Should I stay or should I go?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Dear "coborders"
It feels good to find a space where I can explain my situation to people who can understand it fully, without judgment. It took me a loong time before I landed on this website. I am french, and I have struggled to find serious information and valuable pieces of advice about BPD in my language.

I have been in a relationship with a man with BPD for 4 years. It took me almost 2 years to realize he was not just hypersensitive or fragile. After a short break up, we happily got back together, he had started a therapy.
It really made a difference. We moved in together (I moved to his place) and a year later, we gave birth to a beautiful little girl.

This is when the tsunami happened. We haven't drowned…yet! But we are barely surviving. The tensions are highly electric, we are trapped in a violent interaction. Even though we are aware of our situation, of how nocive it is to us, and mainly to our daughter (who will be 1 year next month), it seems like we can not escape it.
We are involved in a theraphy together, plus our own therapies, but nothing seems to help.

We may spend maximum 10 days without a cloud, but all of a sudden, sky changes and turns black. I am saddened and ashamed of my own reactions, so I work hard to learn how to react when a crisis occurs, communicate better and mainly, focus on my wellbeing. It is better at home, but unfortunatly, it is not enough.

Every time we go mad for stupid things, every time he yells at me or threatens me, I think "He went too far, I must leave with my child now". But when things calm down, hope comes back, and then I think "We can overcome this, we can find a way to live in harmony, the three of us."
I find myself changing my mind every now and then, just like he does. I know I must give up the illusion of a nice and balanced relationship, I know I must protect my child… but I can't help myself from believing in us and in what's good between us.

2 days ago, after another crisis, my partner (who is in great pain too, no doubt about it) told me he wanted to break up. He said he is not the father he would like to be. He hates the way we fight, he hates what he triggers in me. I agree with him, though I am not so radical, and I am a bit scared of retaliation when he changes his mind.

Has anybody been through this kind of situation? Thanks for sharing your experience, it can help me to see things from a different angle.

[coborder]

Dear "coborders"
It feels good to find a space where I can explain my situation to people who can understand it fully, without judgment. It took me a loong time before I landed on this website. I am french, and I have struggled to find serious information and valuable pieces of advice about BPD in my language.

I have been in a relationship with a man with BPD for 4 years. It took me almost 2 years to realize he was not just hypersensitive or fragile. After a short break up, we happily got back together, he had started a therapy.
It really made a difference. We moved in together (I moved to his place) and a year later, we gave birth to a beautiful little girl.

This is when the tsunami happened. We haven't drowned…yet! But we are barely surviving. The tensions are highly electric, we are trapped in a violent interaction. Even though we are aware of our situation, of how nocive it is to us, and mainly to our daughter (who will be 1 year next month), it seems like we can not escape it.
We are involved in a theraphy together, plus our own therapies, but nothing seems to help.

We may spend maximum 10 days without a cloud, but all of a sudden, sky changes and turns black. I am saddened and ashamed of my own reactions, so I work hard to learn how to react when a crisis occurs, communicate better and mainly, focus on my wellbeing. It is better at home, but unfortunatly, it is not enough.

Every time we go mad for stupid things, every time he yells at me or threatens me, I think "He went too far, I must leave with my child now". But when things calm down, hope comes back, and then I think "We can overcome this, we can find a way to live in harmony, the three of us."
I find myself changing my mind every now and then, just like he does. I know I must give up the illusion of a nice and balanced relationship, I know I must protect my child… but I can't help myself from believing in us and in what's good between us.

2 days ago, after another crisis, my partner (who is in great pain too, no doubt about it) told me he wanted to break up. He said he is not the father he would like to be. He hates the way we fight, he hates what he triggers in me. I agree with him, though I am not so radical, and I am a bit scared of retaliation when he changes his mind.

Has anybody been through this kind of situation? Thanks for sharing your experience, it can help me to see things from a different angle.

[Hlinthewiking]

We may spend maximum 10 days without a cloud, but all of a sudden, sky changes and turns black. I am saddened and ashamed of my own reactions, so I work hard to learn how to react when a crisis occurs, communicate better and mainly, focus on my wellbeing. It is better at home, but unfortunatly, it is not enough.

