Re-experiencing the trauma

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I can’t seem to stop the bad memories. They just keep coming. No rhyme or reason. I don't know whats triggering them, and I can't stop them.

This one just popped up and it might not sound too bad, but to me it felt very cruel. He once criticised me for always having to dress up, put make up on when we went out so I agreed not to one night. We were sitting in this amazing, water side bar and I was feeling good thinking he loved me just like this. Close by there was an engagement party happening and everyone looked beautiful. He suggested we play a game where we got to pick out the most beautiful woman in the room. There I was twice the age of these beautiful girls, dressed down, no make-up on and I just slumped. I asked him if that can include the most beautiful boys in the room too and that was the end of that evening. Cue explosion.

By the way I’m not half bad to look at, as if that makes any difference  Trying to make myself feel better that’s all.

I can’t seem to help these memories from popping up in my head and they hurt.
My therapist says that whilst I was in the relationship the chaos prevented me from processing the abuse and now I’m out and have space my brain will do this. She reassures me that it’s ok. But is it ok? Does anyone else have this?

[Larmoyant]

I can’t seem to stop the bad memories. They just keep coming. No rhyme or reason. I don't know whats triggering them, and I can't stop them.

This one just popped up and it might not sound too bad, but to me it felt very cruel. He once criticised me for always having to dress up, put make up on when we went out so I agreed not to one night. We were sitting in this amazing, water side bar and I was feeling good thinking he loved me just like this. Close by there was an engagement party happening and everyone looked beautiful. He suggested we play a game where we got to pick out the most beautiful woman in the room. There I was twice the age of these beautiful girls, dressed down, no make-up on and I just slumped. I asked him if that can include the most beautiful boys in the room too and that was the end of that evening. Cue explosion.

By the way I’m not half bad to look at, as if that makes any difference  Trying to make myself feel better that’s all.

I can’t seem to help these memories from popping up in my head and they hurt.
My therapist says that whilst I was in the relationship the chaos prevented me from processing the abuse and now I’m out and have space my brain will do this. She reassures me that it’s ok. But is it ok? Does anyone else have this?

[Ahoy]

Sitting here cooking dinner, thought about how me ex lied about my replacement for oh, the 10,000th time, not sure why... .and I know I'm actually starting to detach!


I think we ALL have this mate. It lessens a great deal with time. I think it's our brains way of finally processing our relationship now we are out if the FOG.

Please don't be too hard on yourself, from everything I read yes this is completely  natural and HEALTHY.

Don't think of it as a bad thing, think of it as your body detoxing from traumatic events

[woundedPhoenix]

Oh, coming out of the FOG is such a strange experience... .

You relive the whole relationship over and over again, every painful moment as well as the good times.

Strange thing is, every time you cycle through them, you start to see those moments differently, your emotions start coloring them differently.

Whereas i always thought it was always my fault for not trying hard enough, i actually start to see that often it was her behaviour, her handicap to approach things empathically.

The only way to keep those relationships going was to cut away a part of our emotions and to always excuse them... .

And now we are out of the fog we slowly develop the self-compassion that we probably lacked during the r/s.

[seenr]

I agree with Ahoy, it is your brain detaching.

But, that was a mean thing your ex did. If he wanted you to not wear make up, then he should have focused on you! Not other ladies.

Most of us nons find that behaviour annoying and disappointing.

And if you are not half bad looking then he is missing out right now :-)

[Meili]

I echo what the others have said, your brain is coming out of the FOG and is trying to make sense of what happened and why.

In my experience, the memories became far less prominent once I started to understand why I allowed myself to be treated that way. Mt T tells me that is because my subconscious mind is not trying so hard to put all of the puzzle pieces together.

I don't really ever think of the bad things that my x did at this point. During waking hours, and when I wake up in the middle of the night because my mind is trying to still process how something that seemed so good could be so bad, I remind myself of what kind of person she really is.