .your situation in general.  I think you would be better served to back up and look at big picture.

Prioritize issues.  Let the rest go... .for now.

For instance:  If you really... really have to say something about her schedule change... .then do it the healthy way.  But focusing on "just" that could be taking the "fight" to her level.  Same thing about her appointments with pastors.

Worry more about your appointment with a pastor... .or a book... .or a really good burger joint you have been wanting to try.

We all seem to agree that the son is the make or break issue.  Can you set that aside for a few months.  Sure, have "very close" boundaries.  What you have now.  But don't make changes.

See if progress can be made in other areas... build good will.

You will be better off to address a few things really well, than to address everything she chucks at you in an average fashion  There is a good lesson for her to learn that just because she chucks it at you... .you can choose to ignore a nasty text (for instance).

I hope this helps.

FF

[byfaith]

 I know what you are saying. Imagine that you had one major obsession in your life and one thing that was the focus of almost all of your energy. Someones job can be that etc you know what i mean.

My worth to her for the most part is how she perceives me with her son. She even speaks of them together as a "unit"

So if she thinks i am rude and hateful because i didnt say goodnight to him in her mind i become useless to her and to him

The more i do that is looked on by her as a negative towards him i lose more ground with her

The main reason for all those crappy texts she has sent me over the past few days are a result of her perception of how i treat him

[formflier]

 

And there is nothing you can do about her perception.

Repeat... repeat... .repeat.

Exercise your healthy r/s skills with her and with her son.  Let her do, what she will do.

When you get an appropriate chance, such as in counseling, address this issue.  Keep message short and focused. 

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Reading your posts on this thread, I get the sense that there's little likelihood that your wife would ever consent to having her son in a group home, even though that would probably be the best option for everyone. She's too enmeshed with him.

So, it's a package deal. My question to you is can you see yourself in this marriage, given that nothing changes on that front, for five years? For ten years? For twenty years?

I know that the commitment you made is very important to you as well as your faith. So, asking yourself, truly, byfaith, do you want to remain in this marriage?