This was me in the first 4-6 months of my relationship, now it's maximum of 4 days and that's after constant improvement on how to react to a crisis, never loosing my cool, maybe shedding a few tears in occasion.

Every time we go mad for stupid things, every time he yells at me or threatens me, I think "He went too far, I must leave with my child now". But when things calm down, hope comes back, and then I think "We can overcome this, we can find a way to live in harmony, the three of us."

I experience the same, this is why I myself have trouble leaving, they seem to always know our limits better then we do, only to push as far as we can take it, when we are about to leave, they restrain and act.

I find myself changing my mind every now and then, just like he does. I know I must give up the illusion of a nice and balanced relationship, I know I must protect my child… but I can't help myself from believing in us and in what's good between us.

2 days ago, after another crisis, my partner (who is in great pain too, no doubt about it) told me he wanted to break up. He said he is not the father he would like to be. He hates the way we fight, he hates what he triggers in me. I agree with him, though I am not so radical, and I am a bit scared of retaliation when he changes his mind.

Just the fact that he admits to have an issue and takes the blame for it is amazing, he's in the right path. He will never be as good as someone healthy is, but there is hope that he will improve, as long as he realizes his actions are unhealthy and prejudicial to you and your family, including himself and is willing to work and change them, this is years of therapy and medication.

My situation is a bit more severe in this matter as my girlfriend has a more severe BPD and is far from self awareness, she always puts all the blame on me and thinks she's completely fine as she is.

Has anybody been through this kind of situation? Thanks for sharing your experience, it can help me to see things from a different angle.

Yes, we have, it's hell, don't feel alone, you're not.

[Lucky Jim]

We may spend maximum 10 days without a cloud, but all of a sudden, sky changes and turns black. I am saddened and ashamed of my own reactions, so I work hard to learn how to react when a crisis occurs, communicate better and mainly, focus on my wellbeing. It is better at home, but unfortunatly, it is not enough.

Bonjour coborder, Welcome!  You have described the BPD dynamic well.  I like to say that, in a BPD r/s, a storm cloud can arise out of a clear blue sky.

Yes, many of us have been in your situation, as Hlinthewiking notes.  The stress gets to you after a while and can be physically and emotionally exhausting, in my experience.

I would say that the place to start is with yourself, by shifting the focus from your SO back to yourself.  Often we forget our own needs in the throes of a BPD r/s.  I suggest taking good care of yourself as a first step.

Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[formflier]

I am glad that you found us.     

You have a lot to balance and think about. 

I'm impressed that everyone is in T and that all seem to be fessing up to having things to work on.  This is a really... .awesome thing!   

I'm impressed by your words that indicate your focus was on you and on the child.  It's very easy to get drawn into their world.  Again... kudos.

I would be interested in getting a detailed account of a night where "time ran out" and it turned bad.  Talk about the hour before... the during... and how it ended.

Also perhaps in a separate topic... .talk about how you care for you.  Self care! 

Question:  Have you tried leaving before it gets bad?  Make sure you put a time frame on it.  Let them know you are coming back!  Make it about you.  "I need a break to clear my head... .be back in an hour!"

Looking forward to learning more about your story.  Take care of yourself!

FF

[Herodias]

"Every time we go mad for stupid things, every time he yells at me or threatens me, I think "He went too far, I must leave with my child now". But when things calm down, hope comes back, and then I think "We can overcome this, we can find a way to live in harmony, the three of us."
I find myself changing my mind every now and then, just like he does. I know I must give up the illusion of a nice and balanced relationship, I know I must protect my child… but I can't help myself from believing in us and in what's good between us.

2 days ago, after another crisis, my partner (who is in great pain too, no doubt about it) told me he wanted to break up. He said he is not the father he would like to be. He hates the way we fight, he hates what he triggers in me. I agree with him, though I am not so radical, and I am a bit scared of retaliation when he changes his mind."

I would tell you that my relationship was very similar with out a child. They do a push pull thing. They don't like any arguing or disagreeing with them. Mine would tell me to stop- that we will not get along if I argue with him. That means not telling him how to do things or contradicting, which is hard to do when they are not doing things correctly! The violent part is not good at all. It got so bad for me, I would have to leave the house. Yet he would try to stop me. Not sure what you mean by "violent".  How is this affecting your child? Do you feel things are safe for your daughter? Basically, my therapist asked me, what are my boundaries... .what behavior would I not accept? That's what you need to think about. When mine wanted to leave, it was because of his own securities... .sometimes when there is allot of arguing, they reach to someone else... .Take care of you and your child first. If he wants to be a better Father, then he needs to work on himself.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Welcome.  I know your life is difficult now, but, in a sense, it's going to get better because you have started to make some important discoveries. 

Before I stumbled upon an explanation of Borderline Personality, I was fully lost and hopeless, and very depressed.  Once I started learning about BPD, and making steps to rescue myself, my life changed.  I know I have my faults, but, I can now see that I was not the only one to blame.  Previously, I had dutifully taken all my wife's criticism and blame to heart.   Seeing things now, I see that I was in her complete control - which is an impossible position to survive. 

So, I suggest that you check in often on these message boards, read and share as much as you like.  There are also some very good recommended books.  Therapy is very good too.

To help, I'd like to repeat what is often shared here - you can't control your partner. You can't cure your partner.  You didn't cause your partner's problems.

Learn to listen to your gut, and defend yourself in doing what you know is right.  That usually means imposing a lot more space between your partner and you than you might be used to.  It's healthy for both of you.

Things get better.  Good luck!

[coborder]

Thank you so much for your support and advice, I couldn't imagine how good it is to exchange with people who know what it feels like from the inside! I'm lucky to have understanding parents and friends, whom I can freely talk to, but living with a BPD partner is something hard to explain and even harder to understand.

I've just been spending a few days with my daughter at my parents'. I wish I stayed longer. I feel more relaxed, more "myself" and I am not exactly looking forward to going back home.

I need some time to work on my triggers and find new and healthier ways to respond to crisis. I also need to rest.

But I am going back tomorrow and I feel scared about how things are going to turn. I am even scared of my own reactions, that can be so stupid and inappropriate. But at least, I know I can find some space here, it is very comforting! I will surely let you know about all this.

Thanks again to you all!

[formflier]

  I'm lucky to have understanding parents and friends, whom I can freely talk to, but living with a BPD partner is something hard to explain and even harder to understand.
 

I recommend dropping BPD talk with parents and friends.  Focus on "normal" relationships and subjects with them.  You need a support group of friends where you can be normal... .vice focus on BPD crazyness.  Eventually... .as you build boundaries and confidence, the BPD affected part of your life will be more of an eccentric curiosity.  Right now I would guess it is a bit of an all consuming thing.

FF

[zonnebloem]

 *H
i!
Bonjour Coborder!

Moi, je suis Belge.

Just to let you know that I am reading your story and I do wish you" bon courage!"

I am glad to read the advise you got, I can use it for myself too.

Take care of yourself! I am happy for you that you have supporting parents.
And yes... .do not talk about BPD with your friends because you you might lose them, not everyone wants to know and you and me and your friends want to be "normal".

Good luck and bonne anniversaire pour l'enfant!

[coborder]

Thank you "Zonnebloem" to encourage me and think of my sweet little one!

And I think you are right "formflier", I shouldn't spoilt the moments I share with the ones I love, rambling with my BPD issues!

I came back home on friday. In the evening, when our daughter was asleep, we had a good, "normal" talk with my partner, about what happened a few days before, and about our relationship. We both felt wise and respectful, reassuring one another about how we could make things work.

I am so naive to believe it, each time! Because this kind of hopeful conversation is not the 1st one. But it never prevents crisis from coming back… and no big surprise, a new one occured this morning!
The "reason" for it is because we had decided to go to the market early this morning, and eventually my partner couldn't get up. I did not make any statement, I didn't argue or anything. I just asked him to stay in bed with our daughter while I'd have a shower. He was shattered and wouldn't answer me at all. I insisted a bit and then, he told me I was annoying and disturbing him. And all of a sudden he got up like mad, went straight to the bathroom, showered, got dressed and left the house without a word.
It was 9 am, he got back a 1.30 pm.

In the meantime, I managed our daughter, the market, his sister who was coming for lunch, on my own. His sister didn't dare to ask any question. When he got back, I asked him if he felt better, but he didn't answer me. He is ignoring me. Period.

I really have the feeling to run around in circle. I know I must stop hoping for better tomorrows and make a clear decision. How come is it so hard?

[formflier]

Two things:

1.  The reason to not talk about BPD with others is so that you can get back to a "normal" life with "normal" friends.  To make a firm decision that you will go and stay there.  You can do that, without him agreeing or disagreeing.  That is the most likely chance of him following you to a normal life.  He gets to make that decision.

2.  OK:  The baby incident.  Let responsibility lay where it is, but don't nag or pester.

1.  If you have an agreement to do something, you go do it.  I would make sure that you plan to have enough time to manage the baby with no help.  Yes... .yes... .that is incredibly unfair.  Once he realizes that you will not be reactive, he may quit messing with you on this.

2.  Silent treatment:  Does he do it much.  We need to get a standard, healthy response to it, and be consistent.  More info is needed here.

3.  Last thought:  Please realize that BPD is a "in the moment" disorder.  In the moment he had that conversation with you, he really meant it.  His mind and feelings were aligned.  He becomes dysfunctional when they don't align.  Also please realize that you have no role... none... .in helping him align his mind and feelings.   You can validate him if emotions are clear.  Protecting yourself with boundaries is good for him as well.  He can't help himself.

Did you get some goodies at the market?  "bon appe'tit"    Very... very rusty on French.  Have very fond memories of exploring France in my younger days.

FF

[earlgrey]

How come is it so hard?

Bonjour - I'm in France too!

I found it so hard because I was always looking at my W., and all my actions were dependant on her behaviour (which for a long time I tried to control).

Now I have switched my focus and I am looking at my behaviour, and working on finding out what I am thinking and I am feeling.

This all sounds pretty obvious and straighforward, I would say.

In fact I have found it extrememly difficult... .to discover my feelings. But finding them (as i like to think I am doing now) is giving me much clearer thoughts and less chaos.

Out of that I hope good decisions and choices will become evident.

[formflier]

In fact I have found it extrememly difficult... .to discover my feelings. But finding them (as i like to think I am doing now) is giving me much clearer thoughts and less chaos.
 

This was true for me as well.  Many times we focus on others... .because dealing with our own stuff is weird, hard... .or we don't have practice. 

Good work recognizing this.  Stay strong and get to know yourself... .most of us turn out to be pretty likable... . 

FF

[zonnebloem]

 

How come it is so hard?
Loyalty.

Now you know the "devil" you are with, but you're afraid from the future.

You went to take a shower, asking to take care of your daughter.

He wanted seks and acts neglected... .BPD's are soo childish!

good luck! Oh... .I ask my BPD to pray and name Jesus.
We praise Jesus before we start the day.
It helps.

[formflier]

 

He wanted seks and acts neglected... .BPD's are soo childish!
 

Yes... .it can seem this way.  It is likely that in this case he wasn't actively plotting or thinking to do this.  It is likely that he was having a hard time working through some feelings, and he solved his bad feelings in a dysfunctional way. 

The "non" in this situation provided (again not intentionally) a "unhealthy escape route" for the pwBPD to take that made it easy for the pwBPD to blame the non for the pwBPDs bad feelings. 

Part of a non learning to communicate healthier is learning to speak in a way that makes it much harder for a pwBPD to "hand the non responsibility" for their feelings.

Again... usually there is no evil intent here... .

FF

[zonnebloem]

 
Hello Formflier and co.

Think you know some of my story.
Me being sad and upset about my ex BPD braking the relationship to do what he likes... .holiday with his daughters.

What happens now is: He is in France (5 hours drive from were I live) with his youngest daughter. He fell off a hourse.
His ribs damaged.

I had just decided that I dislike this hole situation and that I truely am fed up.
I had just decided NOT to tekst him for 27 days... .he kept silent retreat for 9 days... .
I just feel OK being free and alone again.

SHALL I offer him to help him?
He doesn't ASK me to come and get him home.
I texted if is Insurance will bring him home and the daughter and hiw car?

Guess he sleeps for he didn't answer.
What would you?
I know it would teach him a lesson because he has hurt me.
He broke the ralationship to travel with his daughters.
I couldn't let him go but I've hed ENOUGH now.
Please advise me!